Hi all - I posted something similar to this before, and I had lots of varied answers, but as my first round of IVF just failed I am wondering what I could do differently next time.
I work in an unsupportive, busy Investment Banking environment, and I'm the only HR person so I cannot talk to myself my boss is the only high-powered female exec and is not supportive of other women, and especially those that wish to conceive so whilst legally I should maybe share my plans, mentally I just can't...I have seen the treatment of others when they announced their pregnancy, or if struggled, and not getting sympathy and instead being made an outcast or made to look stupid and emotional. Unfortunately as I need the Enhanced Maternity Leave, I can't afford to leave my role which ideally I would have done before now.
After someone's brilliant suggestion on here - apologies I forget your name - I have been coming into work slightly later and not saying anything (blaming trains when asked), taking lunch breaks - hitherto v unlike me! - leaving work before 7pm, and generally prepping the ground for me to be less available than the regular 8am to 9/10pm that I was doing before, and prioritising yoga, choir, acupuncture in the evenings, things that matter to me and my stress levels. Then in round 1, I managed to fit appointments around my 1 WFH day, a train strike and my boss' long lunch breaks. so there were panics, but I was on e-mails, and I really doubt that anybody noticed.
I was going to tackle egg-transfer when we(/if) got that far, and sadly didn't as none of the blastocysts were strong enough to get to PGTA testing.
I spoke to my CBT counsellor this morning (originally hired for stress caused for work-related anxiety which gives you an idea of how horrendously-grey-hair-inducing my workplace is ) and they asked if I could be signed off for the initial stims up to egg collection period next time.
I didn't do this as I thought 1) the distraction of work would be useful 2) any work I don't do will just be waiting for me when I get back so just delaying the stress and 3) I thought I'd be ok tbh.
So for those of you were signed off some questions if ok?
1) when were you signed off for? pre EC - e.g. stims to EC period to work around scans? or post transfer which I have yet to get to?
2) who signed you off - the clinic? your GP? and how - "medical procedure" or "stress"? if the clinic, were you able to get on un-headed paper?
3) did you find you needed the time or on reflection, would the distraction of work have "helped" give you something else to focus on
4) if you have been signed off, have you done this more than once - i.e. for other rounds.
We only have enough cash for 2 more IVF with ICSI and PGT rounds so want to make sure I am in the best place possible physically and mentally and not kick myself later - but also do what's right for us. I cannot lose my job, outside of a lottery win.
Appreciate thoughts on both sides and sorry for the ramble!!!
Written by
Darcy1996
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
so sorry you are being treated like this- it’s stressful enough without all of that to deal with!! I went off about day 5 of injections- I got signed off by the GP and put it down as IVF treatment and stress- but understand why you mightn’t what them to know than you’re having IVF! I used leave the first round but the second I just thought I wanted to give my best shot so headed off sick. I need a third round so will likely do the same again as we have made the decision to only do three! Hope you you sorted and all the best!
Hi Hidden and thank you for the reply. I wish I could leave but financially it isn't an option, now or in the future if we get to the stage of needing parental leave...hopefully!
I definitely don't feel able to give the reason sadly...although being HR I would have to file it with myself haha! I am the same as you were and wondering what I can do at 2nd round that would be better for us...but I also know realistically that I won't be able to affect the quality of my eggs unless I make changes now for months ahead....
I definitely felt a change at day 5 of stims and a more tearful and tired, so your theory was a great one. Did you stay off through EC and transfer? (I'm hoping we get to transfer this time, but will have a cycle off between EC and transfer whilst waiting for the PGTA results, if we hopefully get blastocysts to test this round).
So difficult. 😞 yes I stayed off following EC as found the phone calls very stressful and I’ve now have a failed transfer so will take some time to come to terms before I head back to work. I work in a demanding job in the health service so for safety need to be in the right frame of mind! I hope you find a way to balance it all and do what’s right for you xx
I'm so very sorry and hope you have lots of treats around you and comforts at this tricky time <3 and you absolutely deserve time off with a job like that x
For my first round my GP gave me a sickline. I had to self certify the first week then the GP topped up the second week.
I took off from day 8 transfer until mid way through my two week wait.
I did tell work it was down to IVF treatment, I was going to get the GP to write gynaelogical procedure. If you cite stress your work may ask if it's work related.
Second round fell over Easter when I was already off work. I'm doing FET in May and planning on using sick leave from the day of the transfer for one week.
Thanks Greenleaves1 - my work do know that I am seeing a counsellor for wok related stress but I fear taking time off for it will cause more red flags....best of luck for May <3
Hi Darcy! So sorry to hear about your struggles at work it really is the last thing you need in this whole process!!
