Relationships after TBI

Hi I don't have any advice but I've had a stroke. It really does change your personality and spirit. Your kind of there but you're not. The depression is really hard. I can see that you can feel as if you're sinking. I think we need a lot of support. Which is tough when it's frustrating for your partner too. It's like why don't you do something? When you're in the biggest rut it's so difficult to get out.

Hope you can get some support and care. For yourself too x

Does your husband understand how bad things are? Is he able to realise that your marriage is under threat? I think you have to make him understand that if he doesn't get help then you won't be able to cope. He needs treatment for his depression to help him be more motivated and probably CBT would do him good too when he could talk through his problems. Any job, even voluntary work would be a start for him. Have you made sure you are getting all the financial help you should be entitled to?

Good luck with it all.

Irose, I suspect your husband needs an ultimatum to get help with his low mood. Sufferers of depression are notoriously difficult to motivate, even though it's ultimately in their own interest.

There's a level of depression which is tantamount to giving up on life and it needs intervention from another person to break the inertia. Perhaps you could insist that he see his GP, accompanied by you, to ask for help in addressing his loss of motivation. That insistance might need the added proviso of 'It's my way or the highway' to succeed.

It's possible an antidepressant would boost his serotonin level enough to kick-start a healthier, more positive outlook on life. I've been where your man is, and I'm only too grateful for someone using the 'Cruel to be kind' tactic to get me the help I needed.

Best wishes to you both............... Cat x

Irose, I agree with Cat. My husband suffered a BI over 3 years ago and I am very thankful that he has kept his job. He has made an excellent recovery, 95% there I would say. However, he does get tired and he is more irritable. I have adjusted to this and I do pull him up about it (I choose my moments, as low mood is still problematic for him).

You have a baby now and your priorities have changed, for the sake of yourself, your baby and your husband it sounds like its time to take action. CBT, mindfulness etc are good tools to help. Is there anything he takes joy in? Perhaps he needs a business partner rather than going alone completely with the business? Small steps on the road to recovery, with celebrations along the way.

I wish you all well x

I tried to withhold antidepressants but gave in after 6 months and it's made a big difference . I m so much more contented and accepting if my bi and just want to do more and live life to the full , even tho mine is early days ( 9 months ) I'm just so grateful I survived . So make him get help and realise how lucky he is to have you and a baby boy . Good luck xx

Hello,

I went through a relationship that was similar as a TBI person. My partner never understood or appeared to help or support after the birth of our boy eight years ago. As someone with a TBI I was given no aftercare, was expected to cope with no knowledge of my injury & it's aftermath, personality changes, depression, suicidal thoughts, emotional rollercoaster, social exhile & basically in exhile of reality.

Our relationship broke down because of a mixture of my fluctuating mental capacity, a lack or will to have any understanding turned her into quite a selfish creature. I was find of duped, unsupported to sign away ownership to our join mortgage & I was paid me off with £20 grand on a £480 grand property. 😕

However he needs to have some lightbulbs turned on upstairs. He may be in a similar position as I was. I didn't have the understanding of the full package of my exsistance. I tried to hide everything away & carry on with a brave face not wanting to admit that I had a disability & was unable to cope.

I'm a 6ft 3ins ex rugby player nothing was a problem. I walked, I talked & appeared ok, but my damaged brain was invisible & was missing the old me.

You both need help to approach this.

Please speak to either the Brain & Spine foundation or headway on their helplines.

Hopefully once they hear the issues they will offer you both a way to approach this to enlighten him to how life is for him & how it effects you.

I do hope you get that support & I wish I was able to sit down with him to just discuss how he is from day to day.

Don't let this thing dampen your love for him as many relationships fail after TBI but I hope you get that support.

Please let me know how you get on & I do know it's going to be hard approaching this with him. He will be in denial & thinking everything is fine but he will be hiding the truth unwilling to face it.

Sometimes it can develope into a PTSD situation if proper support is not supplied.

All my love. X

😊 Listen please. No ultimatums or threats. We have a man that is damaged & if you push then the depression can worsen, the suicidal thoughts & not being good enough then follow.

Be kind, be compassionate. 😊

Speak to Headway, the brain & spine foundation & your GP. If your GP is a good GP then he will put you before a Neurophsycologist that can do all the tests & work that is often missed.

You may need to fight the GP for this as it's taken me 10 years of hell to finally get an appointment.

Thank you all for your replies. I genuinely have been as supportive and caring as I can be. I don’t want our relationship to fail but it’s now damaging me as a person. I’m a shadow of myself & I need to be strong for my little boy. My husbands Mum and I have educated ourselves as best we can through headway etc and we have a good understanding of how his brain injury affects him. We have both offered to go to the gp with him & he was on the waiting list for psychology but the app letter went to the wrong address & now he won’t go back. The gp was reluctant to give him antidepressants as it could affect his epilepsy meds& he said he would refuse to take them anyway. I don’t want to be resentful towards him but fear this will happen if something doesn’t change & I don’t know what else I can do if he wont accept help. I will try and speak to him again. He said again today he needs to get a part time job to get himself back into a routine but then he never looks for one but I’ll have a look myself & offer to help him.

lrose08831, I've read all the posts here and want to offer you this - Given that you really can't make him change, you need to decide what you are willing to do and really take care of yourself going forward. You can't give from an empty cup. Take care of your needs very well and you will be better able to make the decisions that will work best in your situation. When all is said and done you have to take control of what you have control over. You have to make choices based on him never making any changes. If you assume this to be the case then I think you'll be better able to make the hard choices and to improve your quality of life. If he wants, he can always come along, but on your terms. Please take care of yourself.

First off, clearly relationships change and not all last anyway, but a brain injury causes changes that change the dynamic of it. put simply breakups and divorce are common and understandable so.

It sounds like he's depressed/low mood? has is he seeing anyone for this? and what rehab did he have? it's possible even years later to access it, though not always easy it has to be said. see my recent thread

healthunlocked.com/headway/...

it's just shy of 4 years for myself and we marriage wise, both have though seriously about divorce, partially this year which has been torrid, though we have turned a corner, both of us changing which I suspect is the key, holding on to Roger Mark1 isn't going to work.

with this all said don't feel obliged to stay to look after, but because you love him.

Just an idea. But if you don't currently, could you be the one that works while he stays at home with your son? Maybe getting a different perspective on life would suit you? And perhaps making friends with other at-home parents would be good for him.

Ah, sorry. No go then. Hope you manage to get through to him. He could try doing some voluntary work, but of course even this require willingness. I know he wouldn't be earning but it might give him more of sense of purpose that he could then build on. Just an idea.

irose08831 heres the problem with depression, it starts off small and the more you try and dig yourself out of the hole, the further into it youll go, it could be months before you come out of it.

it like everything, if you havent suffered from it you dont understand it.

steve