Struggling to cope!

[Hannah2329]

I’ve been with my husband for the last 10 yrs+ he has brain damage as a result of a hypoxia brain injury! Our relationship has deteriorated over time until January when he was arrested for assaulting me! I haven’t seen him since and I miss him greatly! But I could no longer cope with his behaviour as well as managing everything on my own.... it’s been seven weeks now and my heart aches to see him and talk to him but his bail conditions mean he can’t! at the same time I am mad at him as I’m still the one here trying to cope with the kids and everything else (I know it’s not his fault he’s not here) but he’s given me £14 towards the children since he left and has only seen them for 6hrs (I don’t know why as I’ve been open to him seeing them more even if it’s just cause I need a break! I’m hopeful that the council will have found him somewhere to live? As all I know is “he’s staying with a friend”

My bank account has been hacked (not by him) so I’m struggling to get hold of what little money I do have! I desperately want to talk to him and have even tried withdrawing my statements against him so we can move on but have been told this will make no difference to his court case happening so now I don’t know what to do! There’s now tons of people involved - police, social services, court, DV charity, Health visitor, “mutual friends” (who I’m struggling to trust - yet I can’t speak to the only person I want to talk to - him! My life’s a mess right now and I just feel so sad and lonely! I do still love him deep down but cause of my own depression and PTSD I just couldn’t cope and still can’t 😢

[Hidden]

Hannah, I am just off to a hospital visit so will reply fully later. My bi husband attacked me too and the police and social services got involved. Please phone Headway, they have details of solicitors who specialise in people with bi who can advise. He needs someone to tell the court that it is the brain doing these awful things, not the man.

You might find a short break will be good as it will give him time to realise what he is missing. It will also be good for your kids not to have to live in such a bad atmosphere.

Jan

[Hannah2329 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your reply, I’m sure he already has a solicitor in place to help him who one would assume will use his BI which I’m fine with! Society wants me to hate him and I can’t, I don’t and I won’t! Deep down I still have a lot of love for him I just couldn’t cope with how he was treating me!

[Navillus]

Although it’s got worse in the long run intervention by other people might be better. It probably doesn’t seem that way but you can’t manage your husband and his BI complications on your own. It’s gonna be incredibly tough on you as you’re lumbered holding the fort and staying strong and not everyone will give you help/advice you need but perhaps you could phone Headway yourself to see if there are ways they can help you manage someone with BI too. Give you advice or help on how to help your own situation.

[sealiphone]

If someone with a TBI is a risk to themself or another, I believe they should have been treated as a priority for the Rehab team.

If he's not received that help his solicitor may put that forward as a alternative to a more punitive sentence.

I wonder if your solicitor may be able to come to an agreement about this outcome?

[Hannah2329]

I don’t need to be able to manage him anymore - he’s not here and not coming back for the foreseeable! I’m just struggling to cope without him in my life after more than 10yrs of being together everyday! 😢

[Beckyv1288]

Hannah I did this for months, after 10 years my partner left after i had enough of his behaviour and told him to leave, but he left without a fight, packed his stuff and left without a second thought for me and the kids, then he went on a self destruct mission where he hurt me so badly emotionally. I know exactly how your feeling, the one person you need is the one person causing the pain. Your going to feel heartbroken and devastated. You just need to stay strong for yourself and your kids, if its meant to be then it will sort out but be prepared it may not be instant, when somebody leaves after so long its like a death, u actually grieve, i cried every single day for 10 weeks solid when we seperated, he is and always will be the greatest love of my life and i know whatever gets thrown at us we will get through it, no matter how emotionally draining it is

Have some time to yourself, as hard as it is at the moment just remember it can only get better

xxx

[Daylight123]

Hi Hannah, you are going through a kind of bereavement , you have lost the person you've known and the support he gave you. Your having to cope with a lot of unpleasant changes and financial pressures. Both you and your husband need help and support so you can find a positive way forward it will however take time. There is a line that no one can cross when it comes to aggression you had to protect yourself, you will be able to help your husband by making it clear that he needs treatment not punishment. He cannot be around you if he is likely to become aggressive because of his BI and he might know that he can't cope with the kids right. It sound like he needs space on his own at the moment .

As a partner you will have to work out what kind of relationship you will have with him in the future. Headway might be able to recommend a cousellor so you have some space to work through your feels and all the issues your facing.

Were all here to support you as having a partner with BI, bring up kids , dealing with lots of proffessional and all the other issues cannot be done on your own.

Your at a very difficult place right now but you and he will get through this. He is a very lucky man to have you.

Focus on the kids and try and get out with friends if possible as you need to take care of yourself. I was a single mum and there were times when i felt so lonely, but i have built a new life for myself.

Its a slow journey but the important thing is to learn how you can move forward and who are the people who can help you.

Big hug

[steve55]

first question i need to ask, the depression i can understand, but who diagnosed you with post traumatic stress disorder? i ask this as an ex service man.

theres 2 sides to every story, as a person with a brain injury and suffers from aggression and mood swings ( but im on medication, which controls mine to a degree ) theres a lot here not being told.

85% of marriages where the partner has a brain injury ends this way with the partner ending up on the street and their mental health goes untreated, you are aware your husband has a mental health problem and like me should be seeing a psychiatrist?

remember " not all disabilities are visable "

[Hannah2329 in reply to steve55]

Why do you ask? My PTSD was diagnosed by my GP as well as being confirmed by therapists I have worked with over the last year. My husbands brain injury was as a result of attempted suicide by hanging - I found him - hanging from the roof rafters of our old house, down through the loft hatch with his dressing gown cord round his neck!

I am well aware that my husband needs help, and I have spent years trying to get him help, the problems escalated because he felt he didn’t need or want help so everything was left to me to manage with no let up, no break!

He is on medication and it does make a difference but not enough in my opinion.

[steve55]

hi iam sorry i now understand you being diagnosed with ptsd.

try and find out where your local monthly headway meets,its a social occassion as well as learning more about your particular problem and the people are great. give it a go please.

its a shame its something you didnt get to do with your husband, he mayve been sat there while someones talking and whoa...............i get that.

steve