I was fortunate enough to have a supportive manager throughout both of our cycles and was very open with her (for reference I work in the NHS as a paediatric nurse)
When I started my fresh cycle, I gave it a week to see how things were going. I found I wasn’t able to take my breaks or do my injections on time. I had discussed this week trial period with my manager beforehand and she was supportive that I was signed off (for ‘stress’) for the remaining period of that cycle, and I was able to do this through my GP. I didn’t go back until a couple of weeks after our chemical pregnancy and my GP was excellent at extending my sick leave to whatever dates I gave.
My second cycle was a natural frozen cycle so I did the same albeit I was off for a far shorter period of time and thankfully it was successful and the cycle itself was much shorter!
I really struggled initially with taking the time off as I felt guilty, but soon learnt that at work you’re just a number, and in the grand scheme of your life this very short time is precious!!!
I would recommend taking all the time off that you need, stating all reasons above to the GP. Your manager has no legal standing to threaten your job and again, should be the very last thing to worry about!
Whatever you decide to do, best of luck in your future cycles 🥰 and sorry for the essay hope it’s somewhat helpful!
Hello - please don't apologise for an essay - look at the length of my missive above! I'm so sorry - it must have been so hard for you being in paediatrics with all of that going on and especially after a chemical pregnancy. There's me being worried about an arse-y boss, and you're front line, and with kids, and working shifts around your time-critical injections.
I think guilt is part of my problem too - not that my job is life or death, but there isn't anyone else to pick things up...which I know isn't really my problem but it is part of what I'm weighing up.
So sorry to hear about your cycle. I hope when you speak to your doctors for a review they can suggest some changes which may potentially help.
I read what you said about the guilt and it totally resonated with me. I work in health care where I see patients and I always felt guilty for having to cancel or move them. I felt guilty to them and to the practices where I work. Be careful with the guilt as it can get to the point where it consumes you. A friend of mine said to me do you think if you called your patients to let them know that you’ve chosen to prioritise their appts over your chance of having a baby that they would care beyond giving a cursory thank you? I still didn’t get this at the time and continued to feel guilty. It wasn’t until I was physically having a miscarriage whilst seeing patients but still not prioritising myself that I realised that guilt isn’t a helpful emotion. Don’t feel guilty, do what you need to do. Work is work and that’s it.
I had to hide everything from my boss and staff as if anything got out then I would have been replaced one away or another. My journey still isn’t over but they have no idea. I’ve used gynae issues as a reason as usually that stops any further probing. A tummy bug is also a great excuse as nobody wants anybody with possible diarrhoea and vomiting around them!!
Do you what you need to do to look after yourself. Nothing else matters. Best of luck. Xx
Oh my goodness Elmo13 thank you for sharing your experience and I’m so incredibly sorry you had the experience of miscarrying whilst being with patients. That must have been scary and isolating, and to then be caring for others bit hiding that, I’m so sorry.
My job certainly isn’t helping people in your way, it’s just incredibly stressful, and there’s only me to get things done there but at the same time, I know there’s only 1 me in our ivf story. I’ve been trying acupuncture and yoga and all sorts but it’s slightly redundant when I’m finding a new way to lie to my boss to go for another scan. Argh.
Best of luck to you for the future and thank you so very much for sharing x I wish you all the luck x
I had a crazy stressful job and worked through 6 rounds of IVF and also 6 miscarriages not telling work what I was going through (not all MC's IVF) including 3 lots of MC surgery (literally doing emails from the hospital and telling them I was working from home).
I was eventually so lucky to get pregnant with our daughter, ironically during one of the most stressful times of my work life, and I didn't get signed off.. it didn't make any difference.
Having said that, 3 months into my pregnancy it all got really messy with my employer (long story but thoroughly unpleasant).. and all I can say is I wish I hadn't slaved away like I did, and I wish I had given myself more of a break both physically (long commute) and mentally whilst undergoing treatment rather than being loyal and diligent. I gave them so much, and they were awful to me.
Do what you need to in order to protect yourself, and you use a wealth of reasons.. if you say 'gynae' everyone is too scared to ask! Good luck xx
Oh my goodness Backagain987 I am so very sorry you went through all of that and how strong you must have been (and are), esp to have kept working in the hospital. My predecessor hated telling the team she had appts throughout her pregnancy (after losses), as her boss at the time (now mine) used to deliberately schedule calls when she knew she'd be in the waiting room or en route to a scan. Such a c*w.
