A view from the other side

Good morning to everyone,

I do not have fibromyalgia, M.E or any of the chronic conditions that you all unfortunately suffer with, what I do have is a beautiful lady, who I see every single day, suffering considerably.

My beautiful lady is none other than Nuttytartuk2003 (Irene)

She will probably do her nut when she see's this post, but eh who cares, I'm just telling my story and speaking on behalf of many other men, who live with someone who suffers from this horrific condition.

I met Irene 4 years ago nearly and from the beginning, she looked amazing, excuse me but I'm a bit of a soppy sod lol.

Anyway back to my point, she looked from the outside no different to any other woman, she told me little bits about her car accident when she was younger and how she had been told by doctors that she had certain problems with her back and neck, but I never imagined the horror that I would see over the next few years.

I began to notice little things right from the moment we lived together, things I hadn't noticed before as I used to just visit her everyday, I realise now that she must have been going through hell just to meet me each day, but I didn't know at the time.

I began to notice the pain she was suffering, the constant feeling of being tired, she used to suffer terribly with itching and I had many bruises to prove it with her restless leg.

I don't need to go into detail, because you all know exactly how she feels, but this post is about how I feel and to help make Irene and other people on here see how there partners feel living with someone who has these debilitating conditions.

I work a 60 hour a week, at weekends I try my best to help her in anyway I can, mostly housework etc, I try and comfort her and listen to her as she explains to me how she is feeling, I listen with great enthusiasm when she tells me about this website and the research she does to find out more, but inside she doesn't see or feel the emotional pain and suffering that I have as many of your partners will feel.

One of the hardest things a human being as to endure is seeing the person he or she loves suffering, people deal with emotions differently, but that doesn't mean, they don't care.

It's hard because I personally feel helpless, there isn't anything I can do to take her pain away, all I can do is support her in the best way I can, listening and being there for her.

Sometimes I don't know what to say to her or do for her to make her feel somewhat better, I have to suffer in silence, I have to watch the woman I love go through every day life, with immense pain, discomfort and difficulty struggling to even get out of bed most days, not being able to live a normal productive life. It makes me feel guilty because I don't suffer from what she as or you guys have, I get a cold and I'm dying, yes man flu lol, but then I look at Irene and it suddenly dawns on me that she feels like this every single day 365 days a year.

Don't be to hard on your partners, if they are different to the way I am, everyone is different, everyone deals with things differently, it does not mean they don't love you or care about you, it's hard to get our heads around it, to see your partner suffering day after day and there is sod all you can do about it, is absolutely soul destroying, we don't have support groups, we can't talk to anyone about how we feel, the emotional pain we suffer, we are alone and try our best to help.

I have so much admiration for Irene and also for all of you who are suffering with these conditions, you are all very brave, Irene has told me so much about this place and how wonderful and a supportive network you really are.

I'd like to take this oppurtunity to thank you all for helping, supporting and most importantly being a friend to my beautiful Irene, you have touched my heart sincerely because since she came on here and as spoken to you all, I see that fight back in her eyes, that hunger to change the government and NHS mindset and make them finally realise that this is a serious illness and you all deserve the best care, treatment and of course financial support to make you lives easier.

Again thank you for being there for her

Tommy x

27 Replies

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  • Awwwww Tommy,

    I had tears in my eyes when reading this. :)

    What a lovely idea, i hope irene doesnt get mad at you lol.

    Irene you are so lucky to have such good support off your partner.

    I understand that it will be hard for partners to see their loved ones in agony. I am frustrated on a daily basis and i sometimes think my aprtner just doesnt understand, I know it is hard to understand.

    I never play on it, i am the opposite infact that i hide alot, stupid i know but thats just me.

    Yes we will always be here for irene as i believe that she will be able to give plenty of people some good advice, a good laugh and just all round good support. :)

    I ahve only found this site at the beginning of this year and it is just the best. :)

    thankyou for sharing, kel xxxx

  • thats really lovely ,and i think she will be very touched by this ,i know i would ,

    well done you for writing this lovely blog ,it has really opened my eyes thank you

    well done again ! :-D

    lynz xx

  • omg Tommy thats brought a few tears on, what a truely amazing man you are. Irene is very lucky to have you,its hard for partners to understand mine tries, today his cleaned all through, before he does a full days work, to be honest alot of us need emotional support as well which many men find it hard to give,I hope things improve for both you and Irene, but if they dont I feel youll both cope, as youve got so much love in your life

  • Tommy you are a wonderful man and Irene is lucky to have you! But i'm sure she knows that.

