can it be worse?

It has been a while since I wrote. Last 10 days I found it difficult to even get up from bed. I think this is it - Im becoming depressed. Frustration level is so high that I started to develop suicidal thoughts I never had before. I hate being here in the UK. It is a joke for me.

Yesterday I have been to vstibular clinic where I was reffered by my neurologist in order to get balance improved. The advise I got - literally - use a paper back to breathe and it will be all fine. Seriously?! Do you guys get advises like this or is it just me??I called headway as I needed to feel there is any kind of support system left, the lady was very nice, but after I slept on it I think Im ready to go back home.

This will probably mean to leave my husband I wanted to be with so much, but things are so bad that I think I will die here. Not a great choice, I feel I have to chose: stay here and die, or leave and hope for the best.

I feel I lost so much. Before I left Poland I was going for therapy, rehab and I felt it is going in a good direction. I lost all that. Months and months are passing before I see another crap doctor. Im just giving up on everything. Feel like life crushed me the minute I arrived here. I hate it so much that it hurts. But the worse thing is still ahead - chosing myself over my husband. I thought the broken hemorhage was the worst thing. I sometimes notice that Im imaging how it would be for everyone if I did not make it. Cant help to feel it would have been just all better. I know it sounds bad, but this is where I am.

I dont know how you guys cope with these doctors here, where do you get psychological help from, how you find strenght to carry on?

28 Replies

  • Hi,

    Sorry to hear about your issues, our NHS system can be frustrating.

    Have you spoken to your husband about him going back to PL with you? rather than splitting or spent 6 months in PL and 6 months here

    There are sometimes you have to be selfish, I had to choice myself over my boyfriend of 9 years and had to walk away because he wasn't listening to me and now a year and half on he still wants contact with me.

    have you considered if you moved back to PL it might not be better (Im just guessing here so don't take this as gospel)

    You are free to come here and air your thoughts, there are lots of help if you get suicidal thoughts

    Im sorry I cant provide more help xx

  • Sorry to hear you feel you have to leave, it mustn't be an easy decision. If you feel depressed then you probably are, I read a lot of posts and you get to know the people from the way they write whether they could be depressed. I hope you get help for your mood before you make any big decisions as it's well known depression can interfere with your thought process making you more irrational.

    The NHS is great for acute care and poor for people with long-term conditions, unfortunately as it's paid for by the taxpayer, it means tough decisions are made regarding care. It means longer waiting times and shorter consultations, I agree the quality of care for neurological disorders/mental health is sub-standard.

  • What do you hate so much about the UK? Maybe if you can decide what it is that you really don't like, there may be some changes you can both make to make it easier for you. I know this country isn't wonderful but there are some very good parts too.

    Yes, our Health Service can be awful. The advice about breathing into a paper bag means that the doctor thinks you are having panic attacks. What does your husband think about all this? Would he come back to Poland with you?

    I don't want to seem rude or to upset you, but do you think you are glorifying your life in Poland and if you go back you might not find it quite a wonderful as you remember. I may be wrong - how about going back for a month to see how you feel, how much you miss your husband, if there is anything you miss about your life in the UK.

    Can you afford to go for counselling for a couple of sessions to talk it through with someone? There is a long waiting list for free counselling so you'd have to pay but it might be worth it, just to get things sorted in your mind.

    Whatever you decide, good luck. Hope it goes well for you.


  • Im lonely here Jan. There is a differene living close to forest where you can enjoy peace and living in small, dirty town in which you have to remind yourself that this is sill Europe.We live in town centre, it is not bad, but absolutely everywhere you have to go by car, this is really tiring for me. If I want to walk, I have to first drive to a park, I know it may sound normal for you, but it is an absurd for me. And I know this sounds like complaining. Probably it is too, but also I am just extremely tired but that, by being in the car all the time, by the terrible traffic jam everywhere we go. I thought small town would be better than a big cities I used to live, but this is terrible change for me. All those vibrations coming from cars, day and night, just hurt my ears. I think this is the reason for my fatigue.

    My husband got a flat here so that is why for now we are here. I dont want to be the one who makes the decision of leaving so Im actually hoping we would be told to leave. I know this sounds crazy, maybe it is.

    I also feel that if something happens to me here I will get absolutely no help, everyone is so polite and nice, but the truth is no one gives a rats ass about anyone. I would like to see the good sides, really, it would help me, but I think I prefer harsh service which actually provides results than nice smiley faces telling you politely to breathe into paper bag.

    That is true, I do have panic attacks, but because I have them I know when it happens. And it does not happen when I walk. The balance is the issue then, not panicking.

