I was told this after I had lost my job. It stirs up so many emotions, anger, pain and more anger. Not sure who I am angry at. Is anyone else experiencing this sort of comment and how do they react to people that say these things. Sad and confused.
Julesgetting not today.
Yes I felt like that after my job my home and my future had all but disappeared. It was all I had done since leaving school so it was all I knew.
Remember that their jealousy is nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
If you were anything like me, you worked hard to get to where you were.
It's strange people say that when you have just lost everything, I'm sure it is what we all look forward to hearing having suffered a devasting illness or accident.
Don't waste your energy on getting angry at them, use your energy to get better
peoples reaction is that i will never get back there. What is the point in trying. Do you ever feel shcoked at the way people view you as to who you think you still are ?
It all depends on what your realistic recovery prospects are for getting back to where you were. If that looks unlikely, then don't beat yourself up over what might have been, acknowledge the situation for what it is and let it go.
Then you can focus all your energies on a new future. If you don't let go of unrealistic goals then careless comments like that will hurt because part of you agrees with them. In that case it might be that you are angry with yourself because you are not fulfilling those goals? If you can let go of them, then you have no reason for them to upset you.
Take stock of your situation, make new plans and above all enjoy your life.
Dev (I'm putting a virtual pound coin in the meter to keep the light at the end of the tunnel burning)
what if i let go and there is nothing left ? My bike and my job were me. It was all i needed before the accident. I.m almost asamed that there isnt any more to me. x
MY RESPONSE TO THIS SORT OF THING IS ALWAYS "WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES & YOU'LL SEE HOW LUCKY I AM" USUALLY SHTS THEM UP
If there's any chance you can get back to that life all well and good, but you have to be realistic.
What would be left if you let go? - a blank slate, a new you, a chance to discover a new life.
While you are still trying to get back to how it was, you can be blinded from seeing what else there is.
I'm a carer, but I still lost my job earlier this year (it was my life too), had to retire early taking a hit on my pension, eldest daughter moved out to USA, all on top of OH 's TBI three years ago. Kind of wrecked all my visions of climbing a bit higher then having a cosy retirement.
With the Carers support and local Headway I've discovered a lot of fulfilling activities and opportunities. All that on top of having a 'new' wife of three years without the hassle of a divorce 
If I'd tried to hang on to the old life any longer, I know I would be in a very dark place right now. Sometimes it has to get bad before you realise that you need to change direction, "Its always darkest before dawn" sort of thing.
All I can say is, it has worked for me (and OH).
Take care, Dev
Your words of 'thinking you would have climbed a little higher than' mirror mine.I can't believe life can change 'just like' when other people you know continue their days around you as normal in their roles.
I am quite frightened at the moment of what is going to change next.
How do you cope with your life being forced into a different direction ? You sound happy.
Regards
Gettingthere.
Ohhh, it wasn't an easy ride. First breakdown a few months after OH came out of hospital, I was just trying to balance work/life and support two teenage daughters who really needed the emotional support of their Mum. Ended up on antidepressants and muddled on until last Christmas when employers decided to restructure, same time eldest decided she wanted to live in USA. Loads of other things happened at same time, queue breakdown no. 2, higher dosage of antidepressants and stomach ulcers for good measure. I was in a pretty dark place, but determined to carry on being a working carer, husband and father no matter what. It soon became apparent that if I continued down that path then I was going to seriously compromise my ability to care for OH and the burden would fall on already stressed out daughters. Now, I had a passing interest in Buddhist philosophies and one of Ajahn Brahms videos on YouTube struck a chord, it was entitled "Four Ways of Letting Go". The rest is history...
Dev
Know how you feel had a meeting with my NeuroPsych recently. A we got round to the usual topic of work life balance. My life was always about work, status and money to provide for my family being independent. Now I can't work, I can't do the things we used to nor provide the things I used to and have to rely on other people
The NeuroPsych couldn't understand that these where the things that defined me, so if I can't do these who am I ?
Still struggling to find the answer
Yes, I am struggling with it. I thought I wouldn't have to try and explain and thought it would be understood when i did if that makes sense. Its profound how you can disappear. I am 48 and don't have time to get back to there anyway. I think I have wasted my life now. I'm not suicidal, just pointless now. Do you ever get into situations where everyone finds something funny and you dont so you smile at the appropriate places ? I dont find anything of joy in my life, I think thats been one of the big changes. My heart goes out to regarding your work and family - are they able to understand what has really happened you you ? X
Thanks,
Whilst there are exceptions, I have the view that a lot of the medical professionals are too comfortable and not ambitious - they can do the same thing day in day out, without fear of losing their job and know that they can plod on until retirement and then garden. When they come across people who want to get on and challenge themselves - they don't understand.
I am 53 next year and realise that if I do go back to work, it will be a low key job with no satisfaction or challenges. So I am torn by my principles of being independent and paying my own way against doing a job for the sake of doing something.
My family don't understand as I have always been the provider and still expect me to do it and can't get used to me being in a chair most of the day. Socially don't engage much, indeed apart from doctors visits or weekly grocery shopping don't go out at all.
