Oh man. So my dog Lexi is wonderful and I adore her. I wouldn’t change her for the world. And I know we’re all still getting used to me being in this much pain. But she just stepped on my foot which is really sensitive and I wasn’t paying attention. I pretty much yelped and that made her jump a mile and I feel so guilty. She didn’t mean to hurt me, and I don’t blame her for a second. She didn’t even put much weight behind it. It just really hurt.
But all that is compounded with us being on holiday. I haven’t been able to do almost anything. We’ve gone out for lunch once and dinner once and each time I struggled to get from the house to the car (thank goodness there are no stairs!) I feel like I’m ruining everyone else’s good time (they’ve told me I’m not and they’re still going out but I feel guilty anyway). I’m just wondering if anyone has any tips on how to deal with the guilt? It could just be an entirely me problem but I’m at a loss for how to deal with it. I am pretty prone to feeling guilty anyway.
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Bluelabelle
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I’m as guilty as hell! I have opted for living alone, not seeing friends and family as I do know I mess things up each time I go for a social event. The guilt does not leave me alone!
On the side, I feel so much pain if somebody comes within a meter of me let alone a dog stepping on my toe despite being a dog lover!
Ive got a 3 year old and a 7 year old who are obviously very hard to keep up with. They watch a lot more tv than they should, it's very hard to not feel guilty!
I have a friend who is more disabled than me, a lot more, she feels no guilt at all. It's just who she is, but unfortunately for her her husband left her for someone else and I think it was in part because she didn't acknowledge all he did for her and their kids. Guilt at least reminds me to check in on my husband and ask him how he is feeling and to say thank you. It can be a useful emotion at times and can help you garner empathy for others, but it can also eat you up and make you even harder to live with.
If you are a person who naturally feels guilty, I am, it's something you probably can't avoid but perhaps you can try and turn it into a more useful emotion? It will also ultimately put you in more pain as low mood enlarges your pain pathways.
When I'm crippled with guilt I try to imagine how I feel about the other disabled people I know and whether I think they should feel ashamed for being ill. It helps put things in perspective bc of course I don't think they should feel guilt or shame, if I can see disability in such a light it helps me forgive myself and realize it's not right I add this to my list of problems!
Remember we grow up in a society that has all these expectations of people in general, which we ultimately fail to achieve it is hard to reconcile these things, it's natural to feel guilt, but it is not your fault.
I’ve never considered guilt as being anywhere near a useful thing before! I’ll have to think about turning it into something useful. That’s really interesting, thank you! You’re right, it’s so easy to see other people shouldn’t be ashamed they’re ill but for yourself it just feels different. Thank you so much!
Obviously I'm not saying its her fault her husband left her, he did everything for her, she hardly moved, he knew how dependant she had become on him in part bc he allowed the situation to happen and then out of the blue he left her and her 2 disabled children for a different woman. Because my friend feels very strongly that no one should feel ashamed that they are disabled she had an expectation she should be looked after but as a result she forgot how hard it is for the carers, she forgot they are in the same prison we are but they don't have to be. Because I feel guilt and shame for being disabled I discuss these feelings with my partner. I ask him to tell me when it's too much, I think its important he has something for himself. Luckily he has a career, so its not just looking after me and the kids all day long. I think bizarrely guilt has led to a stronger relationship, I presume we evolved to feel guilt for a reason!
It's still a dangerous emotion and can contribute to a mental downward spiral. I think it comes from a desire to believe we are in control. When we were "well" and we see people who are achieving less than us, instead of saying to ourselves "they are achieving less than me because they are unlucky enough to be experiencing the realities of how vulnerable our health really is" we say to ourselves "they are achieving less than me because they are inferior to me because I am stronger/more correct/less lazy (or whatever) than them". I think we think this way because it's simply too terrifying for us to contemplate the reality of our fragile existence, we prefer to attach fault as that soothes our believe we can control our realities. Then we get ill and we have to face that reality, even then we prefer to think it's our fault bc that would mean it was still a product of our doing, when in fact "wellness" was only ever a gift of mercy from gods of fortune. Humans can't cope when that illusion is exposed, it takes time to construct a different curtain we can hide behind.
