Got what i wanted and... I hate it :(

Hello All

It has been a while since I wrote on the forum. Im going through changes again. As of 1st November Im in the Uk with my husband. I did not relocate yet but my manager was ok to start to explore the possibility of me working from uk and agreed that i spend few months to see how it goes for me here. And it is terrible :(

Im in tears everyday, I hate this dirty, ugly town and since the travel I have been feeling much worse. I thought I had balance issues before but now?! I cant even stand straight and it has been non stop for 2 weeks now. One day I was feeling so dizzy that I went to AE (seeing the gp will take 3 weeks!) and i was seen by a doctor whose english was worse than mine. I coul not understand what he was saying to me plus i waited to see just the general doctor for 6 hours.

I never wanted to be back to my home town so badly, I thought Lodz is ugly but here(...) It is just too much. Im stuck all day at home, I cant walk, I have nobody to talk to and i never felt so lonely in my life. I think i just made the worse decision of my life....:(

30 Replies

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  • Oh, Iwona, you need to give it time. It is always so hard to uproot and start somewhere new, especially to a whole new country. It is difficult that you cannot get around = do you think it could just be stress rather than anything to do with your bi? I don't know how old you are, but in your new town there must be groups that you could join (maybe get your husband to go with you to begin with). Get in touch with the local library and find out what is available, once you have a few friends things will look better. If you are completely unable to get out, get in touch with the nearest Headway group and see what they have available. There you will meet people who understand.

    Don't throw away this chance of happiness with your husband, you need to take time to adjust. Also, if you are miserable and depressed, it will affect your marriage which is the most important thing and the reason you came here. Get your husband to help you, he could perhaps introduce you to some people he works with and their girlfriends/wives. You just need to see that England may not be great, but the people here are mostly friendly when given the chance and would hate to think you are so miserable. It is a shame that it is November when everything is grey and drab, in the spring you will find it is so much more beautiful. I don't know where you are living but I bet there are some nice places to explore in the area. Once you start work you will also meet many new people and begin to make friends.

    Be positive, it's lovely for your husband to have you here, he has been so patient waiting for you, you need to try your best to make a nice life for you both.

  • Thank you for your kind words. Im 32 and I moved to warrington where my husband lives for 11 yrs now.

  • Hi, hope you have had a better day.....I agree with exhausted wife in the main. it's very early days and great that you are giving your marriage the best chance. I see that headway in Warrington have social events on Thursdays.....have you made contact with them ?

    Would write more but battling with my own issues right now.....but sending you best wishes and warmth.

    X

  • Do you fancy a visitor next week m'dear ? x

  • I'd love one Cat! But the flat in "under construction" furniture wise :)

  • Tried your tel. number a few times but doesn't ring out !

    I'll message you and maybe we can meet somewhere ?? x

    PS couldn't care less about furniture if you're unable to get out. ! ;-)

  • Hi Iwona,

    Welcome to Britain, although it may not be so 'Great' at the moment !

    I suspect the worsening of balance issue may well be the result of stress - have you tried using a stick to walk with, it helps me with my power and balance issues enormously. You need to try and get some walking practice in to improve it. Any parks or nice areas you could have a walk in nearby ? It's cold now in November so wrap up warm ! It is a rather drizzly grey season but I love to see all the colours of the Autumn leaves at this time of year. Did you see the 'Supermoon' we have had recently - I was lucky enough to see it last night as the sky was clear - really big !

    Change is always difficult, especially with a BI. Please give it some time. Christmas is coming soon and this year you can spend it with your husband : ) I don't know much about Warrington but remember going to Ikea there many years ago ! As Moo said, Headway have meetings twice a month, I'll post a link to details below. Don't forget that they are only a phone call or email away, too.

    headway.org.uk/supporting-y...

    Please give yourself some time to settle in before making any major decisions.

    Take care, Angela x

  • Hi Angela, thank you for your answer. I use sticks fir more than a year now but in the flat I have to stand against the wall or door or furniture for example when im preparing a tea. This has never been that bad. It got worse since the travel. I was wondering about b12 deficiency, but why it would hit me like this all of the sudden? Will have chance to see a doctor in december so will need to sit tight. I found a library but everywhere i have to go with my husband by car as there is no transport near by (even though i live in a centre) and still im not comfortable going out myself due to balance and tiredness. I realuze that if i walk and talk i get short of breathe , this is also new. I know november is not the best month for a change. I tried to call headway group in warrington but the phone seems to be out of service ech time i tried. I appreciate my husband but i also feel guilty Im not more happy here. I know he is doing his best to help me settle.

