Struggling over this way haven’t posted in a while as things have been all over the place. On the 11th December my sister passed away after battling with cancer. My parents and I had plannned on going up to see her on the 16th as she didn’t live local we had booked a hotel for the night we knew she was declining and wanted to be there for her unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be as she died st 10 am in the 11th my dad called me sobbing down the phone and distraught because they had been out for a meal with age uk who he helps out with arranging walks so they had there Christmas meal when they got home there was a message on the answerphone to call my sisters pastor. He told them she had passed her husband wasn’t at her side in time and it haunts me that we don’t know if anyone was sitting holding her hand or that she was in that room totally alone when she passed. When I was nursing we always had someone sitting with a person that was close to death until relatives arrived. She had been moved the week before to this new place and I am sure if she had still been in the old place they would have phoned us to say to get there. The funeral isn’t until 11th January I can’t bring myself to put decorations or a tree or anything up this year my parents have so much support it’s great to see. We will be spending Christmas Day with my daughter and her husband and my 9 month old grandson that will help I think. I hope everyone else has a lovely Christmas.
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jackie4ball
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My heart breaks 💔 for you dear. I’m so very sorry about your sudden loss of your sister. Please accept my deepest sympathy for you and your family’s loss.
🕊🙏🕊🙏🕊🙏🕊🙏🕊
I understand your cancellation of your Christmas under the circumstances. I did the same thing the year I lost my 12 year old son. It was his favorite time of year and I couldn’t even bear the thought of decorating or even getting gifts that traumatic year.
I’m sending my love ♥️ and supportive hugs 🤗 and I just said a special prayer for you and your family dear.
So so sorry to read your sad news. I can empathise greatly as my OH died (cancer) early December (albeit 6 years ago). I had left him in the care of a good friend (but I know the friend was not in the room when OH actually passed away) whilst I took my mother out shopping. It has taken me many years to forgive myself for not being there at the end, still working on it but it will eventually happen as it will for you. It took me 3 years before I put up anything more than a couple of strings of fairy lights. I rarely bother even now, fibro and OA get in the way.
You have your grandson to remind you that life does go on even though you must feel at rock bottom now. Make sure you get lots of cuddles! I trust you can have a good time with the family and I am certain they will understand if you have sad moments.
Look after yourself and let others make a fuss of you. Give it time, remember the good times and raise a glass to your sister, she is now resting, pain free, at peace.
Thank you for your kind words it is just early days I know today wasn’t a great day but I think Christmas Day with my grandson will help my parents and myself get through without getting upset etc. We may drink a toast to my sister just seems such a long way to the funeral which is the 11th January. I know that is not going to be an easy day. X
My sincere condolences. I lost my brother round about the same time. We had is funeral just last week so can understand how you must be feeling right now. I am glad you have family you can spend the day with it will help I'm sure. 🤗🤗🤗
Yes it does, we had to wait till the New year to Bury my poor dad because he died too close to Xmas. It is never a good time to loose anyone But Xmas has to be the worst time ever xx
Thank you she was my only sibling so it’s been tough. My daughter has been great I have never seen my parents cry in that way and my daughter held it together for the three of us. She did get upset at the end of the day but was just beingbsupportive of us. She has fond memories of staying at my sisters.
Thank you everyone for your very kind words they are very much appreciated so much going on in my head and with the fibro and OA. My pain has been raised. I know there is never a good time but it just seems worse this time of year.
X
Thinking of you at this sad time. I'm sure your sister wouldn't want you to be so sad. She is all around you. I shall say a prayer to help you through.
Thank you Sue I was talking to her yesterday as I am sure she is watching down on us all. She is now out of pain it’s just us that are suffering at the moment I think once the funeral is over things will get a little easier. We knew that she wouldn’t last until Christmas and she was suffering the tumour was so huge at the end that’s only the parts we could see where it was. I just still wish we could have been there with her holding her hand when she left and I think that’s something we will never know whether she was alone as it seemed to happen so fast at the end took us all by total surprise.
I’m sorry for your loss as an ex nurse myself, I learnt that sometimes the person wants to be on their own when they die, you can sit holding someone’s hand all day but the moment you step out the room for a second they pass away. So don’t beat yourself up over it, sounds to like to me she didn’t want to put you through seeing her pass on.
Would she want you not to celebrate Christmas? It’s hard I know, and iits all raw at the moment, just do what you feel is right, if you want to know if she was alone ohone the place she was in and ask.
I too used to be an ex nurse and my first ward I worked on was cancer but it was many years ago now. I think she would want us to have a good day on Christmas Day but I just can’t do all the tree and trimmings etc this year I just feel it would be wrong but my daughter has the tree up and everything and we are spending Christmas Day there so I think it will be a good day not a sad one I am sure we will say a prayer to her before we eat lunch and a toast to her. Thank you for your words xxx
So sorry to read this Jackie. Take one day at a time, it's hard I know. Could you face putting a photo of her up with some tinsel and a candle in remembrance perhaps? Everyone feels grief differently and copes in their own way. She wouldn't want to see you so upset. Gentle hugs. x
Thank you my parents have many photos up and we have been talking about her and things we did as children. My son in law played a song the other day that my grandson likes to dance to and it was a song my sister first loved when she was probably around 5ish and I said that to my daughter and they then felt guilty I said no because it’s a good memory and I could picture everything. I think it’s when everyone avoids talking about the person that makes it uncomfortable xxx
That is so sad😢, I'm so sorry for your loss, your sister will be at peace now and pain free, I'm sure she knows you were all on your way to her, try not to be too hard on yourselves I'm sure your sister wouldn't want that, I really do hope you get through this holiday time as best you can as a family and Im sure your sister will be with all of you. God Bless.xx
Bless your poor breaking heart. How kind you have been to others in need, only to be denied the chance to do for your own. Please take comfort, I don't believe anyone dies alone. Our loved ones are going home. Home to their other family and friends gone on before them.
