Failed ivf feeling alone :(


My husband and I have just been through our first ivf after 2 years unsuccessfully ttc. Everything seemed so hopeful, 15 eggs collected, 7 fertilised, 4 made it to day 5 blastocyst. But then my body failed and I came on my period 4 days before testing. The clinic were, well, clinical when I rang up crying and just booked me in for a follow up in a month, month?? They weren't sympathetic-it felt like Just a day job.

I feel so alone. All of my friends who have tried for children conceived easily and naturally and are on to their 2nd, 3rd.

I feel like I am in limbo waiting for my turn for life to change, but it never does. I hate my job, I don't want it to just be endless work, I want to take sick leave but what then.. I have to go back sometime.

I feel terribly sad and lonely. My husband is wonderful my family and friends try to be there but I just feel so low. I don't believe it will ever happen for me and I have no one to talk to who really understands.

So sorry for the depressing post but I just needed to get it out, I just feel hopeless :(

Thanks for reading x

46 Replies

  • Hey I know the feeling. We've struggled for 2-3 years. We're on our first 2ww but I'm dreading the test day because we've had so many years of failed tests, I've already got it in my head that this test wouldn't be any different.

    It's hard to think positive because if it's not then we've got our hopes up for nothing. It's awful to think like that but then again we have to pick ourselves up and carry on. I'm not gonna give up because of a failed cycle and you shouldn't too.

    None of my friends or family have had fertility issues so it's hard to talk to them as they don't fully understand. Trust me your not alone in this!! Xx

  • Hey, I really hope you get your BFP, you have to try and stay positive in the 2ww, it can work xx I really hope you have good news, sending you positive vibes. I'll try to pick myself up just really struggling to at the moment, but what else can we do. We will get there, we have to believe that xx

  • Thank you! I wish you all the luck in the world too!

    One thing me and my husband are trying out, is things to look forward to. We've written a little something on a piece of paper and put them in a bowl (like go out for a meal, have a bubble bath, go out just for pudding) and we open one each day, just a little something to look forward too. Like yesterday, I was having a crappy day with my bloating and stupid dreams about negative tests and all that, but knew we were going to the seaside in the evening so it gave me something to focus on and it worked!

    Maybe you and your partner could do little things like that xx

  • Sorry to hear your news. IVF is such a struggle. And if it wasn't hard enough - the constant torture from friends and family with children is hard too.

    We were very lucky that we were seen within 10 days after our cycle but most people I know said that was unusual considering it was nhs. I was fully expecting a month. Diane sent me a list of questions to ask at my appointment - you could contact her and ask her for them?

    Big hugs xx

  • Hey thanks for your reply, did the follow up help you, are you going to do another cycle? I am new on here, who is Diane - a list of questions sounds very helpful.

    Wishing you all the very best with your journey xx

  • DianeArnold is the admin - she was really helpful with sending me follow up session. If you click on her name you could send her an email. My follow up was helpful; but it confirmed what we already knew - so everyone's journey is different.

    Obviously you want to know what went wrong, what could be done differently, what would happen next etc...

    I'm on my next cycle right now xx

  • Thanks so much I will do that. Huge luck and sending all my positive vibes to you for this next cycle, whereabouts are you, are they doing anything differently for you? X

  • Would you be entitled to any counselling? We were entitled to up to three sessions after our failed cycle and I booked one for the same day as our follow up appointment, which helped. I think you can choose to take them jointly or separately.

  • Ps I felt like that about my job and finally bit the bullet and stopped waiting for a mat leave to change things. It definitely helped my overall stress levels to get a nicer job. I've been fortunate enough to go part time and it's great!

