Recalling memories

Hello everyone, Jules here.

I said i would update you as i go along with my therapy for trauma, it might help me that i write it down and tell you as well.

My husband went with me, but waited outside. The session was held at a surgery within the neuro hospital in Newcastle. I am so lucky - it is one of the best in the country and only say 6 miles down the road.

Its taken just over a year of talking, but this is probably my 3rd 'seriously horrible direct one'.

It lasted only an hour maybe hour and half, they feel like 24 hours. My head feels like an over inflated space hopper. I dont feel i am in my environment and everything feels bubble wrapped around me.

We used the EMDR thing again (the bar of moving lights you follow as you are asked to talk about the crash and the hospital - memories and sensations of).

I found it nearly impossible to follow the little green lights as questions were asked and became super sensitive to noises - the clock clicking and people moving in other rooms above.

I still couldn't recall past a certain point, but jumped to memories of hospital. I remember feeling solid - my body and head solid then struggling for breath.

I am sitting here in my office at home now in shock i recalled my lungs collapsing and struggling to breath - it was on my 2nd day in hospital after the crash in Lincoln.

Like a lot of others here on the forum, i was taught to find something in your memory that you like - and think about it when stressed a 'safe place'.

After the shock of this happening i was asked to think of the safe place but, i had a horrific vision flash in my brain.

Before the crash i used to snorkel and i loved finding turtles to swim along side when i was in Saudi. My 'safe place' to think of was the feeling of peace as i swam with and looked into the eyes of the floating turtle (it was a cute baby). But it must have been the stress of the session, i suddenly got a violet picture flash in my head of the turtles head being hurt. It was so frightening.

The therapist turned this around by me imagining the picture again but 'pressing a button' and returning the picture of the turtle back to the beautiful thing it was. It worked.

The therapist said the sessions will get harder still. He spoke to my husband and said i would feel a kind of hangover from it and be physically and mentally very tired. But i may also continue to recall memories now.

I am back to one session per week, very concerned about recall when i am not in the therapy room and how i will react to it. But i think i will be able to use the 'safe place' idea.

Any, sorry its such a long post - just hope it helps someone else.

Kindest regards

Jules

x

21 Replies

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  • Bloody hell, where in Lincoln did it happen??

  • ?

    Hello Mr C Baron - Jules here.

    Yes, its your home ground isnt it.

    I dont really remember much but people have told me things and i have looked at the place it happened. They now seemed to have reinforced the bridge sides.

    We were travelling south Newcastle to Lincoln A1(M?)and it was Anwick I think.

    Its a hump back bridge with a round a bout ahead with signage for Sleaford (A153) saying take the left A17 to Newmark or right to Lincoln, Tuskington B road.

    It happened just after the hump back and their is a car valeting on the left of the roundabout. I dont recall any of this, just the green fields either side with a railway track maybe.

    He was just going too fast to stop for 'hidden' stationery cars over the other side of the hump back.

    Its called 'Speedway corner' I was told if that rings any bells (unfortunate isnt it).

    Do you think you know it Mr Baron

    Jules

    x

  • Ah, I see, not in the City of Lincoln then.

    Anwick is about 26 miles from Lincoln but quite close to Ruskington where I used to live

  • yes we were on our way their to see his mum - then onwards to Devon, like we did every year - that was the plan.

    I had to return to Lincol from Newcastle upon Tyne on many follow up appointments (they wanted me to see the same surgeon). I remember theri being a beautiful cathedral very near the hospital an some swanky cobbled streets and shops near the police station.

    My husband watches the cops and robbers programme - the Interceptors all the time and i always think the roads they film must be the country roads i was on.

    Lincoln looks nice place to live. Mum liked the Cathedral.

    Jules

    x

  • Yes, Lincoln cathedral is rather beautiful, once the tallest building on Earth you know. I live about four miles away from it, the Baroness works a one minute walk from it

  • Hi Mr C Barron, Jules here.

    Are you really a Barron ?

    Jules

    x

  • Baron Curfew Of Sealand, to give me my full title :)

  • wow. Amazing.

  • Cost me £100 at an auction, shhhh :)

  • I think this intensive therapy will help as what you went through was very traumatic.

    All the best, I know myself to talk about it helps millions. I have said things on here I kept bottled up for 20 years and it's hard reliving it but you can't keep it within.

    My thoughts are with you :)

  • I mean talking it through helps massively when I say 'millions' :)

  • The site (the people on it) are an amazing thing arent they.

