My story with fertility x

hi all

I am going to post my story on here now. I have posted before regarding questions, but I haven’t really ever told my story. I have just recently turned 40 last month. I’ve only ever been pregnant once in my life when I was 28 years old. Unfortunately, I had an abortion as it was an unplanned and unexpected pregnancy. This was with my ex husband.

Since then, I have been remarried. I am now 40! And never have seemed to fallen pregnant since. It concerns me as I feel like maybe I am too old now and it will never happen for me. I know this negative thinking is not good but sometimes you just cannot help it. Sometimes I think to myself when I was 28 and pregnant, that that was my chance and I would’ve had an 11/12 year old by now. I know I can’t beat myself up about this but it’s very hard to stay positive after a failed first transfer at the age of 40.

I have another transfer booked for July which is grade 4BB embryo. I did not feel like I was on enough progesterone for the first transfer. Therefore, now they have added Lubion injections as well.

I suffered with mental health as well and I cannot help but think that I will never fall pregnant and that I lost my chance by giving up the baby when I was 28 years old.

Please can someone shed some light and tell me if my negative thinking is wrong. It’s very hard sometimes especially when you already suffer with mental health, specifically anxiety, and depression.

I have been struggling quite bad and finding myself randomly crying. I just don’t feel complete not being a mother and I don’t know if it’s gonna happen for me which is absolutely heartbreaking for me.

Thank you in advance for any replies or even just reading my story xxx

[Asha82]

Hi! I'm 41 and I got pregnant on my third transfer but I sadly miscarried that one and I got pregnant on my 4th transfer which was a frozen transfer and I was 40 then and now cuddling up to my 9 week old baby boy, it doesn't happen very often on the first transfer because the doctor is still learning about what medications the person needs and everything else but there is definitely hope, I wish you the best of luck xx

[Hidden in reply to Asha82]

Hi Asha82 that’s such amazing news and gives me so much hope. Congratulations on your baby boy x I hope I have the same news with my next frozen transfer xxx

[Asha82 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you I really appreciate it and I really hope you have good news with your next frozen transfer xxx

[neonpg]

No success story to share, but I wanted to send my support. I think it would be a good idea to consider talking to a professional about what you're going through. They'll be able to reassure you and give you coping tools to help see you through your future treatment.

Another thing I will say is that I sometimes have similar feelings to you. I had a few pregnancy scares in my early 20s (before I realised I was a massive lesbian!) and I sometimes think of the what ifs now I'm nudging 40 with failed treatments under my belt. I try to remind myself that the decisions I made in my 20s were based on what was right for me at the time. It's no use wishing I'd made a different choice on the off-chance some future version of me feels differently.

Im wishing you all the best, a 4bb is fantastic and I knows lots of people on here have had success 40+

[Hidden in reply to neonpg]

Thank you I appreciate you’re reply and your kind words x you’re right that our decisions in our 20s cannot reflect us now xx

[Estherlovescats]

Im 40 had 2 failed rounds of ivf and got pregnant with the help of mira ovulation tracker after the 2nd failed round. Has anyone spoken to you about timed intercourse and fertilily conception cups and meds like letrozole. Nobody told me and i had to do my own research reading books like it starts with the egg to understand supplements. I was also on coq 10 ubiquinol life extension brand and dhea but u need dhea bloods to see if u need that plus a good Mediterranean style diet and exercise. X

[Hidden in reply to Estherlovescats]

Hi thank you for your reply. I am on Coq10 and eating as healthy as I can and exercising a lot more now. I will read it starts with the egg also as I have heard many good things regarding this book x congratulations on falling pregnant! I’m glad it worked out for you I just hope the next transfer works for me and I have good news also xx

[Estherlovescats in reply to Hidden]

Aww i wish u all the best i always say dont rule out the natural way too. Lots of doctors always run to ivf but we actually have better chances naturally. X

[Purple_skies]

As someone who has gone through 6 rounds of embryo transfer, I totally understand how you feel. Thinking about the past is very painful. I tell myself that looking forward is more fruitful than looking back. If I did this earlier, if I didn't do that earlier.. we simply cannot turn back time. My mental health was affected and I saw a psychodynamic psychotherapist as I was too sad from failed ivf. It definitely helped me, and I have grown stronger. My therapist asked me to take one thing at a time. I tell myself that at my age, I will need to try 6 times before I can succeed. It felt like forever and I felt time was not on my side as I was turning 40 years old. Interestingly before my 6th ivf transfer, I took a 3 months break before my next ivf transfer due to work and I actually succeeded this time.. I thought I failed but it was simply that I had no symptoms. I did have sore breasts but I had that everytime due to the meds.. I suggest not to blame yourself and try to enjoy yourself as much as possible because at the end of the day, your own health matters most. You can choose to sob the entire journey or enjoy yourself while doing it. I know it is harder than it sounds, but I still regret blaming myself throughout the jouney. Because in the end I suffered more. Be nice to yourself, of course do the basics like exercising and taking supplements too.

[Hidden in reply to Purple_skies]

Hi Purple_skies x thank you for your reply. Wow 6 rounds and then success. I am so happy you got success in the end. But the failed rounds must have been so difficult. I’m sorry about that x I am taking a months break as I wanted a normal period before starting again and I think I’ve made the best decision. To let my mind and body fully heal. X I will really try and keep positive and you are right - we need to look ahead, no point looking back xx

[Purple_skies in reply to Hidden]

Yes it is difficult... just sharing my story to tell you that sometimes it may take more tries. I had too high expectation on my first embryo transfer and my mood just crashed..