And then for you to get such horrid behaviour? I am pretty certain I might be in line for redundancy in the next 12 months, and I am scared about rocking the boat around bonus time, salary increase time and generally overall....but then I also think they'll not care about me in the same way! And as you experienced, I wonder if in 5 years time they will think about me, whereas I will absolutely regret not tackling treatment properly or giving myself a good chance. I thought I'd cope really well first round, and for the most part I did, but my goodness the 2nd week of stims scans and tiredness pre EC were not so fun...or when taking the embryologists calls. Lots of tears in the toilet.
It is so silly but I keep thinking if we get to the opportunity to have multiple FET's, I'm being awful taking so much time...but as you said, we give so much and your employers certainly showed their true colours - I am so sorry! x x
Hi Darcy I’m so sorry to hear about your cycle. I’m actually going in for my transfer today, waiting for the clinic to call if all goes well with the thaw. I’ve already wrapped up work yesterday as I planned to be off work for the next two weeks at least .
My clinic always offers a fit note. If required
This is either from egg collection day to test day or embryo transfer day to test day. I also do know you can speak to your GP if fit note needed.
I have taken a fit note for all 5 of my failed transfers. My role became really stressful for me only when I started my IVF, prior to that it was challenging and it came with a bit of stress but I was able to manage. It’s only after IVF, everything changed at work for me. I guess I became more vulnerable to stress after each failed cycle.
I do have a supportive organisation and manager when it comes to fertility treatment, they have the relevant policy in place as they would do for any other illness you may need reasonable adjustment for or time off for appointments. They been working with me to put reasonable adjustments it place where possible. It’s only after my 5th failed transfer (after being on reasonable adjustment for 1 and half years and after an occupational health appointment) they decided to move me to another role hoping it will be less stressful for me to manage, which I am ever so grateful for and understand other work places may not offer this.
I never expected to go through this many failed transfers when I first started but for me it got really difficult as each one past. (IVF can be a short or very long journey for some)
I’m due to start my new role when I return and if it’s not as stressful as my previous I plan to work through my next transfer but only take few days off for procedures and test, that’s if I get another failed round that is!
You can do without work related stress when you’re going through IVF. My consultant always says to concentrate on my mental well-being too.
thank you JB124 - it's really good to hear that some work places are understanding and creative in solutions too - and I really hope that the new role gives you the mental capacity you need to focus in.
can I ask if your fit note from the clinic says IVF? we don't have a fertility policy at work and zero chance we will anytime soon...I just know it'll make my worklife unbearable if they know.
best of luck with the next transfer and the new job x
None of my 6 notes mentions IVF. It either says clinical procedure, or post op procedure or gynae procedure. You can also make sure to mention to them if they can avoid putting anything IVF related.
I do hope your work situation gets better. I probably wouldn’t have told my previous employer because they really didn’t care about employees well being or needs. Here if you need to talk x
Hi Darcy, In my previous EC round, i only need to go to clinic very early morning on day 5, day 9, day 11 or 12th then egg collection half-day. I used to delay period so that egg collection falls either into Fri or Sat. So with one day off on EC day from GP/clinic or off sick, for other days just need to find 3 reasons to be a bit late at work and think about those reasons in advance. It might help relax a bit without thinking about what to tell when late at work at last minute. Hope it helps and wish you be relax and all the best for the next cycle.
thank you DuckyP - I have been trying to get 8.30 scan appts but the earliest I have been able to get in is an hour later, which means a 10.30 waltz into work! Train strikes and one day WFH have helped a little - I tried busting out in a lunch break for a scan when my boss took her Pilates class, and it wasn't workable running there and back, which just made things even more stressed when I had to wait for blood tests and tuition for injections. I hope at least that having been through it, I have a little more understanding of the time I need now....and I hadn't thought about delaying period, thank you <3
Darcy! Your work sounds savage! I thought mine was bad! Crikey. You really don’t need the added stress. I would definitely reccomend speaking to your employers about what you’re going through. I know it’s tough, because I found it mentally exhausting having to tell anyone especially my work.
My first round I didn’t take any time off, like you I wanted the distraction, but truth be told I wish I did. My work is also so stressful and not only did I make a huge financial mistake, I also had a chemical pregnancy. I’m not saying that it’s my work that done it but the added stress with my hormones was just a recipe for disaster!!
When I start our next round I am 100% being signed off. I will find nice ways to distract myself, like walking, watching a movie, pottering around the house and doing some simple yoga.
I believe your GP can sign you off but I also now believe that you have to self certify for 7 days until you can be signed off. So for me that’s a ball ache because I would have to call in every day but I’m sure if you ask your clinic that may help with that.
