Feeling upset

Just wanted to share a few things on here that have upset me today. I've read through recent posts and quite a few people have commented about changes in personality after a BI. I really do understand this but it still is upsetting.

I've shared in the past because I've needed to get things off my chest with people who understand.

My son had a SAH 4 years ago and has done amazingly but there are subtle changes in his personality that others probably wouldn't notice.

A few things have happened today that have upset me. He's been quite sharp with me and with one of his children. With his child, he needed to tell him off but it was his manner, such sharp words that I hate to hear and shouting. Then apologising for shouting but going over the same thing all over again.

He seems unable to let go of whatever issue there is at that moment.

I really struggle and hate the put downs and shouting. I struggle keeping quiet. I spoke to him about it but then it just opened up the issue once again and he always thinks he's right.

He can be childlike and have a laugh and a joke and say just how he feels, however inappropriate, but we can't unless he's in the mood.

He can talk throughout a TV programme but we can't.

It's like treading on eggshells. I want peace and quiet not arguments and criticism and hearing things repeated over and over again.

At the moment it's worse because Christmas is stressful, lots to do, expensive etc etc.

It's certainly not like this all the time but when it happens its upsetting.

He can also be so much fun and is a great dad but if something happens he doesn't like you never hear the end of it.

He usually thinks about things later in the day and will apologise if he thinks he should.

Anyway, thanks for listening, not upset now and got it out of my system.

Thank goodness for this forum, no one else would understand xx

19 Replies

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  • Hi Alice. I had my SAH nearly a year ago now and I can definitly refer to your post. I do not believe though it is personality change. In my opinion it is to difficult to deal with the stressful situation in a, lets say, diplomatic manner. I easily get angry, I have absolutely no patience and sometimes I actually expect others to read my mind and to know whats wrong without asking. I know this is the tiredness, the lenght of recovery, all the changes I had to face. I feel sorry for you and Im sorry for people around me. I got married one month after my SAH I felt great, but now I can be really bitchy to my husband, I know I should not and I dont want to be bad to anyone, but it is stronger. What really helps me is when my husband does not pay attention to my behavious when it is bad. I know that it is bad so he does not remind me this. It also makes things easier, because I do not have to go through long conversations each time I shout or get angry. Maybe it could be better idea to talk to the rest of family rather than your husband? Maybe giving a little more patience or just ignoring (or pretending to ignore) bad behaviour could be helpful?

    I hope you all have calm Xmas, after all it is not the most important thing. I decided to skip it this year, no strenght, no energy to be part of that. It was not easy for my family, but they understood. Take care.

  • Thanks for your reply, Iwona.

    I am patient, understanding and supportive, but I have feelings too, usually I'm fine but today I felt upset hence the share.

    Aways good to share with people on here who understand, whether It's the person with the BI or family, I'm fine now...

  • Dear Alice, Im sorry if I sounded harsh, english is not my first language, so I very often struggle to express nicely what I mean. I hope you do not feel touched or even more upset. What I wanted to say is that I understand both sides, the one who suffered BI and the one who has to deal with it. My father had a stroke few months after my SAH, so I know how difficult it is to cope with changes on both sides. I also mostly share when bad happens, probably because people in here are so willing to help and understand, but that does not mean good times are not there. There are!you What I want to say is that I understand and relate to how and your loved one can feel. Have a nice Xmas time, peacfull, calm, and filled with love. Iwona

  • Hi Iwona

    Thank you so much for responding again.

    It is always helpful to hear everyone's opinions and thoughts.

    Sorry to hear about your dad, I hope he's doing well.

    There are so many positives that outweigh the negatives and I must remember to post those too.

    You have a good Christmas xx

  • My dad is doing great! It was a small stroke, however he seems more frustrated and depressed than I could ever imagine. He was always so calm and patience and never heard him swearing. This has changed a bit, he is loosing it sometimes so I know how upseting this can be. Stay strong :)

  • You too, stay in touch xx

  • I, and those around me, have seen a marked personality change since my SAH. Even whilst still in ICU I was behaving in a bolshy way ; quite out of character though I don't remember any of it.

    And four years on, I'm definitely not the person I used to be. But my grievances tend to be about the world in general ; everything rankles, especially social issues which often send me into a rant !

    But I don't ever verbally attack family members or friends although I often find myself exasperated when someone talks too much because my damaged brain is easily panicked by what I call 'droning on' and I start to feel desperate and restless.

    Have you had the chance to explain to your son, quietly & calmly, how deeply you (& maybe your grandchildren) are affected by his temper. Forgive me if I've asked this before, but is there any way he'd consider anger management or CBT ?

