Hello everyone
I hope everyone is well and have had a lovely weekend
A quick question can you ask for any advice on here even if isn't health related
Because when I've needed help and advice I get it your all like family and I really need advice at the moment
I'm sorry if not xxxx
Hi Claire91
I sincerely hope that you are feeling as well as you possibly can be today?
Most members ask questions that are not Fibro related from time to time so please feel free my friend?
I want to sincerely wish you all the best of luck and please take care of yourself my friend.
All my hopes and dreams for you
Ken x
Basically I have two children eldest is 7 and youngest is 3 I'm not with their dad anymore he is in a new relationship and they have a child together and I'm in a new relationship I have never been happier
There's a lot to this story get comfortable haha
Anyway he sees the boys twice a month that's it picks them up on a Saturday at 12 and drops them back at 5:30 on the Sunday! And that will be it then till the next time.. now my oldest is starting to ask questions like why don't Dad take me and my brother on holiday with him don't he like this he takes his little sister( him and partner have a baby together) my boy says things like that and it honestly breaks my heart I've told his dad that he is asking questions like and his dad blames me because he pays child maintenance he says he can't afford to take them away which is total rubbish!
He don't like paying for his children which is disgusting why should he not pay for his children things aren't free school uniforms cost a arm and a leg as it... recently he has been letting me down about having the boys and it's becoming beyond a joke it's got to the point where I can't make plans and now he says why is it every time I need to change you have plans of course I'm going to make plans for the night that he has them why wouldn't I!! But he thinks I shouldn't and I should make plans where I can take the children
I said to him today that I have plans so he will have to make other arrangements his end as it's his weekend to have them.. and then he turned horrible some of things he was saying were disgusting honestly..saying how I dress the boys is disgusting they are dressed as if no one owes them okay I don't put them in their best clothes but I definitely don't put them in dirty clothes why the hell would I! He should provide clothes for them when the boys out at his house I'm not sending them to a babysitter house
Then his partner decided to have her say basically calling me a bad parent how I'm a lair how I stopped him from seeing the boys years ago, I did stop him but only because he wasn't paying for them and even when he did have the boys the boys wasn't seeing him!
All that they do is bring up the past!!! It's so hurtful I've moved on from the past He done bloody worse to me than what I did to him I mean he left me when I was 7 months pregnant and he wasn't at either of the births if anyone should be bringing up the past than it should be me but I'm happy with my life I don't understand why they constantly bring it up! It's not him it's her they both constantly call me a bad mum all the time
I'm the person bringing up his children the best I can he should have respect for me shouldn't he?
His own parents say what a credit the boys are to me!!! Not to him to me!! So I can't be doing a bad job
Today just got worse my dad picked the boys up from his Mum house because he had work till after 5:30 and his mum wanted to go out around the pubs so we had to pick the boys up at 12
My oldest took a PlayStation game to his dad and he forgot it!! So on the way home from my mums My oldest wanted to get it so he went to their house and he was there baring in mind that he told me that he was at work it was dead on half 5 that's why he couldn't have the boys till 5:30 while we was at my Mum house My oldest called him twice to ask about the Game we didn't get a call back! When My son knocked on the door My partner said that he seen The boys dad look out of the window and he was on the phone!!! How dare he ignore my son! Makes me so flaming angry!! Also my son told me that daddy smokes( he only smokes weed) so he has witness that... My boys have to sleep on the floor at his house! Oldest in a sleeping bag and Youngest has a bed made up with pillows on the floor!!! Honestly I'm fuming I'm so so close to exploding I'm not even joking I think enough is enough now
How can he ignore his own son how can he do that to him! I can't let the boys get hurt I can't allow it to happen! I'm going to stop him from seeing the boys and if he really cares then he would put up a fight
Please someone else tell me what they would do?
I'm so sorry it's so long xxx
Hi again Claire91
I am so genuinely sorry to read this and it is an awful situation for you and your children to be in. I cannot tell you what to do but I can give you my opinion on what I would do in that situation. I would put my children first and foremost, and although it would be painful for them to start with I would not let my children be exposed to somebody who uses drugs in front of them! It is not just a criminal act it is grossly inadequate parental care on his behalf. Can you imagine what their school would say? What social services or authorities would say if they knew?