Hope this helps and I really hope you get the peace you deserve xx
I really wish I had a responsive line manager to speak with, or an HR manager...but instead I report into someone who has never wanted this for themselves, and thinks women getting pregnant is something that shouldn't inconvenience her or others. She doesn't even support us updating policies or maternity pay to support new parents - I think it's because she's never wanted it for herself - she's fought hard to be an equal amongst the men, but doesn't think about raising other women up too.
I'm so sorry to hear about your disaster of a first round, and all the best for the next. I am doing the Fertility Network UK yoga for relaxation online on Tuesday evenings - is so gentle and nice <3
I've been super lucky with my work and have been open with them from the beginning. I've mainly used annual leave for appointments, as well as the 3 days fertility treatment leave my employer offers. Only needed to take one afternoon off sick due to withdrawal symptoms from the stims after egg collection (though to be honest I could have done with taking that whole week off really). We did a freeze all cycle, and haven't got to the transfer stage yet, so still need to work out how to navigate that!
that is all great and as it should be, I believe. I joined some Fertility at Work webinars and it seems like a simple policy and simple adjustments should be so easy to workplaces to have in place...but no desire from senior management where I am how were your withdrawal symptoms? I had a pounding head!!
100% do it. I didn’t first time around, only took a few days leave but my second and third I did get signed off and boy did I wish I had for my first. Much better having rest and worry at home than be at work worrying about the stress affecting the outcome too.
I was signed off by my gp after transfer and worked around my scans prior using flexi time and leave.
Gp signed me off with aniexty and stress and another for gynaecology issues. They said they would put whatever I wanted.
It was an absolute godsend not having to worry about my work environment and aspects of my job, it involves extremely unhealthy situations and people.
If you get signed off, don’t feel guilty, it’s a lot cheaper to do this than pay for another cycle and blame any failure on stress!
thank you HollyT7 - even this unsuccessful round, I have found being in the office and getting the calls after EC really hard. Fine and manageable, but really hard. Then my acupuncturist told me off as I am spending so much - exactly as you said, to not be giving it my all and not be sleeping and being super stressed. I don't want to wait because of my age, but unfortunately the next round all likely coincides with my busiest time of the year for my role (and I don't have someone to delegate it all to).
I need to work on the guilt part, even tho I know I'll kick myself if I don't give it my all/our all.
Wow! What a cow of a boss!! I’m so sorry! It does seem so many of us have bad experiences at some point or other with workplaces.
I second everyone saying put yourself and this fertility journey first, and try and forget that work guilt. I have had to really drill this into myself, similar to others having a job in healthcare where guilt seems drilled into you. But end of day we need a job and need to try and avoid stress/conflict there otherwise it just compounds it. Also need to keep Mat leave as a future option don’t we 🤞🏼
In answer to your Qs:
1) when were you signed off for? pre EC - e.g. stims to EC period to work around scans? or post transfer which I have yet to get to?
My clinic only scanned on day 10, you just started meds yourself and then went for this scan, which for me was then always trigger day. In my first couple of rounds I took annual leave from day 10 scan until embryo transfer. In my third fresh round I took annual leave from day 10 scan until embryo transfer then sick note from embryo transfer to test day. Also had sick note from embryo transfer to test day for frozen transfer cycles (and sometimes slightly beyond eg when had chemical pregnancy loss). The sick leave post embryo transfer can’t be counted against you (see ACAS) in any absence triggers as you are technically pregnant from transfer and until 2 weeks (I think) following a negative test after transfer too.
2) who signed you off - the clinic? your GP? and how - "medical procedure" or "stress"? if the clinic, were you able to get on un-headed paper?
My GP with note saying “gynaecology procedure” or “under care of gynaecologist”. Be careful with stress as reason for note- fine if true but if you need new life insurance or new income protection policy in future then any “mental health” diagnosis or sick note can impact that whereas IVF doesn’t affect these things and you can just explain IVF was reason for the note and it was kept vague (“gynae related”) by GP as you did not want to disclose to employer.
3) did you find you needed the time or on reflection, would the distraction of work have "helped" give you something else to focus on
I have found working through stims hard but okay and a distraction - the time I’ve needed off has been around the trigger day scan and taking the calls from embryologist post egg collection leading up to transfer and then 2WW. We’ve had low numbers and it’s always on a knife edge. I’ve found each 2WW harder and there’s no way I could focus safely in work with patients I’m seeing .
It sounds like you have a lot of monitoring so if that’s stressful to orchestrate with work maybe it is best to be off? Distraction can come in other ways!
4) if you have been signed off, have you done this more than once - i.e. for other rounds.