  • I hope you are able to explore the positive things you can find from a relocation to the UK.

    I still have ballance problems are there any aids you can install at home, I still find hand rails very useful. I also attend a balance class run by a Neurological Physiotherapist 4 people in my class small enough to look after individuals personal needs goals, it also get's me out interacting with other's. This is privately run but the cost is reasonable. your not in my area but try Headway NHS or Google for info hope this helps.

  • At the risk of sounding "preachy", I suggest exploring the spiritual side of your life. You could start by reading some inspirational books like Corrie ten Boom's The Hiding Place. Personally speaking, finding out that Jesus is alive and waiting on us to begin a lasting, personal relationship has made all the difference between joy and despair. Sending this along with a prayer for blessings in your difficult circumstances.

  • Oh my goodness Gran, I'd totally forgotten about that book !

    I read it many, many years ago and it had a profound effect on me. I think it was a library book but I'm going to look online for any 2nd hand copies.............so pleased to be reminded of that title and author. Cat x

    (sorry for butting in Iwona but it really is a special book). x

  • I've found it on Google in either book, kindle or free movie on Youtube ! Many thanks again Gran ! x

  • iwona you thought i was being horrible my love, i was being realistic, its bad enough sometimes for people whos first language is english to understand and yes i was trying to put you off.

    steve

  • Hi Steve, I hear a lot of "bad" english around here, that is the thing with diversity and Im well aware of that. I work for international company and with people from different parts of the world, we all communicate with the english we know. This is not the problem. For me the problem is the change itself. Im unfortunately "change resistant" and I have to learn everything here whoch affects my comfort zone. Sp many things are new. I quess having bi does not help me adjust, but I have to remember what is at stake here-being with my husband. I know some people may not be happy that im here due to some strange ideas about immigrants, but so far everyone was kind and nice to me.

    Hope you are ok. Thank you for your message.

  • im good iwona. you may find this hard to believe but before my stroke i had many polish friends.......one i taught not only to speak but to understand, which is the the hardest part.

    now you are here, find your local headway group and go along to the meetings.........youll meet people who will understand.

    welcome to england iwona

    steve x

  • After the stroke you dont have those friends anymore?

  • Hi Iwona

    Welcome to the UK. 32 years ago I was an immigrant here. Although I came from another English speaking country and didn't have any neurological impediments I still suffered greatly with culture shock, regretting my decision and wanting to flee. I lived in London at the time and eventually came to appreciate the multi-cultural nature of the city very much. Moving to the suburbs after my first daughter was born thinking we could have a better life was pure fallacy. I was once again miserable and living in a community that had a great dislike for 'foreigners', even ones who spoke perfect English and even ones who came from different parts of England! I once had a discussion with a GP about this and he confirmed that all of his 'non-native' patients complained of the same feelings of alienation and isolation.

    At least up north people tend to be much friendlier than in my area. I have neighbours who would prefer to cross the street than exchange a few friendly words. Next door neighbours who had been friends for years suddenly closed their doors to us after my daughter's TBI. It's not a nice environment, wherever you come from or whatever language you speak.

    It will take time but you can and will find a place in your new community if that is what you choose. When you visit the GP they may be able to signpost you to activities or groups you could check out. The local library is another place that has leaflets and posters showing events and activities in the area. My local town puts out a quarterly newsletter of news and events. At the back of this is a long list of interest groups that meet up each week or month. I don't like big groups per se (extremely introverted) but I have been known to check some of these out and forged good friendships in the process.

    So give it time and a good dose of hope and positive expectation. I wish I lived closer to you because I would have been happy to visit and show you the sights. Definitely take Cat up on her offer.

    Sending you my warmest wishes.

    L

  • Thank you for this reply. It sounds like it must have been difficult for you. Which part of uk you live in?

  • I live just outside of London.

  • Hello Iwona,

    I was sorry to read that you were not able to get in touch with our Headway branch in Warrington. We have investigated this and the telephone number has now been changed, if you would like to call again on 0794 707 5442.

    Again, our apologies.

    Joe from Headway

  • Thank you so much for letting me know. I will be in touch. Cheers!

