Had a bad week as my mum died a week ago. Feeling like I could break down and weep inside but feel unable to.
There's no emotion there, I know it will come but the frustration of my body or more appropriately my mind not functioning as it should is getting to me.
I know I may still be in shock( ot happened a lot sooner than anyone expected) but it feels more than that.
I am not bothered about what others think. Keep getting strange looks from some of family due to lack of emotion. But I feel like I need to release what part of my head is feeling. It's just the emotional side is on strike I suppose.
If you are still reading this far down thank you. I feel I needed to tell people who understand how I am feeling.
Moan over and thank you,
Pax
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paxo05
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so sorry,theres nothing else.its your mam...im not at all shocked that your response is thought by others as strange,i dont have a brain injury but understand totally where you at.you need some time to have a breather and think.and..in the whole scheme of things does it really matter how you choose to greive?im happy to talk with you anytimexx
Oh Pax, I'm so sorry to hear of your mum's passing ; there's nothing in this world so devastating. And your concern over loss of 'appropriate' emotion strikes a massive chord with me.
I lost my beloved brother 7 years ago. He was becoming ill when I was hospitalised from the SAH but visited me regularly. A few years later roles were reversed and I was visiting him whilst knowing his prognosis was poor owing to a failed bone marrow transplant.
I already knew I had an issue with warped emotions. Anger was my chief emotion and if I couldn't get at someone who offended me I'd beat myself up mentally for days. But when my brother died, and I literally couldn't shed a tear, it felt shocking and hurtful.
My grief stricken sister in law couldn't speak for weeks without breaking down and I frequently sat counselling her, all the while thinking 'Where are my tears ?'
My grief was internalised and invisible despite the massive sense of loss ; it was as if I were made of stone. I remember compensating with words, making it plain that I missed him terribly and always would. I still do.
And your grief is no less valid from lack of tears. We can't override the damage done by our brain injury and I guess we can only mourn in our own way and explain the loss of outward emotion to anyone who matters.
But you might be wise to talk about your loss Pax to allow some 'seepage' of trapped emotion. Talk to us if/when ever you need to offload . I know there are others here who will identify.
Hi Paxo, sorry for the loss of your mam, like you I find it hard to display appropriate feelings I can be in a difficult situation and want to laugh and cry when I should be laughing, it’s very hard, but I’m sure your mam would understand that she was loved and it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks, sending you hugs love Alice xx
Hi pax. I'm sorry to hear your news, and that you feel you are not having the correct emotional response.
I know how you feel, strange being able to say that, but I do. Knowing that your emotions are somewhat out of sink. There is a fancy word for this, can't remember what it is, I only threw away the piece of paper I noted it on the other day. Typical timing.
I have always been called hard, before my hiccup, possibly due to my career. I was good at blocking my emotions, so to be able to make logical decisions, and then taking myself off to decompress out of sight. Relatives have slated me in the past.
I miss that now, there is like a hole, I know how I should respond, but nothing. It's not like flattened effect you may get with depression. With that you still experience the emotion, but your response is out of sync. I get the reverse, when I should be euphoric, again there is a hole. It's easier to mimic the correct behaviour, to laugh at the right time, but it is exhausting. Grief, sadness, isn't so easy to mimic the correct behaviour, at least I can't. I find I go into garbled explanations that feel even more fake than keeping quiet.
I can look at it as a double edged sword. It possibly protects me from distress, but it also stops me from emotionally processing the stimulus.
The only emotion that seems to be intact is anger, and I use every trick in the book to avoid displaying this, because when awakened, I can be downright nasty, and that was never me pre-hiccup.
All I can really say in the absence of advice, is that you do experience the emotion, or the event. Everyone is different, some scream and cry, others, quiet and reflect. I guess we are somewhere in the middle?
Take care pax, I'll be thinking of you and your family.
Hi Pax,I am so very sorry about your Mum..., my condolences to you and the family...
and that you are struggling with thoughts about how you think you ought to feel.
The brain injury has meddled with my emotions, so you aren't alone in that one... I am calm when others think I ought not to be. In some cases I have a very intense lightening flash of some emotion and just as suddenly it is gone, sometimes leaving me in a great deal of physical pain. And the people around me shocked.
Please remind yourself you have an injury, this is not something you control. Things are just different now and you need to learn this shifting terrain newly. Another not fun ride in the adjustment category.
Grief doesn't look a particular way. If you feel you need a release try something else if you are able, like sitting in a bath smashing the water with your hands, or biting your pillow, or going for a very long walk, or digging a hole and filling it up, or.... you get the idea.
You may find the emotion leaks out in unexpected ways, or maybe not.
You are grieving, just not the way you thought you might - it is no less real.
I also do get the extra complication of the frustration you feel.... that familiar why can't I just... if I could just... etc
Sometimes I feel like I am turning slowly into granite - between not processing emotions the same way and purposefully being less reactive to things - dissassociation is a useful skill in my books, though others might not agree. Maybe some comes from the faking normal thing and having pretended things are ok for so long, when some part of me feels the exact opposite. Maybe it is part of awareness of our injury?