  • Hi Lizzie, thanks for your messages, I had one counselling session but I didn't like the counsellor so wouldn't want to see her again unfortunately. I'm desperate to make a change with my job and just want to hand my notice in but I'm really worried about losing money, the career I've built up, but equally I'm constantly stressed and I just feel trapped and lost. How did you make the change? Xx

  • We worked out that we could afford for me to go part time and went from there. Told my employer and applied for flexible working, then got moved to a different school so it was a complete change (I'm a teacher and was formerly an assistant head). So I have taken a career back-step but it was definitely the right thing to do in terms of reducing my stress, and I'm confident that I can explain my decision if I ever want to step back in to senior management. I'm lucky that we can afford it though.

  • Hi laura so sorry to read your post and hear things didn't work out this time round. It's sounds like this is all very raw for you at the moment and you need to allow yourself to be upset, angry and greive. Its seems incredibly unfair that you have to wait a month for your next appointment I'm guessing your with the nhs, if so I get how it just appears to be a day job for them but I'm sure they don't enjoy this part of their Job one bit, I know this doesn't make it any easier for you though. Have you had or considered any counselling? Might help to get some things off your chest. I know all seems very bleak right now but you did get a great number of eggs at ec so hopefully you can try again with a frozen embryo in a couple of months. Take care of yourself xxx

  • Thanks so much for your lovely reply, you take care too I hope things are more positive for you xxx

  • So sorry to read that you are feeling so sad and alone and sorry for your bfn they are the worst. Hopefully you will not feel so alone on here. I know exactly how you feel as will most ladies on here. This journey is such a cruel one and full of emotional highs and lows although mostly lows for me😢we had to wait 3 months after our first bfn for a review and it was torture. Give yourself time to grieve as that is what it is you are going through. When ready get a plan together.get your list of questions ready for your review and that way you feel like you are doing something while you wait. Also remember keep trying naturally as stranger things have happened. I am like Lizzielizzielizzie and am waiting for mat leave to get out of my hellish job and the stress and pressure I put on myself is masses is so hard when you are not happy at work and we put off applying for other things or changing jobs due to our treatment. I guess we have to try to live in the moment and if you hate your job maybe the time is now to consider a change.easier said than done especially I know. I am sitting with a half filled in job application with a deadline for tomorrow and just can't seem to get the momentum to send it off!!! I hope you can refind your hope and go a 2nd time as your results were good and hopefully the clinic can advise on changes needed to make your 2nd go more successful sending you a huge hug xxxx

  • Do it vic77! Changing my job was one of the best things I did. Xxx

  • Hello, your words are exactly how I feel! It's such a rollercoaster of emotions that no one can understand unless they go through it. The job situation is really hard isn't it, I keep hanging on thinking oh I'll be out of here soon just keep going, but then I never fall pregnant, continue in a job that stresses me out, but then can't find a less stressful alternative.. then I think I don't want a new job I just want a baby! Why is it so hard hey.

    I really hope that things get better for you in your journey, sending hugs xxx

  • Exactly the same dialogue I have with myself..thanks for so helps to know we all have similar thoughts and worries xx

  • Hi Laura. I'm so sorry to hear you're really down at the moment. Like the other ladies have said, we understand how hopeless it can feel at times. I was really struggling a couple of years ago and I decided to leave Facebook. It immediately had a positive impact on my life as I wasn't comparing myself with others on a daily basis. It was a big move and there were some down sides but the overall benefit outweighed everything else. I managed to pull myself out of my despair enough to get through and become a bit more positive. The other thing I find useful is talking on here and reading other people's stories because you realise you aren't on your own and that you're not some outcast. Feeling empty and lonely is part of the infertility journey I think but there is hope out there especially when you read other people's stories of success. Perhaps just give yourself some time to step away a little from your friends who don't have these issues to give yourself a bit of time to heal. Big hug. Vic x

  • Hi Vic, I thought exactly the same thing about Facebook, I'm a bit worried about isolating myself as I don't want to see anyone at the moment, just hide away. I think this forum will help me a lot, you're all so supportive and kind. I really hope things look up for you too? Xx

  • That's exactly how I felt. We just had so many things go wrong for us in a short space of time I wanted to be at home with hubby where I felt safe (emotionally). It did pass and I did get through but isolating myself at the time worked for me. I'm the kind of person who needs to figure things out for myself and then once I know how I feel, I can manage being around others. Don't feel bad about feeling down. Give yourself time and you will come through the other side. x

