a bit weird

Hi Jules here, anyone awake ?

I have been long looking for an answer as to why inside I feel 'absent' sometimes like an imposter in this body - I know its not unusual after a head injury, but its a lonely frightening place sometimes and this afternoon I felt it quite strongly.

It makes me reflect on what I actually am as a human, about religion, departing the earth and my soul.

I know its a bit 'out there' and weird (and I used to be a sensible person) but I have looked a little at 'souls that feel separated from life' and reincarnation came up.

To my surprise some of it had meaning to me, some of it was very off the wall, but still I wondered if anyone had any knowledge of the subject or any views ?

(would help me sleep if someone had the answer !)

Kindest regards

Jules

x

30 Replies

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  • Hi Jules,

    I completely understand how you feel and what you are talking about. I have had many conversations with my wife, councillor, friends, Christian friends about my soul and God and all sorts of issues like this. As a recovering alcoholic I follow a 12 step program and it teaches you to have a God of your understanding and to follow a spiritual path which I have been doing for just under 3 years. Its a fantastic existence for me and I'm now realising to that there more to life than just working to pay bills and live. For me to stop drinking was a damb miracle and theres is no way I could have done this with will power alone because I have tried and stayed dry for 3 years then drank again. It was done with a God of my understanding and a spiritual guide.

    You say that you used to be a sensible person and looking at these issues is weird for you I don't believe your weird and that searching for your soul and looking into this makes you insensible if thats the right word. Let me give you an example:

    My accident involved me coming off my Moto Cross bike at speed and hitting the back of my head causing my brain to make contact with the front of my scull and cause bleeding. I was out cold for 4.8 minutes now what was my soul doing in that time? I can tell you it was fighting for me to come back to life and not leave the earth so my kids could still have a father and my wife to have a husband. If you had told me this or suggested this to me before my bi I wouldn't have really excepted it but I would have listened. I love the fact that we all have souls and that they are guiding us through this life. Im not a religious person but do have an understanding and a belief about this and its a work in progress as I'm learning more and more about it daly.

    Hope your asleep now and you soul is gaining more knowledge for you to read today.

    God Bless. Nick Xx

  • Hi Jules, I too have come to your post later than you would have liked.

    You are not weird at all, I have always had thoughts and my own interpretation of spirituality, I can also be very fatalistic and think that there's nothing else out there for us, I see all sides.

    But living as we do with our health issues, and most of us have brushed very closely with death, it is bound to make us question life in general.

    As to a soul? There must be many interpretations, I have posted on here that I could not look in a mirror for a long time afterwards, I wasn't behind my eyes. It was like looking at a shell of me, the physical body was there but not the essence of me.

    That has taken a long time to return, now was that my soul? It's what made me, me. It incorporated my personality, tenacity, all sorts of things.

    While I wasn't behind my eyes, I was still there hovering so to speak. My personality and tenacity etc helped push me forward through the recovery, dogged determination whatever. And it's what pushes me forward still.

    Beliefs like this are religions in a sense, spirituality is a wide and complex one, whwtwver name you give it if it helps you cope and deal with issues you are facing then, use it.

    Continue to think these things through, grasp them and mull them over it shows the extent to which your brain is still functioning, trying to make sense of its surrounding. It's all part of dealing with life. Ads BI survivors we have to learn to live with an altered life path that will make us question a lot of things we once took for granted. But, run with those thoughts, even research to help expand them. It can only help, you may not get answers but it's very enjoyable to explore issues such as these.

    Take care Love Janet x

  • Hi Jules,

    You are not weird at all. What you are feeling, I have been struggling with since my brain haemorrhage of '06. I live in my head trying to make sense of whom I am but get no answer as I view my life as if I am a spectator. As if I am not part of this world. It's like watching a movie. Yesterday, I went to an outdoor café with my fury kid as it was a nice sunny day. The passing parade of people made my head spin. It is like life is on fast forward when I am out in the community. I returned home feeling miserable and found myself weeping for this alien life, that overwhelms me. I tell myself that the feeling will pass and it does until the next time. And so it goes....