    I feel so sorry for what you're having to deal with Alice, and the injustice you must feel ................ all mixed in with the maternal emotions ; such a sad situation.

    Please accept a heartfelt virtual hug. xxx

  • Thanks, Cat, wise words as always.

    Have a peaceful Christmas xx

  • Wow Cat,

    you have hit the nail on the head(not literally)!!!!

    I get so exasperated when people go on and on when I have to repeat myself when they don't listen properly especially at work....

    Then I have my outbursts of ranting saying if people listened and didn't interrupt when I'm talking ,again this is the culture over here not listening and interrupting ....

    Not forgetting when people ask stupid questions instead of using their brains or common sense.

    Don't even get me stated on rudeness and shouting demanding passenegers we have to deal ,my face says it all....lol...

    So little rant over....hahaha and have a Merry Christmas

    Mandy(**,)x

  • In a nut-shell (or possibly the nut-house, I have a few more days of tinsel-tedium to survive...) yes.

    I'm the brain-injured party in our household, and I have some truly horrible impulses, especially when I'm fatigued, which, given the additional stimulus, and emotional strain of Christmas, is very much now. My 17-year-old son has effectively become my babysitter, and tends to stop me 'blurting' with a raised eyebrow, or shout something else, by way of distraction, if I've said something horrible. It's entirely unfair on him, and I know it, I tend to 'leave the room' if I know I'm getting fractious, the husband and I do a fairly good impression of those little wooden dudes on the Swiss clocks, I genuinely can't bear to be in the same room for long, because EVERYTHING he does irritates me.

    Losing my tenuous grip on the socially-acceptable just recently, I spent half of yesterday in bed, because I just couldn't guarantee I'd be able to behave in an acceptable manner. (This is after an utter RAGE at the husband on Tuesday evening, as he kept picking up different bits of fruit, that he doesn't like, wandering about the house, chewing with his mouth open, and talking with fruit in his mouth, before saying "Blergh! No!", and spitting the next bit of fruit in the bin. "No.", he said "This one tastes like aftershave!" "EVERYTHING TASTES OF AFTERSHAVE!" was my none-too-diplomatic response, after I'd been to work, and to the doctor's, and then into town, to buy 'bits' for the boy to unwrap tomorrow morning, and wrapped them, with my vertigo, my disturbed vision, and my ONE WORKING HAND.) See- I'm bloody atrocious.

    (Breathe, girl.)

    For me, Christmas is always difficult, because his family 'do' Christmas, and I've never been particularly comfortable with it. The additional emotional strain this year is making it even harder to keep my fragile ends together. What I'm most looking forward to tomorrow is the couple of hours where the husband will take my beautiful, brilliant boy-child for Christmas lunch at the in-laws, and I can have a hot bath, secure in the knowledge that the husband won't shout me, from the sofa, to ask me where something is...

    All the best to everyone, I do try my very best to keep a lid on my more explosive emotions, I'm mindful, and conscious of the impact I have on others, it's wearing me out, but we haven't had to go to A&E for the husband to have a fork removed from his head, for chewing with his mouth open...

  • Thanks for your replies. I've just written a long response and lost it somehow so here i go again briefly.

    I usually share on here when I'm upset but don't post about the positives so I need to balance things out a bit.

    The positives far outweigh the negatives and I have a son I'm very proud of.

    I forget to share what a great dad he is, he's always there for his children and has never let them down. He is a fun dad and takes that responsibility very seriously.

    This time of year is emotional and hectic and that overload causes the outbursts when too much is going on.

    Yesterday I focussed on the negatives and forgot to mention the positives and fun things we did.

    We do both talk and share and have a good relationship and we're human, disagreements and flare ups will happen but at the end of the day they are always settled and we move on.

    Hope you all have a great Christmas full of love, laughter and peace.

    Cat thanks for all your wise words.

    Take care everyone, ho ho ho xx

  • It's nearly four years since my accident and resulting ABI. My outbursts with my 5yr old are becoming less frequent but my last one (2 weeks ago and the first for many months) was at my mum's house. Very calmly she told me "You're not just scaring N you're scaring me." I felt awful straightaway. Obviously I don't want it to happen and I don't want anybody to be scared of me especially my son and mum.

    His "crime" was ignoring my requests to put his trainers on but on reflection this is what led to my outburst:

    - we were visiting my mum and were due to leave at 2:30pm. She was due out at that time too.

