I was up in the middle of the night last night and it occurred to me that maybe I should write this to you guys and see what you think?
This is very big part of my life. My sister. I used to have a great relationship with her in fact she was more a friends to me than my sister to be honest. That all changed on the day I had my TBI. What she really struggle with was that my parents, when they received probably the worst phone call of their lives, they went straight to the airport and asked for tickets to Melbourne. They sat and waited and eventually got my bedside three days later.
This is something that my sister really struggled with, what she didn’t like was that the attention was now on myself rather than her. She had spent all of her life demanding and receiving attention from her mum and dad. What she hated about the whole thing was that everybody was looking at me and hoping that I survived.
Anyway, over the next few years. she ended up blocking both my mum, my dad, and I in both in person and also on social media. She also forbade us to see her two daughters – my mum and dad have not seen their grand daughters in over a decade now.
She has over the past few years become very successful in making silver jewellery and running workshops showing people how to make it. She has also written several books talking about how to deal with stress by using nature, nature walks and foraging natural things. This is something that I have kept well out of, though I admit it has certainly crossed my mind that I could tarnish her name by talking about how she has treated her family. But I have not as that it seems incredibly unfair given the way she has successfully publicised her talent and also her philosophy.
I have read her books rather fearfully to see if there is any mention of me. What I found is that she talks about a time for her in 2008 when “a very close member of my family nearly died”. She then goes on to explain how her way of coping helped her to deal with this. I also listened to her when she was on Woman’s Hour on Radio 4 recently where she said the same thing.
The fact Is, I feel uncomfortable by the fact that she has reduced my brain injury to her own advantage. That is, she names the event as a severely negative emotional situation but almost negates it by talking about how she overcame it with her unique method of living.
I have said nothing to anybody about this because I felt that in some way this is selfish of me to feel slightly angry. I told my closest friend recently and she 100% agreed that I had every right to feel angry about it.
I was wondering you people out there who have suffered a brain injury too, do you think you’d maybe feel this way too? The fact is, since my TBI in 2008 my sister has been really nasty to me. She hasn’t understood what it might be like for me and has turned everything around to say that she is a victim, certainly not me. So why should she mention what happened to her own avail?
I'd love to hear your opinions everybody out there and thank you so much for reading this X
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saville75
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Hello Saville75, I would like to begin by thanking you for perhaps shedding a little light on why my own sister who has pretty much disowned me since my fall and head/brain injury back in 1999. Your comments about your own sister's centre of attention approach to life might have hit the nail on the head regarding my own sister whose behavior since 1999 has, in all honesty, completely baffled me. I would describe her initial reaction as a running away in fear kind of thing, and I seriously think that kind of reaction can easily be accounted for and accepted. However, now 24 years later, her lack of interest in my life and total lack of communication with me despite the endless array of means of communication these days is, well, weird .
I don't know if my own sister has chosen to play the victim role, although it is perfectly possible she might have done in the early years following my accident. My sister did stop speaking to my parents too but I am not certain whether that had anything to do with what happened to me and for a long time now she has been back in contact with them anyway. She just seems to have closed the door on me but perhaps as your message suggests that is her way of coping.
I have just realized that my response is very much just saying "yes, same here," and sadly not offering any suggestions about how to possibly amend your situation. I am terribly sorry about that but feel unable to provide you with even the slightest idea as I, at first, tried to bridge the gap between my sister and myself but only succeeded in, if anything, making the divide between us even larger.
I think your entry today is extremely courageous and opens up the subject of the far reaching psychological damage that people's reactions, including friends and family, can have on your life. The accident to me was just the beginning, what followed was unimaginable and a great deal of that was based on the reactions of others including close relatives.
I have personally largely given up on my sister now as I think it, meaning our relationship, was over for her a long time ago. However,I wish you good fortune with your personal relationships in the future and thanks for sharing such personal information. Although I have been wrong on this score a million times before I honestly stupidly thought that the sister situation was one which had only really happened to me.
And finally, yes you have the right to be angry, of course you have. I for one am greatly disappointed by my sisters behaviour but have hidden it away in one of yhose closed rooms in my mind. But when I do think about it, like I am now, it pisses me off to such a high altitude that the expression pissed off does not really do it the amount of justice it truly deserves.