    To answer your question, your are not alone and I often wake up in the middle of the night and go over and over something silly that may have happened many years ago that doesn't matter any more. Living with my brain injury feels like I am detached from life. And I do believe that I have a hole in my soul because I feel like something is missing. So yeh, you definitely make sense... Claire xx

  • Speaking of religion, after life etc. I find my spirituality when being amongst nature and watching wildlife animals especially birds. Then I smile.

    Be kind to yourself Jules xx

  • Hi Clara, you are living my life! I guess we are doing that for one another aren't we?

    I find it so hard to articulate just what I am feeling at times, but you have done it so succinctly for me, thank you.

    Each day is a replay of the previous one but I wake every day in the hope that this will be the one when I return to me! And human nature being what it is I expect to continue doing that ad infinitum, meanwhile I will continue to search for the ways to improve my lot.

    Happy walked, he is beautiful and must be such a joy.

    Janet x

  • Hi Janet, it is so difficult for me to connect with people and life in general, these days. After three psychologists and a psychiatrist (along the same lines of.. three weddings and a funeral) I decided that they did not really understand the chaos in my head. And have learned to accept me, just the way I am and know how to be kind to me. Yesterday was bit of a s..t day. To cope with those unwelcome emotions, I remind myself that tomorrow is another day. So today, after I had an enjoyable walk with Artie, I did gardening in my backyard whilst soaking up the glorious sunshine.

    Like you say.... we do hope for the best with each new day. Yep, somehow is seems to be stuck on replay. I have made peace with it by relinquishing all my previous unrealistic expecations. Isn't it bizarre that our lives on opposite sides of the plant, are running parallel! xx

  • Permanent Groundhog Day, although I never watched that film all the way through.

    J x

  • Hi Janet

    can you remind me what that film was about ?

    Jules

    x

  • It's about a guy who lives the same day over and over again, cos I've never watched it all I don't know why or how it ends but when the same thing happens more than once it's likened to Groundhog Day .x

  • Is it the one that thinks hes a psychiatrist but ends up he is actually the patient ? I have been trying to remember the name of that film (if not do you know which film i am on about an what its called ?)

    Jules

  • Jules, I'm the wrong one to ask about films, I could never remember plots and names or the actors that were in them before I had the BI, so now there's no chance. This film was actually called Groundhog Day and Bill Murray was the star. That's it as far as recollection goes, sorry xx

  • The out of body experience as they call it is real, believe it or not. This could be what's happening. It's diff in anyone but as I called it when it happened to me was my brain left my body. It seperats itself when stress or thoughts are too much to handle. It's a very weird thing that happens and makes you think things that you normally wouldn't. I don't know ob but it could be that sort of thing. Did you tell walkergate about this. They have people who can help. Xx

  • Not So Weird

    Thank you Nik, Janet Clara and Candy - very very comforting (and what a surprise to me) that EVERYONE seems to have had the same experience during and post head injury. I didn't expect that. I know we all talk about the daily struggles we have and how we all deal with them in similar ways, but this is different.

    I had another session at walkergate hospital yesterday, but haven't been able to talk about this. Maybe you lot have given me the courage to, thank you.

    I will let you know (good or bad)

    Kind regards

    Jules

    x

    PS: my eyes eventually glued shut around 5 or 6am. So 3 hours last night, thats rubbish isnt it.

  • Hi Jules,

    I'm also having a 3/4 hours a night phase (which isn't he,ping the crying during the waking hours) . I also have had severe brain shake this last week or so, with all sorts of symptoms exacerbated . In the night - remember you're not alone :) I'm trying to not stimulate my eyes/brain by looking at my phone or tablet (although I occasionally give in out of sheer frustration and isolation). So I've been listening to epidoes of Sorry I haven't a clue ive downloaded from radio four. It makes me laugh & forget the bad thoughts / emotions.

    I totally relate to all the replies to your post. Since my bi I haven't recognised myself. I know who it is in the mirror and I know now that this is where I live and that everyone is who they are, but I'm also feeling feelings of 'I'm not supposed to be here'. You're definitely not weird. I sure there's a reason for it. :) The world feels to me - much as you describe - like a movie. Maybe that's not such a bad thing ? x

  • Hello Elanore

    Movie ? Yep that sounds quite a nice idea.