[Keggles36]

Trigger warning - I had an abortion as well about 15 years ago following a sexual assault. I had no counselling at the time and got on with my life albeit with remaining PTSD. Then my husband and I discovered we had issues and needed ICSI and I felt exactly the same as you that I wasted my chance and that I was being punished. It made me depressed and I kept having panic attacks. We had the counselling offered by the clinic - used 4 sessions - and it was fantastic and really helped put things in perspective.

So I just want to say - you did what was right for you at the time, this could still work and you deserve it to work, you will feel negatively about it but try and focus on why that wasn't the right time for you, and how that would have been negative because of those reasons.

Always here if you need to chat, and I have everything crossed for you for July xx

[Hidden in reply to Keggles36]

Hi Keggles36 awww I am so sorry for what happened to you that’s awful but I’m glad you have your husband now and can focus on healing yourself fully with the counselling also x did you have any success with icsi? You’re right I have to keep reminding myself why it wasn’t the right time for me and the reasons for the abortion although it still kills me as my husband at the time wanted the baby but I didn’t - I just felt really down and scared at the time and not ready for a pregnancy at all… looking back we have divorced for other reasons and I am remarried and very happy, so this helps me get through as I know if I had that baby, I would have had links to my ex husband forever. X still so hard when you reach 40 and have a failed first transfer - I just hope God blesses me soon with the news I’ve wanted for so long xx I am always here also if you need a chat xxx

[Keggles36 in reply to Hidden]

It's still early days, but we are nearly 15 weeks pregnant - so I really hope this can bring you hope. We do all deserve to be mothers, even if we've had to make really hard decisions previously xxx

[beckystevens46]

For something to lean into when times are tough I found this book life changing - Trying to get Pregnant and Succeeding by an Anne a hypnotherapist. X

[Hidden in reply to beckystevens46]

Aw thank you I will look into it xxx

[Keepondreaming]

I am so sorry to hear your story and what you are going through.

I understand how difficult it is and have also looked back at things and wondered if I am been punished for something. I get sad that I might never have my own children too.

But then I try to tell myself by been sad I’m not helping anyone, especially not my self. I don’t deserve success and less than anyone else. I honestly think as this process doesn’t give you any answers to the why questions we all have that we go looking for things to find answers and explanations, as to in this this situation without answers is really hard and unfair. It really does take its toll.

But tell your self - you do not deserve this any less than anyone else - u absolutely deserve this and negative thoughts aren’t helping anyone - especially you!

Sending hugs and lots of luck - everything crossed for you for July!! Don’t loose faith xxx

[Hidden in reply to Keepondreaming]

I will do thank you for your kind words xxx did you have any success?

[Keepondreaming in reply to Hidden]

Unfortunately not yet - due to low AMH after six collections we have only had two embryos for transfer. But I’m determined not to give up yet. Wishing you lots of luck xx

[Hidden in reply to Keepondreaming]

I wish you the best of luck x I hope it happens for you. We only have 1 embryo left hence why this is quite scary for me for it to fail x

[Keepondreaming in reply to Hidden]

Thank you - keeping everything crossed for you!! Xx

[Fruitandflowers]

Please don't let the guilt and what ifs add to your trauma. We've all got regrets and sadness but there is nothing that can be done to change the past so acknowledge them and try and see them in the light that they've made you who you are today. But don't dwell - all that will happen from that is in another 15 years you'll be regretting the time you 'wasted' doing that too. Hindsight isn't perfect, you layer it with your views based on who you are now and through a lense of what you've experienced since, and what you want or don't want now. The person and situation back then were different and you can never know how it would have turned out had you done things differently - you may have been unhappy, never met your current partner etc. Try and focus on now and what you want in your future. On that, after 10 years of infertility I've just had my second baby in less than two years, having just turned 40. It took three rounds (plus a cancelled round), losses and failures and my second is the result of my one and only ever natural pregnancy. I'd pretty much accepted I wouldn't have children and had definitely gone down the should have frozen my eggs in my 20s, should have started trying earlier, should have sought help sooner rabbit holes, but I wouldn't change any if it now as all those decisions led to my two girls. I got my happiness eventually, it just took a much longer harder route than it could have done.

[Hidden in reply to Fruitandflowers]

Your reply is so kind and gives me alot of positivity so thank you for that. I am so happy you were blessed with 2 girls and your story gives me hope. You are right that looking back won’t help and may have been not right for me as there was a reason why back then I didn’t want to go ahead with it, I was scared! I was not expecting or ready for a pregnancy at all. I feel guilty for the abortion but I know I need to move forward and not think back. I am in a whole new life now x

[Kitkat10]

hi, I can totally relate to how you feel. I had 2 failed transfers before the third one worked when I was 40. It does take a little longer over 40 because fewer eggs are genetically normal but it can definitely work. If you have been pregnant before then that is reassuring that you can be pregnant again. Keep going, it’s a tough time and try if you can to protect your mental health as you navigate this xx

[Hidden in reply to Kitkat10]

Hi Kitkat10 thank you so much. Your reply really meant a lot to me and I have thought about it before that I have been pregnant even if it was 12 years ago ago, so I know my body is capable of being pregnant. I just hope that I haven’t waited too long for IVF. I will try and stay positive. My concern is this is my last transfer. I was only eligible for one round on the IVF as I just turned 40 the first embryo transfer was a fresh one which failed so the second one will be a frozen. I’m just hoping it will work this time and trying to keep positive as a lot more progesterone to take including the injection. I am also starting acupuncture in a couple weeks and I will be taking baby aspirin hoping that will help. At least I know I’ve done everything I can, even if this one fails, but hopefully not.! Xxx