Not functioning at Work

[AnotherLaura]

Hi Guys,

So my day 1 started on Sunday in preparation of my FET in a couple of weeks. I've been getting really down at work. I sit there and cry as I do my emails, no one can see or hear me which is good but it's not switching off.

I told my partner how I was feeling this morning on the way to work. He was silent for the rest of the drive. He's been through a traumatic time recently, and I felt awful for bringing it up, but that other part of me said, 'Come on, maybe you need help'.

In short, I feel like my body has shut down. No longer enjoy sex, boobs have gone flat, my skin is dull and hair is falling out. I don't want to be positive just in case it doesn't work, I need to start working towards the realisation I may never become a mum and it's killing me.

How are any of you coping with this? I told my mum and she left loads of 'Two Week Wait', 'Coping with IVF' books splashed on my bed. She tries to talk to me about it, but that's the last thing I want to do with anyone who is not going through the same thing.

Sorry to be so down but nothing seems to help. My partner refused to agree to have a baby with me and now I have to cope with him seeing his daughter from a previous relationship knowing he is only going through with it because he lied to me all these years. He never wanted any more kids. He just wanted to have me on his arm, quiet. Sorry. x

[Millbanks]

Hello lovely,

Gosh I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. IVF can make you feel very alone - especially if you're partner isn't being supportive either. It falls to us females to go through all of it - it's so rough.

What is making you dread your FET? The thought that it might not work?

xx

[AnotherLaura in reply to Millbanks]

Hi Millbanks, I think that's the nail on the head there hun. I will go as far to say that I know it won't work. The signs are not there and I can feel my body doesn't even want to give it a chance. Although there is a small possibility it will happen, that's what I'm clinging on to. The tentative surprise. And yes, my god, it is a lonely place to be. Was so close to running away from everything today, literally. I'm usually so strong but it's broken me. xx

[Millbanks in reply to AnotherLaura]

I know it feels like that and it's so hard to be positive after previous fails - but there is a chance it will work. Try not to count yourself out before you've even started.

Have you had any extra testing done like Natural Killer cells or ERA/ALICE/EMMA?

We had a really rough IVF journey and I think what clinched it for us was the use of steroids to suppress my immune system which seems higher than it should be.

But I totally get what you mean about running away - sometimes it's like there's nowhere you can hide from it and you have to keep going on with "normal" life with this all bubbling away in the background - it's impossible - but also completely normal. I don't know anyone who has just sailed through failed cycle after cycle and not felt like that.

xx

[Cuppppatea in reply to Millbanks]

Hey - hope you don’t mind me jumping on. I have one failed implantation behind me so far but I’m wondering what led you to go for testing and where you had it? X

[Millbanks in reply to Cuppppatea]

Hi lovely, I don't mind at all. It's a bit complex but I'll try to summarise.

I had the ERA test done because I knew that in a natural cycle I had low progesterone and a short luteal phase (I did BBT testing for about 8 months while TTC naturally so see what my cycles were doing and check I was ovulating). Basically I would ovulate then my progesterone would drop after about 3 /4 days which meant that my window of implantation was super short - so even if we were conceiving there was not enough time for the egg to implant before my lining started shedding. So I just had a gut feeling that my window of implantation in IVF would be out too - and I was right - it was out by 24 hours.

I also had my NK cells tested because we'd had 5 transfers fail - all with good linings / good progesterone etc so I knew there had to be something else up. I randomly heard a podcast about auto immune issues with IVF - and even if you don't have one specifically - if anyone in your family does it's worth getting checked. Both my parents had psoriasis so I had the Chicago Bloods done (which checks your full immune panel) and I had incredibly high NK cells and cytokines. So I was prescribed steroids and intralipids to suppress my immunity during transfer and it worked. So I think my body had been rejecting embryo after embryo thinking it was a foreign body (even though it was 50% my DNA).

I did have my embryos PGT-A tested also - but this was because I had 9 frozen and I didn't have enough mental energy or funds to keep putting them back (after 5 fails) not knowing if they were even viable. I was very lucky to get 6 normal from 9.

xxx

[Cuppppatea in reply to Millbanks]

Thanks thats really interesting. I am convinced I had low progesterone on my last transfer, the NHS clinic doesnt monitor it of course but I am wishing I had got a blood test now. I am certain I am not going to be able to afford to have 5 transfers fail as my egg and embro rate is so low. I wonder if its worth testing and pre-empting. I just spoke to the clinic - a mild IVF cycle is eye wateringly expensive.

