I won't say where in the world I am or was when it happened just yet but I am not a massively independant person and sometimes I want to do things on my own in my own ways...
But I do have to think about my health more sometimes.
You may be confused. Nay worries, I shall explain.
Because of my BI, my walking balance is crap and going uphill is more testing on my balance.
I just walked uphill with some help but at times, I went on my own. That was a bit of my independent, yet stubborn side showing there.
Because of this decision, I just had a major wobble. I didn't completely fall over, which was bloody lucky, but I probably looked like I was trying to attempt a pirouette :).
My parents were quite worried and my mum more I think, she sounded quite upset or frightened that I almost fell. And when she sounds upset or frightened it makes me feel upset or fightened too.
Because I almost fell, cos I tried to walk a slight incline myself, I feel like a right idiot.
I should have thought about the situation more. Saturdays and Sundays are usually the days of rest for me after the weekdays being the busier times for me.
Today I feel tired and I have already done a bit of walking around so after walking a hill as well, I really should have held onto one of my parents and stayed there.
I accept my disability but sometimes part of me doesn't accept all of it? Or maybe forgets my limits at times?
I feel like kicking myself in the head after that dispicable scene but I'm not that flexible and I already have one brain injury, I don't want any more :).
MJ
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Matt2584
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Trouble is Matt, on another weekend you might have managed it just fine. You never can tell till you try. And fear of trying can be even more disabling than the disability itself, if you let it.
So don't beat yourself up too much. You didn't go over, just nearly. I do that a lot, if I turn too quickly, or if I am up high, or trying to go quickly, or trying to dodge someone coming the other way. I call them my 'dance steps' - so carry on pirouetting, say I!
On another day I would likely be more less tired as well and be able to have done the walking by myself, I expect.
Snap! Turning to quickly, dodging people and so on.
Also I shall add that standing in one spot to take a picture, that is one to test my balance too.
You have to concentrate on lining the shot but concentrate on standing still too.
I find that if I want to take a picture where I would have to stand on a hill or hump or some other weird bit of terrain, maybe even lumpy grass, this is also testing. I could easily fall down that hill..
i understand,sometimes it is good to push youre limits and try to defy youre disabilties! maybe thats why iam about to do a degree! take care though yeah?
Plus also, being that I was on AN incline, not THE incline, I could have fell and toppled over myself a number of times, I think that was the even scarier thing.
But, the main thing is, that COULD have happened but didn't.
I think 'fear of' is perhaps the worst thing, there are some places where I have to walk on rough stony or lumpy grass areas, the pavement outside my house is so lumpy I walk on the road, and a couple of friends have gardens where its not flat surfaces, no nice flat lawns over here, everything is built on rock, and 4" subsoil if lucky, the grass just grows up between and over the stony bits. It's a bit like cycling through puddles that look smooth only to discover it's water filled potholes!
Fear is most definitely the worst thing. There was a time where I would overthink things and this lead to fear.
For example, I would be going out somewhere for the day and before we even went out I would sit and think about what the terrain would be like, how crowded it would be and so on and if I would really enjoy the day.
Once I had been out for the day, I would then be thinking "Why did I get myself worked up with all that worrying for?". I went out and I enjoyed myself.
Now that I have got over that, my parents, mostly my Dad, would be the worrying person. He would worry if I can handle this and that and it really bugs me sometimes.
I just sometimes think "Well who cares if I can handle it or not and just try it out". Nobody else, even my parents, know what I am capable of.
Hi Matt,I get what you're saying, and no you're not an idiot. Also after a rare night out tonight for me, also understand what you mean about your independence,your parents concerns, especially your mum, so I've just come online tonight to make a new post to support carers), and saw your post.
another head impact, for me wasn't till after a fall backwards, 2 months after haemorrhage Mar 2013, then car accident 6mths after fall, only then the potentially serious consequences dawned on me, and yes many of the more serious of neural effects onBI did really happen after all that, In 2014.
