upset sad angry and alone

hi guys x

I have took all your comments on board x thank you x

but I really don't know were to go from here am so tired of trying to everything myself and trying to deal with scott too ,his moods have become very dark and is making life very hard .I find myself walking on egg shells most of the time my sons have took to there rooms only coming out at meal times and work .I have emailed my local mp about dwp am trying my hardest to keep it all together ,but in truth I just want out ,yes I have spoke to family about things and it has got me no were it just still me and scott ,I thought I may just leave and go stay with my daughter for a while ,but my head just tells me what will happen to scott if I do ? I really don't want to be in my home anymore and sick and tired of a battle all the time I have no one to turn to at all I just wanted to say thank you for being here and listening x just wanted to say welldone for those of you who were strong enough to make it out the other side xx

23 Replies

  • Aww Rose I know exactly how you are feeling I have been there and to be honest still have lots of days like it. You sum it up exactly as I say, it is like walking on egg shells!!!

    My children were only 6 and 9 when Mark had his TBI. My oldest used to run up to his room when his dad was being awful.. My youngest however stood her ground, his Neuropsychologist told me the children were to tell him off when he started on them but my son couldnt, he found going to his room was the easier of the two. I told them it was their daddy's new brain talking. Its a horrible situation to be in you feel you are damned if you do and damned if you dont. My heart goes out to you Rose. Can you not get someone to come and stay for a few days with him while you take time out and see how you are. I would definitely speak to your local MP and re DWP or get appointment with Social Work call today and tell them you cant cope.. and DWP have had a large part in why you are not.

    So sorry you are in such a horrible place just now. Its hard enough trying to deal with what has happened to Scott without all the other hassle.. Marks accident happened 8 years ago and we have had many, many obstacles to overcome and still have. I took a week out with my children had to for their sake took them on holiday and between neighbours and family they made sure Mark was okay.

    Take care of yourself xx

  • Family is one thing I have learnt we have not got we live in a small hamlet and I don't have nothing to do with my nieboughs my choice x so am trapped here with him .I have realised I really don't like the person he has become , I do tell him as do my son's when he is being horrid but we are just meet with swearing shouting abuse and even violence. I do understand that he has changed and why but it don't mean I got to like it .I do not hold any feelings for this man in fact he is horrid what ever happened that day they took my scott and put this horrid man in his place x

  • Yes Scott is a different man, the day my husband had his accident was the day my old husband died. He is also abusive a swears like a trouper he also rants and threatens violence but has never followed the threat through he is nasty to my children that hurts...I hated him/what he had become, that I freely admit.. It is very very very early days for you. I think you have to get help call your doctor cry down the phone tell him you need someone to assess your husband NOW he needs counselling and when he does you will be involved.. Does Scott realise what he is saying/doing.. Note things down that he is doing and read it back to him I am more than sure he will deny it..

    Stay strong x

  • Hi Susan. I just checked your posts adn realized you are in very early days :( this is hard. Please dont think you are not strong and weaker than "we" are. This id not true! You are saying well done to "us" but do you really mean it? If so, please realize you are part of it. You will manage. Do you think "we" dont get ups and downs? It has been a hard month for you, if you need take a break, recharge. But dont think everyone else has it better or easier. Just because "we" can write advises does not mean we are in a different place than you are. We all have been there and still are; for longer or shorter. But it does not really matter. Truth is; we are all on our own, hard but true. But you are not alone in this situation. What exactly is your husbands state? I mean on daily basis? How is he? What he can/cannot do? Would he manage you take few days off? How are you really? You say you are tired, i know exactly how it feels to be exhausted. I sometimes thrown plates to feel better, i shouted through the window i hate everyone and said many times it should not have been me. Is it well done? It is a battle, and there are people here who can share their precious experience with you. Take it. Be angry, but find what gives you strenght. "You dont drown because of being in the water; you drown by staying there". You think im a smart ass? No, i have been where you are and someone told me te same thing. It takes time to process that. But you will get there! Im sure.

    Stay strong.


  • I totally agree with the last post by iwona it's early days. And if you look through my posts i was the same.

    I am only just starting to take time for myself now 16 months on from my hubbys accident. I remember the nurses tell me in hospital. All these relatives will get on with their lives once marks home this will be down to you and you'll find the strength.

    How right she was! It's not easy and every day i never know what his mood will be but life is a roller coaster and im not getting off. It's a lonely life and i yearn for my old hubby but he's gone now and i have to take each day as a bonus. Xx

  • Start a hobby like painting. Something you can pick up and put down. Great outlet for expression. Or spend some time with your head in the photo albums, might help him to remember stuff. Get some conversations going. Manage emotions by diversion. What did you used to do to relax before all this happened?

  • at the moment I carnt afford a hobby x

  • Bird watching doesn't cost anything, neither does collecting sea shells, or yoga, or skipping, or reading, or writing. Diversion from the negative towards something positive keeps things balanced.