Hopefully other members will come along later and have a more balanced answer than mine as I feel very irate that a father would use drugs in front of his children.
I want to sincerely wish you all the best of luck and please take care of yourself my friend.
Al my hopes and dreams for you
Ken x
Hi Claire, this is always a difficult situation and from what you said you dont really care about what he says about you but when it reflects on your boys your hackles go up in protection, of course they do you are their mum. Hard as it may be you cannot ever stoop to his level, dont say things about him to your boys , it is not fair on them to be doing a tit for tat when obviously you are being bad mouthed by him and his partner. The best thing you can do without his involvement is doing what your doing and be a brilliant mum, make sure your boys know 1 million % that you are there for them and never allow any doubts to creep in to there little heads about that security. When he lets them down even if they dont say anything it will hurt them, but you must NEVER even mention that you will now have to cancel or change your arrangements because that will make them feel that THEY are a problem, to him because he lets them down and to you because you have had to change what you had planned. When he does that to them try your best to give them a great weekend, but not one where you spend money or spoil them because that makes it a reward for him letting them down, but a great afternoon in the park or a walk in the woods doesnt cost anything and it gives them what they need most right then which is love and re assurance. It is always tempting to try and compensate when your kids are let down but dont turn it into a competition of we will have a better time than when you are at your dads. From the sound of it the woman is the main problem, whether that is jealousy or insecurity or finance based is not your problem but he should not make it your kids problem either, yes he has another part of a family but his time with your boys should be inclusive not a seperate thing on the weekends he has them. The 3 year old is probably quite confused by all the roles being played out and as he grows up and goes to school etc that will become more so, but dont make the mistake of assuming he understands or that his dad explains to him, consider it your job and then you know its done right. Always always answer their questions honestly but without digging at him, i know that can be hard when you see your kids hurt and your fuming but then it becomes you bad mouthing him and him bad mouthing you in retaliation and your kids become the battlefield. Dont let that happen, if they come back with dad says this or she says that say to them "well if i have something to say i will say it to your dad" but do say to them "ok your dad says i dont do this or that is that what you think/feel etc?" ask them what their opinion or feelings are, it is far better that they talk to you about their little and big concerns than bottle it up. Two of the greatest things any parent can give their kids is the importance of honesty and knowing that they can talk to you about ANYTHING, with honesty they also learn right from wrong but if for example something gets broken and they own up then say "thank you" to them for being truthful, make sure your kids know that whatever goes on with their dad or at school or elsewhere that the important thing is telling you so that it can be put right, that way if either of them slip into say a destructive phase for example you will know why rather than finding broken things that no one owns up to and an upset kid. This is sometimes going to be tough on you as they grow up, on you and on them. But you know what? from what you say you sound like a pretty great mum and at the end of the day all any of us can do as parents is love our kids and do the best we can. From what you have written you are already doing both....so keep it up.
Blessings Leon.
Hi hun- its difficult to offer advise for fear of causing problem, you must have a social worker and a health visitor who could intervene if you let them. Ther used to be Child support Agency who have the right to look into your X finances, they would arrange a credit check including any bank accounts he might be involved in, attach an earnings deduction via taxation, not sure if they are still around, as for the kids asking about holidays, IF his new partner has any form of income he could claim she pays for them!
I would ask the kids if they really want to carry on seeing their father and whatever you do don't use them as a go between that could back fire on you big time.
I'm from the US where pot smoking is getting approved in many states as medicine and isn't a crime anymore. If it's legal to smoke pot in the state you and your ex are in, then it's okay for the children to see your ex smoking. But you also have the problem of his lying about being home or not plus his not being interested in being with them when he could be. You have to decide if you can trust him to care for the children properly or not. I doubt he will go through the courts to get more time with the children because he doesn't appear to be interested. Are the children safe with him or will he pass them off to someone else because he wants to go somewhere he can't take them? You must decide about their safety at all times.
