Feel like giving up

[Xmishell37]

Urgh, not having the best day after a stupid fall out with the other half, I'm nearing the end of my first IVF cycle (1 transfer left) and I'm considering just throwing in the towel, I've been up and down about the toll it's taken on my life generally since last year (2 early miscarriages so far) and I sometimes can't help but think 'whats ment to be will be' as the effort to try remain healthy/avoid alcohol etc feels so tiring at times. I'm 38 and sometimes feel I've 'missed the boat' when it comes to having kids as many of my friends have grown up kids by now and my nieces and nephews are grown up. My partner is also 45 soon and the longer time goes on the longer I wonder how people have come to the decision to just stop trying with IVF and move on? I know I'm still early on as I can have 3 cycles but I'm not sure I can do this for another 2 years, scunnered 😔

[CyclingAddict]

I'm really sorry to read what you're going through. IVF is extremely tough. I'm 10 weeks pregnant, but it was such a long road to get here after 4 failed transfers and 1 chemical pregnancy. Our IVF journey has taken almost 3 years and, even though I was never a big drinker, not having the option to drink while going through the treatments and constantly having to arrange things around my hospital appointments was stressful at times. I can also relate to the age thing. I'm from a very working class northern background where the norm is to have kids in your early/mid twenties. I've even had family members say inappropriate things about my age and my husband's age (he is 45) in relation to having kids. However, I work in academia where many women are chosing to have their first child at 40+. I've learnt that the topic of age and motherhood is very subjective and people approach the topic with their own biases. I also wish I could go back and shake myself for spending so much time worrying (literally spending nights awake) about things I can't control (like mine or my partner's age). I know it's easier said than done, but please be kind to yourself. If you're really struggling, there's no harm in taking a break to think about things. Wishing you all the best x

[Xmishell37 in reply to CyclingAddict]

Thanks for your reply ❤️ yesterday was without a doubt the hardest day I've had in a long time, feeling slightly more patient today but unnerved at the same time over my next transfer 1 week tomorrow (if blood results come back normal), trying to make plans around hospital appointments defo is exhausting and feels impossible at times, thanks for your words of encouragement 💗 xx

[CardiGrey]

I agree with everything cyclingaddict said. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this. It’s a common feeling amongst us and we completely get it. I read a post that said dealing with infertility is like going through the five stages of grief daily - anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance. This really resonated with me and I think it will with you too. We’ve been dealt a really crappy hand and it’s natural that your feelings will be all over the place from time to time. I hope you can sort things out with your other half. You can always take a break as suggested above, but I was always told you don’t give up anything you can go a day without thinking about. This journey is brutal x

[Xmishell37 in reply to CardiGrey]

Thanks for your reply ❤️ I was more emotional yesterday than I've been for a long time and just couldn't stop the tears from flowing, I wonder how I've got any left from starting this journey! You are so right about the grief cycle, and I think I'm so upset because although it's still fairly early days, I think I'm nearing the acceptance stage (but still regularly feel every other emotion!), I am going to push through to my next egg retrieval and probably take a break after that when all are frozen - its likely il need to anyway due to OHSS xx

[Kitkat10]

You haven’t missed the boat, honestly I felt a bit the same but I meet lots of mums my age (43) with toddlers (my son is 2) . It can be a long and gruelling road, I know it’s very tough. I had 3 cycles before success and I coped badly with the failed transfers. But… when it works it’s 1000% worth the rubbish journey.

I didn’t have anything to freeze after my first 3 ECs so from your post it looks like you have at least one frostie your first cycle which is really encouraging. For most people it doesn’t work first cycle and it is really rough. I too found it a hard process to navigate and I did indeed feel like I lost the years of my life while I just put my head down and got through it, pretty much neglecting anything else in my life but I don’t regret that and it was worth the pain.

I saw it as a finite time that I would need to go through to achieve my family and I just tried to keep distracted with hobbies e.g.running, walking , hiking, anything really to take my mind away from it for a minute .

Try not to view the possible year ahead, just take it month by month, or week by week. Counselling might help to talk it through? But you definitely haven’t missed the boat and you can decide what’s meant to be. I can 100% relate to how you are feeling. Keep going and try and stay positive xx 🍀🍀

[Xmishell37 in reply to Kitkat10]

Thanks for Ur words of encouragement and I'm glad u had success ❤️ I defo feel like the years are flying by and I've spent the last 5 focused on TTC and not much else, it does take its toll on relationships too so feels like we are just living in this weird limbo land and have lost our spark, but I know that's not completely abnormal during such stressful times xx

[Someonehere1]

hi,

I just wanted to reply as I completely relate to how you’re feeling. This week will be my 4th general anaesthetic in 4 months but really this process has been going on for years with trying other ways/ early miscarriage pre ivf and IUI last year and I’m sooo tired and I’m over arranging my life around my appointments and having blood tests and scans and procedures and not feeling like myself. I’m arguing with my partner as well, as it does take a toll on many relationships. The biggest thing I feel right now is exhaustion!

I had an egg retrieval in December but couldn’t do a transfer for risk of infection but have 1 frozen embryo from that, in January a surgery for endometriosis and fibroids removal, February an egg retrieval with one fresh embryo which didn’t work and should have my next egg retrieval in 2 days. Literally in the last two days I’ve started questioning whether I want to keep doing this. My sisters partner just became a grandfather at 42 a few years older than I am now (39) and I’m wondering whether I should just give up and enjoy my life.

But I’ve decided when I know it’s time to stop I’ll just know. Right now I’m just tired which isn’t quite a big enough reason yet…. But it may be soon.