Lke you I,m stubborn, independent and can be hard work to cope with, won't ask for help unless it's essential but over. the last few months, I've accepted my limitations, and yes, physically, still want my life back as it was.....without any more head knocks...
.... its okay to take an offered arm or hand, ask for a lift by car, and to let someone else carry the shopping bags, and like you, with my wobbly walk, bad foot, disorientation on occasion,it's ok to accept help. So through that proffered hand for me or the shopping, I ve learnt it's their kindness and concern for me that Is important, not my wanting to cling to independence, because that help when needed and taken, gives me independence to say yes or no rationally at the time.
Matt you're doing great, no life's not perfect, but you have a fantastic gift and independence through your art, wow I nearly envy you, and the art of envy is not a good gift! If you fall, what then - bang on head, injured hand and no more art, further neural complications?
Independence is also about having choices, and making good ones. I feel confident you'll make the right ones for you now and in the future - bon chance & God bless Shirley xx.
Oopsy ! I am constantly correcting my balance and have lots of 'oopsy' moments !
I never seem to fall though - I seem to have mastered the art of saving myself : )
I can relate to the pushing of abilities - I do a lot of this and either get away with it or frighten myself to death ! Depends a lot on fatigue with me. The backwards flamenco at work if I don't get my stance wide enough after bending to empty a bin is one of my special dance moves !
I have had some worrying moments on steps - on a good day I can do 3 - 4 shallow ones before pausing and pushing off again, on a bad day I would be wise to take one at a time. My left arm tends to windmill about - I think it helps with impetus !
Not sure how you approach slopes but I have to make my gait really wide - this helps with balance and allows me to use other muscles to make up for the lack of push in the ones you would normally use in climbing . Leaning slightly forwards and going very slowly also helps me.
I learned to do stairs without using the railing - I knew I had to master this as the steps on the park leading up to where I work do not have a handrail ! It is a wide legged, stop start, jerky windmill affair but it can be done !
Have you ever or would you consider using a stick sometimes ? I have a fold away one that I still carry if I go walking in the park. I rarely need it but there are many slopes and if I get tired/ my tendons play up or the ground is muddy it is good insurance. It is also useful when my ears flare up and I am susceptible to bouts of vertigo. I had a love/ hate relationship with my stick in early recovery - loved the freedom and independance it gave me ( was too weak and wobbly to walk without it ) but hated how it symbolised my deficits ! I learned to view it as a useful tool and a friend and stopped caring about how it looked to others : )
If you want to practice the art of slopes I would recommend trying out grassy ones, think wide for your gait, you will feel when it is the right width, don't rush and maybe having a portable stick but letting it hover just above the ground as insurance while you climb.
I think we can all misjudge things at times. Don't let this wobble put you off from trying things out though - just practice in a softer, safer environment with a little insurance from a stick friend ! : )
I think quite a few of us have balance problems, but there are differences for my self holding someone's hand etc, means I can't work out what is my movements and the hand trying to help.
Uneven pavements with cambers I find worse than just slopes which I seem to cope fine with.
its about finding or being shown what works for you. I am very great full for the work the Nero physo did for me.
Tee here, angelite yes know about steps, I go more sideways than up! It's the coming down though, I definitely need something to hold on to. Several months ago I tried walking the 'white line' in parking spaces opposite while waiting for taxi to hospital- if the gendarmes had driven past I think they'd have stopped and breathlysed me! I couldn't do it, I always have to look down to make sure I don't walk on stones or in a hole, so that I can try and concentrate better on walking.
Yes , having to look down for your footing a lot of the time on an uneven surface makes you miss the scenery as it goes by to some extent. Since you can't walk on a straight line, I wonder if you are able to balance with feet together and eyes shut ? ( Romberg test )
Hi angelite, I just tried it. 1st I realised my head was still tilting down and I I swayed backwards then to the right, the site of the bleed. If that relevant, When I realised my head was down. I lifted it, opened my eyes for a bit, then shut them and tried again, then I stood upright with eyes over and felt the same - I 'felt' I was swaying, but was I, with no one here to tell me, so I did it in front of a long mirror where I can see myself, I initially still felt as though I was, didn't look as though I was till my toes started lifting upwards and then yes I was swaying backwards a little. What all that tells me though, I dont know! But certainly if my brain is 'trembly ' my walking is wobbly even indoors on flat floor. I'll Search Romberg online,
Hmmm, the Romberg test. I have not heard of this before but just had a brief look on the net.
