Wanting to feel less alone in fertility difficulties

[Plants2912]

Hi all; first post on here, just looking to feel a little less alone with all this TTC stuff.

We are mid-30s, been trying for over 18m; I had an early miscarriage in October. Tests all normal, it’s unexplained sub-fertility. This is something my husband and I desperately want.

We’ve got a wide circle of friends, and it happens that pretty much everyone we know has become pregnant in the time we have been trying, almost exclusively with no difficulty, including all my closest friends and my younger sister (I’m talking 11-odd couples!). They’ve mostly now also had their babies.

Our best friends told us last night they’re expecting too; I’m pleased for them but on top of the sadness of not getting pregnant myself, I just feel so left out and stuck in limbo. Obviously it is not their fault at all, but everyone else seems to be getting on with their lives, and we are just unable to do so.

I am struggling with the ‘ugly’ feelings of jealousy and anger at the situation, and am finding myself less and less able to hang out with them all or have the kinds of meaningful interactions we used to enjoy. I don’t want to cut myself off and of course I want to get to know their babies and enjoy being a part of their lives, but this is so bloody hard!

Does anyone have any tips for this?! Thanks in advance.

[Millbanks]

Hello lovely,

I went through much the same feelings as you right now - when we started TTC (in 2017) we didn't tell anyone and after a year of nothing happening got referred to the fertility clinic. I was so against having IVF because 1) I thought it would just happen eventually anyway and 2) I HATE needles so it was the last thing I wanted to put myself through.

In 2019 we started IVF and our first transfer failed which completely threw me. We had unexplained infertility but all our levels were good, so not "infertile" so to speak. I just assumed it would work. (turns out both of my tubes were blocked so it would never have happened naturally).

At this same time, 4 of my best friends got pregnant (first time of trying) and it completely broke me. I was so so upset, full of rage and self-pity. I couldn't see them face to face because I knew I'd just break down. It was a really ugly place to be.

But I knew I couldn't carry on like that - I had to see them at some point (and I wanted to, like you I was very happy for them but so sad for myself). Then Covid hit and in a way it was a blessing as I couldn't then see them - but it also delayed our treatment and I was desperate to crack on.

What I found helped me most, was to really focus on our TTC journey - I threw myself in to research. I looked in to every possibility to help IVF work for us - I went to see a nutritionist to help with egg / sperm quality, changed our diets, took untold supplements, looked in to all the extra add-ons that I could try. The best thing I did was to research recurrent implantation failure and the immune system because it turned out that my immune system was very high and was basically rejecting each embryo we put back.

I found that it was like a part-time job, doing all this research, but it made me feel a bit more in control and helped to focus me on me - rather than what everyone else was doing. And when they all had their babies (and we were still waiting) I actually found it easier - the sleepless nights, they all looked knackered and overwhelmed.... I think it was actually people being pregnant that was worse for me, than them having an actual baby if that makes sense.

We finally had success on our 6th transfer ❤️❤️❤️

xxx

[Plants2912 in reply to Millbanks]

Thanks so much for sharing this, I’m so glad for you that you have your baby.

Yes I know what you mean about the pregnancies being harder than seeing the babies; I think this was partly what threw me yesterday because there weren’t any more pregnant women amongst my close mates so I was sort of settling on an ‘ok next phase is the babies and christenings, let’s do it’ - but now there is (and they’d only just started trying)!

I have contacted a fertility acupuncturist who offers wider support so hopefully I’ll find that a distraction like you did.

Thanks again xxxx

[Millbanks in reply to Plants2912]

Thank you ❤️

Something else I did was contact a support company (called Catching Rainbows) and the lady that I spoke with (Lucy) was so amazing. She had loads of suggestions to help with each transfer and she acted as a counsellor too. It sounds like your acupuncturist might do a similar thing?

This forum is also an absolute godsend - there is a huge wealth of knowledge and someone somewhere will be going through exactly what you are, whatever stage you are at so please always reach out when you need support.