    - my mum asked me to do a few things round the house that had needed doing. I wondered why she hadn't asked my brother who she'd seen earlier after his 2 children had stayed overnight at her house

    - at 2:25 she asked me to book panto tickets online. The theatre's website wouldn't allow me to book the tickets I wanted despite appearing to be available on the website. After 4 attempts I gave up and rang the theatre.

    - whilst I was on the phone my mum took a call on her mobile but followed me as walked away from her conversation. She changed rooms to follow me.

    - it was now past 2:30 and I was due at a party at 3pm and was picking my father-in-law at 4:20pm from the airport. I didn't want to just drop my son off at our friends' house and run straight out to pick up my FIL. I wanted to stay for a while and then leave

    - my mum's phone conversation was great news - my cousin had proposed and his girlfriend had accepted. My mum tried to pass on the good news whilst I was

    listening to a recorded message

    - still waiting on the phone I realised I would have to hang up and told mum there were only a few tickets left for the performance she wanted so she should try later

    - I was worried about time being tight

    - my father-in-law rang to say the flight from Heathrow to Manchester was on time

    - my son still didn't have his trainers on even though I'd asked him 3 times

    I was wrong and I rang my mum to apologise later. I always try and backtrack after an outburst or extended period of exhaustion to see WHY it happened. It does help me to understand and try and work out how I could have done things differently.

    Talk to your son one to one when he's calm.

  • Hi

    Thanks for sharing.

    I can identify with what you've said completely. It's overload when too much is going on and minor things seem major.

    We do talk a lot and recognise what's going on but not always possible to control.

    A new day today.

    Have a great Christmas xx

  • Merry Christmas xx

  • My 3 children were very young when I got my dunt to the head. 8,5,2

    I am ashamed of some of my outbursts. I threatened to pack my bags and leave when my children were all arguing one day. When we got our dog I was handed the lead whenever I was getting overwhelmed or when the rest of the family was aware of rising tension,unless I was showing signs of fatigue and then they would go out with the dog instead, it's kind of like a release valve.

    My children are now almost 21 18 15. My eldest is studying forensic bio-psycology, the next eldest is going thru UCAS to hopefully study music at uni, and my youngest is passing one or two of his 6 courses. He has had the most of a broken mum and it shows. I just want them all to be happy, not perfect specimines, happy and helpful and confident to go their own way.

  • Hi Alice, I had an sah 7 years ago and suffered with all the same issues your son does. It's a cruel irony that we push away the ones we love and expect everyone else to be understanding and compassionate towards ourselves yet are unable to give this to others. i had kids two years ago and was terrified that I wouldn't be able to cope, thankfully I was far enough down the road, and had worked hard to get myself more under control but it is still a struggle sometimes. I could really do with that extra brain capacity at times! I have put together a website about my experiences that hopefully will be of some help to others, it's here if you want to have a look. Www.braininjuryftp.com

    All the best with xmas

  • Thankyou so much, Neil, i will certainly take a look.

    I didn't post on here to criticise my son but because I knew people would understand and identify from both sides.

    So glad you're enjoying being a dad.

    Have a great Christmas

  • Hi Alice,

    I am very early days I know and have found this forum extremely useful and gaining knowledge daily from here about all sorts of problems due to my Bi in May this year. I completely understand where your coming from and I'm having a few difficulties with my children and wife, I have suggested that my wife comes on here as I'm 100 percent sure it would help her. I have to really concentrate on the patience and tolerance bit of my life at the moment as its trying. Im finding I am getting really verbal on stuff that irritates me and I have to keep it in my head instead of thinking allowed, difficult one. There is no filter between my brain and mouth, well there is but I keep turning it off.

    I do find myself arguing with the kids and its just not fare on them and again I have to apply the P&T part again. All this stuff is new to me and I just have to keep on trying. Im sure your son isn't doing it on purpose even though that doesn't make it easier for you but it will pass. I too have been juvenile on certain things and laugh at the most inappropriate things too not to the satisfaction of my family but hay ho.

    I truly hope you have a great day tomorrow and God Bless. N XX

  • Thankyou so much for your reply. That's why I love this forum, people can understand and identify with your feelings which is always a comfort.

    It's made a huge difference to me and my son when I pass on people's comments and similarities. I'm sure it would help your wife too.

    Good for you working on patience and tolerance, certainly not easy especially when you're feeling the opposite to that.

    My son recognises what he's doing but like you has no filter nor an off button.

    He can be really funny too in a totally inappropriate way and then the kids think he's great fun.

    You have a great Christmas too and let's hope you won't need to use too much P&T. Let me know, you take care xx

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