Your injuries sound worse than mine - I am mobile but with pain. Like you I used to be a bread winner - i had a good job. I lost that. Like you a low paid job was offered, I am a worker brought up that way. I agreed to return a few weeks back in that role, obviously no for money, but I still want to be a 'person'. I can see my old desk from where I work and the old tether lock for my motorcycle is still outside the offices. Its so sad still workingn there, its like a death. But, it is a job. I feel absolute resentment when I talk to people close and they clearly dont understand. After a while the feeling goes and i make an appropriate smile. I can't accept that this is life now. Without people in your life is there a life ? \\and whats the purpose ? I am begining to think I need to choose a 'me' . Did you do that ?
When you explain to people about Brain injury they react in one of two ways - "you look fine so whats the problem" or treat you like an imbecile.
My Neuropsychologist suggested I should become more mindful and relax, let life take its own course. However, my life always had to have some sort of plan be it work, home, family. Now I have no plan so I am finding it hard to define a "new me" as I don't know what to base it on.
My work was me, I was an air trafficker and a mum. Always in that order, my life revolved around my shifts.
I was so lost and feeling useless when I was medically retired due to poor memory and safety of the public. I could not imagine doing anything different I had no idea what I could do or what I wanted to do in my future.
For a long time I used to tell anyone that would listen that I was a responsible adult, that I had done this job before I crashed.
I do feel my identity is still linked to my work but I'm trying to not be too consumed by my achievements.
It was one of the reasons tha I did not want to volunteer, I wanted to earn a living
Dear Danslatete
I am not sure if I have replied to you I am not very good with this new IT ! let me know if you got my last message. I have been trying to speak to Devastated and Sospan ....
JulesG, don't worry about the IT skills, the threads have got a bit confused but I'll just tag this on the main bit.
As regards letting go of former aspirations, I told family up front what we were doing and why. Eldest daughter going to USA had a real problem of guilt, she felt she was letting us down/abandoning us, I must say I wasn't entirely pleased either. But, in for a penny, in for a pound... decided to let go of that situation too. Told her we were fine with her moving to USA and that we forgave her for anything she felt she had done to us (its her life anyway). Result less stress for us and a happy daughter into the bargain, she's in regular contact too.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a converted, devout Buddhist, but I really can apply their philosophies to life, so far successfully 
Ajahn Brahm himself is quite a character, ex UK Theoretical Physicist with quite a British sense of humour, makes his YouTube videos much more fun.
Dev
Now where's my orange habit....
I was made redundant after taking time off on sick due to illness after a severe car accident. I am sure they used the round of redundancies as an excuse, since I had never taken a day off on sick since leaving school until I was 40 year-old, and had given the current employer 8.5 years, being put forward for employee of the year 3 years in a row prior to the incident. I felt frustrated that no-one was there to pick up the pieces. Have now started back in work doing what I used to do after 4.5 years off, but am now cynical of every one I meet, especially the employer. This on its own is not a very nice attitude. I still get severe headaches everyday and am tablets to control the worst of it, but just don’t tell anyone now for fear of losing the job I love. I often wonder how many others suffer in the world … our society does not cater for “normal” people. Keep in there, you are loved!
there are many of us x
I tried to force myself back to work within 12 weeks of leaving hospital, I was almost blind with pain.
I managed to get some freelance design work through an agency or two but I just couldn't do it.
My memory is pretty sketchy of that time but I know I blew up in a towering rage in two different offices and terrified the staff so much they asked me not to return. I can't even remember why.
Rehab back to work just wasnt going to happen. But then again the list of undiagnosed injuries was very long back then. Even now 13 years after the accident I have only just been diagnosed with major brain and trauma issues and now in the process of a spinal diagnosis. Got another full spinal MRI scan in two weeks in Oxford. Not looking forward to the park and ride !
Other people have expectations of you they don't have the right to make. They don't live with the pain and injuries. They don't understand that you have changed?
I became homeless within 18 months of my accident after my 2nd round of major orthopedic surgery left me in so much pain I could not sleep at all. I couldnt cope, I walked out with two bin liners of clothes and never went back.
Many of us will not have the amazing careers we once had back then.
I don't miss it that much, the one thing I have now which is priceless is TIME.
Time to think and study.
Hi Hayabusa
I blew up in the office too and was homeless like you - i also had everything i owned in bag bin bags... it sounds as if you know what i mean by thoes black bin bags - quite suited or descriptive of my life then. I have a home now and am trying to work mostly from home part time. What is sad is no one has said they got back to where they were before. I also had 2 spinal ops like you and am reminded of the crash everyday, but yes, black bin bags say it all to me. I wonder how life could have changed so much to end at a new starting point of a minus something. You have probably already told me but i cant remember, can i ask how you hurt your back ?
Hi Jules,I know the feeling and It`s just seeing that people treat you as a different person after the injury as a form of pity...that why rarely I talk about my problem.Also even if you apply for volunteering is more complicated as asking something not suitable for you ,but we have to cope, we have to keep busy, we have to be part of the society...how?
They ought to do a poll on homelessness or worst after effects of head injury with that as an option.
We were made homeless too. Not much fun with 3 children under 8.
I've come so far from that time,but it would have been nice to not be in that position.
hi guys, my dad suffered a tbi 14weeks ago, i just feel really down and need to speak to someone who actually understands how im feeling
How can you know you are ok?
To help my daughter
UK Brain injury support after 13years!
I GIVE UP
