Based on a true story, or two...
MID MORNING
Receptionist: Good morning. Elm Tree Surgery
Will: Hello, can I make an appointment to see a doctor please?
Receptionist: Certainly, may I ask what your ailment is?
Will: Yes, you may, I’d be delighted to tell you. I had a brain injury years ago and I’d like to see a doctor regarding one of the many conditions related to it.
Receptionist: I see. Our next available, bookable appointment is at 9:30 on the 14th January.
Will: 14th January? It’s October now isn’t it?
Receptionist: Yes.
Will: Oh.
Receptionist: Shall I book it for you?
Will: Can’t I see anyone today?
Receptionist: For same day appointments you need to ring that day when the surgery opens at 6:00am.
Will: Oh. I’ll set my alarm then.
Receptionist: Goodbye.
THE NEXT DAY. 6:27am, after 46 failed attempts to connect to the engaged line…
Receptionist: Good morning. Elm Tree Surgery
Will: Hello, can I make an appointment to see a doctor TODAY please?
Receptionist: Certainly, may I ask what your ailment is?
Will: Yes, you may, I’d be delighted to tell you, again. I had a brain injury years ago and I’d like to see a doctor regarding one of the many conditions related to it.
Receptionist: I see. Can you be here in ten minutes?
Will: No. I don’t drive and have multiple issues with travelling. I need some time to prepare and actually arrive.
Receptionist: I see. Can you be here in thirty minutes?
Will: No. I don’t drive and have multiple issues with travelling. I need some time to prepare and actually arrive.
Receptionist: I see. 4:30pm? Is that OK?
Will. Yes. Goodbye and thank you
Receptionist: Goodbye
LATER THAT DAY. 4:54pm
Doctor: Hello, Mr Power. What seems to be the problem?
Will: How long have you got?
Doctor: A normal appointment should span no more than eight minutes and I’ll certainly be doing my very best to get you out quicker than that.
Will: I see. Strap yourself in then, this will come at you thick and fast. Firstly, headaches. I’m having headaches on a virtually permanent basis, some of them are agonising.
Doctor: I see. Well, you have had a brain injury and thus some residual pain is highly likely. I also note you are taking medication to combat your epilepsy. Headaches are a common side effect of said medication.
Will: I see. Next. My stomach. I don’t seem to be able to digest anything I eat. Without being too graphic, everything I eat vacates my body almost instantly. My entire body is simply one large bilge pump. I could quite easily spend my entire life on the toilet.
Doctor: I see. I note you are taking medication to combat your epilepsy. Gastric irritation is a common side effect of said medication.
Will: I see. Are you sitting comfortably? Next. Congestion. I am permanently congested, throat and nose. I feel like I’ve had a severe cold for twenty years. I single-handedly keep the man-sized tissue business running. At night the wheezing is so tuneful that I find it difficult to sleep. As does my wife. She’s forced to stand every night while I wheeze, ‘God Save The Queen,’ in my throat.
Doctor: I see. I note you are taking medication to combat your epilepsy. Congestion and unintentionally annoying the hell out of your spouse are common side effects of said medication.
Will: I see. My heart. I am having murmurs, my heart skips the occasional beat causing hot flushes and breathlessness.
Doctor: I see. I note you are taking medication to combat your epilepsy. Cardiological issues are a common side effect of said medication.
Will: I see. My vision is often disturbed, and therefore my coordination and balance is somewhat compromised.
Doctor: I see. I note you are taking medication to combat your epilepsy. Visual disturbance and issues with instability are a common side effect of said medication.
Will: I see. Epilepsy. I am still having the occasional minor seizure that throw me off kilter and render me exhausted for the remainder of the day.
Doctor: I see. I note you are taking medication to combat your epilepsy. Epilepsy is a common… oh, bugger. That’s my script ruined.
Will: So, everything is a common side effect of the medication? No matter what ailment I have, and no matter for how long I should live, it will always be caused by medication I take to make me ‘well.’ Deep joy, thanks for your help.
Doctor: I see. I note you are taking medication to combat your epilepsy. Sarcasm and annoyance at being genuinely ill is a common side effect of said medication. I’ll shut up now.
Will: Please do. Same time, next month. Goodbye.
Doctor: I see. Goodbye.