    I know my husband feels bad he can't do much for me regarding pain, exhuastion etc and I know he hates seeing me the way I am. It is difficult for the partners to know what to do but just listening with interest is sometimes all we need! Sometimes I feel as if I have moaned to much as my husband doesnt seem to be listening but I know deep down he's just feeling hopeless as he can't take the pain away. Also I know he wishes I didn't have to work but we desperately need the money. I do feel for him as I know he's feeling bad for me. We're sort of in this together. I'm going to be soppy now and say how much I love him as he's the only person that I can tell apart from everyone on here!!

    Keep up the good work and hope Irene doesn't kill you for sharing how you feel!

    Sharon

  • my hubby can cope with the practical things, but runs for the hills when I start to crack up, its a pity there not help out there for them to understand it all

  • Think you have expressed how many partners feel, unfortunately depression which accompanies fibro makes people inward looking,it's usually only when I feel better that I can see what I've done to my dearest and closest. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing.

  • wow tommy i have just read what you have put and man did it make me have taers in my eyes just reading it to my self.

    my partner ask what was wrong and i said that there is a blog wrote by you and he ask me to read it to him.

    but i could not as was to choked up .

    i will try and read it to him later on to day xxx

    hugs to you both and well done on this blog :)

  • Tommy you are a treasure, I am so pleased Irene has you.

    My husband is similar and finds it hard seeing me the way I am now, but he had 2 strokes 6 yrs ago when he was only 48.

    He is in constant pain,but I didnt quite realise how debilitating until I became rapidly worse about four yrs ago.

    You are a gem, Im proud of how much you care for Irene, and that you have had the goodness to pour your heart out here.

    Thank you,

    lol

    Susan :) x

  • haha isn't he lovely, just read this post, he's a sneeky sod! I think I have the best man in the world and although this post made me cry, I now know he really does understand what we go through every day.

    Thanks for all your replies

    Irene x

  • give Tommy a big kiss from me, he s a gem

  • Well what can i say you lovely lovely man and you lucky lucky lady irene , i thought what you have written there was absolutely wonderful and how kind of you to recognise and take the time to see what we are all going through i am sure she will smack you for doing this but that means so much to me and so it must mean a hell of alot more to her . i dont live with my partner or my parents

    but i put a blog on ear;lier saying they dont really understand as my parents dont see me or my partner all the time they dont see me struggle to undo a jar and the stupid things that i cant do any more or can do but takes me twice as long like you yourself said until you lived with it 24/7 you did not realise half or appreciate what irene was goingthrough i dont think the other partner really realises it until like you they are faced with it,

    anyway i hope that you have earned yourself a gold star as that was a really lovely thing to read i could never imagine my partner taking obver the pc and doing that !!!!

    anyway you enjoy your weekend and come back any time for achat it is nice to hear the other side love to you both diddle x

  • Oh my goodness, I'm half in love with you already, Tommy!!

    Irene is lucky to have such an understanding partner. I only wish that everyone suffering from daily pain had such a gift in their lives. Thankfully, my life has improved since divorcing my husband of 20 years and meeting a fella who empathised, as you do, with his new partner.

    I hope Irene didn't beat you up too much when she found out about this posting! :-D I bet she loves you as much as you love her. I only know that I adore my "gem" of a fella.

  • PS: as I was finishing my posting above, my wonderful soulmate came into the bedroom (where I'm sitting in comfort with my cats) and did a happy dance for a few minutes, all the while singing a daft Muppets tune with the sole lyrics of "I f*****g love ya" before bestowing me with a shower of kisses and dancing his way out of the room lol.

    He has now gone on a food foraging expedition at the supermarket across the way :-D and later on wants to take me for a drink. How could I not love that man lol? He makes all the difference to my existence and dealing with this interminable pain. I wish that everyone had a partner like him and like you x

  • Sorry, I missed this earlier.

    What a lovely man you are and how lucky Irene is to have you.

    :)

    Tommy, I loves yer!!! lol

  • Why oh why couldn` I have found someone like you Tommy

    I thought I had but after 16yrs together,he did the walk to someone better than me.

