⁹Relationship ending, unsure what to do. Any advice is most welcome

[Mykel1]

My partner recently told me that she no longer was interested in me anymore. Over the past couple of weeks, she seemed to become a bit distant with monosyllabic responses. Each time i tried to talk to her, it just seemed like I was annoying her. First I thought maybe she was just going through something, and I just thought I would given her time and space to work through whatever was going on with her and I would happily wait for her on the other side. I started to become a bit impatient so I asked her what was actually happening and she clearly said she no longer had any emotions towards me. I asked her what it is I may have done or said and she her response was 'I loved you once but my head got blown to shit and now I don't feel anything for you'. I was slightly taken aback by this and I asked her if there was somebody else. She initially said there wasn't but went on to say that she was actually in love with someone. So naturally I tried to get more information but she became very dismissive and told me she didn't need to explain herself to me, she said this particular person has been in her life for a long time now and she just wasn't sure but now she's a lot clearer in her head and she now knows where she stands with him. I asked her how serious the relationship was and how far they were talking about going, and she said she didn't explain herself, but potentially, yes, they will start to communicate a bit more and potentially lead to sex. I do hear her sometimes speaking to people but I always thought these were just old school mates.

The interesting thing about this whole scenario is that this seem to coincide with her, starting a particular medication called Zoladex to help shrink cysts in her womb. Since starting it a couple of weeks ago, her appetite has plummeted to the point where she isn't eating anything at all throughout the entire day. I keep coaxing her to have something but she'll only nibble and then say she's fine.

So rewinding time to just after her stoke whilst she was still in hospital, she presented in much the same way. She wouldn't eat so I had to bring her three meals a day until she started eating again. She would also scar her skin because she thought she had pimples that needed to be popped. This is exacly what she's doing now and her face and neck are quite bruised up with visible scars. She was also very nasty towards me, I mean really really nasty to me during her 8 month stay in hospital post stroke but I stood by her side and never abandoned her.

I guess there are 2 issues here. One being our relationship and the second her physical health and mental well-being. Prior to the Zoladex, we were relatively okay. We sleep in separate rooms and this has been the case since her discharge about a year and a half ago. I would still chill in her room and we'd talk, well it was mostly her doing the talking but I was okay with that because I was happy to just listen to her vent and relive her past. We would have some intimate moments which were priceless to me but the sex was slightly more mechanical and shed often mention that sex with me was a disappointment. In my defence (lol, I'm honestly giggling to myself right now because I'm sure some women here have heard this before), I have two jobs, doing a masters, two kids and I literally do everything in the house, I mean everything from bills, to cleaning, everything without any additional help. It's quite taxing but there's no acknowledgment about that. Since the news that she was no longer interested in me, I have asked her what it is I've done or said for her not to want to be with me. I've stood by her side during her darkest times, cleaned up her vomit when she has persistent sickness, sat with her for hours in A&E because of her headaches. I've told her that if it's the sex, I can certainly work on this, if it's just me, I can change but she just responds saying she's just not interested in me and everything we've had post stroke was her just leading me on and there just isn't anything there. I still find her attractive and I would would've stuck by her side come hell or high waters but I'm not sure whether to stick this out and maybe she'll come round or to just throw in the towel. To be honest, I don't even know what throwing the towel would look like. She's clearly got cognitive deficits following the stroke which she won't admit to, she can care for herself but I don't think she functions as well as she thinks she does because I do everything. She said to me, I never ask you for anything. My response was, that's because I would have already done it without you having to ask. A simple example is her work. I made sure I liaised with her boss and between us, we got her some sort of insurance that pays a percentage of her salary for 2 years without her stepping foot into work. Even when I highlighted this to her, she just says, well that's something that would've happened anyway. I then highlight that I don't think her manager would have completed a 50 page document and gathered all the necessary evidence.

Regarding her physical, I've asked the GP to arrange a review with her under the guise that they just want to see how she's doing on the Zoladex. She's lost a lot of weight and she's not eating at all. I've asked her to see the GP but she'll just say I'm being patronising and treating her like a child. I'll explain that I'm just concerned about her health but she wont take on board what im saying. I felt I couldn't just leave this so she now has an appointment scheduled next week.

[Mykel1]

I'm sorry for the long message there. I honestly don't know how many times I edited the post. Almost everyday I think to post something because life with a partner who has TBI is a constantly shifting landscape and each moment varies. I've adopted the idea of impermanence where I exist in a state of flux but I always maintain my composure and character. I see myself as earth which takes many shapes and forms but still able to nurture growth and sustainability. Since this news from my partner, I've started going to gym more religiously and I've restarted swimming which is something I did on and off. I take walks through our local park every morning after dropping off the kids. Please be assured that I'm not depressed or thinking of anything untoward regarding my life. I'm just saddened at the fact that I thought we were both growing and navigating through this new reality. It's not been easy, it's been really really tough especially having to balance emotions and trying to normalise things for the kids. The kids have adapted well to this and our 12 year old daughter is now a lot more patient and less reactive when mum misinterprets something and becomes upset.

