closing the chapter on biological children. Next steps? Donor?

[ConfusedHedgehog]

Myself and my husband have been working towards icsi for infertility for nearly two years. My husband has Kellmans syndrome and I have PCOS and endometriosis, so we knew it was unlikely we’d ever be able to have biological children. Especially after my husband was diagnosed with a syndrome affecting his fertility at birth. But drs always told us there was a chance. Perhaps out of kindness or curiosity for him to pursue treatment as a guinea pig for an under researched syndrome.

After a long two years we have decided to close that chapter of having biological children yesterday, after we were told this week that if they did mange to find sperm then it’s likely the syndrome would be passed on to the child. Up until now we were told it was a fluke in the genes and couldn’t be passed on. We couldn’t risk knowingly inflicting harm on a child.

I think we’re grieving that journey that we’ll never have with biological children and are faced with the dilemma of next steps. I know that we would love anyone that we were lucky enough to come into our lives, but wrapping my head around the idea of it being someone else sperm/someone else’s baby is quite difficult right now.

I know that biology doesn’t make a parent, and that there’s all sorts of wonderful combinations of families now, but I never envisaged that as our journey. A part of me always hoped his treatment would work.

I’m not really sure what it is I’m looking for. Maybe coping strategies or ways of dealing with the grief of that lost journey, or how to adapt to a new reality. Fertility related support maybe. I’m not sure. I just feel lost and betrayed by all the things you’re told life will be as an adult. Which in itself is naive. Part of me knows that life is complicated and doesn’t go to plan, but part of me feels angry. Both of us work hard and make sacrifices to achieve what we want to in life, but with this it’s out of our control. I guess it’s helplessness.

Any advice or resources would be appreciated.

we’re leaning towards donor sperm now but I’ve not researched this up until now, so any advice or places to find stories from parents and donor children would be appreciated. Thank you.

[LCharlton]

The Donor Conception Network costs a membership fee to join but is really helpful - they run really good workshop days for those considering donor options

[ConfusedHedgehog in reply to LCharlton]

Thank you x

[JA-fnuk Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

For information about Donor sperm take a look at hfea.gov.uk [ Fertility Regulator for all fertility services in the UK] Treatment then scroll to Using a donor

Take care

Janet-Partner

[ConfusedHedgehog in reply to JA-fnuk]

Thank you. X

[Kitkat10]

hi, I have a son via donor sperm as my partner has genetic kidney and heart disease. My partner has a really close bond with our son and did so from his birth. While I understand it takes some time to grieve the genetic loss, in my experience, the genetics don’t make a difference and like you, we felt that we wanted to avoid passing on a condition. My priority was to give our son the best chance to have a long and happy healthy life.

I am 43 and really wanted a sibling for my boy so I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with a DE baby using the same donor sperm as before. I feel just as excited to carry this baby as I did my OE son.

It took my about 3 months to come to terms with the end of my OE. I spoke to a genetic / donation counsellor twice, I read ‘motherhood reimagined’ and I joined the Donor Conception Network to connect with other parents of donor conceived children.

I feel now at peace with my decisions. To us, our son is 100% perfect and I would not choose to change things in any way. I have two siblings (full genetic) who are nearly totally estranged from me and my parents, so I truly believe that genetics don’t make a family, love does, and you’ve got that in big doses 🩷 However they are conceived, they are still your baby. You made them, grew them, birthed them, loved them, they are 100% yours, no-one else’s xx

[ConfusedHedgehog in reply to Kitkat10]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. That’s really comforting to hear. How wonderful that he will have a sibling soon 💖

My husband is as soppy as they come and would absolutely dote on them so I know deep down that it would be fine. It might just take a little bit of time.

One of the things we have anxiety over at the moment is our own ego and fear of rejection. That they might go off and find the donor and not want us anymore. We need to get our heads around the child biological or not never belonging to any parent, that it’s their own journey and we have to put our own insecurities aside and support them.

Have you found anything useful for this? I’m thinking maybe I need to read case studies or something from all perspectives and figure out how to get over the possibility they might want to find their donor.

Thanks so much x

[Kitkat10 in reply to ConfusedHedgehog]

I highly recommend the donor conception network. There are regular zoom meetings and you can ask these exact questions and share any worries you have with people in the same position.

For me, I would encourage my son (and daughter when she arrives) to contact their donors when they reach 18 if they want to or are curious to and I think it’s important that they know their own history. However I don’t think they would ever see them as their other parents. The donors themselves don’t want to be parents to them, they just want to help other people become parents. I know why you have these concerns, I think I did too but your children will 100% belong to you. I can’t really speak from a perspective longer than having a 2 year old child but I can promise you that the decision becomes easier with time and after a while I don’t even think about it anymore. All I think about are the positive reasons I chose this option. Take your time, it’s a big decision and I 100% understand that it takes time to accept and feel secure, Best wishes xx

[ConfusedHedgehog in reply to Kitkat10]

Thank you so much. Honestly all your replies have been so helpful in reassuring me and I’ve shared them with my partner. Thank you x

[Twiglet2]

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this and it must be a hard fork in the road for you both 🤗 your clinic should have access to counselling and ours specifically focused on the sperm donor aspect and how we would both feel, tell a child in the future etc. it really really helped.

We are a same sex couple so had to use a donor for sperm and I carried and used my eggs so my wife wasn’t biologically involved in the pregnancy and there was one or 2 moments in the early days where she felt a little lost at what to do with the baby etc. (no different than what I have seen biological fathers be like) but she did overthink it sometimes because of the biological part. After a few weeks that absolutely passed as she got to know him and his needs and the bond she has with our son is incredible. She is 💯 his mother without having biology or having carried him, I’ve never seen a love so strong!

The other night I said ‘aww come here baby boy’ to my son (who is 3 so not often I say that now) and he goes ‘no I’m not your baby boy I am mummy C’s baby boy’ and runs to her 🤣 I said you are my baby too and he disagreed 🤭 I said oh I must have imagined 9 months of spewing and a dislocated pelvis then 😂😂 my wife just laughed and off the both went!

You are right biology defo doesn’t make a parent 🫶🏻 or an unbreakable bond or even a family it’s just the love 🥰 💜 xx

[LaraCRGH in reply to Twiglet2]

This is hugely helpful for me to read right now too. Thank you! Xx

[ConfusedHedgehog in reply to Twiglet2]

Thank you 💖 I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

And it’s comforting to hear that although your partner had a couple little moments where she felt lost it’s been ok in the end, and the relationship is so special now. I can imagine my partner and child being thick as thieves in a cheeky way too and having a really special bond. He absolutely dotes on his nephew who’s now three, and watching them it would be so sad not to experience those things ourselves. I think those special little moments will be what makes it worth it and create that love.

Thank you so much for replying x