    I still find it odd how even people who you know love and care for you dearly, simply cant talk to you fully about your 'head'. My husband i know loves me, but he is the same - its odd.

    Hope your day was OK ish and your evening peaceful aqua.

    Why Aqua ? its a lovely color - reminds me of the sea and nice memories.

    Jules

    x

  • I've never met anyone who has suffered a head injury in the 'real' world so felt very alone. Even at the Headway group I haven't spoken to anyway who has had a traumatic head injury. To be dealing with the physical healing first, then the psychological is intense to say the least. I have become in touch with my spiritual self very much to get me through all the anguish and feelings of isolation. I still hate speeding cars going past me and am terrified of my son crossing roads so drilling it in to him. 'STOP, LOOK, LISTEN' every time we cross a road! Even though that wouldn't have helped me as the drunk woman's car mounted the pavement and hit us!!! I have come to terms with it as best as possible and let go of hate and injustice of this world- you have to :)

    Sorry, went on a bit there...

    Aqua as I am Aquarius ha!

  • Hello Aqua - Its great finding out why people use certain 'usernames'.

    I have only met one person with a traumatic Bi (mum wasnt).

    He was a fellow biker, i wanted desperately to talk, but could sense he didnt. The thing is, say with people like my mum - there isnt any difference physically as the condition she has caused/causes other physical problems. Its just the same as if she had been a TBi.

    I wonder also if psycologically if she probably sufferers just like me about the 'event'. She had something tragic happen to her suddenly and i know it causes her really deep fear. So maybe we are all the same there, TBi or Bi.

    Probably very wrong, but it sits true with me and mum.

    I am REALLY sorry to read a little about what happened to you - mostlt because you sound like you saw it coming and recall it. Thats horrible. But you are safe now and here with friends.

    I have just been chatting to Cat about our frogs - do you have a pond/frogs ?

    Jules

    x

  • No pond but I dressed my son with a froggy shower cap for Book Week last Thursday! They did 'Dear Zoo'.

    I didn't see the car coming as it came from behind us- I don't remember anything about lots that happened before- I didn't know who my boyfriend at the time was- even though he was there throughout the accident. I thought my nan had sent me back from somewhere where I was shot on a beach, she had been dead 3 years. My mind was all over the place! I had speech therapy and had to learn to walk again, well remember as it only took a few days for the brain connections to get re-wired in my head. Everything else took a lot longer but basic functions came back pretty quickly so that was lucky, some might say. I had a hell of a time with paranoia and many relationships broke down. I picked myself up and don't know how I did so well in reflection. I get too tired to succeed much nowadays but lady at Headway said I'm tired because of having a child so that made me feel better. She's going to help me brush up on my skills for future employment as I was working in an office as my first job when accident happened. Hopefully I'm at a stage now where I can work in something significant. Promotion that I used to do after the accident is soul destroying :) So is leafleting!!!

  • I've mentioned before how I told my counsellor he'd be wasting his time when we embarked on 12 months of weekly sessions. But after a year of digging up buried memories and being supported through the trauma in a controlled setting, I had to eat my words.

    You might not be aware of it yet Jules, but since your therapy you've come across as a very different person...........calmer ; less fragmented in your conversation and altogether more open and 'free'.

    I found your account of the turtle, your safe image being brutally invaded, so upsetting ; it must have really shocked you. But what a skilful turnaround, courtesy of your therapist.

    You're doing SO well Jules. And I believe that offloading here will help in keeping things in perspective when you're licking your wounds after a session.

    With love, Cat xx

  • Its your accounts of things and people like you here that keep things in perspective, thank you.

    I seem able now to block that violent picture of the turtle when i talk about it. I am just recalling how the sun was too hot on my back whilst the turtle and i just floated together almost nose to nose looking at each other. He/she was so curious of me. Beautiful big (its odd, but 'caring') eyes.

    Still feeling 'removed'. Been looking on google earth at he crash site. Doesnt feel real. But i am not frightened right now.

    Hoping i will just fall asleep soon and awake feeling more 'glued' to earth.

    I had the spelling for Freudian right didnt I .... how odd, no idea where that came from - gave me a bit of a lift. Maybe i am going to be one of those people who have a bang on the head and start speaking fluent Japanese... maybe not, stick to making shortbread.

    I dont hear much about whats going on in your life recently ... hope that means you are OK ?