Sounds interesting. The my balance is worse when my gait is narrower anyway but if I maintain my balance then close my eyes, I will end up losing balance pretty easily.
I kind of picture the decription of my balance like being on a boat on slightly rocky waters.
Once eyes are closed, it seems to get rockier and it feels like I sway more, like rocking back and fouth.
I shall also point out that I normally have a bath at home. We have a shower as well but me folks use it mainly. I can have showers but there are two reasons why I have baths:
1. Because it isn't testing on my balance in any way and I do not have to tread carefully in the fear of slipping.
2. I am known to be a bit unfortunate and whenever I would choose to have a shower, one of the folks would turn on the hot or cold tap downstairs leaving me with either freezing cold water or boiling hot water. Oh yes, it has to happen to me :).
Our shower is not in a cubicle either and is not closed in. So to hold onto walls is limited. I feel more safe showering in a cubicle or closed in shower.
I mentioned, that I tread carefully in the shower and when it comes to washing my face or washing my hair, my eyes would be closed, obviously to avoid soap, and I would have to rely on my balance to hopefully keep me up right.
I sort of feel like I am swaying back and fourth sometimes and I can also feel like I am swaying or falling to my right and end up putting more, possibly unneeded, weight on my left leg meaning my muscles ache in my left calf.
Didn't know the name of it (Romberg test) but it was one of the tests the Nero physo did on me and got me to do exercises to help, which they did enormously!
Tend to sway/unsteady if it's dark though I have keen night sight so normally have just enough light to work with, or I hold on to things.
I sway and can't maintain balance for long, legs together eyes closed.
All I can say is limits don't you just love the constantly shifting goalposts that are our limits? It's one of the things I find most difficult.
The way I cope best is with my timetable and having a little bit of really free time in it. That means time when I am not doing something or recovery resting.
Learning to recognise the danger signs and being willing to look daft can help. It a couple of weeks it will be walking poles out again for me because of the fallen leaves.
You survived this close call and know how it happened so you can take steps to keep your independence and be safe.
Ah, Matt, if we never tested the limits, none of us would ever do anything.
'Help' is a four-letter word for me, I'm horrible when it comes to trying to do EVERYTHING myself, and I quite often suffer for it as a result. I'm learning, slowly, what I can and can't do 'yet', and keep pushing, safely, to see if I can do a little bit more.
Don't get yourself in a tangle, you tried, it didn't work out, the thing is not to stop trying, or we'd all be sitting at home, in our pyjamas, while some poor individual spoon-fed us.
there are days when I wobble, on those days I sway about and speak like Captain Jack sparrow. I find myself hilarious.. If I fall over I just tell people I'm trying to break a bar of toffee in my pocket. If I slur I tell people I'm breaking the teeth in for a Camel.. my wife despairs, which of course makes it even funnier! Laugh it up and move on dude!
On bad days you sound like Jack Sparrow. So you could say things like "If you swing me from this cell, I shall take you to the Black Pearl and your bonnie lass" :).
Do you also say "Savvy" a lot :), kidding.
I love the excuses you use for your mishaps. I agree that it is good to laugh at your mistakes rather than get wound up about them.
I sometimes do that or sometimes I just let the mishap slide by.
I use "alright luv" a lot which really gets up the missus nose. The other day I fell down a hole in the garden that the dog dug, I lay there for five minutes howling like a banshee, eventually the missus comes over and says "get up you bloody drama queen". It does help when you have someone to put perspective on a perceived problem.
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Shirley xx. 
Grading your return.
Feeling a little bit of positiveness 
Strain on relationships after subarachnoid haemorrhage