Morning, I’ve known this feeling very well and stopped going with friends , this year I went with hubbie ,daughter @2.young grand boys, I would do what I was comfortable with and sometimes take myself off for a sleep or quiet time in my room, everything was on our doorstep which was handy to get back to the cottage, it just feel into place and everybody did what they wanted, if they are still going out your not spoiling anything, they will be just glad when you join in for a couple hours here and there. Please don’t feel quilty, I looked back and felt pleased that I achieved going and being part of a lovely chilled week, xx
Thank you! I’ll do my best. I’m on holiday with my parents (and Lexi!) which is really nice but I’ll have to work on not feeling so guilty about not joining in as much as I’d like to.
Have you a picture of Lexi ? What part of the Country are you staying in , I hope the weather is nice, it’s been lovely here in Suffolk , September better than August and nice temperatures to cope with.xx
Aww what a dear, I’ve booked to go to Norfolk in a cottage again next year, the travel time will be better, went to Dorset in July 1st time, our journey with the M25 etc took 7 hours 🙁my little grandboys 7 and 4 really did well, I was so glad to get out of the car (we do stop half way) xx
Seven hours?! Wow. I’m glad your grandsons did well with it! I felt like a rusty ironing board all folded up after one hour or so in the car so seven sounds like some kind of endurance sport!
Hi. I totally relate to what you're saying. I feel exactly the same and wonder if people would have a better time if I wasn't there. But then I love and protect my family to the absolute max and I try to be kind and thoughtful (even though I forget so many things) and they just laugh at me cause I get so many things wrong but I've found that just being there to help them and listen when they've needed it, has meant that they have always wanted to spend time with me. My little nan never used to be able to join in with what we were doing (she was very nervous of everything) but she always told me, 'I just love to watch you all having fun' and we loved to spend time with her, I miss her terribly. Just showing love and kindness and being positive (telling them to have a lovely time) even if you cant join in will be more than enough. It is more important that being able to eat out or join in with activities. Regarding your dog....they are so forgiving and loving, she will have forgotten all about it. Try to stay positive as they all love you and try to put yourself in their shoes and see what they are seeing, as I think you will then see that there is no need to feel guilt. 😊
I know exactly what your Nan meant by that, I love watching people have fun as well! I'm glad you had such a lovely time with her. I'm doing my best to be positive, sometimes the pain gets in the way but hopefully overall I can manage. I think Lexi probably has forgotten all about it, you’re right, I’ll try and go a bit easier on myself. I also try to be kind and thoughtful, I’m not sure how much I manage sometimes but it's important to me. Thank you so much for your reply!
I hope it doesn't get you down too much. It is so frustrating but I try to think how I would feel if it was my mum/sister etc. and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I would happily just sit with them and play cards or read books or just chat and laugh over a cuppa instead of going out. I do think we give ourselves the hardest time sometimes and as someone once said to me, how are you going to look after people if you don't look after yourself? It was a really good question and made me really think that it is ok to look after yourself sometimes as well. Be nice to yourself everyday as you are worth it. 😊 Hugs to Lexi.
Firstly don't worry about the dog. Have you never stepped on her foot or tail? She forgave you for that and will forgive you for crying out. As for the guilt. You didn't ask to be ill. It's not your fault.
That’s true, I have stepped on her before. I suppose in a way it was my turn! I always worry the illness is my fault in some weird roundabout way (despite being told it isn’t by a lot of people… I’ll just have to try harder to believe them!) Thank you.
That's how I'm feeling today 😣. I'm feeling tired, fatigue and exhaustion. Back legs are sore and body is hurting. I am wondering and scared how I will cope in work when I return Monday after being off sick for 2 months.
I'm sure your family will understand. What I've learned is to be open and honest with family and friends how I feel. No more apologising as I can't control my pain😥
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