  • Thank you, that's exactly what I'm like. I've decided to take some time off sick from work because I just can't cope with things at the mo (plus I'm a children's social worker) but I now feel guilty about doing so. Argh nothing is ever just straightforward is it x

  • If you need time off you must take it. My head teacher always says, "they won't write on your gravestone she worked really hard"... it's a way to remind us that our health and sanity is more important than work! I think it shows she knows that in these emotional jobs, we need to look after ourselves in order to be able to look after others. Give yourself permission to be off.

  • Thank you that really helps to look at it that way 😊 Xx

  • Hi LauraMary83! Sorry to hear that you are going through this at the moment. I had the same thing happen to me, started bleeding 7 days after transfer! I knew it was over but my clinic said to still test, pretty pointless but I did it and not surprisinly BFN! I had already cried my heart away before then so the BFN for me wasnt even the worst bit. Im one of the last ones to have kids in my group and until I met my husband a few years ago then just thought "ok we're just married, set up in a nice house so its baby time". If only it was that bloody easy huh?! I started off not telling friends but gradually Ive told them but they dont get it, not at all! Two even offered to carry a baby for me when I was out at a 40th on Friday night, like its that easy! Very kind of them, dont get me wrong but they say it so matter of fact. This forum has been an absolute life saver in the form of support so hopefully you will feel the same, it does help with the feeling lonely side of things! I feel like my whole life is on hold just now which is rubbish. Perhaps making a job move might give you some control back but I understand its a scary process to make a big move! Good luck and sending you a big hug!xx

  • Honestly your comments are like reading my own life!!

    Few of our siblings have just fell pregnant by an accident. 'Whoops we dunno what we're gonna do, we might keep it'

    MIGHT KEEP IT!?? Is all I could think about. If only they knew how damn lucky they are, wish I could tell them how much were struggling. (At the time they didn't know we were)

    None of them were living together at the time so they've all had to rush and get a house, and it's not fair.

    It was hard to watch family members bending over backwards to help them get settled because it should be me!!

    I know that's so selfish to think and I'm sooo happy for them and love my nieces and nephews so so much, but it's just hard seeing them a happy little family now.

    Me and my hubby both work, both have a house and are both trying where as they had there's on a 'whoops' so I understand how frustrating it is for yourself.

    On the plus side when me and my hubby have a baby, we won't get the whole 'Awh no what are you gonna do now then' our close family knows about our ivf which has made it sooo much easier.

    Keep strong!! Xx

  • Oh its just so rubbish isnt it! How you feel is not selfish, or I dont think so anyway! We're just fed up of everyone passing us by! My nephews are 21 & 22 now which is just crazy, dreading them becoming parents before me which would just be my luck! Ha ha ha You're right, stay strong....we'll get there together!xx

  • I know that feeling - my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for longer than the space of time one of my friends was single, met her boyfriend, conceived and gave birth. Hard not to feel hopeless xx

  • I totally feel how you feel. Over the past 3 months I have had 3 friends asking me about ovulation tests blah blah, saying they don't know when they ovulate, can I tell them what to try, any apps etc - then ALL 3 have told me they are pregnant, first month of trying. FIRST MONTH??? I am happy for them but I am also devastated for me. One other thing that I find hard too is the fact that all our couple friends now have kids and go for days out together to child friendly places - we no longer go because it's just too hard and weird, so now I feel distant from those friends. There are so many knock on effects aren't there xx

  • Yep, Im no longer part of the group for doing activities as my friends all go out together with their wee ones. I find that really hard, its just like getting penalised all over again!xx

  • Hi thanks so much for your message. I feel exactly how you feel and right now I don't want to see any of my friends who are pregnant or have kids. It knocks on everything doesn't it, its like everyone else gets to move forwards and we just stay in the same spot. I totally feel on hold and just in limbo. Thanks so much for your support, can I ask where you are on your journey now? X

