Hello out there, (desperation in her voice)
I'm 30, in an 80 year olds body.
I'm aching. My body or my mind? I can't tell but it hurts. My heart is breaking before my eyes. I see that. Why am I not how I was?
There it is, that deep burning ache, that pain almost makes me feel numb. Numb to bones. The jabs, twitches and spasms. That zip of 'nothing' ambles through my body as and when it pleases. Headache today.. On top of my Jaw, hip and back pain. The throb. Here today, maybe gone tomorrow. Maybe not.
The 'unnecessary' noises that flood my brain, the flood rises, creates a fog..
In the mist I can't see the picture, can't understand the question, I cant work out what you mean as you're speaking to me.. I can hear you next to me. I can hear the repetitive tapping of road works in the distance as if the maintenance men were in my ear, I hear the beginnings of an argument about to occur between my squabbling children, I hear the text come through from work, once, twice... The kettle boiling, the phone ringing, the neighbours cat flap, the dripping tap. What were you saying?
I might explode, you'd see shards of frustration and splats of shame. Splinters of anger. Puddles of self pity instantly sucked greedily from the ground by guilt.
I don't want to go out, I'm too tired to play, the trampoline will have to wait.. Give me five minutes kids.. Please. I am unable to proceed but can't stop, can't relax. Restless legs.. That's the polite way of saying it.
I'm sitting in the sun, my fingers are stiff and ever so slightly blue.
I'm sitting down after sweeping the floor, resting after putting the Hoover round. Yes I feel lazy, yes it is embarrassing...
Not as embarrassing as cancelling our arrangements again, forgetting their birthday, not calling you back. Not as embarrassing as snoring louder than a hog, persistent perspiration or wetting myself in public..
I'm grumpy and negative today 'not my usual self'.. Are you sure?
I'm sure I'm losing my mind...
My doctors says "sounds like you've got fibromyalgia"
I have to stop typing, I have pins and needles