Is IVF wrecking our marriage?

[SMoon84]

Hello all

I haven’t posted for a long while as we are currently in between IVF cycles following our MMC in March.

Since then my husband and I have continued to try naturally in the hope that we wouldn’t have to start our next round in August. However, recently it’s become apparent that my husband is struggling with the pressure to ‘perform’ and this has taken all the joy out of sex and resulted in a real lack of babymaking!

Has anyone else’s husbands suffered in this way? I just feel like I’m pestering him atm and when we do try if he can’t ‘perform’ he feels like an even bigger let down.

I’ve suggested speaking to our IVF counsellor about these issues.. would anyone suggest anything else?

Thanks everyone xxx

[Dreamingofbaby]

Hey. Can understand that as my husband and I have had similar concerns and tbh I’ve struggled to get in the mood at times when it’s been more about the timing and obv the outcome we hope for. Def relate to why can be a struggle. I’ve found that we are going for it when we in that mood and having fun with it. have a bit of the attitude if it happens great if not got FET in our case to fall back to. Guess trying to as much as poss to put the fun back in and reduce the pressure is what helps us. This has meant after good nights out and having a bit of booze (not too much) to loosen things up at times. See what works for u guys and yes counselling sure would help too. Best wishes. X

[Hidden]

We struggled with the timetables of baby making sex and it is the most unsexy sex I ever had....like being force fed chocolate cake! (Which I love 🤣)

When we started IVF it was a bit of a break tbh.

I can see why you are both feeling the way you are. I think the women are usually the ones that always do the charting etc so get panicked when it is the 'right time' I know I did. And sometimes my OH didn't quite appreciate the urgency.

Maybe if you guys can go to counselling either him on his own or both together maybe that might help.

We found taking breaks from trying helped us too - even for a month at a time.

Best of Luck with it all.

Xxx

[Billywhizz10]

As a husband, I can relate to this. One thing you could try when trying the natural way is to use a cup. My wife used to use one instead of tampons and we discovered its 'double use' when we decided to try for a baby.

Basically (without going into too much detail) the man brings the woman to climax, he climaxes into a cup, which the woman puts inside her.

Its a bit more relaxed as us men find it a lot easier to simply masturbate than to have full on sex, (we've been doing it since we were boys!) especially 'on demand', multiple times, so to speak.

Its worth remembering for us men, not being able to make our wives pregnant is a real blow to our masculinity, you get questions from mates who joke, 'why aren't you having kids, you firing blanks or what?' I think most women would be horrified the way men talk to each other when women aren't around- and this is all men whether they are highly educated, middle classed or working classed, it doesn't matter.

Anyway, here's the link to what I was talking about

wehavekids.com/having-baby/...

[SMoon84 in reply to Billywhizz10]

Thank you. Really interesting to hear from a guys point of view. Shared with my husband thanks

[Billywhizz10 in reply to SMoon84]

Getting couple counselling also helped, I had to be dragged kicking and screaming but really helped us. I feel for you, as its a real strain on marriages - the highs and lows of IVF. Best of luck with the future xxx

[Jonesjp]

Hi hunny, similar to Billywhizz comment, and this may not be for you, but perhaps consider artificial insemination, as long as you do it with sterile cups and syringes I believe the odds of success are virtually the same as the natural way. This way you keep your sex lives for yourselves and the whole TTC just ends up being as clinical as your sex life becomes if you keep forcing it. There’s nothing less sexy than TTC, and this way your OH can do his own thing in the privacy of the bedroom taking as much time as he needs without the pressure and when you get the goods, you can just do what you need to and chill in bed for 20 mins with some peace and quiet. Just a thought as this process can be so tough xx x x

[Lamorna80]

Totally understand! My husband was like this from when we realised that it wasn’t going to happen easily for us and certain dates in the month were important. I then stopped telling him when I was due to ovulate and hoped he would somehow be in the mood but even if he was, when the crucial moment was about to happen, stress would kick in & it would just be awkward for both of us.

It’s been going on for a while now and has really taken a lot of the enjoyment out of it...as ivf does anyway. To start with I was quite upset by it all (without showing it to him) but I rarely let it bother me now. We have such a strong relationship and marriage & there have been the odd good times in the mix to reassure me that it won’t be like this forever! X