I'm sorry to hear about this L. It sounds as if she was thinking about the way your brain injury affected her, rather than how it affected you.
When someone in our closest social or family circle fails to empathise with us, or understand what's happening to us when they have been close personally, it's a double whammy - we lose a person we previously relied upon emotionally and/ or physically - so it's like a bereavement, and it also really really hurts our feelings that they can't see things from our point of view. It hurts a lot more when it comes from someone you are close to. One manifestation of grief is anger.
The other aspect of your story is that you feel like your personal life has been somehow monetised by her.
It all sounds very painful indeed. I don't want to excuse her - it certainly doesn't sound as if she behaved well - but I don't think we can get away from the fact that our brain injuries, whether mild like mine, or really serious like yours, do affect everyone around us. We can often see this, and it is painful - also in their turn, in their wanting us to be normal - or just not seeing the very real difficulties we handle every day in some shape or form they often hurt us badly, even if it is only by a simple throwaway remark.
The trouble is, we can never exactly understand how a particular event actually affects someone else - even if we expect our sisters to get something because we have a particularly close bond - and it's actually unlikely, particularly where family dynamics are concerned - there's apparently some huge difference in how siblings perceive things depending on their position in the family.
I don't know how things were with you both when you were younger, - my sister and I would always unite against any perceived injustice perpetrated by our parents, and we can still engender that spirit of solidarity - I think what seems very sad for you and your sister is that it seems you both lost your 'partner in crime'.
Take care, hope it feels better to have vented from this place of deep pain x
No disrespect to your sister cos I don't know her, but she seems (or at least in this case) a vile, nasty, horrible person.
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That is horrible for you. Luckily my family have been particularly supportive (well in the first few years anyway. My mum and older brother still are & I don't know if my recovery would be even close to what it has been without them (now with one of my brother's & sister, it's kind of like a case of, ' it was 29 years ago, get over it ' .
My reaction is ' it's like losing an arm or leg. It doesn't grow back. You learn how to compensate for that disability, but your brain has been severely damaged in a similar way. It won't actually repair itself.
Like everyone I would imagine, my concentration, my memory & the severe lack of motivation is shot t bits, I have tried to get back to how it was for the last 29 years. and believe me I've tried, but to no avail ;o(
But again I have learned to compensate for this disability as I hope U will.
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As for your sister, well the way I feel, I can't put into words. I just feel for you.
I was told after my injury, family members either flee, or hang in there. They didn't talk much about some sort of hanging around but being negative in a lot of ways. This happens. I have had it happen to me and others in various groups I have participated in have also discussed it happening.
My sister isn't around much and when she is it is for her gain, not to help me.
I wasn't really that surprised as she is very much about appearances and I had noticed, since her early days , had a marked dislike for anyone disabled. Her trying to gain from my situation also didn't surprise me, though I had hoped she would try to be genuinely helpful.
We don't have a relationship really, I just have to deal with her in passing.
One of her children put me on an application to something though, where she got extra points towards being accepted by having a disabled relative. However, the young person never even had so much as a phone conversation with me after I got the injury, never mind spending any time with me, or offering me any help. So, it was kind of a false claim on her part. I do note my sister couldn't wait to tell me, as if I should be glad to be of at least some use to them... for a change.
So yes, unfortunately some will only use you and some of them will be your relatives, and if they can't use you, have no use for you.
There is no point in sugar coating it, and pretending it isn't so.
It must be hard to see your sister out in public touting herself as a mental health expert after basically leaving you in the lurch, and acting like her wound of losing the old you was greater than what you were going through. Well, it would seem, for some personality types, this is exactly the case.
If she is someone who enjoys attention, it's not really that surprising she would have a public persona out there on line and getting attention through that means.
Personally, I don't feel there is anything for you to gain in outing her, though I do get why you would feel that way. Technically she is offering things to help people with their mental health, as if the issues she went through impacted her own and made her an expert of sorts. So, confrontation just would be messy. Instead, I feel it would serve you better to put your efforts into living your own best possible life, and not wasting energy on people who are likely never going to contribute to your life in a positive way. The amount of stress we have, and how we have to really curate our life, is really important for how well we do in the long run - we have none to squander. The best - revenge / way of coping - is to live a great life - on your terms.
