Hello! Again 🥴 bit of a vent, secretly hoping someone out there has some advice but if not, I’ll feel better for just getting it out.
I posted for the first time recently on my mental health during TTC. My husband and I have been trying for 7 months with no luck yet, and my mental health has taken a beating even during this very first hurdle.
I’m waiting on the results of some basic bloods I paid for privately. My mental health has improved since my initial post, however my husbands has really declined. Due to the pressure around sex during fertile window, he’s found himself experiencing performance anxiety, and in turn has knocked his confidence to the point that he’s not down for doing the deed. I feel terrible because I feel part of this is my fault. I’ve been an emotional wreck and he said he feels like he’s letting me down.
I’ve been able to nudge him into therapy, he has his first appointment next week. I’ve made it super clear that for both of our sakes we will stop all this “trying during fertile window” and just go back to have sex when we want to. But I can’t help but feel panicked that in the meantime, while he gets the support he needs, I’m now potentially going to not be able to try for a baby when we need to. But I can’t voice this in fear of hindering him further.
I really hope I haven’t broken him. I hope this is temporary. I never wanted this
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LanaLoo742
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There’s so much pressure involved in this process! You are young and have time
A few months off focusing on the fertile times is not long in the big scheme of things and might be just what you both need to just relax and get back to enjoying life and each other.
And you never know, you might just get the timing perfect without even thinking about it 💫
Hey! Thank you, I’m honestly annoying myself at this point so I know for sure I must be annoying to the internet 🙃 I’ve never ever known something to put so much strain on a person - and as you say, we are youngish and not in the trenches as many lovely couples are. I think I might need help toughening up.
Please be kind to yourself x that’s what the forum is for ❤️ it’s something you can’t understand until you experience it.
You don’t need to toughen up. Just take a breath and have faith you will be a mum one day 🙌💫
Hi LanaLoo, so sorry to read this. It’s such a stressful time for both of you. If it helps I’ll explain what worked best for us - so I was always aware of the peak times but didn’t make the point of telling my husband. I would just try to initiate things more in that time. That took the pressure off a little and meant things still felt natural. For my husband, he needed to know I wanted to have sex with him, not just make a baby.
I think remove all the pressure on the both of you for the short term. Try not to worry as you have time, and you are being pro-active by doing the blood tests. Xx
Thank you for your kind reply 🫶🏻 I wish I had done this from the get go to be honest - but we were both excited to try and he wanted to be involved. Turns out that was an error, but we weren’t to know I guess. I think I just have to ride the wave, I just wish it didn’t hurt this much ya know? xxx
Totally get it, we were the same but very quickly it got stressful. So I changed tactics. I also found he would pick up on my stress about it, so I stopped using the ovulation sticks and just tried to roughly time it right. It’s such a tough thing to go through as a couple, and we have had real lows with it but we get through them. Just keep talking to each other and trying different things to help. All will be ok xx
We had it at some point too. Sex on the specific time, date etc is just stressful and takes all the fun from it. I would say - men are simple. You can still "get" what you want without stressing him out that he HAS to perform or everything is doomed. Not sure if only my husband is like that but I was starting dropping gentle hints, gestures etc before we had to do it in the specific window, just so he would get in the mood knowing that I am in the mood so it all is more natural than - you have to do me now! 😆 even if on your side in your head it can be more specific baby making driven it is still good to try to keep the balance. Do the deed but more pleasant? And yes, I seduced my husband so many times during very specific fertility window just so we could still have a go at trying without telling him - if we do it now we might finally make a baby.
P.S. I was not tricking him into making a baby, we both want it but he couldn't bear the clinical, technical dates, windows etc
Haha, men are very simple creature's, you’re spot on 😂 I think he’s gotten so in his head now that just the thought of even trying to do the deed is freaking him out. I actively asked if he wanted to have sex the other night and he said no. Which is soooo unlike him - before all this TTC I could barely finish the question before he said yes lol. I feel responsible for breaking him 🥲 xxx
They sure are! And this is why we love them 😀 maybe give him some time, tell him that it's ok to maybe not try for some time and just have fun like before. I would put like small gestures, gentle physical touch just to bring more romance in between so it's more relaxed. What works for my husband is sometimes specific clothes, movements, gestures etc and after 11 years together he can tell when I am seducing him but he still plays along but calls me on that 😆 like if I "accidentally" bump on him, or some cheesy one like oh no I dropped something on the floor - legally blond style 🤣 but me make some jokes and it comes so fun and natural and stress free
I love that 😂 thank you for your advice and tips I really appreciate it. I’m going to take him away for the night at the weekend I think. We can’t outrun our issues but I think sometimes just getting out of the house can help! Xx
We've been in the trenches for 3 years now. We had the exact same issue where knowing he needed to perform put too much pressure on him.