We live in England and it's against the law to smoke pot and i don't want my children around that they shouldn't have to witness that! He doesn't care so what's the point in the boys going round there when to be honest they don't really want to! How him and his ex speak to me is disgusting they obviously hate me and I haven't done anything wrong I've always encouraged the boys and their dad to have a bond but I'm done trying because I feel like they take my kindness for a weakness
I honestly don't know what to do but I think deep down I know that he don't care and that's heartbreaking xx
Morning the nicest thing with this site as always been that we can ask for help or advice even if it has nought to do with health issues. Probably most questions do relate to our heALTH AND WELL BEING . So never worry just pose your query and see what happens.
Good luck xGinsing
My goodness you have explained your position and it makes me cringe for you.
I cannot tell you what to do however, my first instinct is to ensure the children are safe warm , fed well and happy.
It sounds as if you are providing all the love and happiness they need. You are probably wishing for a day off- be patient time will eventually be in your favour when they are both a little older.
If you are having trouble with your ex husband make an appointment with say Citizens advice so you know where you stand legally. If you want to change the time and slots your ex has with the children it can be done. Easiest if you can actually sit and talk together but if not through a legal team .
In order 1. The children need to be happy - fed well- feel secure and loved and know where they are going to be every day.
I am not a solicitor nor a doctor just a concerned worn friend so please do not take what I say as gospel they are just my thoughts!
Take care
xGinsing
I try my hardest to keep him in the loop of everything the boys do I send him pictures and I get no response! It's like he is trying his best not to get on with me maybe for the sake of his own girlfriend I just don't know!
I've got to the point where I don't care about having a night off from the boys I don't care about that all I want is my boys to be happy and I truly believe they're more happy being with me and my family
Xx
Bless you Claire, speaking for myself you can ask me anything and if i am able to help with my 56 years of making mistakes and learning from them i would be delighted. If you didnt want to put about your smelly feet (yes ive heard lol) etc on the open forum please feel free to p.m me. Hope you find the answers your looking for.
Blessings, Leon.
i would arrange a meeting with my ex on neutral territory to arrange further contact. I perhaps would put it in writing. I would not be comfortable with my Children staying over anywhere where I felt they would be at risk of neglect, emotional hurt, and bad influence ( witnessing drug taking) Perhaps renegotiate days only, if your ex and partner miss their slot for that month it moves to the next. Emphasise what ever you feel about each other it's the kids that should be considered. He may decide to cut contact or stop paying maintenance, but some relationships are toxic and no amount of money is worth maintaining them. I would seek to try to get counselling for my kids though, as emotionally they must be finding their dads indifference to them hurtful.
Really good point there about the kids possibly needing counseling due to noticing their dad's indifference regarding visits with them.
Me and my ex can't be in the same room as each other on his own! My partner trust me and know it's purely about the boys with me! I don't understand why all they do is bring up the past the past is the past why can't they get over it? The boys come back and look like they haven't even slept it's heartbreaking all I want is for him to care and he just don't xxx
Claire,
I'm not an attorney, but it sounds like you need to change the visitation agreement and possibly do it legally? Only you know whether this is best or if you should just quietly not make the boys available to your ex. The drug smoking is illegal and you're saying the children don't seem properly cared for. This is very important that they not go to your ex. While he's doped up anything could happen to them. IMHO they shouldn't return to your ex for their own safety. How you manage to do this is up to you.
Thank you 😊 xxx
Hi,
Just to let everyone know that in the mid 1990's scientists found that that every species on Earth, humans included, have an Endocanebanoid System. It regulates all our other systems e.g. Nervous System, Digestive System etc
Cannabis is made up of two chemicals CBD (not psychoactive) & THC (is pschoactive & makes one high) which The Endocanebanoid System has receptors for. Unfortunately, it is illegal in this country.
Hemp is Cannabis's cousin & is Legal in this country. It has CBD & THC below 0.2%. There are CBD oils now retailing in the U.K. Which helps a great many illnesses. Google "Your illness + CBD" to see if it would help your condition.