I have noticed, sometimes, a dying person finds dying really hard. Not painful or dreadful, I don't meant that, but heart-breaking to leave their loved ones behind and leave them sad. They can't bear to see it? Does that make sense? They are the ones that don't/wont wait for the family to arrive or that during a comfort break, they sneak off to heaven. And the poor family berate their teeny bladders or their need otherwise, to attend their poor feeble living bodies. They should have been there, shouldn't they?
Don't be sad for not being there. I suspect there will have been a crowd anyway, and had you seen, you would have said ooh look there's aunty, or grandad, or lovely mrs doings, from next door from when we were kids. Maybe you would have see the angels too? Who were there, just for her. The nurse holding her hand and attending her, isn't near as important as the loved ones who take her hand and lead her away. And they will have been there.
Concentrate on the living now. So, you wont put up trimmings at home, this year, but with the family, will you fix your heart and head and be there? properly? Love those left, like you know they need to be loved? You can't fix that day you weren't there. Who knows, maybe it was fixed behind the scenes for you guys not to be there at the end? But your little family have asked you to be present. They need you. Likely they need to be there for you too.
Often when we lose someone, we look to whether we were good enough, where we failed. We justify our feelings and pain. We chide ourselves for any cross words and on and on, when none of it is changeable now. All you can do is remember, to be your best self when you are with others.
Grandma has time for the children, mum has time to listen even now her kids are grown. And the grown up kid, takes time for her aging parents and starts to understand them a little more. She takes time to notice because she knows love and care in the moment, is everything.
Life distracts us with so much stuff that is meaningless. In time we see through these distractions and remember to be where we are and bring the love. No more fretting on the past and what should have been. It is just time to be. And be your best loving self in each moment. When you do that, you will find you need to laugh, to be happy, to cry sometimes, but always to be love. Wishing you a real Christmas. Full of love.
Your words echo everything I have been thinking and feeling so thank you it was so sweet to read. I do feel guilt I think part of me wanted to be there with her but a part of me was dreading it as my parents had seen her the week before and she had deteriorated so much in a week and I wanted to picture her in my mind as she was before she was ill not how she would have looked when she passed as I know how cruel cancer can be it had already taken away most of her dignity but she didn’t want to die she was frightened and I think that’s what bothered me she hadn’t accepted it the last time I saw her and kept asking what we were doing for christmas and we couldn’t answer because we knew she wouldn’t be here and she was we would have been sitting next to her. When I was nursing cancer patients many years ago not one of them hadn’t accepted that they were going to pass. Maybe she did at the end and just drifted into sleep.
I did my good deed yesterday for my 97 year old neighbour she had fallen over and couldn’t get up off the floor. She didn’t want me to call an ambulance or make a fuss and she shuffled back and forth so many tones on her bottom between her front and back foot but she just couldn’t reach the knobs to unlock the doors. Meals on wheels had just left her dinner on the doorstep she is fairly deaf and very proud. She tried so hard but after two hours shouting to her through the letterbox and phoning her daughter leaving messages I had to call in help so first we had a paramedic who asked me questions etc then we ended up with the fire brigade as I said we couldn’t leave her on the floor any longer she would forget each time she went to her back foot and she would say she would go to the front door. In the end the fire brigade got us in and I went through her phone book as I wasn’t sure if I had the right number for her daughter and found a mobile number so called that explained the situation and then let her talk to paramedic, cleaned up the glass. Then we waited for daughter to arrive and when she did she didn’t come in and give her mum a hug or say are you ok she started yelling at her telling how she had put us all out and what a fuss she had caused was she happy now I was so embarrassed for my neighbour and angry at the daughter because no matter what she is her mother. I didn’t feel put out. They had to call an ambulance as the paramedic wasn’t happy with her BP etc I had a knock on the door after I had come out of the way and it was one of the ambulance men asking what I had heard as they had concerns and I made it clear I wasn’t impressed. So hopefully something will be sorted. Suffering for it now though my back and knees are killing me.
Anyway sorry to waffle on again thank you for your kind words everyone on here has been so lovely. I live not far from a lady on here called Tulips123 but haven’t heard from her in a while so must try and go and see her in the new year. I find it very difficult to go out on my own these days and tend to stay indoors unless someone is with me. But I think I need to try and change that somehow in the new year.
Sincere condolences for your loss, losing someone you love at any time is awful but near to Christmas it does make you feel like not celebrating at all. Have you considered speaking with Samaritans or Cruse Bereavement about how you are feeling as this may help a little.
I completely understand how you must be feeling. We all grieve differently so if you cannot do Christmas this year others will understand x
Thank you everyone for your support. My parents and I spent Christmas Day with my daughter her husband and my 9 month old grandson and seeing him helped all of us get through the day we just have to get to the 11th January new for the funeral. But the support on here has been overwhelming so thank you all may you all have a happy and relatively pain free 2019 . Xx
My sisters funeral was last Friday the 11th January exactly a month to the day she died. It was a very tough month for my parents and myself and seemed a very long month. I think we are all relieved it is over with and we have a little bit of closure now. Not that she will ever be forgotten but we all felt like we were living in limbo and it was upsetting my mum and me thinking of her body being in a freezer somewhere even though we know her spirit has left the body it’s just this awful thought like she had been forgotten.
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