Didn't want to come on here tonight if the forum was already discussing something - it looks quiet at the moment.
I need to 'write down' what has happened this afternoon. Hoping someone cant iron out my head.
I went into work this afternoon (as you know i work part time from home) as i needed some inks for my printer. It was to print off some of the leaflets for work that have been so difficult for me to work on - so frustrating.
Where i work usually needs things like unwanted new gifts and bric a brac (so they can sell and make money from them). I have been putting together a huge box of things still in wrappers and a white leather and suede huge circular cushion i have just finished making. I am not good at quantities/sizes, so made it too big to use in the house - but its 'sell-able'.
E-mails back and forward and i was told i should pick the inks up over the weekend.
So its Sunday today, my husband loaded the car and we set off to work, to unload the goodies and collect inks.
The journey to work is painful for me because we pass 2 of the 4 addresses i had to stay at after the crash, because he threw me out. I call one of them 'Banished' for obvious reasons.
Pulling up at work is also painful - the lock i always used to tether my motorcycle to outside the offices has been laying on the ground since the crash. Nobody in 6 years has mentioned it nor moved it - they sweep leaves up around it.
So, anyway - got to work and my sister( who lives there on site) was pulling away. She saw us and pulled alongside, gave me a cuddle and went on her merry way to the shops, having just finished work.
So up to then everything was as it has been.
My husband started to unload the car and i went and put key in lock of the offices front door.
The locks have been changed. I am stunned - have i already lost my job and i dont know it ? (still am). I look down and notice my motorcycle lock is gone (after 6 years, its gone now).
I am feeling shaky and numb because i cant enter the office i work for - i still have my room inside, and its a place i worked at and lived in the flat above for maybe 23/24 years (cant remember exactly).
I tell my husband and we ring my sister and she agrees to put the box of goodies in her car and take them to work tomorrow when she gets back from the shops.
We get in the car and drive back past 'Banished' and the other place and head home. I felt like i wanted to jump out of the window of the car. Just too much pain.
I wouldn't you know - but my brain isn't right tonight.
On the way home my sister called me on the mobile - she ha picked up the box like we had asked but was screaming at me why i had put her Christmas present in the box of bric a brac ..... on and on and on. I hung up.
I didn't do it deliberately and it was only a coffee mug. My sister knew i was already in tears about my key and everything else. I couldn't find room in my brain to explain to her. I just hung up. I couldn't take the stress coming from her.
When we got home my husband said he was sending her a text saying sorry about doing that with her gift. I blew up.
I dont know where i am with this now - i dont know if my brain is exaggerating how bad things are or if this evening has been bad.
Can someone talk some sense to me.
Sorry my post is huge -
Kind regards
Jules
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Julesgettingthere
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I closed the blinds in the sitting room and caught a reflection of the person doing it . What i state that person is in. Lanky graying hair (which i am loosing), sticky out, curved spine that is clearly seen through the t shirt i am wearing and frumpy body.
I dont know who that is. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and the face was sour looking, old and sour.
When did this all happen - how could such a big change happen without it being gradual.
I am so frightened - i know i have 'forgotten' a big chunk of my life. My brain will is spinning because i cant turn it back. I dont feel like i am here.
Get something nice to eat and drink, cup of tea and a chocolate snack would be my choice and go sit somewhere on your own for a bit. Listen to something calm or stay silent- just take your mind off the day as it sounds really stressful!!! I have had days like that when I cannot calm down and it's like a chain of BAD events. Get an early night- things will be better tomorrow
Yes don't think about the day. People don't understand and maybe you felt it was worse than what it was. Just speaking from my own experience!
Definitely go to Headway. They are so understanding and will definitely help you get back to work, maybe with some courses to relearn stuff. I'll tell you more about that after I go on Thursday as I can't remember what it's called- I'll have to write it down
And Headway will help you get whatever help you need! Even talking to someone about it. I have seen so many psychotherapists etc that now I just need to find my way back into working in the real world.
Oh Jules I know its hard and I don't think any of us should be allowed near a mirror, we tend to see pain and don't recognise ourselves. Well you are here you survived, it doesn't always feel like there are any pluses, but there will be even if its small ones.
