Dear Diary

Hello anyone else still awake/cant sleep - Jules here.

Writing in my private diary, that's what its like when I talk to my friends here.

Dear diary, today I saw a photograph of my face, it was taken by my husband for my blue badge renewal. I don't let people take my photo normally and don't use mirrors.

The photo was emailed to me so my computer could print it out for the blue badge.

I had forgotten how it felt the last time I looked at my face. I don't know who this person is. I edited it and superimposed an old ladies wig onto the photograph picture an printed it out on A4 and pinned it to the living room wall (so I can see if I will recognise anything or think the hair is wrong/right.

I don't recognise her, its the scariest thing that happens to me since the head injury. The first time I think I was shocked, now I just bump down to earth, having been reminded my brain is wrong still.

It doesn't matter if everyone is asleep and not on the forum to read this, I just needed to write it down.


33 Replies

  • I'm awake. Jules you gotta get help Hun. This is daft, the way you see yourself. Why do you see yourself so bad. Why ? . Is it just your brain playing tricks or do you have scars, you are not coping either way. Can someone help, anyone. Have u asked for help. Do they not listen to you. Bi effects us all in very diff ways and some need more help than others. You need help , asap. Show them this site and the way you have felt. Honestly it's heartbreaking, people do care. You need to get this sorted. Luv with u Hun xx

  • Hello Candice

    I am having trauma therapy at the neuro centre. Its early days and i am only just starting to talk. He says he thinks i have amnesia going back nearly 20 prior to the crash. I dont think theres much you can do about it.

    I just shoudnt see photographs, then i am not too bad.

    I will be ok, better havin written it down and now spoken to someone.

    How are you ?

    Kind regards



  • I'm fine ish well as fine as can be. Your not ok and the help you getting isn't right for you. It's heartbreaking , I was were u are for a long time but I got amazing help. It's taken her a year but she has got me there. Never thought I would make it. Jules you worry me. You should not be stuck where you are, it's a bad place. I really do send you all my love xx

  • hello

    im not ok you are right. but none of us are really i think, i think we have to just get through what is left. i will be better tomorrow, i always am. no need to worry, honest, its just part of what happens to me.

    nite nite, chat tomorrow if you are up to it and around

    kind regards



  • It's often for you, your in a bad place. We need to get you out of there xx

  • Forgive me Jules, but I don't understand the business with the superimposed wig ?

    I wish I could reach inside that head of yours and smooth away the jagged bits from your troubled thoughts !

    You should know that you're very loved my dear. xxx

  • hi cat

    thnks for replying.

    The hair thing .... my face in the mirror (and in the photo) is of a woman some 20 years older than me and with different shaped eyes and things. I put someone elses hair on top of the photos because the neuro man says its because of my memory loss. I just thought if it is really me, but 20 years older, then if i put an old ladies hair piece on and look then it should make sense if its me in 40 years - but it didnt, it looked like the same person with a strange hair do. Didnt unscramble my brain at all. I will take it down now.



  • Hi Jules,

    I agree with Candy & Cat and I hope you are sound asleep as I am taping away, as it's morning over here. It does not appear to be a good place that you are in. The lack of quality sleep sabotages one's brain over time. This is so complex as only you know what's really going on for you, reading through your previous posts (I hope you don't mind) suggests that the struggle is exhausting for you. Hey Jules, you do know this and you have good insight. You are a smart woman and who seems to be lost and we all relate to that. Gosh, I recently had a dream that I was on a roller coaster and I was a bystander just observing. Yep, I was at a theme park going up and down just like my emotions do, when fatigued. Nigh time is the most vulnerable time for weird thoughts, when one is sleep deprived.

    Please get the help you need as I feel that what you currently getting is simply not meeting your needs. Sorry to be so direct Jules. Take care. xx

  • Love that clara the "The lack of quality sleep sabotages one's brain over time" and didn't I know it...

    Seems to me Jules its a time issue as you need more time to heal and accept whats happened to you. Im no expert though far from it.

    Have a fantastic Wednesday. Nick Xx

  • Hi Nik, Jules here.

    Yes, time. Thats what the neuro man says. I hate it when it gets bad. Feel more 'acceptable' mentally today. I eventually slept around 2 or 3 am up again at 4 am. At least it was undisturbed sleep. Proper sleep.

    You have a good Wednesday too



  • I had near perfect memory until the attack that started my troubles. It took 16 years before medication was sorted. Sleep was the worst of my problems and not being able to get quality sleep for night after night depression set in. I've seen a psychologist and last week gave me some sleeping tablets and another one for depression. My GP wouldn't give me sleeping tablets

  • Hi Davee, Jules here,

    Did you get your memory back at all ?



  • Hi Jules. My memory has returned to a reasonable state although it's still a bit rusty short term. I suppose that makes some people think I'm a bit dim, even being a professor of egyptology. Hope you are getting there, good luck x

  • I get the 'she must be dim' look too. Dont worry.

    I will keep trying to improve my memory.

    Have a good day.



  • On the subject, I am also quite deaf, caused at the same time as I was attacked in 1985. However, the people who take the mick haven't got a clue. They're normally drunks living on the dole or drugs (or both). Who's dim. Thanks for the reply and you too have an excellent day. x

  • Hi Davee

    Yes, I lost some of my hearing in one ear at the accident. It is sods law when you have problems following what you can hear, then you cant hear it properly anyway ! Lost cause really.

    The worst thing is it makes conversation (vocally) in groups hard work sometimes and its difficult to look keen to participate with the group.

    I shake my head to myself everyday when i put on the head phones to exclude all noise to work, but i wear a hearing aid in my right ear ! Mad.

