Devastated

[ScarlettMaria]

I have never written on any of these forums before, but I am at my wits ends. I feel like I have nobody to talk to and even if I did, nobody I know would understand.

My partner and I have been trying to conceive for just over three years. After six unsuccessful months, we were advised to go to a private clinic. We first tried ‘traditional’ IVF in May 2017 (with ICSI) but none of my eggs fertilised at all and I was then told that there was a problem with my eggs and that I would never be able to have my own genetic children. Moreover, apparently this wasn’t anything to do with my age and would have been the case five, ten or even twenty years ago.

We were advised to use donor eggs, which we did and I fell pregnant in December 2017. Unfortunately, I had an early miscarriage in January 2018.

We had two remaining embryos, so had both transferred in March 2018, but this time neither implanted.

We were then advised to have further testing and discovered I also had a problem with my thyroid (underactive), problems with my blood which would make it difficult for the embryo to implant and lead to a higher risk of miscarriage and problems with my immune system. At this point, we also had no remaining embryos left from the donor cycle.

We decided to have a break and started a fresh donor cycle in March this year. My partner (who is autistic and has OCD) has always been very negative about doing IVF and from the start has been adamant that it won’t work, but reluctantly agreed to give it another shot. Miraculously this time we ended up with seven embryos. I was delighted thinking this would give us several more chances to have a baby, but my partner was clearly devastated by the number.

Anyway, only one was transferred and again it didn’t implant. I was naturally devastated, but my partner now insists he never wanted children anyway. The clinic were keen for us to try a FET and after a few days of feeling down, that’s what I would have wanted too. However, my partner is now refusing point blank to ever go through IVF again. Also, he now wants me out of the house (which he owns) in 48 hours and says he doesn’t want to have a baby with me. I feel like my world has collapsed and I can’t cope with everything. It just all seems so unfair. I know I will now spend the rest of my life wondering ‘what if?’ about those six remaining ‘perfect’ embryos. I feel I was only given one chance at it when I was on all of the medication that we now know my body needs. So now not only am I trying to deal with four unsuccessful rounds of IVF in two years (including one miscarriage), I am trying to come to terms with not having the chance to try again with the six remaining embryos we have (which we have just paid another £6,500 to get), I’m single, homeless and unemployed (my partner insisted I gave up work to help with his business and I thought it would help whilst we were going through IVF).

I really don’t know what to do now. I’m so sad and frightened of the future.

[Tigr]

This sounds terrible! I am not sure he can just throw you out! Do you have family or friends close by that you can talk to and possibly stay with? There are a few things you can try, eg this one citizensadvice.org.uk/famil... or calling Refuge or Womens Aid (numbers in the link).

[Zais]

Sorry this is hapening to you. But you own 50% of everything he owns so he has no right to throw you out just like that. Being partners is assumed the same right like if you were married. Thankfully you are in the UK. Tigr, suggested a few places you can call and also i will advice you move to a family or friends place while you are dealing with this.

[Alicefff]

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. He has no right to just throw you out as the others have said you are entitled. Can you go and stay with friends/family temporarily as he doesn’t sound like a nice person to be around at the moment? It would definitely be a good idea to seek advice regarding your rights so you have a clearer picture. It will be tough for you but I can already tell you are a strong person to have gone what you have already been through. You can find a new job and it sounds like you will be better off without him. The embryos aren’t going anywhere and it sounds like your ex partner wouldn’t have been a very supportive father anyway so just keep positive that you can do this one day without him. Good luck the next few days/weeks/months will be hard but you deserve more than someone who can kick you out when you need their support. X

[hifer]

Wow that sounds like a lot to be dealing with!! You poor thing! I wonder if your partner may have had a bit of a mental snap/ breakdown too? I wonder if the stress is really just got to him and he’s just lashing out at you and not saying things he means? Could a bit of time apart help do you think? Just trying to think of options as it just all seems so terminal very quickly. I would just try and take one step at a time. Make sure you can find somewhere to stay obviously and then take it from there. Sending lots of love x

[ScarlettMaria in reply to hifer]

Yes, I think you are probably right. He’s also lost both his parents over the past three years (within a year of each other). He never talks about anything. I don’t know what to do. X

[ScarlettMaria]

Thank you for your replies. Unfortunately, we are not in the U.K. at the moment. We came to Spain for ‘one year’, to do some work on his villa and three years later we are still here. He kept promising to get a house back in the U.K. too and the plan was to split our time between the two countries, but he’s now saying it’s not in his interest to do that at the moment. I am very far away from all of my family and friends. This has always made everything so much more difficult to deal with. I know if I was in England I would have been offered counselling, but I’ve never had anything. I don’t even have any friends here.

