It has been a while since I wrote. Last 10 days I found it difficult to even get up from bed. I think this is it - Im becoming depressed. Frustration level is so high that I started to develop suicidal thoughts I never had before. I hate being here in the UK. It is a joke for me.
Yesterday I have been to vstibular clinic where I was reffered by my neurologist in order to get balance improved. The advise I got - literally - use a paper back to breathe and it will be all fine. Seriously?! Do you guys get advises like this or is it just me??I called headway as I needed to feel there is any kind of support system left, the lady was very nice, but after I slept on it I think Im ready to go back home.
This will probably mean to leave my husband I wanted to be with so much, but things are so bad that I think I will die here. Not a great choice, I feel I have to chose: stay here and die, or leave and hope for the best.
I feel I lost so much. Before I left Poland I was going for therapy, rehab and I felt it is going in a good direction. I lost all that. Months and months are passing before I see another crap doctor. Im just giving up on everything. Feel like life crushed me the minute I arrived here. I hate it so much that it hurts. But the worse thing is still ahead - chosing myself over my husband. I thought the broken hemorhage was the worst thing. I sometimes notice that Im imaging how it would be for everyone if I did not make it. Cant help to feel it would have been just all better. I know it sounds bad, but this is where I am.
I dont know how you guys cope with these doctors here, where do you get psychological help from, how you find strenght to carry on?