Sending love xxx

[Becca1313 in reply to Millbanks]

Hi, do you have any links to the research you found about immune / implantation failure. I’ve overwhelmed by all the information online. I have two autoimmune conditions and believe immune issues played a part in our latest failed cycle. Thanks so much

[Millbanks in reply to Becca1313]

One of them was a podcast on the Worst Girl Gang Ever on Instagram - have a look at their posts. I can’t remember where I found the other stuff I’m afraid - it was a while back! I think it was just a lot of googling…

Sorry to hear of your failed cycles. Hope you’re doing ok xx

[CyclingAddict]

I think most of us can relate to what you're going through. Prioritise your mental health. It's better to not show up to things that may be triggering than forcing yourself to go and getting upset. Your friends and family should understand.

Last year me and and sister-in-law got pregnant at literally the same time (hers natural and mine was my 5th transfer), I lost mine early on while she had a healthy pregnancy. I couldn't even see her after she announced her pregnancy because the idea of seeing her bump, knowing that I would've had the same size bump, was all too much for me. It just felt deeply unfair.

Spending quality time with my partner, going on trips and having date nights, really helped me. I did all the things I knew I couldn't do while pregnant - like going on long runs and bike rides and going on spa days. I'm now 22 weeks pregnant with my little boy (my 6th transfer) and I never thought I'd get here.

Please be kind to yourself and each other X

[Plants2912 in reply to CyclingAddict]

I’m so glad to hear things are going well for you, that’s brilliant. Thanks for the tips and good luck with the rest of the pregnancy xx

[JA-fnuk Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Take a look at our website fertilitynetworkuk.org Very easy to follow site - contains information about all aspects of fertility issues - causes- health tips - investigations -treatments and much more Also can provide you with tips on how to deal with the way you are feeling at the moment see "Access to Support" to find a support group near you . Meantime might be time to see GP - he will be able to start the ball rolling with fertility investigations

Take care

Janet-Partner

[CardiGrey]

I would honestly say this is one of the hardest parts of the fertility journey. You watch everyone pass and you seem to be stuck in the same place. It’s scary as well because you start to think what will happen to all of my friendships if I’m the last one without a baby? This is loss and grief in itself- mourning friendships that change and sometimes friendships we lose. This happened to me and I’m also the only one of my siblings without children. What has helped me is extending my friendship group and meeting people who don’t have children. I still do see my friends with kids but in a different capacity. I have hobbies and interests that I do by myself such as gym and walking. I had a lot of counselling also, which was CBT, so I was training myself to change some of my thoughts and behaviours. I also learnt your to manage my triggers and that there is true power in saying no. Lean on your partner and support each other through this difficult time. Have date nights and have fun! Stay hopeful and know that you and your friends well reconnect when you have your baby! There are so many success stories on here that I have every faith you will be a parent. This journey is tough, so please be kind to yourself xx

[Plants2912 in reply to CardiGrey]

Thank you so much for sending such a thoughtful and kind message; I feel like we are experiencing the same thing - both my siblings have kids like yours. I’m sorry you are also having a hard time. It sounds like you’ve been proactive and amazing about protecting and supporting yourself. I will definitely try and do the same.

You’re also absolutely right to remind me to stay hopeful, that sometimes feels tough but it’s so important. It’s good to read someone else’s heartening words.

I am rooting for you and really hope we both get there xxx

[Becca1313]

I completely empathise with all that you’ve said. I’d recommend Alice Rose’s The Liferaft, it’s an amazing infertility community.

[Plants2912 in reply to Becca1313]

Thanks so much I’ll check it out xx

[DuckyBooks]

I’m sorry - the situation is horrid, simply horrid and unless you have been through it you can’t possibly begin to fathom the depths of despair this journey brings. Your friends will be there for you when you’re ready. I too have isolated myself and find it hard to interact or be part of friends / children’s lives - you’re not alone. We stand beside you silently. I don’t really have any advice, I’m lonely and every day is a struggle but just know you aren’t alone.

[Plants2912 in reply to DuckyBooks]

Thank you for replying, though I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. Sending solidarity and hope to you. Xx

[Christianbaby]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's completely normal to feel the way you do—jealousy, sadness, and even anger are all valid emotions in this situation. I've felt the same way at the start of our journey, too. It's great that you're acknowledging these feelings rather than bottling them up. Maybe try to set some boundaries for your own mental health, like taking breaks from social gatherings when it feels too overwhelming.

Sending you strength and positive vibes. x

[Plants2912 in reply to Christianbaby]

Thanks for this; it feels nice just to know it’s normal and to be acknowledged!

Sending the same to you xxx