Too many times...

[fibrosam]

Today I just feel like hitting my keyboard repeatedly and hoping the right words come out.. cause seriously... my brain is in no fit state to find them. Im not even sure i actually understand what I feel anymore. I know I'm low, and I know that no tablet, or therapy the doctor will suggest will help. And please dont take this the wrong way to some of the lovely people on this site, but I dont want upbeat "it will get better" because ive heard it all too many times now.

Ive spent 95% of this week in bed, and surprisingly asleep, which is quite unusual. Even though ive been asleep for stupid amounts of time - im still exhausted and confused. And at the same time, its 3am and I cant sleep. I really didnt know that was even possible. On top of the standard (because lets not pretend, you just cant get rid of it) pain, im also really struggling with my lower back. All forms of medication are making me really quite nauseous for some reason (ive never struggled with this before). I also have Lyme disease which has decided now would be a good time to stop responding to antibiotics, and so im weak and wobbly from that as well.

As if this wasnt "depressing" enough, im also seriously struggling financially. Sat down with my husband to do the bills today to discover we are about £500 short of what we need... with no hope of it magically appearing from elsewhere. Oh and the gas boiler has stopped working, so we currently only have a kettle for hot water, making a nice relieving bath all the more impossible. the strangest thing however is that this "depression" is different from however its been before. Normally i feel absent, or a bit low. However at the moment (last 2-3 weeks) ive not been absent, ive been hyper aware of everything. Everything ive done slightly wrong over my entire life, and ive really been beating myself up over it. Ive been having panic attacks, and actually feel sad. Really sad - tearful even. I feel so pathetic, i cant, and i know i must, talk to my best freind, husband or doctor about it all. its like ive been pretending for a few months that i was getting better, that id finally be able to be a deccent member of society again, and the sad thing is im not getting better. and dear lord i dont wanna let everyone else down.

so what do i wanna do? i dont want you to panic because im a chicken, and i wouldnt do anything stupid anyway (it would just hurt everyone else more) but i dont wanna be here anymore. ive been fighting this for so many years and i really am struggling to find a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel as though nobody gets it, not even the doctors. and its not fair. so i throw it open to you guys...

i wanna go shopping. buy myself shinny things to make me feel better.. but im skint and thats only a fleeting pleasure. what can i do? thats fibro freindly? preferably free? and is going to make this horrible and nasty punishment that they call life a little less disgusting?

[jancrossstitch]

hi i have no quick fix but understand what you say im in the same boat i have tried to get out of all the horribleness a few times and it does not help i to wounder what i have done that i now have to try and cope with this do you have any hobbies that can take you away from all the worries even for ten mins i do cross stitch and even though i cant do as much it does help or a good book can sometimes take me somewhere else and help you forget for a bit i know it is always still there but sometims those 10 mins can make all the diff i dont think doctors do understand who can unless you have it do you have a hydropool at you local swimming pool that helps me loads and usually not to much dont know if any of this will help but sometims its just nice to know you are not the only one up at this time jan xx

[Hidden]

hi i cant offer you pain relief or £500 but i can give you support and be here for you i am so soirry you are so low the only posotive to that is you as low as you can go so you cant get amy lower which mweans hopefully you will start to go up a bit

we all havwe patches in our lives wher it all gets too much and weare so skint etc but things o work out i am a graet beliver in when one door shuts another opens ansd through my life i have found this to be true

i hope that soon you will too turn a corner and things gradyually get better i only a few months ago was crying all the time i was so low not happy in my relationship money worries well no money to worry about but you know what i mean no money but things that needed paying and what i done ilooked around my home and found things that i no longer wanted or needed de cluttered basically and i sold all my things on gumtree ans i made about £300 and then i went into my jewellery box and cashed in lots of gold that i no longer wear again i took in 3 x lots and got £260 so maybe you could do that my daughter done the same she was short of money in feb ansd did not wan toto get loans etc so she looked around and again she sold about £400 worth of stuff on a face book site and then she had the money to pkay her bills etc

so just try and do that you may be surprised at how much stuff you have got which you thinkis rubbish but others cant wait to have it

anyway always here for you i wish i could magic you a cheque for the money and take away your pain love diddle xxxx

[Dixiesdaughter]

Read ur post and thought I just had to reply now that im writing it - I dont know what to say - typical!! I wish with all my heart I could wave a wand and make things better for ya but unfortunetly this is the real world and not some fantasy/ fairy tale and no knight on a white steed will be charging into rescue you sad but true!!! So thats where real life kicks in and we realise that only we can help/rescue ourselves

So how do we do that firstly look at ur situation take all issues and rate em in order of relevance i.e. which issue is most pressing and if fixed would have the most positive impact on your life as it currently stands. Is it your health - can you see gp, specialist, clinic etc to review meds- whats working?whats not? what other meds are available etc? is your lack of quality restorative sleep making every thing seem bleaker if so wat sleeping meds can you take to help rectify this.

In terms of your financial issues have you had a benefits mot this is a service where trained advisors will look at your circumstances to see if your recieving all available sources of fininancial help and will advise you in relations to what you could and should be entitled too this service can by provided via your local benefits office or a community financial resource like c.a.b. I also agree with diddle we all have items at home we dont use or need can you make money by selling these on line or at car boot sales etc y not organise a swap event in your area where people bring items they dont want and swap for something they do this can be anything for example clothes, toiletries, make up, accessories, jewellry shoes, handbags, electrical goods, books house hold items etc In this way you can get that high from getting something "new " without the worry about spending cash you dont have!!

Also have a good think What skills do you have that you could possibly use to increase your income are you a good cook/ baker can you sew, knit, paint give good foot rubs etc if so sell or barter your skill in return for goods or services you mite be able to get your boiler fixed in this way- there are several uk bartering and skill swap sites on line google will help you locate them

Finally its time to stop minimising the impact of your health condition and let others know the true nature and extent of this horrible condition! share your worries talk cry laugh squeal shout and rage with family friends and neighbours. your only isolated if you choose to be give others a chance to share your hopes fears expectations and reality. Be realistic in regards to the differnt ways and types of support people can offer; some will step up to the mark while others will flounder dont be too disappointed when this happens cuz this is real life and were all human.

I will not insult you by saying chin up and life will get better instead I will only pray that this period of bleakness passes quickly for you and that your inner strenght and resourcefullness wins through god bless you and good luck in your fight with fibroxxx karen (Belfast)

[grasmit]

roll a joint....best advice i have