    I spend all of my time at home now, i nearly dont go out. Before i wouldnt get home from work until late. One 'funny' thing that hit me was how many adverts there are on TV about dying. Im not being morbid .... its true. I guess they are targeting the very old and the sick. I dont feel i fit into either. Had you notice it ? Its annoying and must be for anyone stuck at home, young, middle aged or older. Its difficult enough aint it ?

    Kindest regards



  • One thing not mentioned is that of my balance since my cochlear was shattered. To begin with I couldn't walk at all. Now I walk as if drunk. Another downside. It doesn't matter too much I'm not going out today. It's too wet. Hope you're luckier, take care x.

  • Hi Davee

    Mine was something to do with pressure exerted on the ear drum - is that what a cochlear is ?

    I put my 'duck like' walking down to the spine injury, later to the ear, but i think its probably a mix of a few things not helped by hitting my head.

    My hearing aid makes it easier when its really important i listen properly - otherwise i leave it out (thats most of the time as i would rather not listen to some conversations, i am such a hermit these days !)



  • The cochlear was explained as a snail shell with hairs on the inside (nerve endings) and a fluid in the bottom. If you stumble the fluid touches the hairs and they tell the brain to correct your balance. x

  • Yuck ! Sounds horrible.



  • Not too bad. I only said "it looks like a snail shell". It won't eat your lettuces. x

  • Davee

    It was the hair that reminded me of spiders


  • Think more of furry catapillas. x

  • Hello Clara

    Its about 11.50 am here at the moment. I eventually slept.

    The care is from one of the best neuros (so i am told) in the country. The problem is me not being able to talk clearly about certain things, but each week i know we are getting nearer. it is probably that very fact that is giving me these blimps recently, they are worse than before.

    Thanks for caring Clara



  • No worries Jules. It's a relief to know that you are receiving care from a highly regarded neuro. And that you are slowly making gains. Two steps forward, one step backwards. You will arrive at a good place with the supports you have in place. As May West famously said...fasten your seat belts, we're in for a bumpy ride! Now I will bid you a good afternoon and it's good night for me from the side of your world. Xx

  • I was always shocked to see the elderly version of myself in the mirror. Used to think it was a dream of many years in the future. Gradually have managed to get up to date; as my oldest son is 31 I have had to accept that I am the old version. Made myself learn my age, still not keen on the view.

  • how did you/why did you accept it AliCathy. Is your life like it was before it happened now ?



  • Umm life has changed, I went back to work just under a year after the illness, I didn't recognise my work place and found it difficult to remember who was who. I retired on ill health grounds. I have managed to get physically healthy and enjoy the fact that my appetite is back. I actually like eating now! All that makes me content is that my grown up boys are doing splendidly well, so all would have been much grimmer if this had happened whilst they were young. So life could't be more different, hanging out with people is tiring; attempting to remember who and what is tough. My neopsychologist was really helpful, assisting me to relearn and cope with the new me. What I have to be grateful for is that I know what I don't know, therefore I can adjust to cope with it. So life goes on and I try to make it worth living!

  • yes 'know what you dont know, then you know what to deal with'.

    Its getting to that platform isnt it.



  • Hi Jules, I totally get it.

    I understand where you are coming from, with me it's not an amnesia problem, I have just changed facially and I don't like it.

    I have gained 15 kilos in weight and my smile has changed, a bit wonky now. Plus it took ages for me to return behind my eyes, but I see me there now.

    I'm working on the weight issue but until I can increase my physical activity it's just stagnating.

    You will get there, it's a time thing with you, the mirror is just a constant reminder and you're not ready yet.

    My heart goes out to you.

    Love Janet X

  • Hello again Janet,

    Mine is weight loss. I have got a picture of my eyes and enlarged them on the computer screen (have you ever tried it ?) You are supposed to be able to see into someones soul that way. I see my nanna, which doesn't really scare me because she was lovely.

    Sorry for the melt down last night Janet, but thanks for 'grabbing me'.



  • Hi Jules,

    I was awake for most of last night three o'clock I gave up with the radio an tried to go to sleep. I didn't :) . I thought of you......but resisted the temptation to go online as i know the white screen background wakes me right up - but I was there in spirit.

    I do keep looking at myself in the mirror and seeing if I recognise her yet, but I don't. My face has changed as well......a year of now sleep, worry, trauma, upset, injury and all that goes with it has probably taken its toll and I find it quite demosrslisjng. I try to avoid falling into the 'what's the point' trap, but some days it's hard - especially when you're exhausted. I'd agree with Clare, the long term affect of no sleep has a knock on effect.

    Hope you have a better night tonight :) I'm just going to bed again now to see if I can getbsommeshut eye..... Worth a try . Have a good day everyone :) xx

  • Hello Eleanor (said quietly in case your asleep) just Jules here,

    I fell asleep twice last night, 3 hours a piece, so a very good nights sleep for me.

    Yes, i think if you loose a nights sleep now and then your body can adjust, but when its long term it is a very bad thing. Its been nearly 6 years (in October) for me.

    Looking in the mirror : do you know what a huge comfort it is to know that i know someone who I 'know' cant stomach not recognizing the woman in the mirror, saddened by the toll taken on this face over since it happened and has become a zombie with sleep patterns.

    I have been told 'well cant you accept this different person' 'shes not so bad is she'. I just think, its not the point - the point is - the person that was, or that i perceived to be, has gone.

    But thats physically. Mentally, with me rock music starts a small sparkle in me somewhere and i get a sense of 'being'. Old faded blue jeans and my favorite motorcycle T Shirt do the same.

    What gives you a good sense of being Eleanor ?

    Sun is shinny outside and I built a Gargoyle area with wooden tree stumps as seats a while back just under the tree by the pond. I feel peace there, so i'm off for a snooze under the tree now !

    Hope you slept eventually and that it was a deep refreshing sleep.

    Kind regards



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