Sometimes I hate myself

[Negeen]

As you all know my brain damage was caused from my own overdose of alcohol and from my "friends" leaving me there for 9 hours. Everyday I hate myself for it.

[Danslatete]

Would you carry around a broken fridge for years? Of course not. This is something you should try to let go of.

Did you have the ability to see into the future? Of course not!

Try to be kind to yourself and remember those'friends' were probably incapable of responsibility for themselves never mind anyone else for the same reasons.

We all do nutty things as young adults, it's part of learning our limits. Education and information can only do part of the job of keeping us safe, the rest is up to us.

My best friend in high school was dumped by her 'friends' on my door step when they had been drinking trying magic mushrooms and one young man had tried to get her sniffing petrol.its a good job they knew me as the stiff, and that they knew where I lived, or she would have died.

She is now a mother to 4 children, and a very happy and well adjusted woman. I would trust her with my life. She has been very very good to me since my TBI.

[B_S_A]

I used to drink myself stupid when I was 17 (and until I had a stroke), it's just something that happens, I'm surprised nothing bad happened to me when I was doing it.

As for your friends, they were all the same as you, and probably had no idea what to do.

Trust me, you'd still be hugely hacked off even if it wasn't your fault.

[SAMBS]

I can only agree with Danslatete and B.S.A Negeen - but by your own admission in a much earlier post you said 2 specialists will not agree you have brain damamge caused by alcohol. Excessive drinking and passing by young people, seems to be a regular occurrence in the UK if many news items are to be believed. You are lucky, you had a one off occurrence and you 'slept it off' for 9 hours - probably did your brain more good than harm. You ask many questions of me and others no doubt in private messaging - but you won't ever answer ours to you - Why Not?

We can only believe and give support if you do more than just repeat that you think a one off drinking binge has given you a 'brain injury' - despite that by your own admission, you have specialist advice to the contrary. If you do have a brain injury, perhaps there is or was a far more plausible event in your life before or since that evening that could or would be the cause. However as danslatete said you need to 'let go' of the reason you keep giving.

I am sorry if this sounds very harsh - its not easy to let go of certain emotional circumstances relative to ongoing frustration and desperation. I know because this is something that I've learnt here on Headway myself over the past months - and believe me 'letting go' of bad emotions then leaves you free to attend to the real repercussions that follow a BI.

Also there are so many more, 99% probably, of people who use this forum who are so much worse in the circumstances of their B.I's or the support they have to give to family and/or friends, than we are. I'm know I'm not a specialist - just another ordinary person - but we can only look at others comments from our own perspectives.

Time to be positive Negeen - not negative any more. You'll have our support and encouragement - so please have the courage to throw away that alcoholic binge. Take care. x

[Negeen]

Shirley,

Yes you are being very harsh and I actually do not appreciate that. Plenty of people also get in car accidents and dont get brain injuries so maybe you should stop telling people avout your car accident. Binging on alcohol and falling asleep is not the same as experiencing alcohol poisoning and falling tottally unconscious. One night of drinking doesnt kill you, one night of alcohol poisoning can kill and has killed before. I did not binge drink, I barely survived severe alcohol poisonig. It is well known that in severe cases of alcohol poisoning should the person survive witout medical intervention brain damage is a possiblity. It's on the mayoclinic site. Look it up. My neuropsych testing did reveal poor results but they are not sure why. That's why Im getting a second opinion. Perhaps before putting people down and underminning their pain you should do more research because it's ovbious you're lacking information.

[RogerCMerriman]

What is done is done, really there is no mileage in this, only hurt.

Do allow for the possibility how ever unlikely the cause could be else where?

My dad and some of mates, still pounder what, caused me to fall, the damage from the fall is known but not why, personally I've long since given up on that as frankly a irrelevance, you name it they tested for it, including having a heart moniter on for 2days, thus having shaved patches in my chest to fix the sensors....

[misswingit]

Sometimes I hate myself too. I certainly don't need other people telling me there's people worse off. Anybody mention there's people better off too? No, never do, I think it's ok to allow ourselves to feel a little sorry for ourselves you know. Because almost 5 years ago I was pretty happy the way I was. So hate yourself somedays but love yourself the next. It's massively important to have a even balance, as soon as it tips for the worst it's very difficult to climb out. Try and spot the signs. Try and change the hate for anger, then upset, then empty, emptys the best I've found yet. It happened, a number of things could have changed that day but didn't, same for yourself. It sucks but we just have to take a day at a time, because tomorrow could always be better. Xx

[fuzzyhead]

This is a tough one. I sympathise with you Negeen: I know what it is to hate myself. Why did I run into the road? What a stupid thing to do for an otherwise intelligent 11 year old boy!