I've been really thinking about starting a business of sort just so I can have more time in the evenings but im not a business person and nothing has really come to mind. My partner and I often get into disagreements about this because she has business ideas which are far fetched like starting a restaurant or a dog walking business or running a pub. We've never owned a dog, we hardly eat out and she's never been in a pub. I never dismiss her ideas and to be honest, ive actually thought maybe to just commit to one of her ideas but i fear ill just be left on my own to then pick up the pieces. The thing with my partner is that she is very intelligent so she can switch up her persona and come across a certain way but when you dig under the surface, her logic is attached to very lose threads. Please note that im not being condescending, im merely highlighting that sometimes her ideas are not founded on reality. With her, things are either 1 or 10. She'll give the impression that she's the best at something but once the reality sets in, suddenly there's something wrong with that thing or that thing is rigged against her. I do sometimes feel she may have a personality disorder. I dare not mention that to her.

My worry is how will she function whether she's on her own or with someone. She's quite complex in herself pre and post stroke but myself and the kids love her dearly. I know it won't be long until she does find someone and I'm worried how that's going to pan out. I'm also worried about her seeing someone else whilst still living here. What further complicates things is that we have a joint mortgage. She hardly talks to me at present and she's highlighted the fact that we died a long time ago, I just chose to ignore the memo, which she's probably right.

It's pretty shit losing someone especially when you know you've given it your all and can't understand where things went wrong. I just wish I didn't have to work so much and I could make enough money to not have to work 2 jobs. The reason I work 2 jobs is because we needed to raise money for the deposit of the house. 2 weeks after moving in, she had the stroke which resulted in her being in hospital for 9 months. I had to continue with the second job to balance the finances because everything was now more expensive (mortgage, council tax, electricity etc).

I think the main things I can take away from this relationship is my capacity to love someone unconditionally without reservations or judgments and not expect anything back. I have said to her that if this is final, I'll chanel my energy into helping build schools or hospitals and further expand research in the global south (2nd world countries). This way I get to travel and I also get to help people. I guess I'll have to get a job that fits that description but life just has a way of working itself out.

[Hidden]

Not being funny, I read through your older posts, this is not a new thing you are going through but more of a continuation of older issues. You seem to be searching for every other reason for your declining relationship, but all I see when I read your posts is your dominating and controlling personality, a kind of a, 'it's nothing to do with me scenario, it must be everything else'.

I think you may have to face up to the fact that you may be the problem.

Just being honest, that's what oozes from your posts.

[Mykel1 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your post and I think it's really helpful for someone to point this out and be as honest as you are. You may be right to an extent and I'm probably not seeing myself as being the problem here. This is something I'm going to reflect on and see where I'm going wrong. I do have to somewhat disagree to an extent as well because control isnt something i would intentionally do. When I say I do everything in the house, it's not about me taking control of everything, it's because she's taken a back seat with everything. I've taken over these duties because nobody else will. She gets paid but I don't see a penny of her money and I don't know what she's doing with it. I don't ask because it's her money. I give her space and I never coerce her or manipulate her in anyway. Having said that though, I think maybe I might be wanting to be a victim as well. Maybe I do want her to acknowledge me and maybe I'm trying to fix something that's broken. I'll certainly think about this. Thanks

[Hidden in reply to Mykel1]

Felt guilty in saying it, but it seemed obvious. I worked in a pub in the 90's and all the blokes who we regulars and had relationship issues told similar things to what you were saying in your posts so I could see it a mile off. The ones who sorted themselves out earned their own money, got established in their own right and got their partners back on equal terms or became happy in life and their ex-partners became jealous of them or they became good friends but went their separate ways.

You can't be happy as a couple if you are not independently happy yourself/ves.

[Mykel1 in reply to Hidden]

Please don't feel guilty. What you said is actually very insightful and an angle I've never seen things from. I mean all this time I've just been pointing a finger and putting her laundry out there for the world to side with me without actually seeing that it takes two to tango. I honestly wasn't expecting a reply like yours but you've really brought something to the surface. I always asked myself why I'm so kind or come across that way (sorry im trying to come up with the right word here without coming across like a dick), why do I give without asking for anything in return, why do I come across as being selfless. Well, maybe that's because I want people to like me, I want to be seen as the good guy, but also means people will be more likely to offer me favours if I asked. I genuinely find it hard seeing her like this. She was and is a strong women with so much to give and when I see her like this, I wish I could give her my right arm. I guess I'm finding it hard to let go and I'm asking myself why she doesn't want me yet I'm such a good guy. Thanks for shedding light on this, it's a really helpful perspective and hopefully I will grow from this.

[ftt1960]

Gosh, having read your post I have no idea how to respond. It sounds to me, and I’m no expert, that your partner's mental health is not in a good place. Whether or not that is the drug I don't know. It sounds like there has been no real acceptance of what has happened and the changes that the stroke has brought. It may also be that there is nobody else but she has jumped on this as an easy explanation.

There can be lots of resentment because your life hasn’t changed, though in reality it has shifted massively. But you are not struggling with the difficulties assiciated with a stroke. The cognitive difficulties can be extremely frustrating and admitting to these can be a source of embarrassment.

