Is anyone else made to feel bad by family members for not being well enough to help elderly parents?

[Sick_and_tired_girl]

Hi,

I'm feeling very down about family interactions because my elderly parents, with their own health issues, and other family members who live away, all expect me to visit regularly and help with housework. I just am too ill to do it. I've been ill for 15 years and lost a job I loved because I was too ill to continue. When I do visit, it is a complete emotional drain for me as every conversation seems constructed to make me feel guilty. Rarely am I asked how I am? I come away exhausted and am usually confined to bed the next day. I take them to to their hospital appointments when I can. They really need to get a cleaner to help them cope, but they refuse to.

Does anyone else have similar problems and any suggestions as to how to manage their unrealistic expectations of help from me? I just feel awful about it all.

[Sweetybump]

Sounds like you need a very straight clear the air conversation and if that is not accepted, then distance yourself for a while. Sounds like emotional blackmail to me, and you are worth more than that x

[Sick_and_tired_girl in reply to Sweetybump]

Thanks sweety bump, much appreciated. I have told them to stop trying to make me feel bad, but then they just turn round and try and make me feel worse about confronting them. Then later on they deny anything ever was said.

I wish I had more energy and less pain to try and cope better with this stuff. I used to be strong, capable and confident in myself, not anymore.

[cheerichick]

Yes unfortunately I have the same problem. I have recently fallen out with my mum as all she does is shout at me. I've had enough. My brother told her fibromyalgia is only stress. They have no clue as to the pain I live with every day as do us all with fibromyalgia. I really feel for you. People tend to look at us and think we are fine but have no idea what goes on inside and the pain , fatigue and lack of sleep. I wish you all the best x

[Sick_and_tired_girl in reply to cheerichick]

Thanks cheerichick for your reply. It helps to know I'm not alone in this, but I am sorry to hear your situation. Compassion sometimes seems hard to find.

[Dinkie]

Call a family meeting. Suggest that as nobody else seems able to help you propose to get Social Services involved to help put together a plan to meet your parents' needs. That should shake them up a bit and make them realise you mean what you say that you can't be responsible for all their care but are willing to help out occasionally when your health allows. I am in a similar position and just working up to phoning my brother to suggest that he might like to do the next round of hospital appointments for our mother.

[Sick_and_tired_girl in reply to Dinkie]

Hi Dinkie, thanks for your reply. That's a good idea, I think it would focus minds greatly.

[Dinkie in reply to Sick_and_tired_girl]

Hope it helps. The meeting doesn't need to be confrontational or get that way. If you go down this route make some notes beforehand and rehearse what you want to say and try to ensure that nobody speaks over someone else and that everybody has an input that way nobody should feel railroaded into something they disagree with. Good luck let us know how things go.

[Jaxxf]

Hi, it sounds like they don't "hear" what you are saying cos they can't see you are ill. How about putting in a letter instead? I know when things are sometimes hard to say a letter is a better way than verbal.

Don't feel guilty for looking after you first, you would be zero help to them if you made yourself more ill with the stress of it all -I agree with others about distancing for a while if you need to. Take care x

[Sick_and_tired_girl in reply to Jaxxf]

Thanks Jaxxf! It is very hard not to feel guilty about it all, but you are correct. The stress of it all has landed me back in bed again after a bad night, so I'm no use to anyone today. A letter would take less out of me than direct meeting.

[Bobby16]

I know how you feel. My family interactions have gone straight down the pan the past two years. Luckily my family are understanding. I still feel awful when I can't over them support when they need it. I try but I feel it's just not good enough and I'm letting them down.

[Bobby16]

You know my mum who is 76 and cares for my younger brother . She is finally getting it. Now she tells me, I know you can't come often like you use to but please phone. I phone most days but sometimes I don't even have the energy to talk to anyone, not even my mum. Fibromyalgia is ruthless no doubt.

[Sick_and_tired_girl in reply to Bobby16]

Bobby16, do you know what helped make your Mum understand better?

[Bobby16 in reply to Sick_and_tired_girl]

I think she has watched me struggle so many times she now realises is something that isn't going to go away.

[hebden]

I understand what you mean. I too lost a job I loved because of this damned condition. I have an elderly father who is independent and very stubborn but also vulnerable and becoming prone to falls. He doesn't understand my conditions at all no matter how many times I try to explain and he never asks how I am. He makes out to people that he never gets help etc but he never tells me what is going on in his life. He has had a couple of falls lately and I didn't know until after he had got back from the hospital. He then makes me feel like a bad uncaring daughter. He told people he got a bus up to the hospital when he cracked his head open but thats because I knew nothing about it until he phoned me to say he was back from the hospital after having stitches. My Dad will moan to me about what needs to be done (garden, decorating etc) but when either I or my sons offer to help he makes excuses about having to go out or not being ready. My brother lives too far away to be helpful if needed in a crisis so its left to me to feel guilty. I just don't have the energy most of the time. I can't even sort my own house out without struggling.

You said what it is.....unrealistic expectations. I hope I never get like this with my own children. hugs Joolz.x

[Sick_and_tired_girl in reply to hebden]

Hi Joolz, your father and mine sound very similar! Mine seems to take pleasure in finding things to feel sorry for themselves about. I've tried to organise a cleaner for them, offered to help sort paperwork etc, but like you always turned down. They never tell me what is happening either. I dread to think what they tell others about me too.

[TillyT68]

Both my parents died young so this particular problem thankfully won't ever arise for me.

But having had depression for years I have had the problem of getting family in particular my sister-in-law to understand and accept how dibalating an 'invisible' illness can be.

I can't remember now how it came about but I remember one night actually sitting and talking to her openly and calmly and in the end she actually apologised and said she hadn't realised.

My diagnosis of fibro is only recent.. Only officially diagnosed less than a week and I haven't really discussed it with anyone yet. I've told my niece who understands it's completely and will be telling my younger brother this next weekend but thankfully by Rheumatologist gave me a booklet about Fibro from arthritis UK so I'm going to use that to help explain it to people.

Failing that I could always take a sledgehammer and hit them on various parts of the body and say.. Hey that's what fibro feels like 24/7 🤔

[Sick_and_tired_girl in reply to TillyT68]

Thanks TillyT68. I love your sledgehammer idea to improve communication 😀!!!!!