Perhaps spending some time thinking about what you would hope to gain from confronting her online might help you, but then if you think about something that is where your focus goes, and it's energy you can't ever get back to put toward something else. (Public safety? Revenge? ultimate reconciliation? other?) Sounds exhausting to me.
Yes, I can be very blunt.
It's a hard situation.
I know when I read of people's families hanging in there with them, I am very happy for them, but feel a bit of a pinch sometimes. Still, I chose a long time ago to do my best to see the good in the world and it really does brighten my day when I do see those who hang in for their loved ones, even though it is such a hard road. To me these are the people who are really living life to the fullest - even though it guts them. They aren't turning away from the highs and lows, but fiercely hang on - they get love is a verb. I have the utmost respect for them, and yes, for those who did put in their all and came to the end of the line - it happens, and I get why.
It's also hard when I am trying to get help and some agency will just say 'oh your family is going to have to step up' or 'just get someone to help you with that'. I know very well I am far from the only one in the rowing solo boat. It took me awhile to understand that is just how they budget and they turn a blind eye.
The short answer is, I suppose, it is down to personality. There are those who are very self centred and around for what they can get, and when they can no longer get from you, will punish you for it. Some people are just difficult, and like to pretend they aren't - or just don't see themselves that way - or do, and won't admit it. People are complicated.
Sometimes this goes as far as someone having narcissisitic tendencies - I watched a D r R a m i n i on youtube because she talks a lot about dealing with difficult people, and different personality types. So, you see, it isn't about you really - it's about them.
And, with some people, having them absent themselves and just not be around - is the best thing ever.
Maybe try to do something in what they refer to as reframing a situation -that is, instead of thinking about it and thinking oh it means this or that, and I find myself feeling this or that - you try to find a way to reinterpret it so it doesn't eat at you - you feel something empowering instead. I know that may sound a bit odd and fake, but you know, it can work.
Perhaps consider contacting Headway and see if you can get some counselling about it. I am sure there must be something because abandonment isn't uncommon.
I can really relate to this although afew differences in that my sister and I have never really gotten on. We are 2 very different people.
I was the academic, successful career etc she, she was the Tom boycott athletic bum about. She's always been very needy of my mum and always attention seeked and suffered depression and used to say as children she was jealous of me.
I feel ill with a rare brain infection only 3 years ago and almost died. Just before I fell ill she found out she was expecting but wasn't sure if she was going to keep it and decided to have a termination on my wedding day! I ended up missing my own wedding in a medically induced coma. When I came out hospital a month later covid had hit , she had decided to keep tye baby, so my mum decided my sister needed her support more than me being taken care of at home by my fiance who was also still working , taking care or me and our 2 sons. My mum formed a support bubble with my sister. My friends were furious. How could she not want to help take care of you and her grandchildren when you almost died. My relationship is broken with my mum as whilst she was slways at my sisters beck and call , the time me and my family needed her she wasn't there for me or us and I actually dislike my sister even more now. She's so selfish and the fact they compared her struggle being pregnant with me nearly dieing and now living with a brain injury and everything it has left with me is a joke.
Sorry for the rant but also relieved to get it out. X
Hi Saville, I am very sympathetic to the issues you face with your sister.
I personally am very straightforward, never wish to complicate anything. Your sister is unique to you, and it is not uncommon for there to be emotional issues within families.
If I was you I would get in touch with my sister and focus on repairing that crucial relationship. Nobody in the world is perfect, it is impossible, but surely ultimately you wish to have her back and that relationship repair would be fantastic for your mum & dad.