We've gone through different stages where I've not told when I was in my fertile window, then when he started getting clued up on how cycles work and he would ask if it was my fertile window, I'd tell a little white lie and say we weren't at peak fertility yet (we used to use the digital clearblue ovulation tests).
Now we're up to our necks in IVF, so we've stopped tracking ovulation just to give me a break. It's now my turn to feel broken, I think there's been so much pressure for so long, and sex to me now symbolises.my failure to get pregnant. So it's now me who cant bring myself to do it, he's lucky now if he gets some action once a month 😂
The point I'm trying to make is that struggling to conceive is likely to affect every single person at one point or other during the journey. It sounds like you're doing everything you can, with him going to counselling etc. going away for a weekend together sounds like the perfect distraction x
Thank you so much for your kind reply ❤️ I can fully understand how sex can represent something negative for you after everything you’ve been through. In a way I suppose this is my husbands frame of mind too right now. You’re absolutely right, I need to relinquish some control I think. That’s something I realllllly struggle with - anything out of my control is usually an issue for me. Perhaps therapy is something I should look into too 😆 I’ve done therapy a few times before, I can do it again. Xx
I've been through this with my husband before. It got to a point that we even talked to a sex therapist! My husband was exasperated as he does find me very attractive and usually sex isn't a problem but he developed performance anxiety and he started having a panic attacks when we tried to have intercourse. The advice that worked for us was an actual sex ban. Seriously, no sex for at least a month. Knowing the ban was in place meant that the pressure to have sex was gone. It also, weirdly, made us desire each other more. We ended up lasting 3 weeks before, out of the blue, we ended up having sex. But because there wasn't the pressure to do it and it wasn't planned, he didn't have the anxiety. I know when you're trying to have a baby it's all tracking your ovulation and having as much sex as possible in that period but sometimes it's better to just forget all that and just get back to enjoying each other. Hope this helps! X
This honestly does really help, thank you so so much. Makes me feel less alone, and also I can totally see why a sex ban would actually be effective….ill think about that. You’re spot on as well, it’s all the tracking and doing it at the right time. It’s like it’s in my head and I can’t get it out - every month feels like a waste that we don’t, but I need to change my mindset on that. Xx
It’s so hard isn’t it, then you start stressing for stressing! The trouble is once you know your cycle well you fixate on it well I did. I ended up having a month of sex as it was all too much.
My sister in law tried for ages with ovulation tests then gave up on them went to a wedding got totally hammered had sex and bang my nephew was made! It’s just so weird how it happens sometimes.
It’s so incredibly hard but maybe just take a break just for even a month.
We experienced similar-both of our mental health went up and down at different points in trying.
Something practical that really helped us, aside from counselling, was not relying on sex to get us pregnant.
I'll not give full details, for fear of seeming to give medical advice, but I spent a while googling how same sex couples conceive w/o using a fertility clinic.
It worked for us and we've conceived using this method only at least twice (we have recurrent miscarriages, so have been pregnant a lot!)
It really helped us and also gave us back our sex life, as sex became just for when we wanted to have sex again, rather than to have a baby.
We also found having a 4 month break from trying really helpful. We're 39, do very aware of age, but this time enabled us to reconnect and remember what we loved about each other and ourselves. I know the feeling of wanting to be pregnant yesterday, but if it's all getting a bit too much, having a break can be really good for both of you. Remembering the aim is to be able to be parents at the end of it all, and to have enough in your tank to do that.
A bonus for us has been realising that life as just the 2 of us, without the burden of fertility stuff, is actually really great, to the point that we're now much more on the fence about having kids. That perspective is really helping us with ivf.
Wishing you all the best and that you find ways to find each other and yourselves again.xx
thank you so much for your thoughtful reply ❤️ it sounds like you have been through a lot - I really hope you’re doing alright. Thank you for your advice, it is honestly so helpful and appreciated. Everyone has talked me down from the edge in here twice now 😅 I am feeling a bit calmer now. You’re absolutely right about taking a step back and having breaks. What we are doing isn’t working and somethings gotta give! xx
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