relationship problems

[Lann62]

I have posted on here in the past and found great comfort in some of the advice. Its good to feel there is support out there and understanding. I don't at times feel I am getting any better. It feels like a slow downward spiral. My husband says that my TBI has has a real impact on him. Im sure it has, but its now coming up to 4 years and I feel our marriage is not getting any better. At times I feel very alone and I wonder if its worth trying to continue on. He says he loves me, but I feel like patient who he just looks after, not a wife that he loves. He says that my collapse etc had a big impact on him and he is still recovering. Im not sure I believe this anymore and its just an excuse to not be close anymore. Most of the time I feel extremely lonely, I may as well be living on my own. Is it usual for partners to be so affected. I don't want to be just looked after, I would like my husband back. I wonder is it worth trying anymore. At the moment it feels just like one uphill struggle of total loneliness. I can honestly say if I was offered a ticket on the next space shuttle I would take it, as it feels there is nothing left for me at the moment. Is there any point in trying anymore. Please don't tell me Im depressed, Im not. I just feel totally alone. Part of me feels if I disappeared tomorrow I would not be missed and maybe if I get the next train to somewhere it would be best all round. I seem to have lost all my confidence about life and I wonder if I will ever get it back, or ever feel happy again. My apologies as I feel I just talk rubbish at times, but there is no where else I can voice how I feel. Is it normal for partners to be so affected. I wonder is it worth trying to hang on and sort things or just to jack everything in now. I feel so very alone most of the time. I can't believe this is the sum of my life now. I read somewhere I think I did and it was not in my mind that relationships suffer greatly after someone has a brain injury. I feel so very alone, then feel totally guilty and selfish as I know there are people far worse off than me. Honestly I am grateful and thankful to all who have been there for me. I just don't want to feel alone anymore, I want to be loved and cared for as a wife, and not merely a patient. I feel I'm just a patient to be looked after. Is this usual. Sorry to go on, I don't know where else to turn and have found some of the chats so very helpful on here. Im not sure how much longer I can go on for. Life feels so lonely now.

[cat3]

It's hard to guess what's happening here Lann without knowing personal details. I mean, is there no physical contact between you at all such as a hug or a goodnight kiss. And do you think your husband is also lonely ; have you talked about this issue and how miserable you're feeling ?

Cat x

[RecoveringH]

"I seem to have lost all my confidence about life and I wonder if I will ever get it back, or ever feel happy again"

Here lies your answer. Write to yourself in your diary or talk to yourself in the mirror ( I mean deeply look into your own eyes when no one else is around for 5 - 10 minutes - set a timer!) - explore how you can get your confidence back.

Make a list of things you can do, then next to it, put a tick if you do it well. It might be as simple as make a cup of tea or sing a song or writing a love poem / letter to yourself / your husband / to your old self.

Search "Headway Relationships after Brain Inury" for further ideas.

Best.

p.s. There was a point when I did not know who I was. I completely relate to your words. I lost connection with myself. Connecting to family was way off, I was disconnected to myself. It felt very isolating and lonely so I think I understand what you have conveyed.

[Hidden]

Hi Lann62. I come to this from the other side - I am the wife of a bi survivor. The problem is that the person you married is not there any more, which is difficult to deal with. Much as you love someone, it is quite hard to still see them as the same person. Can I suggest that you and your husband 'start again' as though you have just met. I don't know how much you can do, but if you are able, can you cook him a special dinner and try to explain to him how you feel. Maybe have a 'date night' and go out together.

I think you would both benefit from counselling to help you to both deal with this new relationship that you have.

Your husband is probably lonely too, like you he didn't want or expect your lives to be changed in such a brutal way. If you can, get him to chat with Headway about the issue, he will get good advice.

Good luck.

[Fearless_One]

I think you should show him you post and go from there. It's hard to says things to people sometimes. I think it might open up the communication that you need. Just my thoughts. I hope you have others who can lift you up, although I realize after four years they may have fallen away. Find some kind of local support group. If you don't have a church family, maybe you can connect with one. I don't know to what capacity you are disabled, so I understand that you may not be able to. Talk to God - strengthen your relationship with him, if you have one. Dig into the word. Look for support groups online and read up on caregiver burnout. My prayers are with you.

[gabbycat]

Hi, I'm wife to a bi survivor and can relate to some of the things you are saying. I think in both sides we have felt separated and lonely because of the impact his bi has on him. I have only this week finally had a conversation with someone who was focused on caring for me as a carer. She was extremely good at identifying who I am as a person, what my husband is going through and what I need to to for myself and for him to help us go forward together. If your husband has no one else to talk to about his carer role then maybe finding carers support locally will help him connect with people who understand his perspective. Try starting with Carers UK. In helping him they will be helping you. As to your loneliness, I can empathise, there are times as my husbands carer I feel like I am treating him like a patient. I catch myself doing it and I hate it but sometimes it is all I can cope with. I try to keep talking with him and listening as it is a huge learning curve for both of us, as I'm sure it is for you. We seem to have gone through the shock of realising he isn't necessarily going to get better and are now, very slowly, re-negotiating what our marriage is going to look like. It takes time and some days we doubt our ability to find a mutually suitable way of being married but my hope is that when we reach that point we will renew our vows and start our new marriage-when we are both ready and feeling recovered. Acceptance, recovery and renewal all take so much time. You are feeling very vulnerable but if he says he loves you and he is working through recovery then trust him and don't give up on him.

So the short answer is yes, it happens that relationships are hugely impacted.

[Lynd]

Relationships can be so hard after TBI.

Since my husband has been home it's constant readjustment to the way we are or were

I get tired of the constant supervision. And having to control everything but. sometimes we have good chats and get close again. We recently had a few days away and although I had to take the lead we had a really good time.

Are you in a position to have a break together?

Maybe doing different things together may help.

I think we all struggle with relationships and if I am tired I know I treat my husband like a patient even though I know I shouldn't.

I think you should maybe try to talk about your feelings to your partner if you feel you can.

Lots of hugs x

[steve55]

i spend more time now with my wife than i ever did before my bi, we do more and go to more places.

i think she gets fed up of the number of times i tell her i love her in a day and although we dont share the same bed anymore ( i tend to stay up until the early hours of the morning and i snore ) i always get a goodnight kiss and cuddle.

we dont make love or attempt to, to stop me from getting frustrated because due to my medication ive basically been chemically castrated and besides that even if i could, shed be afraid it might bring on another stroke.

you didnt dream it no, 85% of couples where one partner has a bi break up, but you need to talk to your partner, find out why. youll find he still loves you but is scared and needs reassurance.

steve x