    Is your diet providing the nutrients and goodness you need? Look after yourself x

  • lol were am I going to find that I live 5 miles from anywere as said we we live in a little hamlet that don't even have a bus route ? this is tumble weed town at 48 years old do I need to be skipping ? when I have no cartlidge in my kness as for reading I don't have time

  • Ahh I'm sooo sorry things are so bad. Realising the anger is a step forward. It will take lots of time to feel a bit better but you will. It will become easier to deal with and less often. From experience it will never go away but will be easier to deal with. My love is with you, you've taken a massive step forward since your last statement on here. We can help. We are all thinking of you and will help you. You are never alone and don't ever think you are. Each time you break we will help you till it stops and it will stop and if not it will get better and you will cope better. Remember we are here for you xx

  • hi candy x am so glad all you guys are here for me and am sorry to vent but like said I have been through so many bad times in my life and I have fought them all but this is something totally diff yet again was a total bad day for scott he was in pain nasty and dam right awfull to our 2 dogs he keeps wishing he was dead telling me his whole body is tingling from head to toe with a vile headache he shouts why am I like this ? all the time and the other stuff to deal with like pip they rang me today to tell me I got to start all over again with form filling I really did lose it and told them its was discusting and that have have been in contact with my mp and next it will be the papers I go to .today I had this awful feeling that the spirits are calling I know you will find this hard but I will explaine a little about myself since being 7 years old and knowing I was diff from other people so much that my family told me I was a banchee I come from a irish family they put me in care saying I was not normal ,anyway I see hear things that most don't and am told am what they call a empath this is the reason I canot do crowds and mass people ,but that is my curze to bear ,anyway as said today I feel the spirits are calling scott ? I have told them its not time I feel like they are just clinging there ,am sorry if you don't understand me x I try to take time out to vent scream cry shout but with scott being as he is and I carnt leave him I think this is now taking its toll on me I feel my own body is being poisoned am trying to hold it all in but am bursting at the seems now xx I need to vent soon otherwise I feel am going to suffer to sooner or later xx much hugs to you guys for reading all this and I know a lot will not understand what it is like to be a senative souls x but a big thank you to you all for sharing and listening and your kind comments xx

  • Oh Hun, stop apologising. I totally get you, sounds like you've had it hard and can do without this. Look at it as trying you to see if you can cope, you can so prove them wrong. I really feel for you, I do. I'm the bi person but I am told what my family went through. Your husband won't be this angry forever. I was terrible, my boyfriend left and so did my friends and I had nothing. Since then I have made a new friend and we are very close. There is a way forward but neither you or your husband are ready yet, it will come though. Try to remember this. It will take time, sounds really bad for you both at mo but once the complete anger and torment is out you can take a step forward. If you hear things ect pray to the Angels, they will guide, help and look after you, keep asking for there help when you can't cope. We are all here for you. Please please don't let your mind wind you up. Worse thing ever. Each day will get better and better and we can all help you. Trust us xx

  • you know what candy they dead do not worry me it is the living tht hurt you with all the negative comments and the fact there willing ness not to try and understand and the fact you lose all your family and so called friends I am just so isolated now and the having no money to do even the simple things in life are testing I pray to the gods and the godess to help me through this x

  • It must be so hard for you. Keep asking for there help so they can give you strength to cope. It will settle down it really will. He is so angry and anger can only take hold for so long. Same for you. Don't stress yourself out. Keep calling for there help and they will. They can give you strength but only you can get yourself through this. This is the very worse it's going to be. Your in the middle or the storm , the Lightning it going off at the mo but the strength of the storm will die down. Ride it out if you can. If you need to leave do consider this. Everyone left me cause I too was as horrid but looking back I don't blame them. I will never forgive them but I have moved on. People will not like you for leaving at first but you need to be happy , do what you need to do. No one will judge you well not on here. Bi effects us all in diff ways and we are all diff. Take your time, ask for help and if you feel you can't cope with all this do not give yourself a hard time. Those who judge know nothing. Don't let it consume you xx

  • me and scott was always a loving couple we worked and injoyed the time we had together when we got it we would spend night in with wine and a take out x we also had a very active sex life but this has all gone I know it takes time but every night when I go to bed he makes some awfull comments about my body which he would never do before he has even told me to get out my bed couse of my sagging boobs and sagging arse this is very hurtfull he says when did you get like that I did shout at him and say no stop there I have had 8 kids we had to go through our son dying and you dare to say this to me he just says yes but you look like shit now the mind is one thing I have learnt we will never understand x


  • Ouch that's bad, really bad. I know it's common for males that get a bi to talk sexually but please do try to remember that he won't know he's saying this and won't mean it. Saying that I just couldn't cope. Not at all. I understand what you are saying now. Gosh I really don't know the answer I really don't. I should advice to stay and things things will get better, they will but I really can't advise that to you. I just couldn't cope with that, many woman wouldn't be able too. We will stand by you on any decision you make. Just say if anyone says anything , he was too personal and it tore you apart. God help you. Argh this is horrid to hear. Do not apologise before you do, that's why we here. Telling the way it is makes us understand more. See what others say tomorrow but I think it will be similar to me. They don't know what the answer is for you but you MUST save your soul. If you are strong enough to go through it that's great but if it's going to destroy you don't xx

