I'm a 27 year old Woman and unfortunately suffer from Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, Type 1 Diabetes, a weakened Immune system, IBS, and have had issues with my mental health in the past due to my physical health problems.
I've been with my boyfriend for around nine months and up until recently he's been really kind, caring and supportive, and things were perfect, but this weekend he made a few comments that give me the feeling he may be starting to resent me. I never really complain about my issues, and whenever I stay at his I do my fair share of the chores no matter how rubbish I feel, and although it's impossible for me to work full time due to how ill I am, I'm a self employed freelance Model and do a couple of little Modelling Jobs a week on average, which pays quite well for the Hours I do, although even this can often be very difficult for me to do I still do it, and really enjoy it.
Up until the weekend my Boyfriend was very encouraging and always told me I do really well considering my health and should be proud of myself, but I felt something changed on Saturday. One of the jobs I was supposed to be doing got cancelled but the client paid me a cancellation fee which many do when a Shoot gets cancelled on the client's end, although cancellations don't occur that often. My Boyfriend then made a snarky comment about how it's odd they pay me if a Shoot gets cancelled and his tone made me feel uncomfortable. Later that day he randomly called me lazy for no reason at all, I'm not sure if it was a joke but it felt such an insensitive and out of character comment for him to make, I was really quite shocked he'd say something like that as he knows its a sensitive topic for me. It's made me worry he secretly thinks I am lazy despite me often pushing myself too hard. I had an appointment with physio today and last night my boyfriend told me to make sure I tell them It's difficult for me to work, and how I'm unable to work very much at all really . Again his tone was really unusual and snarky for him not caring or concerned like normal.
Maybe I'm just being oversensitive but it's really hurt my feelings as I've lost friends in the past who just don't understand and have wrongly put me down as lazy and workshy. I love my boyfriend very much but if he does resent me for being ill and in pain everyday of my life then I don't think I can be with someone like that, I'm scared he will expect me to do way more than what my body can do and I refuse to make myself really sick for anyone even him.
What should I do, see how it goes? Talk to him? Tell him I will probably never get any better and that he needs to think about if he can handle that. Just feel so uncertain, lost, down, and confused by it all right now.
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MysticAura777
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I’m sooooooo sorry you’re having to go through this ordeal.
You are so young to be afflicted. I send my earnest empathy as I’ve been sick since birth and average 1 diagnosis per year.
I developed CFS around age 25 which then added fibro. I’ve always pushed myself beyond my limits because I was used to it. Then after coming back to the USA from living in Germany I noticed I was losing my strength and everything absolutely exhausted me requiring an absolute period of quiet rest. So not my normal self.
At that time I’d been married 9 years and I too experienced snide/cruel remarks from my hubby.
One time I had overdone so badly that I was able to hear him but not respond; he really berated me then; another occasion I was caring for 6 loved ones simultaneously and actually collapsed onto the floor laying in the hallway no way I could be missed.
My hubby was so nasty and cruel he stepped over me coming/going back/ forth in the hall. He never once spoke to me became upset checked on me he just left the house with me on the floor.
He even forewarned me he was going back to Europe he wasn’t wasting his life like me doing nothing.
Up until 2011 I put up with everything he said did/didn’t do to me because of my stedfast faith…not believing in divorce. I loved my hubby’s parents as my own and would’nt divorce them ever!!!!♥️
My hubby’s dad “Poppa” died from falling hitting his head and causing multiple brain bleeds. His mother has Alzheimer’s & dementia and I’d been caring for them both for years. My hubby was assisting his dad in the nursing home after his accident before he died and refused to help me care for mom after I had a tumor removed from my wrist. I was still doing everything while going to therapy and wearing a traction brace on my hand/wrist.
After 3 months of this I finally had had it. I had married my hubby because I was madly in love; no one ever treated me with such respect kindness and care for the 16 months we’d been married when he was drafted/forced to serve in the Army during the Vietnam War. He served for 3 years.
None of his friends had to go into the military just him. He became bitter vengeful angry and evil. In 2011 I’d been married 32 years and I endured it all but after he stayed away leaving me 24/7 with mom in her demented state and even she was angry at me from her condition I had to put her in the nursing home. I confronted my hubby and told him I was done putting up with his behavior. I didn’t believe in divorce so he could take his belongings and move back into his childhood home 3 houses away. I wasn’t going to destroy myself any longer over his refusal to be the husband he promised to be 32 years earlier. Good news…hubby was convinced I meant what I said We sat down and finally communicated; he went to my doctor visits found out I wasn’t faking lazy worthless… finally validated we’ve lived a blissful endurance of all things good and bad including hubby’s 3 widow maker heart attacks that by His miraculous mercy allowed him to survive. He has multiple health conditions himself now Has even apologized and much empathy now.
