Hi
Been struggling to cope with my partner’s changed personality feel bad saying it
Left for a while but couldn’t cope with the guilt so back doing my best to support etc
Feel like I’ve lost the person I have been with for 20 years
So much has changed
Hi CJ, you need to be there for you partner unconditionally. Talk to Headway helpline, contact details are on this page, they can help you. You both need support and stability.
Hi c j I know how you feel its hard work isn't it, I was the the same with my husband of 23 years its very lonely because they have changed emotionally and from what I've learnt that's the new them. Please phone headway help line to help you through this.
Hi CJ, I know how you feel. My partner had a TBI 19 months ago and I'm struggling to come to terms with this new person, our changed relationship and the sense of losing my right to choose who I spend my life with. I don't think you should feel you have to be there for your partner regardless of your own feelings. There should be other reasons for staying - other than guilt. You are also trying to process what feels like the loss of the person you spent the last 20 years with, I imagine your grief is going unacknowledged. Wishing you the best of luck going forward and the ability to look after your own needs as well as your partner's. x
I can relate to this. I don't know as yet what has changed in my husband's personality but they are there. Some are very subtle. Some not so subtle but not constant and hard to pin down. And mostly I think that things could be a lot worse with his changes, so very much worse. However they are still there and they're still changes. The guilt at feeling confused and sad and also angry at this and how all of it impacts all involved esspecially yourself and you partner is almost all consuming. Add to that feeling tired and overstretched all day every day with general life stuff....it's the hardest thing. So very hard. I'm trying not to feel guilty about my feelings because they're MINE and I'm allowed to feel. Having to be an unwavering pillar of strength is not normal and it's an unfair requirement. What you are feeling in my opinion is normal and real and painful These emotions are quite hard to work through. So just feel. I hope you have a little support bubble around you.
Hi CJ and welcome. I'm so sorry to hear of the turmoil you and your partner have suffered and still are. Few folk can come through a bleed on the brain without significant after-effects including severe fatigue, memory & emotional issues (and much, much more).
Please don't feel guilty for your feelings of loss ; you've lost the person you were close to for 20 years and you're lonely & hurt. Can you tell us more about your family situation ? For instance who cared for your partner when you left and does she have family members who're supportive ?
Also, how 'able' is your partner in caring for her own daily needs ? I'm thinking in terms of a compromise whereas you could take time out for other, quite separate, relationships whilst still being there for her if/when needed.
Cat x
Thanks for your support Family haven’t forgiven me for leaving
I get that
We have someone come in to help
She has good friends they used to be ours but again they don’t have anything to do with me
There is support for her
I’m not feeling sorry for myself I understand decisions have consequences
Thanks for the update. It's good your partner has friends and family around ; I had a haemorrhage 9 years ago and know how important it is to have support. But I've never taken for granted the support from family & friends and have always regretted the shock and worry they were hit by.
But you need people onside too. I know we can't provide practical help, but as a brain injury survivor I've found this forum a lifeline. Whether a survivor, carer or partner we try to support each other knowing there are challenges on all sides.
You won't be judged here CJ so please accept our moral support and maybe even some helpful advice from others who get what you're going through. Hope to see you around and that you're headed for better days. x
What you have shared is real and normal. I've been with my husband 26yrs, 20th wedding anniversary this year. We are chalk and cheese always have been, but under that our values, decision making is like to like and I feel comforted with that despite enormous decisions on my own and what has been achieved no family, no friends.
However if I had the TBI and followed the same road he has presented past 16months, I wouldn't be in the family home.
I've realised we both have our strengths now in different ways, people say relationships change, but honestly despite my husband 42, hes always carried on like a 20yr old , but the emotional, cognitive, behavioral turmoil he would have not coped with and that's because I've always been that piece. I'm as loyal as they come and stick to what I know he/we can achieve, we have children not the family life I visioned for them, not the marriage I visioned either but we are here working with TBI and I do feel we are few years away to just balancing out still, I have many nights, days, weeks crying and feeling I cant cope, but Friday we done something I didn't know whether was achievable we accessed the community safely first time in 16months, it's really something others take for granted, but for us it's a massive milestone.
You should be honest with your partner in a way they will understand otherwise this guilt is not going to go.
I understand why relationships breakdown though, this is something you need to figure out within yourself,and not use your partners life changing injuries to not meeting your needs, you need to be 100% in or out otherwise this will impact on this current relationship or future relationships.
Hello, I agree with Cat, you have gone back to your partner, so that counts.
You could be in the process of grieving for the loss of your partner's previous persona, and your suddenly changed life, but so will she. Grief and fear come out in different ways, in different people. You said in your biog that she is terminally ill as well. What has led up to this point?
It's worth taking to Headway helpline on 0808 800 2244 and finding out what support you might find locally - though the helpline is very good on its own.
You may not have time - but I've just been reading a great book where the first half is the diary of a lecturer and director (of the centre for mindfulness research at Bangor University) who suffered a sub arachnoid haemorrhage, and later a second stroke - then the second half is a straightforward and down to earth discussion of the effects of brain injury and stroke by her clinical neuropsychologist- which sometimes relates back to episodes described in the diary section - it explains what sort of difficulties someone with a brain injury experiences and describes strategies to help recovery and to cope. It's explained stuff to me that I hadn't understood before (frankly I'd recommend it just for the section written by the neuropsychologist.) It is called
'Mindfullness and stroke a personal story of managing brain injury' by Jody Mardula and Frances L Vaughan ( I ordered a copy from my library).
Don't feel bad about it.Its 4 years since my husbands cardiac arrest and subsequent hypoxic brain injury.We have been together nearly 25 years.He can't remember anything from before his accident.Like others have said try headway,but if you're on Facebook request to join brain injury carers group.Others are in same situation and know what you're going through.I find it helps and you can rant on there without feeling guilty or being judged.Hugs.xx
Hi everyone my name is Stacey my partner Ste had a head injury last may went out for a jog never came home he had 3 bleeds on the brain had to have life changing surgery it’s been the hardest year of our life’s it’s so hard I am looking for others that are in the same boat to talk to feel like Iam going crazy at times Hope you ok i feel like I live with someone else as well I and I feel like no body understands because they don’t have to live with him x
Welcome Stacey.. So sorry about your partner. You'll find many others here in the 'same boat' as yourself, so maybe tell a little more about Ste's injury and current situation in your own separate post so that your story isn't lost amongst others. You deserve to be heard m'love...
Hope to see you again soon. Cat x
Hello Stacey , im in same position x
Hi Cjuphill,It is good you came here and are looking for support. I have an injury and am about 12 years out. You do need support to deal with the situation. You also have a loss - both of you are grieving a loss.
Do find the literature about how things change and have a read through, it will help you understand and recognize things.
Getting help from Headway is good if there is one in your area, if not there are other types of support groups locally and a ton of stuff online.
It is hard and no judgement here. (Many days I would love a break from the symptoms, and haven't found a way of leaving for a couple of days without taking myself with me... this is supposed to be a joke, though true... thought I better say because text doesn't show humor signs on the face.)
In my case I have the results of the injury to deal with plus the care of an aging parent so I kind of see both sides. (There is very little practical support where I live.)
As things change with health it is confronting and you have to find your way to a new way of relating, though it never really stabilizes in some ways you can find a way to see that person is still them, and find the love because they are them... so in some ways yes you do have to grieve the things about them you loved that may not be presently there... but you hopefully will find that thing about them was after all, a thing, and they are still them underneath.
I hope that made some sense, it is hard to explain.
Nice meeting you, CJ
hello
Hello!
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Hello and advice for my dad
Hello, just listened to this...