Hi, you’re not alone, I’m in a similar situation with my mother in law. I was rushed into hospital after a seizure and facial droop, massive brain tumour found, emergency surgery with a possible fatal prognosis. She was at her apartment in Tenerife, so could have got a flight home, but waiting a few days, came home, then went off to her caravan. She didn’t check in with us or her grandchildren , and got her information from my husbands sister. My family were at the hospital and continued to visit and helped after I came home. We respectfully asked that anyone who visited got in touch first and didn’t just turn up as I was still very poorly, my speech was poor and I was very confused and emotional. 6 years on she still stays away, she doesn’t bother with my husband or our girls. Before my illness I would invite her for meals, did Mother’s Day and took her out regularly, made an effort with her. Now she tells the story of she’s been really hurt by me. That it’s her sons house and she can visit when she wants and doesn’t have to check if it’s convenient to call in. Her ‘truth’ is not my ‘truth’ whatever that means. My family don’t understand this at all, but looking back I can see she loved, the attention on her, she made every occasion an opportunity for her to feel important, no matter who’s occasion it was. She is a great manipulator and twists the truth and is very believable to others. I’ve realised she’s a narcissist. If it’s not about her she’s not happy, so will seek attention elsewhere. This has really messed with my head at times, contributed to my depression, panic attacks and anxiety. I cannot get my head around how at my worst time she would make it about her? How could she not check in on her granddaughters and see how their lives are shaping. Why is she being so distant with her son? I’ve been a good wife to her son, married 30 years, worked hard, welcomed her to our home, been generous to her and been available to her. But she’s the one who’s hurt by my brain tumour. As time as gone on, she continues to flit from one place to another manipulating situations to het advantage, staying with people , using people and relationships to get attention. I see how she has stirred up problems with brothers and sisters, tells her ‘truth’ to others, who are sympathetic to her, until they challenge her behaviour, then she distances herself and moved on to the next attention supply. It all makes me feel so sad. I hate the twisting of my situation to others, I’m still battling with many of the effects of my brain injury and the watch and wait of a tensing tumour. I’m sorry you’re being treated like this, but this says more about your sister than you. For me any efforts we’ve made to her, are not enough, she’s all smiles and looks a fabulous person to others, but the reality is that, we can no longer offer her the attention she demands, so she ignores the situation. She doesn’t like boundaries and unless the attention is on her, she’s not interested. I’m wondering if your sister is the same? Is she a narcissist? It’s sad I know, but maybe she wouldn’t bring anything of substance to your life and it’s best to leave things. I’d hate that you’d be hurt more by further rejection from her, should you reach out to her. So be prepared that, may happen if you do. You are not alone.
had my tbi in 2000, all my family visited me. A month in intensive care. Apparently family find it hard to accept the changes to us as a result of injury. In my divorce husband stated I wasn’t the girl he married?! Having spent 9th wedding anniversary in coma. In truth marriage was over before my accident, my sister was always no1 with mum &dad. Kids, on benefits, divorced. Felt pushed out by my reliance on parents, became manager of home for severely brain damaged people?!!! Still couldn’t accept the new me. Manipulated money out of me, warned me not to tell parents!! I supported mum through death of father, her dementia for a year before she actually had her diagnosed?!! Was running an expensive home for dementia sufferers. Took her in for a weeks respite care. Xmas 2022 she had a fall in home. Taken into nearest hospital. With covid lockdown my other brother gave up his lunch to go visit, out of lockdown I would go by taxi to east Surrey hospital daily to sit with her weekly. David would now visit weekend so. Neither sister or elder brother would visit at all, Kieth had recently lost his wife to cancer so hold no malice to him. The night she died they both visited, me &david went out to smoke in disgust!! We stayed with mum that night. She passed away 2.30 the next morning. Sister now manipulating Kieth through funeral, executing will, they would be ashamed at the way their children are behaving!! Life is a trying, funny thing!! Have learnt to smile in spite of it!!! Good luck, u not the only one!!
Reading your story has made me grieve again for the lost relationship with my elderly mother and also for the lost relationship with my brother who destroyed them for his own gain.
Hi there so sorry to read about your situation as it must hurt not just you but both your parents How do they feel about the situation? Your sister has cut you all out of her life which was a very selfish act & I can feel the pain this has caused you. It will be easy to say just move on an forget her but the pain will always be there. Perhaps you should speak to her or write to her & express your feelings to her & leave it at that trying to damage her reputation is below the belt an will only make you regret it later from the guilty feelings it might leave you with.
have 2 elder sisters who died as baby’s! Reguarding them as my guardian angels!! Have found another sister, David’s partner of 10 years. Kin hands u relatives, life let’s u choose?!!
Or even write the letter and then just shred it, it's acknowledging the pain you felt when you read what she said, rather then exacting retribution and causing pain in turn.
I just wanted to thank everyone here for replying to me. It means a lot to me. You've all in your own way helped me to think about this slightly differently. I need to find a way of allowing this to settle and allow this to be accepted by me. I suppose I hate the fact that she's referring to something where she really didn't help me, even though she claims to have done. I need to just accept it and remember the parts she has played both back then and now. Thank you again everybody X
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