  • Iwona, you have my sympathies for finding it tough going. You've arrived here in Autumn/Winter, the two worst seasons when its dreary and wet, and sooo dank. You have my admiration for sticking at it. I lived in Sweden at the beginning of the 90's, and it might just as well have been Outer Siberia or middle of Alaska. Imagine no one spoke english, and I had to learn swedish quickly. I lived a 30 minute drive from the nearest town that was the ugliest I've ever seen too!! People there looked very grey and depressed, and basically in my book, lacked sensitivity or manners. I like the suggestion of exploring the spiritual side of your life (I'm not speaking religion), but "drawing from within", meditation, reading, that sort of thing. Take each day as it comes, and try not to see it as a life sentence being here. The feeling of being trapped is awful, so never feel that. We Brits are not all insensitive or unfriendly. I love people from other countries and have made friends from overseas here, but then I've lived abroad many times, and travelled which gives me more an open mind I suppose. It's hard for now but it will get easier. Stay strong x

  • I've just re-read your post, and may have got the wrong end of the stick. I saw the problem as a cultural one. Forgive me for thinking that! I think once you've settled down a bit the other problems will alleviate. Our emotions are responsible for a lot of the physical effects we feel with a bi. Hang in there, and remember we are with you!! x

  • Hi, how did you get along after a while? Did you enjoy? Im really interested in your swedish story :)

  • Hi Iwona, what nationality are you? I am a Brit.

    I lived in Sweden a long time before my tbi, and my time there wasn't that happy. I found our cultures very different and it was difficult to adjust. I had more in common with other immigrants from Iran, and places, than the Swedes. I have a daughter (a swede/brit) living with me. We left Sweden when she was 2, but she travels regularly back and forth to visit her family there and she is bilingual. I would never go back. If you want to hear more of my swedish tales you will need to private message me, and I'm not sure how that's done! ;-) x

  • Hi Iwona

    You are having a wobble my dear! Your emotions and your physical symptoms are mirroring each other - and it's no wonder. Think of yourself as a delicate vase with a rounded base. You have been picked up from one shelf and placed on another - and you are still a bit on the wobbly side!

    But there is lots of good news here: your recent experience shows you are made of a clear, bright plastic, not glass...if you were to roll over you would not shatter, you just need helping hands to re-right you.

    And on this shelf helping hands are all around - husband close by, everyone here, friends in your local area (the strangers you see as you are out and about are just friends that you haven't met yet, as an old English saying goes)

    I think you have may have moved to a higher shelf - the view may not be the most inspiring right now and the drop is looking pretty scary, but once you get used to it believe me it will be fine. In fact you will find you are where you best fit in with what is around you, and where you can be most easily seen and appreciated.

    Welcome to our beautiful country my dear. I hope you soon start to love it as much as I do - and every blessing on your new home and long-wished-for life with your husband. Treasure what you have come to find that is dear to you and the November days will brighten I promise x

  • What a lovely, inspiring post. Thank you by the way the wobbly part of it is so relevant as my balance issues gotten worse, maybe due to new place...

  • Hi Iwona,

    wow , I just think you're really brave. It's a bold move to relocate to another country. Especially when you're feeling ill and unsteady. It is particularly grey in November here but like all things, it passes.

    I've never been brave enough to live in another country (I'd love to one day) , but when I was younger I did move from my small home town to London and to begin with, was scared to death. Just wanted to share what kept me going at the time. When I used to travel into work on the train , I always used to notice a sign on the side of a building which read, " Take Courage". Courage is the name of a British brewery if you don't already know. I always felt that sign kept me going if I felt lonely . A few words of encouragement.

    So best wishes, good luck and take courage, Iwona. Not that you need it because you already have courage in abundance

    xx

  • Hi, i have previously lived in wales, scotland and france. I have moved many times from different cities but that was before bi. Im just not very fond of things typical for britain and this makes it difficult especially when you consider all that is going on politically. I miss the comfort of my life before bi and also everything seems to require more energy. I feel unsecure as i dont have my great doctors here and the service i have received, well i will leave this without comment. Plus i have the feeling there is little respect for people and environment which really surprises me considered this is western country. So, im not scared of the idea of being elsewhere, im afraid i will not get along here :(

    But im with my husband and for now he has to be here so i know i have to adjust. It is just not easy. Thank you for the support. I just need one as im going through change.

  • Yes very difficult. TBI is such a massive change and everything that comes with it can make life very difficult. Unfortunately even though the UK is a rich country, I don't think in recent times we've been very good at infrastructure and politicians seem to employ a very short termist approach towards these things.

    On the environmental stuff, I'm a greeny so you have quite a lot of sympathy from me on that :) .

    Take care Iwona, people are very good at support on this forum, I find . All the best to you xx

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