    I am not glorifying anything about poland or my life there. I know after my surgery I had a choice between living with my parents or living with my husband-I probably hate this choice too. And I hate I use word "hate" all over again. I hate of who I am becoming here, I am so negative and dissaponting myself everyday. I just dnt know how to stop the circle.

  • iwona hello buy yourself a pair of industrial rubber ear plugs, i wear them to bed at night, its about £1 for 10.

    do you go to a headways group.

    i think youre getting yourself stressed out and therefore have 2 options

    1 return to poland

    2 learn to meditate, which is relaxing and benefits both you and your husband and saves the cost of a flight back to poland.

  • Iwona, I seem to have run out of suggestions for you. When you were unhappy in Poland and missing Tom, it seemed a sensible idea to join him here in England but that seems to have badly backfired. I think I suggested a long time ago that you might benefit from antidepressant meds and, though you're probably still averse to that option, I still believe it could be the one treatment which would restore your quality of life.

    I don't believe a situational problem can follow you around in this way ; it looks like a psychological/psychiatric issue which hasn't responded to therapy/rehab but which might well respond, with time, to medication.

    I sincerely hope you can reach those decisions of where you want to be, with whom, and which treatment option to go with.

    All best wishes x

  • You are probably right. Thanks

  • cat ive suggested meditation

  • I'm with Cat, Iwona - I remember you being so desperately unhappy in Poland, and desperate to get over here, so I too am not sure it is so much about where you are, or what is going on in your life - this sounds like something that needs more help. Oddly enough, if you go to your GP and break down in tears they will offer you more pills than you know what to do with - it is one kind of therapy that is really easy to come by. I can understand your reluctance - I have never wanted to medicate for low periods, and thus far, praise God, have not had to do so, but it has come very close at times. I think sometimes it might be the lifeline, the only way out of a situation that is otherwise intolerable, and I think it sounds like you need one right now - so please, go grab it.

    Blessings as always

  • Sorry to interject, but I do not understand this reluctance to take antidepressants, taking them isn't being weak willed its taking something you need for bio-chemical reasons. Not everyone benefits from them and if you are not 'depressed' they won't help you because your levels of serotonin are ok. Nobody would refuse antibiotics if they were Ill.

  • Not everyone runs straight to the GP for antibiotics for everything though, Barny. Meds have their place, absolutely, but some of us take other steps first; preferring other options doesn't mean that you think it is weak-willed to take them, just that you have a preference towards other therapies. It is a matter of preference and choice. I try not to take painkillers either. Similarly I don't think people who do are weak willed, I just have a different approach to pain management.

  • The point I'm making is that depression is a physical illness like any other, it's not 'all in your head' but it does affect it. Antidepressant therapy is one of the most effective treatments available, by all means try alternatives first, but I get the impression people do their utmost to avoid a very good though not perfect treatment based on stigma, as if having to resort to that makes them weaker than the ones who "tough it out", it does not, simply their bio-chemical needs can't be addressed by other forms of therapy.

  • Hi, i have taken antibiotics just twice in last 20 yrs. And i have been taking antidepresants before; for this reason i dont want that anymore. It may be the only way but i will want to try all the other options first. Not sure what they are though...

  • I hope you never refuse antibiotics if they're offered when it may be perilous to do so. Just because you've taken them in the past doesn't mean you can't take them in future, I'm not sure of your point? Bad experience? Go ahead, I've tried them all, I wish you the best of luck!

  • Everyone is different. Antidepresants affected my blood circulation and caused many months of sleep problem. It is good you have not had any bad experience yourself. So my point is - not for everyone. I had been tested for depression and the result was negative, so that is why I think the problem could be rather hormonal (mood swings) and antidepresants scare me

    I always ask whether antibiotic is necessary, if not, I dont take it, it was necessary only twice in 20 yrs in my case (both times it was bacterial sinus infection). Im amazed how often antibiotics are prescribed for flu, or even cold and in these cases, yes, I refuse them. They do not work for viruses at all.

  • Of course everyone is different, that is why there are many different types of antidepressants and if one doesn't work there's a good chance another will, but it may mean trial and error which may put people off. At the end of the day, you have to weigh up which is worse, living with depression or the inconvenience of going through a period of testing various antidepressants to see which one helps.

    They don't help everyone and apparently if you've not got major depression they don't help, so it won't make a normal healthy person happier, because they work by topping up neurotransmitters to healthy levels.

    Depression itself affects how your entire body works as it impacts the nervous system, appetite can be suppressed or raised, the body's internal clock can become disturbed which may mean you have trouble following a normal sleep pattern, you may feel less energetic and in general less active also. This isn't a full list of symptoms of depression, but it's just to explain how it affects the body, hormones and all. Of course, other conditions may cause depressive symptoms but I imagine you've been tested for these? See if you can get a referral to endocrinology to investigate this possibility.