Being aware of it and being able to talk about it is a positive thing, though a difficult one.
I am glad you shared this, as seeing others are alsomin this struggle , I certainly feel less alone in this struggle.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Just horrible losing your mum. Change if emotions does seem very common, I get upset sometimes as my husband seems to lack empathy now, and does not get upset when I think he should! So you deal with it in your own way, as best you can. Take care xx
I’m so sorry to hear this sad news Paxo05. I found that it was my emotions which were altered in that either I couldn’t release them, or they were out of control. You’re right in saying that this is something that others who have had a brain injury can’t understand and that’s why they would keep giving you ‘odd’ looks-it’s a lack of understanding. You’ve done absolutely the best thing in writing this post to people who have had brain injury as we have understanding, many of us having experienced.
Losing your Mum is one of the biggest experiences for anyone, without the added issues of effects of brain injuries.
Can I suggest getting in touch with the Headway Helpline whose counsellors are trained in understanding the effects of brain injury-I’ve found them of a great help. They are available between 9 and 5 Monday to Friday but posting on this site is an excellent place to start.
Do give yourself time to grieve, whatever others might think.
Grief can take various lengths of times to come out-there is no set time limit-I lost my partner last year and haven’t begun to get over the loss. It comes in waves and sometimes it might be bearable one day, and not on other’s. Do be kind to yourself-even though some members of the family or friends don’t get it, there are many others who do-especially those who have had grief counselling experience. That might be another route you could explore. I also trained in grief counselling-give yourself time Paxo05.
I hope you find the comments on this page are of help and wish you all the very best.
Lite75
Sorry to hear about the passing of your mum, Pax. We all deal with grief in our own way and there is no right or wrong emotion to feel and it’s a continuum. It’s devastating to lose your mum, I lost my mum suddenly 5 years ago and it was so sudden, someone described it like standing with your back to the sea and a huge tsunami wave knocking you off your feet… hope you’re ok 🕊
So very sorry Pax, it's horrible losing a parent, even if we start to expect it, nothing prepares you for it, when it happens. Is your father alive? Some of your numbness may be your injury, but I lost my father pre brain injury, and I think I wasn't too bad until after the funeral. I remember a kind person saying how he had lost his father and how he would suddenly cry - and I thought how strange, because I hadn't, I was ok - but when it hit me later (and I was so not ok) I was grateful for what he had said at the funeral.
It may be difficult to grieve now after a brain injury, I suppose it may be feel more physical than emotional now for you. How has the injury affected you emotionally in the past?
My dad died a year after my rta nearly 22 years ago. At the time I was still struggling with my bi. It then led to a deep depression so it's hard to remember how I was then.
Luckily I seem to have got the hang of living with my depression and keep an eye on the signs.
It's just the emotions or lack of that seem to leave in a sort of haze.
I have a great immediate family that keep an eye on me so I know I will get through. Just wish I was there already.
I have had a problem since my bi with my emotions. Often getting them completely the wrong way around.
Writing on here helps , just knowing someone else understands.
So sorry to hear about your mum & I totally understand where your coming from. My emotions have been flattened since my BI & I find it so frustrating not reacting to traumatic experiences the way one should & feel the need to scream to get the frustration out but I can't even do that as it will hurt my head so everything just suffocates me.
Loosing my own mother Nov last year & even though for the 1st time since my BI (6 years ago) I shed tears but had no feeling of sadness but the tears came from nowhere without emotion it was the strangest thing ever.
Family say its a good must be nice to not have to feel shit but let's hope they never have to experience it.
Now 3 months on I have had to experience it all again with mums partner who was also her carer. I think he died of broken heart.
So both losses in few months & tears shed both times, although it was short & brief I still am human & not the weirdo I thought I had become due to BI of course.
I just love when people say think yourself lucky not to suffer the emotions. Yeah because feeling numb is so much better. They seem to think that inside it doesn't hurt still.
Sorry about your double loss. I think it has hit me because I was very close to my mum. I know it will come out just hoping it's not in anger as it has took many years to get this under control.
Having a bi does not make you a weirdo, it just makes you not normal. Personally I look around at normal people and think thank god for not being normal.
Hi Pax. sorry for your loss . my dad passed away approx a month ago. and i just cannot shed a tear and i feel so sad about it. Since then a sis in law has passed away and again i have no tears. i dont see what i can do about it. im very sad about them passing away. i talk to my dad quite a bit to his photo i have of him. x
I still find it strange that my emotions do not seem to work still. Keep talking to your dad. I do and he died nearly 22 years ago. Although at time I think I sound like him with the things he said.
I know not crying is different from not being sad and I am sure the time for tears will come.
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I have things that I need and want to do but dont have it in me to do them
Carers does it get better- own emotions
my life such that it is at moment i hate it