[Xmishell37]

Hey! Sorry Ur feeling so rubbish 😞 I know Ur pain and have been through every extreme emotion since I started this journey last August - flipping between not wanting to be here if I can't have kids, to more recently thinking that it's not the end of the world if I don't (even though I know i will always have days where i will feel the lowest of lows), I dont know what feelings are right or most accurate anymore! I'm sorry Ur partner isn't supportive, that must be the hardest thing ever and I don't think it was fair of them to be silent when you opened up about how u felt, everyone copes differently with things but it sounds like it's adding more stress - have u considered counselling? Most patients receiving IVF are offered it, my other suggestion would be for u to be signed off work by a doctor if that's possible, sometimes we all need time out from life and this is the hardest thing you will go through, I took 6 weeks off work when my first IVF transfer ended in MC at 5.5 weeks...I was beyond devastated and the time off work doing absolutely nothing 100% helped, I hope you have better days ahead and im happy to chat at any point 💗 xx

[AnotherLaura in reply to Xmishell37]

Thank you so much for this response ❤️Truth be told Mishell... I've been putting reading off the comments section of my post because it's will be triggering, and I'm crying again now. I have the same sentiments. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It's all so cruel. I was pregnant too after this round, but the 3rd test was reduced to one red line. Happiest day I've had in years. I keep thinking the same thing, I can't live this life anymore, and it's not my fault but I'm being punished all the same. Counselling has left me feeling more frustrated. I don't have a home of my own at the moment, so it's not easy for me to take time off. Thank you for the offer too. Just hope we can get our little ones soon xx

[Twiglet2]

hi I’m so sorry you feel so down right now 😢 whilst IVF is stressful and each failed transfer is a loss and you should be able to grieve and cry if needed, as we dont always need to power through is a lesson I learned after my last misscariage, not being able to function at work and crying through your emails each day sounds more than that and sounds like you might benefit from some help to talk through everything and get your mental health in a better place.

I dont quite understand the last part of your post about your husband but it does sound like that even without the IVF there is something unresolved there that you might even benefit from talking to someone together when you both feel ready. Your clinic may have a councillor there or that they recommend as a place to start. I found my work has a good counselling service recently that has never been aware of so perhaps you can try there too especially as it is affecting you at work.

The other thing I would say is do things for you, spoil yourself, do lots of things you couldn’t do if you had a kid and try not to think about IVF or kids or anything for at least good portions of the day. Go walks get out in nature and appreciate what you have right now (I used to write down 3 things I was grateful for every night and 3 things I was excited for every day each morning when I was particularly low). If, like me, the thoughts/worries creep in as you try to fall asleep or when you wake in the morning I found the mindful IVF app really helpful.

Whilst your journey and circumstances are unique to you, you are absolutely not alone and many people on here will have struggled with our day to day at some point whilst trying to get pregnant 🤗💜

[AnotherLaura in reply to Twiglet2]

Great advice there Twiglet, I enjoy being in nature but I am very isolated. I am decorating my partner's Dad's house at night (and working in Aviation during the day). You inspired me to look for clubs in my local area and I've just messaged the local boxing club - hope they have room for me. I'm just going to have to say I need to look after me now. - Thank you for this encouragement

I am very isolated, my partner is a concrete enthusiast and hates nature in general - except when he's on holiday. I would like someone to do these things with, that's all.

My husband promised me for years we'd have kids, to try and keep me pacified. He never wanted any more. I got rid of our baby about a year after we met, worst decision of my life. For 14 years he never spoke a word about having kids, when I'd try to bring it up it he managed to slip out of the conversation. He never said sorry, but I cannot start over as I love him so much.

Counselling just left me more angry, good thing is, you gave me some of that medicine I needed today, the first person to actually help. - I just gotta do it for me and not let him get in the way and give me more decorating to do! Thanks again. xx

[Twiglet2 in reply to AnotherLaura]

🤗💜 aww I’m glad it helped, boxing class sounds like a brilliant idea! I started horse riding randomly in the midst of it all and it really helped me! Plus getting a dog and walking it, just got me mindset changed a bit to enjoy new things. I’m here if you need me and enjoy the decorating!! Xx

[Natasha2012]

I can totally relate . I feel like my whole system has changed since the meds and I don’t know my own body anymore . Feeling pregnant, delayed period after a failed fet and negative tests . My body is tricking me. IVF puts a huge strain on a relationship. The lack of support that clinics get away with I think is awful , there really could be more done to make the process better . Like others have told me , concentrate on next steps although I know how overwhelming that can feel . It’s important to not loose sight of who you are , after darkness there is light . I trust it will all work out . Xxx

[Christianbaby]

Firstly, I just want to say that I hear you, and I'm truly sorry you're going through such a tough time. Feeling like your body has shut down is a heavy burden to carry, but please know that there's always hope, even in the darkest moments. It's okay not to feel positive all the time, but try to hold onto the glimmers of hope that keep you going. Please remember to be gentle with yourself. You're doing the best you can, and it's okay to seek counseling or help if needed. You're stronger than you know, and there are brighter days ahead. Sending you love and strength. xx

[Kitkat10]

I can say I felt very similar. It can be a lonely time and I felt very distant from my partner. It was actually my friend who doesn’t have children but didn’t go for IVF, who was the strongest support for me. I found it easier to seek support outside my relationship as it was under too much strain.

I also did not think it would work. I only had one egg which fertilised from my third cycle and I went to work on the day of transfer because I expected a call to say no embryos made it to day 5. But I was wrong and it did work so please try and keep your mind on the fact it can work and it can be your time.

It’s undoubtedly the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and I feel for you. Please try and look after yourself, be kind to yourself, put yourself first and you will find your way to navigate this. Good luck in your next steps xx 🍀🍀