Relationship Problems

[bugsyroo]

Hi all,

10 months ago I posted asking for advice how to move forward and be as supportive as I could following my wife's TBI. Thanks for all of your replies.

The one year anniversary of her accident is tomorrow and two days ago I discovered that she wants to leave me and yesterday it was confirmed that she wants a divorce.

We have been attending Relate sessions since October but that doesn't seem to have worked.

Around 9 months ago I discovered a diary she had written (with hand written notes by her mother) detailing my unacceptable behaviour. It included our children being scared of me, me potentially emotionally abusing her and general unacceptable behaviour - all of which myself, my family and friends feel is absolutely untrue.

I finally confronted her about it and she said that she had been told to compile it on the advice of the medical practitioners at the hospital where she received her final treatment/assessment.

I believed that at the time but now can't help but think that it was a prelude to the situation I find myself in now.

Also, around this time there were whisperings from a couple of mutual acquaintancies that we were going to split up which could only have come from her lips.

It seems to me that 3 months after her TBI she had already made the decision that our relationship wasn't going to survive and started to lay the groundwork then.

We have two children (13 and 7) and they're still exceptionally unsettled after last March's accident and the aftermath. I absolutely don't want to do anything to hurt them any more and don't want my family to break up.

I wonder if anyone out there has had a similar experience or if anyone has any words of advice or support?

Thank you so much in advance

Bugsy

[bugsyroo]

Just to add to this. We’ve been together over 15 years and married for 4 years. So far as I (and friends and family) was concerned we had a strong, supportive and loving relationship with the ups and downs inherent in any relationship.

[bugsyroo]

Thanks for the reply. She absolutely wouldn’t write on this forum as she fully believes when she was discharged from her psychological/cognitive etc therapy she was ‘fully cured’ and so needs no further help - hence I’m the one completely in the wrong.

[steve55 in reply to bugsyroo]

unfortunately thats the problem, we re discharged with no further help and the partner is left to pick up up the pieces.

she thinks shes the same person, but like me that persons gone, shes a different person, will she be able to cope with the pressures of bringing up 2 children, one whose already a teenager and will be challenging your wifes authority, how will she react, what part of her brain is damaged and what are the consequences of that injury.

that my friend is the question you and your solicitor should be asking.

[bugsyroo]

Unfortunately not. Her family are fully endorsing her, she’s dropped friends who questioned her and seems to be able to be ‘plausible’ around others. I wish I could communicate with her or point her towards Headway fact sheets but she’s convinced that, since August, she’s cured and she’s prepared to destroy our family and hurt the kids badly.

[razyheath43]

I have to say all this sounds very badly assessed by pros and family! it does appear from what you say that she may lack the capciacity to make such a descion and has got very muddled up i suggset you seek another opion good luck

[bugsyroo in reply to razyheath43]

Thanks for all of your replies. I might be able to get her brother onside but she’s dead set on a divorce and wants me to start mediation ASAP. She completely shut me out of her rehab - after having an initial meeting with a consultant who asked me if her current behaviour was usual and I said no. I felt so disloyal saying that and she shot me daggers and shut me out from then on in. She even admitted recently that during that time she removed me as next of kin on the hospital records as she needed to do it alone. I can’t see anything derailing her intentions or her ever seeking further medical opinion but I’ll try anything.

[sealiphone]

Lack of insight is a fairly common symptom and if she sees her close family often I would have thought they'd be well placed to spot a difference.

Have you been able to discuss this with them openly or is it just your wife saying they agree.

I can understand why your wife may ditch friends, I did this many years ago with a few, they couldn't understand brain injury and this can be frustrating and extremely unhelpful at times, some of their input was akin to "Pull your socks up"!!

Trying to get her brother on your side may be the wrong approach, I'd just try and discuss it and if he expresses concern his input may help her to see the light. However If he takes offense to you trying to get him on your side I can only see your wife becoming more estranged.

[Hidden]

Very easy to decide that the BI person is making bad decisions when they aren't in line with yours? Perhaps the way forward is to listen to her concerns rather than dismissing them as invalid if you are genuinely hoping for reconciliation.

[bugsyroo in reply to Hidden]

Many thanks for all of your replies. I completely agree with you Neverdidmind and during our Relate sessions I’ve tried to be as empathetic as possible and implement the counsellors suggestions to rebuild a healthy and strong relationship.

[Daylight123]

This is a very difficult and sad situation from what you have said, you are fighting to save your relationship from the sad effect of TBI. For what ever reason your wife can't cope with being the relationship and having a TBI, she now sees things very differently and is constructing her own reality . It's such a shame that her family are supporting her to break up her relationship rather than work things through with you. I do understand you trying everything possible. I would do the same, but the truth is it might not work.

I think the focus must be your children this situation must be so confusing and difficult for them. There are different ways to love your wife the first is looking after yourself and getting the support you need so you can be strong and there for your children and in a way for your wife.

Everyone on this site is here for you, as we all know this is a very hard time for you and your family.

Take care

[Hidden]

It might be helpful for you to think in very practical terms about the challenges she is facing and the changes you have made in your life to support this.

If you document it, it may be easier to have the discussion.

What does she find difficult now?

(Word finding? Cognitive processing speeds? Memory?Decision making? Balance? Flashing lights? Conflicting noises? Busy places? Socialising?)

How do you identify when she is struggling with fatigue? Or overwhelm?

What do you do when this happens?

What do you do now in practical terms (kids/housework etc) on a daily basis that you didn't do before?

How have you changed your diary planning in terms of family time/social/work to manage the symptoms?

What support have you found for her that she has rejected so far?

(Neuro psych referral? CBT referral? Mindfulness? Meditation classes? Local headway group?)

Just a thought.