  • Im just abnout the embark on my third cycle in 3 weeks so fingers crossed 3rd time lucky for us! Ive kinda been ok with seeing friends and their kids but one girl I car share to work with asked advice on starting to try then announced her pregnancy 3 months later, I was gutted....burst into tears once I got into work. That's exactly it, feel like everyone is passing me by! Oh & her dog is now pregnant too and I told my husband and he said "so everyone can get pregnant apart from us"! Bless him, its not funny but I did laugh a wee bit at the fact he's not now getting annoyed that a dog is pregnant! It is really hard but us lot all get those feelings so I find it a supportive here, hubby says Im never off the phone! Lol xx

  • I actually feel embarrassed for myself when a family comes in with a baby.

    I don't know where to look but I know our days will come!

    But at the same time, we don't know thier story either, we don't know if they've struggled or not.

    I was really mad that a colleague fell pregnant because she would always say 'nah I'm not wanting kids just yet' but after speaking with her, it turns out she's been struggling for a long time too. Goes to show everyone has thier own secrets which shows it's harder than we perceive it to be.

    Fingers crossed for you! It will happen xx

  • Haha I have said that about animals too!! It's crazy isn't it. Really really hope you are 3rd time lucky, you deserve it xx

  • Thanks, that's really kind of you! I hope you dont have to wait too long for your follow up and frosties!xx

  • Hi there I'm in exactly the same position. We're going to try a medicated frozen cycle starting in May, as it's soon than unmedicated. Just want to get on with it now, as it took us so long to get referred in the first place.

    Wishing you lots of luck, we can be cycle buddies for the next cycle xxx

  • Wishing you luck too!xx

  • Good luck with your cycle, I think we will have to wait a little longer for ours as the follow up isn't for a month. Really hope yours goes well xxx

  • Don't be sorry hun, let it out. Ive been through this too, I know how you feel. All I can say is be positive, it will happen for you, you just need time to heal. Stay strong. ...big hugs xx

  • Thank you for your kind words xx

  • Hello! I'm sorry your ivf failed. That really hurts....But unfortunately such things happened...and we need to gain strenght to move on to the next round.

    I failed 2 cycles and I'm about to start a new one. This time with donor's eggs.

    I'm sure we will obtain our bfps and will be happy mothers!

  • Hello thanks so much for your supportive words - you sound so strong and have been through so much, I really really hope that you are 3rd time lucky and get your dream, you deserve it xx

  • Thank you! xxx

  • Hi LauraMary,

    I just had a little idea, have you checked to see if there are any infertility/IVF support groups in your area? It might be nice to meet up with some women who are going through the same thing you are. I know there is one in London that meets once a month.

    Xx sending you best wishes xx

  • Sorry to hear your news. I felt the same after my last failed ivf.

    I did find the review helpful when I had it, which was about 3 weeks later.

    It is all quite fresh at the moment and probably the only thing you thinking about for now.

    Keep yourself busy and look after you and hubby.

    Hopefully you will get some input from the review to see what they need to do to improve next time for you.

    Best of luck on your journey

  • Thank you, it is a comfort to know that other people understand but I wish none of us had to understand and go through it. I hope you are in a positive place in your journey? Laura x

  • I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. you are really not alone. Anytime you want to chat, please message me!

    What you're feeling is normal, I constantly feel like I'm the only one I know who's going through this, everyone around me just seems to think about trying for a baby and it happens - and it's just so unfair. But it is such an isolating experience, so you're in the right place for support!! As someone who also hates their job, I also completely understand how having a job you don't like makes it worse - it adds to the stress and the worry and the general feeling of things being rubbish! Every night I tell myself that it's only a job which pays the bills. The most important thing is my husband and my life outside work, and hopefully my future family. You are the most important thing for you right now, and work will have to deal with that!!

    Your time will definitely definitely come, focus on the small wins and you will surely get your BFP soon! Xxx

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