I’ve got 48 hours to get out and get myself back to England 😢

[ScarlettMaria in reply to ScarlettMaria]

He says he doesn’t love me any more and I’m not fun at the moment. 😢

[Hidden in reply to ScarlettMaria]

I feel so bad for you what a difficult time to have. The pain your experiencing is awful. Have you considered going back to England start afresh. Your partner has to many issues to support you at a vulnerable time. He has expressed feelings and said words that cannot be taken back. You deserve better. You deserve to be loved. Put your time and energy into something new and waste no more time with this. If he can express what he doesn't want he can express feelings weather they are positive or negative and what he feels is useless to you. I really hope you find the strength to resolve your situation and possibly consider to move on.

[hifer in reply to ScarlettMaria]

Hey just be aware that he might be saying he wants you out of the villa but he can’t evacuate you from the country! Is there anywhere else you can go for a few days to see if things cool down?! X

[Nodds]

I’m so sorry to hear how tough the past few years have been on you and your partner. The fertility journey is one that tests even the strongest of couples; and it’s not unusual to have a wobble along the way. Add into the mix your partners’ specific needs and I can understand why you’re both having a wobble - it’s bloody tough! I’ve been on both sides of the fence of this situation and this is what I learnt...

1) You both need to want the same thing. You’re partners and you both need to be ‘in it’ in equal measures. If one is more invested than the other, the relationship becomes one-sided.

2) Bucket loads of empathy.

IVF is tough; let alone trying to navigate your way through with autism and OCD. From my work with children who are on the spectrum, I know that routine and a sense of control are the basis for a happy life. I expect your partner is feeling out of control of the situation? He’ll dislike the lack of routine and what the drugs and rollercoaster of emotions does to you. Does he see you as the ‘rock’ - steady and reliable in your relationship? Have you been able to fulfil that role for him, or have you been wanting him to be your ‘rock’? (This is a big generalisation but...) People with autism struggle to read emotions; he’s confused and probably a bit scared. So the easiest thing (in his eyes!) is to end it... close the book and get back to having a simple life.

That doesn’t help you though, does it?!

3) A question.

Ask yourself is; ‘What’s more important?’. Is it you relationship or is it the desire to have a child?

It seems basic, but my approach (when I’ve been in this situation) is that if a desire to have a child is more important. Go and do that alone... you’re a strong woman who can achieve whatever you want. You don’t need someone in your life who won’t support you to help make your dreams come true. You deserve the best so get on and do it. Let go of the idea of the frozen embryos and start afresh.

If your relationship is more important, and you can’t imagine a life without your partner; then throw your heart and soul into making it work. Talk and work through your relationship; agree together what your future would look like either with or without children. Focus on your relationship 100% and let go of the idea (for the time being) of your Frozen Embryos. If using them is the right thing; have faith that it will happen in time.

I’ve been there (on both sides!) and so completely understand how you feel. You’ll find a way; all you have to do is just look for it.

Sending lots of love

Xx

[Redpixie in reply to Nodds]

This is such a great response. I’m just jumping on this post because I am in a similar situation this weekend. My husband and I love each other very much. I’m 40, he’s 39. We’ve completed the first and only nhs cycle (1 fresh, 2 FET, all BPN). My husbands as announced that he doesn’t know if he can do any more ivf. I don’t feel that I’m ready to give up and cannot imagine my life without a child. I’ve told him that if he stops the ivf I’m not sure I could ever forgive him. I don’t know if 5 years down the line I’ll resent him for not letting me try. I know there’s a chance it won’t work but to give up before the end is very difficult for me to get my head around. He also isn’t keen on adoption. He told me he been imagining our life without kids. It never crossed his mind that I don’t want that life. I’m heartbroken and waiting for him to decide.

[Nodds in reply to Redpixie]

Oh hunny, I really feel for you.

You guys need to get talking - and fast.

You can't deal with this alone. Please promise me you'll get some professional support. Either as a couple or individually.

Have you asked why he's feeling like he can't do another cycle?

My story is:

I was married to my first husband, we went through x2 ICSI (both failed) and he was telling me that I NEEDED to do another cycle. I was feeling battered, bruises and emotionally unstable. I started to resent him; blaming him for having to go through ICSI in the first place (male factor infertility) and for not supporting me through all the treatment. I was starting to feel that I was nothing more than a (not very good) baby-making machine and that he should go and find someone who could give him what he wanted. I couldn't face the prospect of another failure with him beside me. I also knew that I was young enough to start again and that I couldn't bear the thought of getting old with him and always wondering '...what if...?'.

So we split, got divorced - god it was tough.

Fast-forward 12 years (I'm now 39) and I've remarried to a wonderful man - a world away from my ex-husband and we have discovered that we have 'unexplained' infertility... karma sucks! .

I was desperate not to make the same mistakes in our relationship and so we embarked upon a Couple's Relationship MOT course prior to starting treatment. It was the BEST thing we could have done. We really learnt to understand each other and how we each process and deal with things. We have also designed our future together regardless of whether we are fortunate to have children or not. We've both come to terms with whatever the Universe decides for us. Either way, whatever happens, we'll accept it (x3 failed IUI and x1 failed IVF has tested this!), we're happy and we've got each other. We've agreed that adoption isn't for us (my brother has adopted x2 kids and so we've seen firsthand the journey!). I've decided to make a difference by volunteering as a School Governor at primary school in a deprived area; it helps to feel useful, positive and good at something!