Yes I took annual leave first two cycles, but then my appraiser (external to my job) told me off that annual leave should be for R&R which IVF clearly not and I’d be heading for burnout, so I’ve since used mix of annual and sick leave for next 3 cycles/transfers. I get this will be harder to do if they don’t know as it’ll seem more suspect if you’re already on annual leave. I think though this is where separating out the egg collection and the FET following PGT will benefit you as there will be a gap between things.
thank you so much Endofitall , there's a lot of useful info here and I'm really appreciative.
I had a baseline scan, then stims/progress scans on days 5, 8 and 10 and my goodness that was a lot to squeeze in between meetings. And I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I really do...that, and the knowledge that if I'm not in work, nobody picks up my workload, so it will just be there, waiting for me when I'm back. Ah the joy!
I didn't think about that / know that re stress on the sick note...good to know!
I like the sound of this appraiser! A colleague who knows what I am going through suggested using my AL, which I am not adverse to, but I also feel like I need some R&R too.
One thing I’ve considered is maybe doing IVF abroad. While there will of course still be all the downsides of going through IVF wherever that is perhaps being in sunny Athens or whatever between scans may make it feel less awful to be using annual leave for treatment! 🤔I’ve not taken the leap yet tho.
we looked at that too - the sun definitely helps it all! I looked at working from abroad and saying it was to extend my Annual Leave as colleagues do without raising suspicion - and certainly easier then to hide scans etc. Sadly my OH does not get as much AL as I do, so wouldn't be able to join me all of the time - and I thought I might end up going back for mutiple FET (how hopeful I was!). Otherwise it's really, really appealing
Hi Darcy. Sorry to hear it didn't go as hoped. I think I replied to you on this before. I got signed off by my GP for Fertility Treatment as soon I started the stims. I didn't want any work stress or dodging and diving around appointments. I was signed off for 5 weeks, which would have taken me through to the OTD and a few days after. I ended up going back early as I got OHSS so couldn't proceed with ET. I'll be asking my GP to sign me off again as I loved being home and exercising self love and care in that time off. Also the meds had me messed up, so I needed to rest and relax.
Thanks MotherhoodDream - that’s the dream! Just time to focus on you, your wellbeing and being as stress free as possible. I’d be petrified to have that written on my sign off note - which is so wrong - but my boss isn’t supportive at all of other women’s fertility journeys. After people’s messages I wonder if I can go with “gynaecology”. We are doing PGT testing, so I’ll have time between my EC and any 🤞🏻🤞🏻transfer so I’m wondering if I should take the time off after ET. I think I found the hardest time coming off all stims and getting the calls 🤷🏻♀️😟
Aaaaw sorry. Yeah I don't blame you. I originally wanted my GP to write 'undergoing medical treatment'. Then incorrectly thought I'd be covered under legislation as it's pregnancy related, so basically exposed myself for no reason. You have to do what feels right for you, as little stress as possible, always.
It's such a difficult one to try and remain private when you work in the environment that you do - especially when you go from being readily available at all hours to putting boundaries in place. I think your right to start doing that now to alleviate expectation. I work in quite a stressful environment, and despite it being very female dominated they are NOT supportive when it comes to fertility issues, pregnancy & new mothers returning to work. They like to make things as difficult as possible - I however was fortunate enough that my line manager had been through similar & i openly said that while work was a priority at that moment in time it wasn't my number 1 priority. I did everything i could in my contracted hours but stopped coming in early, staying late and being on mails at all hours. I was signed off work for 2 weeks from the day of egg collection, but if i am being honest i only took a few days & worked from home more to keep myself occupied. I found the TWW the worst, i could work with the discomfort of the egg collection but in hindsight i would have taken the time after transfer to just be. You have to think of you, work can wait ! x
Goodness it’s so infuriating that businesses are still this way - I’m glad you have an understanding boss tho, that had been there. I’m considering as you say, taking the time from the TWW. Work would be a distraction, but not necessarily a good kind!
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
my boss is the only high-powered female exec and is not supportive of other women, and especially those that wish to conceive so whilst legally I should maybe share my plans, mentally I just can't...I have seen the treatment of others when they announced their pregnancy, or if struggled, and not getting sympathy and instead being made an outcast or made to look stupid and emotional. Unfortunately as I need the Enhanced Maternity Leave, I can't afford to leave my role which ideally I would have done before now.
how were your withdrawal symptoms? I had a pounding head!!
First injection done
Omg😂pregnant, 2 days before ec can't believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feeling sorry for myself 😷
The 5 day wait (or 8 day, in my case ...)
To Scratch or not to scratch...
