CHOOSING A NEW SWIMSUIT

CHOOSING A NEW SWIMSUIT

Yesetrday I tried to make you smile, today I plan to make you laugh

WARNING TO V.G. - PUT THAT DRINK DOWN

Apparently a true e-mail a woman wrote to her friend after shopping for a swimsuit;

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a swimsuit. When I was a child in the 1950's,the bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure - boned, trussed and reinforced, not

so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice - she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.

The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected

from shark attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.

The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump.

I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately, it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides.

I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh There you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I asked what else she had to show me I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted...a two piece affair with shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge friendly, so I bought it.

When I got home, I read the label which said "Material may become transparent in water." I'm determined to wear it anyway.....I'll just have to learn to do the breaststroke in the sand.

17 Replies

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  • Cowers in shame.... Way back in the eighties when I was a teenager early twenties and had a figure carved from a potato chip I bought a swimming costume didnt try it on didnt need to... I was slim I was sporty .. I dived into the swimming pool and leapt out onto the side to reveal ... Everything .... The blooming thing went transparent in water... Back into the water .. Swim towards changing rooms and got dressed quickly....

    My second humiliating episode I was standing in the sea in a rather fetching bikini right by this extremely good looking guy about my age.... A huge wave suddenly knocked me off my feet I shot towards this guy and punched him straight between the legs ... He went down with me ... When the wave subsided we both got to our feet ... He wincing in pain then his eyes opened wide at the same time I realised my bikini bottoms were nearly at my knees.... Needless to say I didn't see him again all holiday.....

    Oh the shame .... Your post bought it all back to me.....

    Yours mortified but laughing at mals post

    VG x

  • V.G. At least I warned you to put your drink down before reading my post, why didn't you do the same.

    scurries off to fetch the paper towels

  • Yes, too bad of you, VG - I choked on my toast and now have soggy crumbs and marmalade everywhere! :D

  • Marmalade and poached eggs, it gets worse and worse ;-)

  • Mwahhahahaaha

  • Glorious!

    I do like to start the day with a good laugh, and you write so well!

    I used to be a real Skinny Minnie, and swimsuits just hung on me - bikini tops looked sort of loose and empty, and I had to resort to children's swimwear.

    All these years later, I'm still no heffalump, but the years have taken their toll, and I do have a problem finding where my armpits end and my bosoms begin :(

    I bought a 'tankini' which sounds like the one you have, and it's very nice - but I looked at the label, and it said 'Dry-clean only' - I ask you! :O

    Moffy x

  • Picks herself up for the floor and scurries to the bathroom before its too late !!!!

    That was so good Mal, the only thing I really do have to question is why on earth are you looking for a swimsuit in this extension of deep winter, are you off on holiday or (more like me) just losing the plot ;-) hehehehehe

    Thank you so so much for the laugh, I like Moffy am a slight person (slightly mad I hear you yell......well yes, and that too) and have had the odd occasion when wearing a bikini and top and bottom have made departures from the areas they were meant to be covering!!

    I do remember very clearly as a child having this extremely weird costume made of crinkly stuff, pale turquoise .

    Then I took up swimming big time and swam with the Rushmoor Royals and of course speedo's were the order of the day and that is still the variety of choice, that having been said, since having arthritis in my shoulders and then a shoulder replacement, I haven't even been in a pool for 5 years. I would love to but I know my inclination would be to do much more than my body would like...........so I'll wait til I'm in the Maldives snorkelling .... in my dreams !!! Lalalala :D

    Foggy x

  • So that's how your bandage comes off in the night ... Bed snorkelling ... Sounds like fun :)

  • One might ask why I was looking for a swimsuit at all, considering that I can't swim!!!

  • To do nocturnal bed snorkelling with foggy????

  • you found me out (creeps away blushing furiously)

  • Haha - reminds me of my Army friend - she spotted a squaddie wearing a Tee shirt bearing the legend 'Olympic Muff Diving Team'

    Being a keen swimmer, she enquired if there was a club she could join - was her face red when someone let her in on the joke! Bed snorkelling sounds equally rude! :D

  • Not in a water bed Moffy

  • My friend has a heated water bed..... Now that sounds nice....

  • sounds like the ultimate in comfort for the achey fibro bits

  • Hi all now I will let you in on a secret from when I was 15 my mum went and bought me my first ever bikini it was hideous and even worse when I got in the pool the bottom half tried to swim off on its own turns out it stretched when wet needless to say I never went to our local baths ever again not that I can swim any ways embarrassment or what I no longer own a swim suit . Sithy

  • Dont you just love my 'Ignorance of youth' - age 14/15 I bought a cerise & bkack swim suit (low cut, high leg etc... well I was an auburn haired, barbie figured teen!) nobody told me some bathing suits are not meant for swimming, only SUN bathing & that the ZIP came undone that was down the middle of the costume. I wondered why all the male friends I was away with had started swimming UNDERWATER & all the female ones didnt believe I hadnt done it deliberatly!!

    Always a lot more careful after that!!

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