  • I wont do that candy I will stay couse am a fighter but I know I will have to draw the line somwere when our son died it took all out strength to get through it I never thought I will get over it but we did x since then I nearly lost my own life due to blood poisoning after being sterlizied went badly wrong and him having 2 strokes when he was only 38 and my other son being hit by a car and my 15 year old tried to take his own life couse he was bullied for 3 years at chool I just ask how much more can we all take x

  • Gosh you have had it mega hard. You must be strong. Well if you've decided to stay that's fab. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. Call on us whenever you need too xx

  • Hi Rose, chin up chicken you need to find some laughter for yourself. That is cheap and easy for me to say. But I am in the same boat as you and not sure how I am going to cope. My other halfs accident was on 24th June but he is still in hospital because he had multiple fractures as well. You need to vent, I got totally stressed out over people promising to come and help me move some stuff around at home so when they do let him home it will be safe for him, but it really is not important so dont know why i got so het up over it.

    He is having a few anger issues at the moment and the whole hospital experienced his meltdown because he broke his glasses last week, I left the hospital in floods of tears because for some reason his glasses breaking was all my fault and i should have beaten down the door to spec savers to sort it out at 9.00 pm at night. Then the next day he is laughing like a hyena at absolute rubbish. Its just not logical and very difficult. If I tell him things I am trying to do he gets stressed and wants to discharge himself so he can help me. Does not realise that he is the biggest pressure I have. After his meltdown with the glasses I told him straight that I cannot deal with his anger and would not visit if he kept up that behaviour. Tonight they have moved him to another hospital miles away from us but its all to do with funding and our postcode. Not happy but nothing I can do about it, means a 70 mile round trip to visit. Plus I work and have to as he does not get any sick pay so its all down to me to pay the bills and sort everything out. You are not alone....

    It sounds to me like they let your husband home too early and you have next to no back up from NHS. Try going to your doctor and tell them you are not coping and he needs to be put in a neuro rehab facility for a while. Make sure you explain exactly what he is doing and saying and that you need home visits so you can get out of the house. To let him out after a week seems crazy.

    If I lived closer I would pop you round a bottle of sanity (for me its Prosecco). Talk anytime but try to see the funny side of it as often as you can.

  • There is one thing I dont understand. If so many bad things happen why you did nit get help earlier? Why you are not in therapy? It sounds like you all need one. Why you dont take care of yourself? You are saying you are sensitive and "we" will not understand? Is it me or you clearly divide "me" from them? This is not good. I dont beleive change will come if you dont attract it. You seem to only think of how bad eveything is. I dont judge you but i also dont pity you because people has it hard. We have a saying here in poland: you can either be a fly or a bee, one will say world is full of flowers, the other that it is full of shit. You choose. You say you were loving couple with your husband, but it has a month since his accident and you seem to act like everything is over, but then you say you are a fighter? Which one is it? I may sound too straightforward to you and tgats fine. One thing is clear; you need help, maybe meds to calm you down. You have been through a lot in your life but your life is not over so that means something. Please talk to headway, they can recomend professional therapy . You cant change the situation if your mind stays focused on it. Dont be afraid to ask for guidance. As far as i understood the helpline is free.


  • hi iwona you are right

    I have been thinking about things a lot I think I have the wrong mind set am so used to us being hard workers and wanting that life style back ,which I know we may never have again I spoke to my sister on the phone and she said that I need to work with what I got now not what I did have x so today am going to see what happens and work with what we have xx

  • Rose, please contact 'Carerstrust' (regional phone numbers on line). They might be able to offer respite/advice/support 'til the light at the end of the tunnel appears .....................and it will ! Don't continue struggling alone.

    Love Cat x

  • Hi Rose,

    sorry I haven't replied before, I have been away since the weekend. I have experienced exactly the same as you (right down to the rudeness about my body and the fact that everything that happens is my fault and the death of a child).

    Firstly I would say just remove yourself from the situation. When he is being revolting, just walk away, go outside, lock yourself in the bathroom whatever. It will be pointless him shouting and swearing without an audience. When things calm down try to tell him that you will do that each time. You absolutely must get some help. Do get in touch with Adult Social Care and the Community Mental Health team. Tell them EXACTLY how awful things are and impress on them that if you don't get help they will have Scott to look after because you won't be there. Also find out if there is a local group offering transport to doctors, etc. In some towns (not your village, but the largest town) the Lions Club will do it. Then try to get to the doctor, ask for medication to help you over this patch and for counselling - you are entitled to all these things, you just need to find out where to access them in your area. I did all this as I didn't think I could cope but years down the line I am still here (still throwing things and shouting when things are really bad) but it will get better. You won't get back the husband you loved but you may find you can like the new person well enough to start a new, different relationship when his brain stabilizes. I am sorry I don't live near or I'd offer to sit with him while you get some 'me' time but I am a long way from you.

    DO, DO, DO ask for help. It's out there, you just have to access it. One day in the future you will look back on this time and wonder how you coped but for now you need all the help you can get.

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