I think you are doing the right thing in bringing in the doctor. She may open up there. I would suggest you hang in there and see if the situation settles down or if the doctor suggests other treatment.

Would your partner cope on her own? I know she doesn’t appreciate all that you do but she needs to understand the full extent of the support you provide.

I don’t think I have helped but I have listened.

[Mykel1 in reply to ftt1960]

God, im so sorry, im reading back and realised how much ive written. I think i just got lost in my thoughts. Please dont feel obliged to reply to this because some of it is just me speaking out loud. You've been super helpful and I genuinely appreciate your reply. Even just saying 'hi' would still be a response I appreciate so thank you. You're right about the acceptance part because this is something I think she is struggling with. She held quite a good position at work and was quite independent but since the stroke, she's taken a back seat and won't engage in anything like cleaning the house or cooking etc but at the same time, she'll point out all the things I'm not doing right and how they should be done. I take her advice onboard everytime because I don't want to belittle what she's suggesting. In terms of her functioning by herself, I know she will struggle. I'm not saying this out of malice or from a controlling mindset as mentioned in a previous response, I genuinely think she sells herself so high and is able to come across a certain way for a short period of time before things start to unravel. When I'm with her, I know this side of hers and the deficits she has and i try to compensate without being intrusive or overbearing. So when she is struggling to put an appointment in her phone calender for example, I'll suggest I text her the appointment details and all she has to do is open the link and press save and it saves in her calander or when she's meant to complete forms of sort and I come across a reminder letter on the table. I'll ask her if she needs help or ill say, I can help complete the form and she can read it in her own time and make changes but at least the hard part of completing the form is done.

In terms of her mental health, yes I also agree there's a decline and I think it's the Zoladex. Yesterday she got upset with me and started shouting at me for agreeing that our daughter could go to the local park and play with her friend. She says I never consulted her in this decision and she's being undermined. She brought up another example from a week ago where my daughter asked to look at fish and fish tanks at the gardening centre. I asked my partner if she wanted to come but I knew that she'd say no because she hates the garden centre and has expressed this several times but i still asked her hoping she might want to come along. Yesterday she brought this up and said I never consulted her before hand. I could see where she was coming from but I didn't understand why she became so worked up about it. She also seems to be bringing up things that happened about 20 years ago as though they just happened. Yesterday she brought up some random thing that occurred 20 or so years ago where I let go of her hand whilst we were walking in town after I saw a girl I knew from uni. At the time, I let go because I was walking towards this girl to great her and I thought my partner would follow but she didn't hence why I let go of her hand and walked to say hi. Her interpretation was that I didn't want people to know I was dating my partner so i let go because I wanted to keep my options open. I couldn't understand why she was bringing this up now and why she was so upset about it. Even the kids heard her raised voice and asked what was happening.

This is all very familiar to when she was in hospital post stroke and had delirium. She brought up things from the past and thought I was conspiring against her and that the food was poisoned and the nurses were witches, and this was just the tip of the iceberg. Things did eventually clear up and she was embarrassed about this.

[Silkwood20]

Hi Mykel, it seems you may need to prepare yourself as I believe you are doing already.

As far as advice...I have always admired my sister, how she coped with her marriage breakdown. Keeping everything as stable as is possible for the children, keeping a good friendly working relationship with her ex...because you will always be the joint parents and later grandparents.. Even when your children are adults there will be upsets when they need Mum and Dad. And Mum and Dad getting on together then is crucial.

I believe you can do this, huge amounts to sort out, the house etc.

But we grow stronger from the testing times don't we?

I liked your "I have adopted the idea of impermanence" ... That's a big lesson I am trying to learn myself recently (and actually everything IS impermanent anyway, it's just in regular times we forget)

[cat3]

My ex husband & I divorced after12 years of marriage and the thought of selling our beautiful home, moving my kids away from their local friends and schools, and finding a cheaper house was so daunting on top of the emotional stuff.

My daughter was about to sit GCEs and my son (8) was heartbroken about the separation. So it was hard. But life is too precious to squander on hopes that things might improve...

My son and daughter have their own homes & families now but we're still a good team. My ex & I became great pals 'til he suffered a SAH, 6 months after mine, but sadly didn't survive.

Brain injury or not, it seems your partner is toying with starting a relationship with another man whilst using you as a housekeeper. You need to decide whether you want a life of servitude with only criticism for company, or to live apart.

You could still keep any eye on her and be a good dad. It isn't healthy for either of you to live this way. But with space, your partner might learn better coping strategies, or move on with the new relationship.

Wishing you all better times ahead..... Cat x

[Mykel1 in reply to cat3]

Thank you Cat for your reply and thanks for just being you. You give the most human response which truly leaves me saying to myself 'oh my God, thank you wherever you are, thank you'. What you've said really normalises things and makes me realise that life will simply go on. The leaf outside will fall, the clouds will gather and disperse, the sun will go down and come back up again, the wheels keeping on turning and sustaining this ever flowing state of impermanence. You do truly inspire me Cat. I wish you all the best and thank you.

[cat3 in reply to Mykel1]

What beautiful words Mykel. Your kind remarks are so touching, and I thank you.

Please look after yourself and keep us updated on how you are coping...

Cat x