I have about 70 confirmed conditions and 3 pending. I developed type 2 diabetes from autoimmune destroyed thyroid brought on by the pandemic stress in 2020.
I’m not telling you my saga to advocate divorce or ending a relationship but to let you know you’re NOT faking lazy or any of the existing negative adjectives anyone labels you with.
I don’t want you to push yourself beyond your health boundaries for someone to mistreat you. Maybe he got jealous over your being compensated/ paid for not having to do the job you were contracted to do.
It would be best to sit down and talk things out. Explain in simple terms without distractions. Be sure to respect one another listen to each other without fighting. If after doing this weigh the pros and cons of whether this relationship is viable or not and go from there. Take him to your GP appointments so he understands you’re not pretending. If having GP problems find a doctor that really cares about you. You deserve this care.
Having type 1 diabetes is extremely difficult and serious. This condition alone should get any partner’s sympathy/compassion.
I hope this was helpful. This is why I’m still alive. I try to help everyone in need by sharing my experiences so others can avoid mistakes/suffering whenever possible.
Please take care be safe. PM me if you’d prefer. My 94 yo blind dad is suffering from Covid bout# 2 in one year and just barely clinging to life …I’m involved with his needs atm but I will reply as soon as I can because I care about and love you/everyone. I pray for every single person’s needs daily.
I’m sorry you’re going through so much. I find that honest communication, without yelling, but actually listening to what each other have to say, is really important. He needs to understand the way he makes you feel, along with how everything else in your life makes you feel, but you also need to understand how the things you do and say make him feel. Your health issues will be impacting on him too. I know that’s what he signed up for, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings about it.
You have been given quite a load to deal with. No one who has not had Fibro can ever imagine what it is like. Some men still think that they are supposed to look after women and your being ill frustrates them as they can't help. Please think hard about where you go from here. Can you see yourself together with him in a few years? Be careful that his treatment does not affect your Mental Health, as you do not need to cope with a breakdown. You say you love him but think carefully about that statement - can you see what life would be like without him. Only you can decided your future. Good luck with choosing what is right with you xx
it’s the time to have a serious chat BUT I know with my hubby we keep It simple so on good days I am green and bad days red and amber so so or changeable like the weather. This helps him as I don’t list things that are not good if I say it’s a red day he knows it’s tough and just checking in or making a cuppa or food if wanted is all I need. Green days we go out maybe to a pub if I can or light a fire in The garden and chat. Sometimes our conditions can be overwhelming for them too and also how to cope and yes can they cope must be in their heads too.
Talking calmly with no accusations is the only way so you can move forward .
My hubby and I have something similar with traffic light days - it can be very hard for the other person who lives with a fibromite. Talking not shouting is good for a relationship though too much of it can be a little wearing. Take care
Hi there MysticAura777, Snarky comments are so tricky aren't they? It's the person receiving them that tends to get called out for being oversensitive when they dare call it out. And so we don't, do we? But of course we should. A nice calm sensible conversation to check in. Are we OK? Maybe he is having a hard time? On a short fuse that day?
I think too often women like to ignore these little signs that maybe something is off and are then devastated when everything falls apart anyway, further down the track. It takes a special kind of person to live with the long term health conditions of a partner. It's not for everyone. Your spidey senses are clearly activated over what BF has said, so I'd say, without accusing etc, for your own peace of mind, have a conversation.
This is not advice you understand? You choose what to do and say. Just once these spidey senses are calling you, shrieking maybe, if you don't listen, and take note; act perhaps, they have a tendency to flare your condition? And then, boyfriend will be commenting more about you being ill, moaning etc. and you both get more of what you don't want. 😉
It is definitely worth talking to him about it , just try to do it in an open , simple , honest and calm way.I've had times when my husband has been far from sensitive , especially before my diagnosis , but he can even be a bit sarcastic occasionally now even though he's usually really helpful and supportive.
I usually discover that he gets like this not because of me , but that he might be feeling a bit low or stressed himself about something , usually work , and he reacts in a negative way .
So. I'd probably ask your boyfriend if he's feeling ok and if there's something troubling him at the moment first.
If there has been give him a hug and tell him he can talk to you anytime about things. Often , even though it's wrong, a loved one or carer can sound resentful to us when it's actually something else that has made them feel resentful.
Then , you can introduce the topic of the weekend with him no matter whether he had been having a problem or not , but in a sensitive way.
You can say , I was wondering if something was up because I'm sure you didn't mean it but you did say a few comments that made me feel a bit upset and I was surprised because you aren't usually like that?
He is likely to ask what , so again , with calmness and positively mention that he had questioned how much you work and probably didn't mean it but said you were lazy at one point.
