It has been a while since I wrote. There were so any bad news the recent weeks, that I dont even know where to start. It is 1 year and 7 months after my surgery for broken hemorhage. I thought I'd be much better but again, Im totally stressed over any little thing. The numbess in my body increased and Im feeling like shaking inside. The doctors keep saying it is ptsd and stress, but how can you know it is only this? Again my heart goes crazy when I get nervous - how can I be sure it is just the nerves and not somehting more serious? How can you explain to yourself you are ok? Again I start to feel crazy, I still cannot control my body, my thoughts, my mind. Im seeing therapist but somehow I got more nervous about the things I telling her. Im always tired. STILL. When does it end? Does it ever end? I know each time Im asking the same questions here, but seriously I feel like a hamster in the wheel - keep going but going nowhere.
My husband managed to see a GP about my case and the doctor seems to be willing to help and is very sure my trauma can be helped and properly treated from 6 to 18 months. But this means I would finelly have to decide to be with my husband in the UK. But now, with this political climate (...) My husband finished renovating the flat he got, so he is only waiting for me to come there. But im totally blocked. Im not sure I can manage the travel, especially with this constant stress. It was not that bad before. I thought it is going better but now Im having nightmares, annoying thoughts that something will go wrong. Im not scared to die, Im scared when I imagine I will never live the live I wanted. How do you cope? Nothing really helpes me. Im trying to distract myself but it does not work. I cant focus on reading, writing or anything else. My hands are shaking when Im writing this post and I feel the anger is coming again. There is more and more of anger. Can this be a good sign?!