    Have been on my own 15yrs,in that time I have had relationships and like your Irene,found it hard to keep up.So gave up.

    Life ie better with just me my dog and a couple of good friends.II don`t have to prove anything to them.

    Love and hugs to you both Butterfly xxxxx

  • Aww this is amazing, I had my mum, boyfriend and some friends to write supporting statements for my DLA appeals the other week and it was wonderful seeing how much they understood what I suffer with and this has reminded me of that, brought a tear to my eye :) x x

  • Wow what a wonderful support you are to Irene bless you Tommy. I also had tears reading your message. Such emotion in the words. I am sure Irene is very grateful for your fabulous support, love heavenly x

  • This brought tears to my eyes, what a wonderful man and how lucky Irene you are.

    Im alone now but my ex knew me before and after i was diagnosed and he just avoided me on my bad days, he understood why i was grumpy sometimes bt he wouldnt have dreamt of thinking of my like this.

    I am happy to know though that quite a few of you have good partners, there is some hope i guess that we singletons may be lucky to find someone with just a little bit of understanding even if not completely wonderful like Tommy.

    xx

  • Wow Tommy!!!! I can understand exactly where you are coming from as I cared for my late husband for years until he passed - which is why I can see how my partner feels now. But I will be showing him your blog, I know he gets fed up sometimes although bless him, he doesn't show it too much!

    Well done for writing this, and Irene you're a lucky lady!!!

    Gentle hugs xxxx

  • Tommy, will you marry me!!! Or just keep spreading the word.!

  • Tommy, will you marry me!!! Or just keep spreading the word.!

  • Aw tommy, Irene is a very lucky lady. I was posted a link to this blog from a lovely lady who had read my blog. My husband has been very verbally abusive and left me because he couldn't understand the pain I'm in... I think he feels I'm making it up? He was a loving husband and would clean and cook but started to moan about doing it. We have 3 children and I take care of them whilst he is working then when he comes home I just can't do anymore so he does it, my 15 yr old helps out too.

    My husband said I should get out and work and it's all "me me me" and no one else is allowed to be ill?

    I just can do the cleaning everyday, and if I do clean the house then I'm terrible for a few days, pain and chronic fatigue same goes for if I go shopping or take my children to the park! I wish I could make them understand the way you understand your lovely wife!

    Thank you tommy for showing us that there are people who understand and believe we are ill!

  • I read this and like many others, cried. I have a partner who like you works so hard all week but when he is not working tries to be their for me as much as he can.

    i often forget that although he doesn't have my condition he does have to live with it, yes i am often scared that he may look around and think the grass is greener, after all taking on a woman and her two young children would be daunting enough but to do that and have to deal with my condition always leaves me in awe of him.

    i forget at times how much he really does ease my burden and often find it hard to be honest with him just how bad things are as i don't want him to worry or feel that he doesn't help because he does, just having him in my life means everything.

    We would never have reached this point but he came on my pain management course on the family/friends day and it was there that he was able to open up with the family and friends of other sufferers and share emotions and frustrations that build up watching the person you love go through this. He is not a preson who relishes being put in those types of situations but it opened his eyes and i heard him joining in and really contributing and it made me realise just how hard it is for everyone touched by the illness, those who suffer from it and the people who love and support them.

    I forget to communicate and thats the worst part of it but i am lucky that he has had the benefit of sharing his experiences with others and understands me. A patient and loving man who i cherish evey minute with.......how great it is to hear that there are more like him and i couldn't agree more that the family and friends of sufferers should have a forum to be able to share the thoughts, fears and worries......after all this illness touches all around it not just those suffering from it.......

    How blessed you both are to have each other, hugs and love...xxxxxxxxx

  • Aww Tommy you have done it again made me cry too! Irene you are one lucky lady I am also lucky as my husband is a gem but thank you so much for what you wrote Tommy you really are a lovely caring and compassionate man such a rarity today, I wish you both much love and happiness Hugs Ruby xx

  • wow! you just made me cry, that was really moving. Thank you and Irene you are so lucky to have such an understanding partner. Shame there's not a prescription fo that eh.

  • What a lovely man you have there Irene xx

  • aw how lovely to read this, really moving and insightful. thank you for writing this tommy, and irene you have a lovely fella there xxxx

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