    So you tested negative for depression but have panic attacks? Anxiety can be treated with antidepressants.

    If you haven't already maybe get a referral to a specialist in neurological rehabilitation, the waiting time can be long but if you've had a BI, these are the people who are best served to help you.

    Good luck!

  • Must agree medication is not always the answer. They should not be used as a miracle cure, but can be used to help in the short term to help sort what is the main cause.

    I have taken various antidepressants med. ..With various outcomes .... I found them useful at the time whilst I sort other ways in which to battle my depression.

    Maybe I am lucky I no longer need them but feel they have their place in tackling depression.

    Try and tackle coping with the depression then maybe you will be in a better place to find the causes of it. Seek help from anyone you can. Our NHS is not perfect but if you keep pushing you do get help.


  • Hi, two quick questions /suggestions for now, as I am reeaaalllllyy tired from work (new temp job).... could you and Tom consider moving to another, greener part of the UK ? And might it be worth trying st John's wort?? It was a great alternative to anti depressants for me, without most of the unwanted side effects....

    Hope the sun shines on us all some time over the weekend.....

    Take care


  • Hey, we do think about other part of UK. As for St Johns wort I cannot take that, my doctor said it would not be good for me. I will want to have more energy to go for acupunture, but Im soooooo tired :(

  • Hi, I wonder why the doctors said no sjw ?? Interesting..... I'd ask again!!

    In the meantime I just think it night be worth looking at other parts of uk. ...or even outskirts of where you are now ?

  • It is bad for the liver and increases blood pressure which is crucial to keep it stable after the hemorhage. Also, I have been before prescribed meds for epilepsy and it is bad when you take them at the same time, also it increases possibility to get migraines. I have been avoiding this plant for years now. But I know it helps some people, it is just not for me.

  • Sure, we are all different! ☺

  • Hi Iwona, look at whether 5HTP may be good for you, my son has used that to get him through some very stressful and anxious times. Have a look at their contraindications etc on line.

    Janet x

  • In regards to depression and mood swing it's a sign that are mind and emotion are struggling to cope and that we need to stop rest and get back to thr very basics. Resting, emotional release crying is okay, eating, breathing, finding our coping strategy and finding hope and are support network should be the focus. Anti depression meds can work but not on their own I found. You have to do your self care bit, My hope came from my GP, being around my little girl at the time and a good friend. It's not a time to make major life decision as everything is covered with a dark vail. Moving through emotional challenge takes time and patient you cant rush it. It went from one hour at a time to one day, week until it lifts and you see light and beginning to find yourself again. It's important that we take mental distress and injury seriously and never give up on ourselves or others. Sending postive care to all who suffer or have suffered like me with depression and emotional struggles xx

  • I am so sorry that you are going through this and it is a terrible place to be in. You stated in your initial post 'before I left Poland I was going for therapy, rehab and felt it was going in a good direction.'

    These words were spoken from your heart and is telling you where you belong. You are essentially not adapting to a new life in a country that is so vastly different culterally to where you were born and raised. You have done all that you possibly can to adapt.

    Home (Poland) is where your heart is.

    Be guided by your intuition. It never fails. xx

  • if not trying anti depressants an all these lovely peoples suggestions then im at a loss,I live alone after bleeds to brain a car?.not been out in months as housebound.Any kind of fresh air an outside will suffice if that's really the problem.You have a husband who loves you an family in poland.So you do have choices an as cat said you were lonely in poland,now here.Not sure if you going to take help from here or just have answers to why not ,etc,its no good for liver,As I say I cannot add no more as im alone most of the time an just wondering if I said no to all antibiotics,me having no immune system I be dead.So make the choice an stick with it as otherwise seems your always going to be searching for peace hun.

  • Excuse me for jumping in Jac. I could not agree more with your comments. You are thankful for the life you have , despite the permanent daily setbacks you have been dealt with. You are an inspiration. xx

  • claire100 no just alot of people have family an friends helping an partners,therefore they can be looked after.When you got no one you have to think about looking selfish,aswell as bleeds to brain an its hard work.You have to be the patient,carer,an constantly brave,otherwise like I was in hospitals as my body gave up fighting an had septis.Then pheunmnia,then pleurisy then no immune system my day outs the hospital an not through my choice.Think others need to realise that yes your lucky you got a partner who loves you an there care.Maybe thank them with a present as they have feelings too. never chose this another person did an that's what I find so frustrating,bodies changed because of another,#

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