But what about the other circumstances leading up to the accident, which I have no knowledge of? Perhaps I was running away from something/somebody. Perhaps the woman was speeding. I'm now older than she was when she ran me over, and I don't wish her any ill, because I remember what an idiot I was when I was the age she was when she may have been speeding along the road (I've heard she was but this wasn't 100% corroborated by accident investigators). But if I was running away from someone (I didn't live in the nicest area at the time so it's perfectly plausible) or if the woman who hit me was speeding, knowing that won't do me any good.

I have fallen asleep in the pub many times, what are my friends supposed to have done, call an ambulance every time it happens in case it was alcohol poisoning every time it happened? I've been sick from drinking too much many times too, and passed out in the company of friends. Dial 999? I don't blame my friends for not calling the emergency services each time it happened. Not one of them was medically trained so each probably assumed I would sleep it off and be ok, as happened to most of us on a reasonably regular basis.

For all this, to echo Roger, what is done is done and going over and over it again won't change anything, won't make anything better. It's a hard thing to do, and some days we're better at forgetting stuff and moving on than others but from what I've seen (and I lurk around reading when I have the time, although I may not say much) you are totally hung up on the night your self-diagnosed hypoxic brain damage occurred and are preoccupied with the sense that your life cannot be better than it currently is.

There was once a young man who hung around here who was impossible to please: he always posed questions but nothing anyone said could possibly be correct and he always told us why what we said would not work without ever giving it a chance and over time a lot of what he said just seemed to be seeking attention rather than seeking support. The injured among us on here only have limited brain power so I think eventually goodwill and patience with him ran out. Nobody said go away, but I imagine that he stopped getting what he came on here for (attention) so he stopped coming.

All anybody on here wants to do is help and support one another. It's hard having a brain that doesn't work like everyone else's, or supporting and loving someone in that situation. I don't think anyone on here wishes you ill, but when it's the same conversation happening over and over again it can get a bit much I think.

When I'm having groundhog days I don't say anything, even to my wife, but strangely I don't seem to have as many groundhog days now I'm at university and studying and doing something with my discretionary brain power other than dwelling on what could have been. Accepting that something happened to your brain-box (why would you lie? you know yourself better than anyone, so non-medical folk can do nothing but trust that judgment), you therefore have reduced brain power, so channeling what energy remains into something a bit more constructive is the only suggestion I really have.

I know this is hard. Nobody wants to come across as unsympathetic - from what Shirley wrote I know that wasn't her intention - I won't speak for anyone else but if someone *appears* not to want to help themselves it can be very frustrating for me personally going over the same (or behaviourally similar) ground repeatedly.

[pauly-paul]

As they say Negeen "The truth hurts".

I agree with what everyone has said on here. It is all fair and helpful comment.

The reason you are on this forum I presume is to ask questions and hope to find help and support in the answers given. I would suggest before asking questions or indeed making statements I would consider whether you are prepared for the answers you might receive before doing so. Everyone on here has offered support in many of your comments that I have read. It is your choice whether you act on them or not. Asking for help and support is never a bad idea. However, if you aren't prepared to help yourself in the first instance then what's the point?

Taking responsibility for ones actions (in this case drinking) is much harder to do when it may possibly have led to a brain injury in your case. I can only presume that you chose to drink and did so freely? Alcohol is a drug and drinking it has consequences. By the sounds of things we are not talking about a couple of glasses of wine and sadly you've learnt the hard way. Part of being a grown up is taking responsibility for ones own actions. In your case it sounds as though your own actions caused you harm. Ultimately you have to take responsibility for that. Your "Friends" did what most "friends" do as teenagers and young adults. What's done is done. The question you must ask now is what are you prepared to do for yourself to try and rebuild your life?

Playing the blame game will not help you to recover. Nor in the long run will it help you to get your life back on track. Even though the track you now find yourself on is different to the one you were on previously. Find strategies to cope with the things you find difficult. Try to figure out how your body has changed and what you can do to support it. Be patient with yourself. Meditate and breath when things get to much. There are many answers to be found in silence.

Please try to do as others have previously suggested. Be kind to yourself. Find new opportunities you can exploit in your new situation (regardless of what caused it) and make your life what you want it to be.

Oh and always find time to smile a little it confuses people!

Take care and good luck with whatever you choose to do with your future x