    Hope you are asleep by now. If not I am around for a chat if your up to it

    Jules

    x

  • Hi Jules :) yes I still here.....just heading for bed now to try a bit of that lying down thing. Might even try closing my eyes after the whirley bed feeling stops :) Then I might try sticking one leg out from under the duvet to regulate the heat setting, and if all that fails, I'll try plumping the pillows a few times for a bit of light entertainment. What's your plan for tonight? Xx

  • plan was to drift off to land of nod - still awake. kitten by my hand as i type this never sleeps so i will be kept busy with throwing cat toys and messing the house up with cat nip.

    nite nite

    Jules

    x

  • Hi Jules, well I hope you had a good night.......cat exercising and all. I managed a few short spells interspersed with radio downloads, but gave up trying to 'get back' at about 5.50 with a demanding baby bird outside the window cheeping for England. I'm worn out again now as technically it's past lunchtime for me now (and I suspect, for you too? :) ) Have a good rest if the day and I'm sure I'll see you in the early hours at some point :) xx

  • Hello there Elenor,

    No, no sleep. Kittens happy thou !

    I dont even want to do any 'projects' today, which is odd for me.

    Husbands got the dog on the beach with the frizby so I am spending the day just rootling through stuff (no idea what i am looking for, its almost like a treasure hunt - stupid isnt it at my age). Hes probably gone to beach to get some peace !

    Yes, i probably will be around later - you are around quite often too i know. Oh well, at least i have good company.

    Hope your enjoying your day. Here in Newcastle its sunny but extremely windy (gale force maybe at time). Makes you feel alive.

    Regards

    Jules

    x

  • Jules, I almost feel like I've become a member of a different species since the BI. It's not at all religious but a very, very spiritual existence I'm now living.

    I believe its why I don't relate to most people any more and have to polish up my acting skills before I leave the house. I feel like an imposter too, but among others, not within myself.

    My religion is in nature and I can wander for hours through the fields and woodland literally feeling 'At One' with the peaceful surroundings.

    I have a special place which is isolated from the world where (in fantasy-mode) I would live in seclusion. It's a place where I don't feel at all odd or out of place.....................and it often makes me feel sad that life isn't like this.

    You're a lovely, thoughtful lady Jules. if I were you I wouldn't change a thing ! xxx :-/

  • Hi Cat, Jules here

    What an absolutely beautiful thing to think and say.

    Wow.

    I find peace with nature too. My other place is swimming (in a fashion), i dont swim much but i do float with my belly to the sky and my ears under the water. the sound and feeling release me from this life for a short time.

    I wonder if we all have a 'safe' place ?

    have a brill day Cat

    Kind regards

    jules

    x

  • Oh I wish I could swim Jules ; it must be a great feeling.

    I took my grandson for lessons over a period of 18 months and it was lovely so see him progress from a very scared beginner to a 7 year old who scared the instructor half to death with his daredevil antics.

    I even took private lessons myself some years ago which ended with my teacher telling me 'I don't know what else we can try '.

    Have a lovely weekend m'dear ! xx

  • I'm not religious but a few months after my accident I found myself compelled to find out more about shamanism and went on a few courses. I found it an amazing escape and unfortunately due to my fatigue at the time didn't peruse it further, but I think I will in the future. I found it amazing.

    Sue x

  • Hello Suemoff

    I had a look on google at it - seems very connected to nature and that has to be a good thing.

    If i get a good day with a clearer head i might look further at the 'self-heal' sections.

    Thank you for telling me about it

    Jules x

  • As many have already pointed out, such experiences are quite normal following brain injury! There is no need to be afraid or question it too closely! Best to 'go with the flow' and consider questions that arise. If you can do this with family and friends so much the better as laughter is the best medicine and however fundamental the issue humans always see the humorous side.

    Perhaps this occurs because of the 're-jigging' of one's whole existence following a TBI. I think that Occam's Razor would point unequivocally to the trauma as the trigger...