    Thanks for asking after Mum, she phoned yesterday and is booking to come back to UK in next 2/3 weeks. I miss her.

    Kindest regards cat

    jules

    x

  • Oh Jules..........the Japanese remark had me in bits !

    You really do look like a metamorphosis in progress, where that (if you'll forgive me) timid little creature in its cocoon is preparing to spread amazing colourful wings and soar ! (bit over the top I know, but you get my drift !)

    I'm not too forthcoming about my activities as there's nothing remarkable going on at present. Just pootling about waiting for better weather before coming out of hibernation. I'm OK though.........than you for asking m'dear.

    I was surprised to hear of your mum's return to the UK. I asked her whether it was due to her health or the political situation but haven't heard from her since. Is this a permanent move Jules ? xx

  • Hello Cat

    Mums eyes have been bad since her head was 'hurt'.

    I dont know, but I suspect she needs to see a specialist. I would agree.

    She has enough problems with 'sense' without that one failing.

    I dont think she will ever permanently return to the UK - but i would be very happy about it. None of us ever know whats arouns the corner do we. Mums only 20 years older than me so we share a lot of interests and morals in life. Its very odd how our lives have been so similar so far - both broken backs whilst in 40's both with head injuries. I hope i dont offend anyone by saying we just laugh about it sometimes.

    I asked her why she hadnt been on Headway for a while - its partly because of her sight, partly as her hands dont do what she tells them. But Headway also wouldny accept her password for the first time and it threw her a little. One of my other sisters has just been over to see her and has sorted that for her.

    I have noticed that with me with the forum - if i havent been on for say a couple of weeks it wont accept mine.

    I thought i would give you a frog update:

    Well, there must be a march of frogs somewhere because they are arriving - some off in the wrong direction. My husband stopped his taxi outside the house last night and popped up with a frog (with its hands over its eyes as they do) about to go under the wheel. (Plop straight into our pond).

    This afternoon a neighbor standing frog in hand - 'the cat keeps bringing it back in'.... plop into our pond.

    He puts nets on the pond in winter to stop leafs going in - i pester him to take them off as 'frog time' gets near. Poor little things bounce off the nets like a trampoline trying to get in.

    We are getting so well known for frogs around here another neighbour excelled themselves last year and knocked on the door and asked my husband 'is this one of yours' as he showed him another poor little one with its hands over it eyes. How would my husband ever know if it was from his pond ? It was welcome anyway.

    My little sister has an ancient pond, huge. It must be 40/50 years old (maybe lot older). Its got frogs and toads which i thought didnt happen ? Theres also newts.

    As far as the 'Fluent Japanese' is concerned - i havent tried to do any work for a few days. Worried about it as i know i will probably loose my job shortly - just havent been able to do what they are asking. I have my OT visit on 13th March and will chat to him about how i am going to deal with that. He has been really good supporting me so i could give it my best shot. Thats all you can do isnt it.

    Anyway - will stop hogging the paper here and ask how your frogs are ?

    Kindest regards

    Jules

    x

  • It's nice having a smaller age gap with your kids. My mum was mid thirties when she had me so we were often on very different wave lengths ; she was a real old fashioned mum and I adored her.

    But there's just a 22 year difference for me and my daughter so, like you and Val, we have the same values and ideals.............and dark sense of humour ! We've been out at the park this afternoon with my grandson playing footie so all returned pretty muddy !

    I'm sorry you're in danger of losing your job Jules but, perhaps as your life seems to be entering a new phase, a different career path will follow ?

    And I'm sure you're excited about your mum's visit ; she's so very proud of you isn't she................such a lovely, warm hearted lady (now we know where you get it from)

    ...........and the frogs ! ......... They're fine. But I don't disturb them. I think they come looking for food under my rockery stones, although I believe they belong to a colony in a pond on the allotments next door.

    We had a little taste of Spring today didn't we ; the daffodils and crocuses in the park are just stunning...............it's my favourite time of year.

    Have a lovely evening missus ! Love Cat xx

  • Thank you for such a direct account of your experience. - It gives me courage to think I too may talk about what happened to me-- though my trauma began with 2 interpersonal sorts.- Maybe I imagine it's too gruesome for people to stomach. But then, to me it is. I can't help it being what it was. Not a single person has stood by me. I think that I also imagine I'll be "punished" as I had been ( and not to mention with the 1st most important figure in my life) - and the 2nd interpersonal trauma. --I'm "stopped up" now..but, thank you.

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