Hi Jules I think your brain has had a real shake up today, so many painful memories on your drive to work. Then what I would call a grief moment when you saw work and the place where you parked your car. But then a rejection feeling when the locks are changed. It would be a feeling of they've moved on and you didn't know it. As for your sister and your husband I'm sorry but they're bloody clueless and dispassionate. They of all people are your family and should be more than aware and should support you and reassure you. Not have a go at you or apologise for you, it was a mug yes a gift but its not like you've thought I'm going to get rid of this to annoy my sister. Don't beat yourself up, its easy to do that, and lets face a lot of people will happily let you do that. What should of happened was reassure from your husband on the drive down, and the distress you felt over the key change. Then your sister should have said its a mistake I know you might not have realised. Don't let it stress you please.
This might take a while but let me start by saying a big well done to you for having something ready to print.
Bear in mind that your last counselling session is still very fresh and your emotional reactions might be hyperactive while you integrate your new knowledge.
It is just possible that the lock for the bike was moved quite a while ago and you registered it this time.
Don't worry about the key. More than likely everyone concerned will think that someone else has told you about it or given you a new key. You are working from home.
When we get wound up we can't think or communicate clearly.
As for your sister I can't help with that one other than to say we have no way of knowing what was happening in her life to make her feel so fragile about a mug.
Jules, please think carefully about today. It's possible that, apart from your sister's reaction, the other events had nothing to do with you.
The lock: As Random has said, it could have been removed a while ago & you only noticed it today.
The key: Surely this is something which was overlooked as you usually work from home and wouldn't normally need a key.
The memorable places: It's part of your ongoing therapy to think through past events/places/memories and face them head-on. 'Til then you will encounter associations you can't deal with........................and they needs to be shelved/kept aside until you're ready to take them on.
The Mug : This is an embarrassment, nothing more ; your sister will get over it and, hopefully, not buy you any more gifts you don't need.
You've taken MANY steps forward recently Jules ; this is one of those inevitable backward ones but, from where I'm standing, you've come a hell of a long way in a short time, and no one said it was going to be easy !
You're sensitised from therapy so everything seems raw, but you're Julesgettingthere and you can do whatever you set your mind to.
Try not to stay up too late ruminating about today ; that's the way to reinforce a setback ! If you can't settle, play some favourite music though your headphones and try to rest. Night-night m'dear. See you tomorrow. xxx
Hi Jules, I'm justbaboutbto go to bed, I'll send you a message in the next couple of days that will hopefully make you laugh because I've been in a very similar situation this week.......we must be living parallel lives take care, hope you're feeling a bit better now.
nite nite Elanor - look forward to the story of parallel lives
x
Hi Jules, Sorry I wasn't around yesterday when you were having such a rough time. I do hope that today you are feeling much more positive.
I do think there is an innocent explanation for the problems you found. I am sure that whoever arranged to change the locks (and there may have been a very good reason for them doing it - maybe someone had their keys stolen or something like that) would be devastated to realise how much pain they had caused you. In the rush to change the locks they may have completely overlooked the fact that you sometimes need to get in the door.
As for your sister - we've all been there haven't we. Someone does something to us that we feel is meant as a personal assault but actually it is a simple oversight. Just apologise and it will soon be forgotten.
You are a great person and I am sure that no-one would intentionally want to cause you any upset. Just remember that those of us without a bi are also pretty hopeless at getting it right sometimes.
Have a restful day today and hope tomorrow brings you peace of mind.
Hi Jules, how are you feeling today? Sorry i didn't see your post yesterday. I can try and understand how it was for you, there was no-one acknowledging your feelings. Sounded like such an emotional day for you, it's so tough isn't it... would be sooo much easier if our friends and family try to empathize. Big hugs and i hope today is better, although i imagine your feeling tired today xx
Yes, my headache all day wobbly on feet so tired. Spending the day plodding.
I think my brain gets to a certain stage where it cant accept any more stress, goes into a meltdown and nothing seems real. Dont want to go through that again.
Thank you so very much for responding - you and the others are what keep me going and in the right direction.
I hope today has been better. I have a brother who is like that about presents, if I get rid of anything he has bought, I never hear the end of it. Families!!!!
Haha, no, but he's always on the lookout. We downsized a few years ago and I got rid of the picture he'd bought, it was ages before I heard the end of that one. I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your sister, but I tend to keep my brother at arms length nowadays. He's had his problems too, but I can't always cope with him.
Take care, from the posts I read, I think you probably do better than you give yourself credit for, but I certainly don't under estimate how tough it is. Too tough sometimes.
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xx
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