    I would add the feeling that 'happy pills' (anti-depressants) give which is a distancing/cushioning and, at higher doses, deadening of emotions which similarly has to be recognised and worked with (mindfulness it THE technique to use here). Apologies if that sentence became rater convoluted!

    It has occurred to me that our brains are so good at spotting and expecting 'normal' in everyday life that one thing they are desperate to do after a major upheaval is to spot and establish a new norm. This is quite understandable but perhaps it is wise to tone it down a bit as one does not want one's OTT, cringeworthy episode to be forever remembered...

    Some of the best advice that I received was 'Cut yourself some slack'.

  • Hi, I've not watched this for a long time but think she has says something about 'stepping into the right side brain and touching the universe'...

    ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_ta...

  • I feel like an alien, honestly. There's so much mimicry and role-playing I have to do to pass for human. It feels rather manipulative at times - like I'm pressing people's buttons. But it's a survival strategy.

    I'm not religious, but I did have the equivalent of a crisis of faith. Faith in myself - my reason and abilities. That's pretty much gone. (Several therapists thought their role was to build it up again, which was a stupid idea. If my reasoning processes are scrambled, what's the point of believing that they work?) There's definitely something weird about these brain gremlins. They knock your sense of reality off its axis.

    Lia

  • Hi Nightbird, you are right.... our sense of self disappears the day our brains are damaged. The fragility of our being is exposed and it is frightening. It takes courage to explore what's going on in our heads. I have learned that counsellors, family, friends etc do not have a clue as they do not have the lived experience. Text book learning is only one dimensional, so they cannot possibly understand what's going on. I stopped going to psychologists because I ended up feeling more confused!... take care xx

  • Similar experiences here. Psychologists were worse than useless - they kept trying to convince me my subconscious was creating my symptoms. I dropped out because I was sick of their rubbish. Now I'm writing a book about the whole messed-up saga. Writing and talking (to people who *listen*) has been more helpful than a lifetime of therapy would be.

  • Hi,

    Some quotes from the Jill Bolte Taylor book - My Stroke of Insight - might make you feel better about feeling "weird"!

    She's a neuroanatomist at Harvard - had a stroke - but many of the things she talks about could be experienced by those with other brain injuries.

    _____________________________________________________________________________________

    My consciousness shifted with the perception that I was at one with the universe.

    I could no longer discern between the physical boundaries of where I began and where I ended, sensed the composition of my being as that of a fluid rather than that of a solid.

    I wondered how I could have spent so many years in this body, in this form of life, and never really understood that I was just visiting here.

    My entire self concept shifted as I no longer perceived myself as a single, a solid, an entity with boundaries that separated my from the entities around me. I understood that at the most elementary level, I am a fluid. Everything around us, about us, among us, within us, and between us is made up of atoms and molecules vibrating in space.

    For many of us, thinking about ourselves as fluid, or with souls as big as the universe connected to the energy flow of all that is, slips us out beyond our comfort zone.

    As the language centres in my left hemisphere grew increasingly silent and I became detached from the memories of my life, I was comforted by an expanding sense of grace.

    And here, deep within the absence of earthly temporality, the boundaries of my earthly body dissolved and I melted into the universe.

    I welcomed the reprieve that the silence brought from the constant chatter that related me to what I now perceived as the insignificant affairs of society.

    I am not supposed to be here anymore! I let go! My energy shifted and the essence of my being escaped. This is not right. I don’t belong here anymore!

    I confess that although I celebrate being a solid again, I really miss perceiving myself as a fluid. I miss the constant reminder that we are all one.

    What price would my right hemisphere consciousness have to pay so I could once again be judged as normal?

    Prior to this experience with stroke, the cells in my left hemisphere had been capable of dominating the cells in my right hemisphere. The judging and analytical character in my left mind dominated my personality.

    Could I retain my newfound sense of connection with the universe in the presence of my left hemisphere’s individuality.

    I love knowing that I am simultaneously, depending on which hemisphere (of the brain) you ask, as big as the universe and yet merely a heap of star dust.

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