So please take back control; make a decision about what YOU want.

Is it him, is it a family, can you have both?

With communication and compromise; it can work.

But you need to decide what's important to you, and what your 'deal breaker' is.

Hang on in there... it's going to be good.

xx

[Redpixie in reply to Nodds]

Thank you so much for replying so openly.

My husband and I had couples therapy a couple of years ago when my husband had a breakdown and we’ve been closer than ever recently. My husband works away a lot so I have to burden most of this alone. The last FET we did while he was away and I’m ok with that. I have talking therapy weekly.

I just can’t understand why he doesn’t want to go ahead. It’s not the money. He tells me how upset he gets when he sees pregnant women and that if we don’t have kids we should move to a different area coz it so family orientated where we live... but he’s choosing to possibly stop the process. It doesn’t make sense to me.

He keeps referring to a talk we saw at the fertility fair where a speaker referred to all the private companies trying to take our money. He also keeps referring to our age. In my head, I want to try one more cycle with my eggs & his sperm (we had a really successful cycle last time with 3 high quality blastocysts) and of that fails one time with donor egg & sperm, then I would be willing to admit defeat.

When we had couples therapy we agreed to do 6 cycles, we didn’t realise at the time that that is actually a lot when you factor in frozen embryos. But even if we said 6 attempts (as opposed to cycles) we are still only half way through. I just don’t know what to say to him. We have such a great relationship (I’ve been in some bad ones in the past) and he’s willing to risk it all.

[ScarlettMaria]

Thank you for your kind words. I too used to work with children with autism. I was a teacher and SENCO for many years.

I want to have children with him. But I know I have to accept that’s not going to happen now. X

[Babywaiting]

No advice but couldn't read this and not comment. Really hope everything works out for you. Sounds to me you need to have some space away from him and surround yourself around people who love and care for you. Do you have to have his consent to use the remaining embryo's? Would he consider signing someone to saying he agrees for you to use them without him? X

[ScarlettMaria in reply to Babywaiting]

Thank you. I’m not sure, but I don’t really want to do it on my own. X

[Vegemite]

Darling

Firstly your not alone in this situation.

Second-get help! I went and saw a relationship therapist after the muddy muddy muddy week of my relationship breakdown. He helped me develop techniques for problem thinking and dealing with the situation at hand. ( all I need to say, is similar situation with a volatile man)

Asking for help is not shameful. It will help break down each problem and work through them one at a time. Think baby steps, and see joy in small things to get you through.

You have lumped all your problems in one bag, and you are overwhelmed by many things. Breathe... just Breathe...

I’m 40 and just starting this journey all over again. We are strong! We are women hear us roar!

Debs

[ScarlettMaria in reply to Vegemite]

Thank you. Yes, it does seem a lot to deal with all at once. I’m 41, almost 42. X

[Nodds in reply to Vegemite]

Love your words of wisdom!! 💪🏻😍

[Vegemite in reply to Nodds]

Thanks darlin...

Some days are harder than most. But you have to allow yourself to have them.

[Tigr]

Womans Aid is in most if not all European countries. I am pretty sure if you call the UK one, they can give you the number for the Spain one. If you speak Spanish, you might even find it in the internet (I don't). You are not alone in this, even if your family is far away. There are organisations who can and will support you in whatever you decide to do. All the best to you! You can do this 🌻

[ScarlettMaria in reply to Tigr]

Thank you x

[aamiller405]

Oh bless you, that's so much to be going on and I'm sure you're head is all over on the place. Try to sort out the practical things first like where you're going to stay for the next few days, once you have that sorted you will have a bit of time to think and prehpas once you have both calmed down you can chat about things better.

The ladies above have suggested some great organisations that might be able to help xo

[Amandaholland85]

Hi scarlettmaria i was in a very similar situation meny years ago i was with my ex partner for 14 years and we whent with the NHS and when he pull out it stopped me yousing the eggs we had and would have had to go to court to fit to have the egg but i don't i decided to work hard and get my self on track with a house as i was homeless and i didn't ivry hour i cud at work to get the cash and i whant to Greece last October and used a spam doner and my eggs and i am now 31 weeks and 4 days pregnant and it was the best decision i made now i don't have a man telling me its niver going to happen i wish you all the best if you have any questions feel free to contact me x

[ScarlettMaria in reply to Amandaholland85]

Thank you for getting in touch. You are so brave! You are an inspiration. I am just packing to leave and move back to England. X

[Amandaholland85 in reply to ScarlettMaria]

Don't lose hope this journey just makes you stronger you don't see it at first but it will just follow your heart and don't let anyone stop you its you that has the power back now x