I’ll know when it comes to deciding whether to do another round if I’m done. I thought I was done last time and when they asked if I wanted to go straight into another round it was an immediate yes so that was my answer.

I’m starting to get some acceptance around if it is time to stop at least I tried everything I could and I’ll focus on enjoying my life. But not quite there yet.

I think give it some time. You’ll know. I’ll also try to make sure I’m free of all of the ivf hormones as that definitely affects how I feel about everything.

[Xmishell37 in reply to Someonehere1]

Thanks ❤️ Yeah maybe you are right, maybe tiredness isn't a reason to stop just now, it truly is exhausting to the point I can't explain it to anyone who hasn't been thru it. You sound like a complete warrior with what you've been through so far 💪🏼💗 I suppose that's why they say it's a rollercoaster, last month I felt generally ok, this month I feel crap and fed up not being able to have a life outside of hospital appointments and scans etc, I'm going to push thru to my next egg retrieval and take it from there, thats assuming my transfer next week doesn't work, after 2 early miscarriages ive written it off already. Also resonate with feeling like a different person I was a few years ago 💗 xx

[Spicycurry]

I was 38 when I got pregnant with my first child via IVF IMSI.

[Xmishell37 in reply to Spicycurry]

Lovely to hear it was successful for you 💗 I know it is successful for many and I suppose after loss we all feelal at some point that we are in the small percentage of those where it just won't work 💗 xx

[MrsOrangejuice]

Totally get this. This was me not long ago - 37, OH 42, TTC for 7 years, unexplained infertility, never had a natural BFP, 3 rounds of IVF (one cancelled just before lockdown due to no response) then two back to back early losses on transfers when treatment restarted. Thinking maybe there was something very wrong and how could it ever be fixed if they couldn't even identify the problem. It had taken over my life and thought process, my relationship was pretty much in tatters, and we'd spent all mental and physical energy (and money!) on something that felt like it would never work and had actually made our lives worse. I was broken. Then our first FET, just worked, and I had our daughter a week before turning 38. I'm due my second baby in about 6 weeks when I'll be 40, inexplicably naturally conceived. In between I had a disastrous banking round where we got one egg and a PUL that ended in surgery at 10 weeks. So none of this was straightforward and I don't know why this has happened now and it couldn't happen in the best of part of a decade before. It certainly wasn't through being healthier and not drinking (in fact, the opposite). So if you feel you need to stop, then stop. But if it's a hole that can never be filled and you still have hope, you're certainly not past it and you're also fairly early on in treatment (even though we all hope to be the one where it works first time, and it just happens to be twins 😉). You're in the middle of it and grieving, and it's natural to wonder why you're doing this when you firmly believe it's never going to work, but it may just be the next transfer, or the next round. Personally, I wouldn't put my life on hold though and I really doubt diet has that much of an influence, plus giving up everything that makes you happy and gives you a little respite when there's little evidence it makes a difference is lot even for a few months. So just find a balance.

[Xmishell37 in reply to MrsOrangejuice]

Twins would be so lovely congratulations 💗 thanks for your reply, yesterday was one of those rough days where I just couldn't pull myself out of the hole in my head 💔 I do need to find more of a balance and that's what I've been working on, so at least I know if it doesn't work in the end then ive tried without completely draining myself, I've decided to push through until my next egg retrieval in June and take it from there, but have a break before transfer as anything collected will likely be frozen due to OHSS xx

[Crie1983]

I completely sympathise with you and have had LOTS of bad days over the last few years. I’ve been going through ivf since 2020 and am a few weeks off my 7th transfer, during that time I’ve had 5 failed cycles and a miscarriage. I lost my dad to Covid the same year we started ivf and yesterday I was listening in to a webcast on grief and the lady presenting covered that ivf is a form of chronic grief. It really struck me as it’s not recognised by many and hearing someone else saying it, reinforces what a massive thing we are all going through. So when you are having a bad day or many, it’s totally understandable. Don’t give yourself a hard time for it. You’re super strong for going through this!

I’m almost 41 and my partner is 52, he has two teenagers from a previous marriage and so I totally get the ‘missing the boat’ feeling. But I can’t change my past and although it hurts to think I may never have my own child, I also look back on the wonderful experiences I have had which may not have been possible otherwise. It’s so tough to stay positive.

Only you can decide. Whatever you decide I wish you all the very best. Feel free to message if you want to chat. Xx

[Xmishell37 in reply to Crie1983]

Thank you ❣️ I think I can go a few weeks at a time by not overthinking and trying to suppress all the negative feelings but they've got to come to the surface at some point and that's what happened recently 😔 Ur such a warrior for what uv been thru already, I'm defo starting to consider what a child free life might look like and I suppose it's not all bad, bed for 9pm and a full nights sleep being the main attraction 😂 xx

[Boo718]

hello, I hope you are doing ok. This is such a difficult journey and it can be sooo long. I’m 37 and hubby is 46 our 5th transfer finally worked and we did ivf for 5 years. We both said it was our last transfer coz we had just had enough. We were ttc for 13 years and doing ivf for 5. Everyone is totally different I don’t think there is a right time for anyone to stop it just felt right for both of us xxx

[Xmishell37 in reply to Boo718]

Thank you 😊💗 and amazing it worked I hope u have a nice relaxing pregnancy 😊 I've only recently raised the possibility of not having kids with my partner and although he wants them, our alternative would be to travel, so I'm adding a country to my travel list for every failed transfer 🙈 I also enjoy sleep ALOT so trying to see the positives in this potentially not going to plan, of course there are lots of down sides too but I need to accept I'm not really in control of it ❣️ xx