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Fertility Network UK
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Need your advice please ladies not really Ivf related

So I’m a carer and the gentleman I look after got rushed into hospital last night with a chest infection causing sepsis.

His family are available to visit today but wanted me to go tomorrow. However today I met with the bereavement midwife to talk things through and ended up mentioning this to her, she advised I didn’t go on the ward as I was intentionally putting myself at risk of catching something and considering all we’ve been through feels it isn’t worth risking. He is safe in hospital and his family can visit when they’ve finished work, I explained this to his daughter (who knows everything we’ve been through) but she became quite abrupt.

I know feel guilty and like I’ve let them down, what would you do?

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I would definitely have the same feelings as you. But surely they realise (knowing what you have been through) that it would be irresponsible for you to go. Please don't feel bad. The gentleman in question would I am sure insist that you don't go xxx

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Thank you so relieved to know you’d be the same, they don’t seem to care tbh it was more like I was causing them inconvenience by not going xx

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I completely agree with camillage, you definitely need to do whats right for you. That family needs to understand which they won’t because they are going through so much too. But you have done all you can now they just need to accept your decision, i know you will feel bad but how would you feel if you put yourself in danger? Isit worth it? X look after yourself

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Thank you, you’re right if something went wrong I would always think what if x

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It's time they looked after him. Xxx

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Agree with all the comments, you look after you and your little bean - that’s priority. I’m honestly disgusted at his daughter becoming abrupt with you not wanting to go in. How selfish!!

Do not feel any guilt whatsoever, he’s in a safe place as you say and in my opinion it’s his family’s responsibility to visit him at this moment in time. If she feels so strongly she should take a day off work. Honestly I’m so mad at her 😡

You take care lovely and hope your keeping well xxx

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Thank you so much, I thought maybe I was just being over cautious but I’d hate to look back if something went wrong and think what if.

Hope you and your little boy are doing well xx

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We’re doing well thank you 😊 xxx

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Don’t feel guilty- you have to look after yourself first. From a work point of view, there isn’t anything you can do for him as he’s in hospital. I wouldn’t go (I work in healthcare so I know the guilt you can feel).

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Thank you, it’s hard isn’t it when you genuinely care.

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Hi, I don’t think you should take the risk. The gentleman will understand. You need to put yourself first now after everything you have been through. Xx

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Thank you, always helps speaking to you all xx

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I definitely wouldn’t go to the ward. Sepsis can be very serious and you just can’t risk it. You can always send him some flowers and a card and ring him if he is able to talk. Please don’t feel guilty and don’t worry about the daughter. She must be very stressed in this situation and that’s what made her abrupt with you. X

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I think regardless of what anybody thinks or says you need to put yourself first. Let them think what they like, not worth the risk xx

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Don’t feel guilty!!! You matter, so don’t do something you don’t want to do because you feel guilted into it by his family. xx

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I would say you need to put yourself first, you have been through so much and need to look after yourself. X

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Hi E_05, please don't feel bad, you need to put yourself first and I would have done exactly the same thing. It's so hard for people to understand when they have not been through the emotional trauma that we have all ben through.

It's been a while since i've posted anything but wanted to say I hope you are doing ok. I do keep checking in to see how everyone is.

Take care and sending you BIG hugs xxx

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I really hope you put yourself first today. You have been through so much to get to this position. If it makes it easy for you to stay away, think of it as protecting your baby. There’s nothing selfish about that. Xxx

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How other people feel is out of our control but please do not feel guilty you have every right to put yourself first xxx

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Thank you all, it always makes me feel more re assured having all your advice. I know now that I’ve done the right thing by putting us first. Hope everyone is doing okay xx

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Excuse her abruptness. Know that she’s probably scared and upset that her dad is so ill - it’s her dad, our dads are our rocks. So that frustration isn’t really about you at all. Stick to your guns, offer your support & compassion in other ways & perhaps send a card and a gift. I hope he makes a swift recovery xx

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As the others have said you shouldn't feel guilty about putting yourself and baby first. Did you tell her the midwife had advised you not to go? You can't argue with a medical professional. Could you call him or speak to hospital to check up on him in the day? Perhaps check in with his family regularly so it shows interest. I'm sure his daughter's reaction wasn't meant horribly, she's probably just emotional. On another note, have you told work you're pregnant? I would mention it so they can do a risk assessment. Xx

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Thank you, yeah they know everything we’ve been through and that I’m pregnant I also told her who I’d been advised by but I think they just found it as I was inconveniencing them as last time he was in, I went every day and met with drs so they didn’t have to. He’s medically stable now and apparently doing really well xx

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I'm glad he's doing well but they really should have been more understanding about your situation. I'm sorry they should be liasing with the doctors and checking in on him regularly anyway - you may be his carer but they are his family. Strange! Xx

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I just want to echo what others have said, you are not being selfish. On the contrary the daughter sounds the selfish one! I’m so sorry she wasn’t nicer after all you’ve been through. I agree with others it’s not your responsibility it’s the families. Right now you & your precious cargo are more important. Don’t feel guilty.

I hope your pregnancy is going well xoxo

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Thank you, it’s made me feel so much better everyone saying they’d of done the same. Hope you’re doing okay xx

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I would put my baby first. Don’t ignore your Midwife’s advice but ensure that your patient knows why you aren’t visiting and send a card or whatever is appropriate. Even if you don’t want to tell people yet, I feel he has the right to know. I think his daughter probably doesn’t understand how much you have been through to get to this point x

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