Now , he may snap or grumble , my hubby sometimes does , but take a deep breath and give it a moment before you respond , as although it isn't an appropriate reaction , the immediate snap is often because they feel angry and guilty at themselves for being mean.
I usually wait and my hubby apologised for both the reaction and comments together , and I say , it's alright , I'm obviously over it now but in future could he try not to make those comments , even as a joke because it isn't easy to see the funny side of it when you wish you weren't having to live with it everyday.
As I say , something like that , open but non combative gets more positive results.
Also , never apologise for having to ask , although you can say I don't want to upset you but...
Because you have nothing to apologise for in those situations , you've done nothing wrong and you have enough to deal with , so the fact that you are willing to have a mature chat about it rather than kicking them in the pants shows just how nice you are.
You can always have a chat about how you have to keep a relaxed balance to your life and have to judge what you can manage each day based on your pain and symptoms, that you know this can be frustrating to others because it frustrates you too , but it's something you just have to be patient with and accept. Then give him a chance , or two , the lesson isn't learnt first time even if the intention is there.
If it turns out that he can't accept this and keeps reacting despite gentle reminders of what you've discussed that's the time to start having serious thoughts about whether things are going to work out , or making firmer rules .
The one thing you can't do is try and push yourself and make yourself more ill just to accommodate someone else's expectations, especially if that person knows that those expectations are unfair to you.
Take care , I'm sure it will work out for you , hugs , Bee
Hi, bit of a late reply sorry. He may have been having a couple of ‘off days’ we all have them. I agree the best thing to do is communicate about it. You can both let one another know how you are feeling and if you both don’t share then it festers and just becomes worse, resentment sets in and the blame game starts. If you are able to be open and honest with each other then it’s a starting point to hopefully resolving things. Thing’s always feel worse when bottling up and you will feel anxious and unsure about your relationship which isn’t good for anyone. I hope things work out and you feel much better afterwards. Take care and I will say I’m glad to hear you say that you refuse to make your self sick for anyone, and rightly so. Having self respect and self esteem should never be underestimated. I learned the hard way. You take care and know your own worth 🤗so important xx
Sounds like an over bearing,insecure and jealous pain in the rear, He started the relationship when you already were sick, So he accepted that you may need his support,
You are a model? So beautiful in every way and you possibly make a better wage and an interesting life, With or without him in it, He should be honoured to be with you on his arm, Selfish little sh3t,
I Can't tell you whether to be with him or not, You need a man who will wake up in the morning,bring you breakfast in bed and tells you how happy he is that you are in his life and how beautiful you are
He should be asking you if there is anything he can do to make your life a little easier, If he continues to be negative and making snarky comments you will become as negative and will feel unwell through stress and worry,
You need to choose a path,
Do you stay in a relationship which may be a waste of time because you will be so sad and just as insecure as him? Believe me when I tell you, you need to make the right choice, I got stuck in a relationship, I was married and had 2 children when I realised how their father had moulded me into a shy,scared and shell of a woman and had 2 more children, I thought it easier to leave the children with him as at the time I was sleeping in my car and no money or job, He was a violent sh3t to me but not the children, He was a good dad and had all the support he needed from his family and they lived in the same street so I wouldn't have got any peace, The man was an absolute arse,
Or you get shot of him and take the other path?
You get on out there doing what you do best and live, you wont be alone, you'll be happy and feel better getting rid of him, I wish the very best for you and your future choice ,
Thanks everyone for the replies. It's made me feel a lot better. I'm going to say something in a calm way at the weekend by bringing it up gently. Forgot to mention his mum use to be a Nurse and is a very caring lady who understands how hard things are for me who thinks I do more than enough, he's very close to her and respects she knows her stuff with Medical things, which is another reason why this sudden change in his attitude seemed weird. I'll talk to him and see how things go. Hopefully he was just having an off couple of days and was feeling stressed as he's usually lovely, think he had a few late finishes last week at work and early starts which may have to got to him. But if he keeps doing it or starts expecting me to push myself and do more than I can manage I won't be sticking around. Thanks for the advice guys I really appreciate it. Hugs to everyone on here.
Hi, he may be he a one off or he was felling out of sorts but differently chat about how it maid you feel rather than lef feeling s get buried within, you are certaintly doing what you can right now, I do feel for you younger people it’s horrid having too juggle these health conditions and sometimes we can only take each day . Have you a good doctor thay you seen recently ?we need a health professional that does understand and provide the listening ear we need. Do you take any medications that help at all, sending my best wishes xx
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Worried sick,gt my atos assessment. on Tuesday.
Time to kick start my life
2015 is the start of my quest for pain relief...
Worried about my job now - warning, rant alert!