I don't smoke it & never have done. However, I do take CBD Oil derived from Hemp orally & placing drops under my tongue.
The point to the above is that perhaps you should find out why he is smoking pot, as it maybe because a illness he is perhaps suffering with & smoking helps.
Why not tell him about Hemp & CBD Oil which he could change to rather than smoking pot. If he doesn't want to take the oil then perhaps he could smoke an e-cig with CBD Oil. If you do not want him smoking an e-cig around the children then perhaps he could smoke it outside or in the bathroom with the door closed.
Hope this helps in some way.
Hello Claire. I was pregnant and homeless. My ex and I had a residential care home, we employed a friend. She had an affair with him and he asked me to get an abortion. I left with nothing then when my son was born he tried to get him taken off me saying I was an unfit mother. He put in a court case for contact even though he was seeing his child. His solicitor told me he was doing it to stop finances being sorted out and then he withdrew representation for my ex. My ex left me with debts and bought himself a mail order bride from the Philippines. At the end of the day its not about money, contact or possessions. It's about the other party wanting control. I gave my ex everything he wanted in the end he didn't want contact, he just wanted the fight to feel like he'd won when I wasn't even fighting with him. He said I'd taken his child away from him. Bit difficult not to as I was pregnant. He wanted to be seen as the hurt party. Whatever arrangements you come to with you ex it's the kids that's most important. Divorce/separation doesn't hurt kids but conflict does. I feel for you because your having to deal with small children who want to see their dad and don't have the emotional intelligence yet to deal with the problems that you have. The only advice I can offer is to not let your ex know if you have any plans for the time they should be with him as he will use that against you. Also if he does let the kids down find somewhere fun to take them for the day and make it about them. It doesn't have to cost much. I use to take my son to the Media Museum because it was free. He's now just graduated in Film and TV production. My son didn't see his dad from two till he was nine and then decided he didn't want to. It's hard to get a balance when there's emotions involved. When things go wrong try to sit and not think for a while. Watch a movie and chill out. Don't react immediately because that's what your ex wants. I found that out the hard way. I decided to talk to him nicely, asking how he was and being friendly towards him. It defused any conflict and confused the hell out of him. He eventually stopped his games because there was no fight. Sorry its long winded. I hope this helps and makes sense. Many blessings for a peaceful heart and mind xxx
I am sorry I cannot help you personally but I have read the answers here and there are some important and very relevant points. I agree with Sheila-Squirrel that it is about control and being spiteful with you.
I would keep up the family visits with his parents if they want you to continue, it seems they are on your side and it is not their fault their son is acting like a prize pratt.
Perhaps you need to get legal advice and make the visits and finances more defined.
I hope you get it sorted to everyones benefit.
Kay
It sounds like he is projecting his inadequacies back onto you. Also if he is a long time pot smoker then this can have an effect on mental health so his behaviour could be even more unreasonable as a result. It sounds highly unlikely that he is going to sit down and have an adult conversation with you and put the kids well-being first so I would suggest you give consideration to going down the mediator/legal route. I would also make sure you keep a record of every thing he says and does, from the nasty insults to the times he lets down the kids etc as this may prove very useful in future. Take care and good luck. x
Hi, so sorry you are having to endure all of what you said. Me and my ex thankfully each put our three first and never had anything like this. But my daughter did with her ex and my granddaughter. As grand parents we both actually agreed and suggested to our daughter to cut contact as he was alway letting granddaughter done (taking new family on holiday but not his first child!) it hurts granddaughter and daughter dreadfully. But my girl decided to continued the dad daughter relationship. Well that little girl is now a young woman and her dad is still a bully and letting her down but now she refuses to have contact. But it emotionally kills her. Now my daughter is saying she wishes she HAD stopped all contact.
Look there is no right or wrong way. Bottom line do what keeps you family safe. Perhaps ask your son if he wants to go each week and see how he is really feeling. No one can make the choice for you my love but ask yourself this. How best can I protect my child until he is old enough to protect himself!
Remain blessed and as well as possible. Always here x
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