High stress alongside FET

[Rosebud3]

Dear All

I’m looking for a bit of reassurance/advice if anyone reading this can help.

My husband and I are preparing to do a FET. We have 1 day 5 embryo left so there’s a high chance this will be our last attempt. We have a beautiful boy born via IVF in 2019, but sadly have suffered 2 losses and 2 failed cycles since trying to have a second child. We have been on a break since June last year as my Mum sadly has incurable cancer and the stress and upset around that has taken over. However, I’m 36 and we’re both aware that we cannot wait around until “the timing is right” as the timing will never be “right”; we somehow need to find a way to move forward and manage 2 rollercoasters (IVF and my Mum’s cancer battle).

I was just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position, where they’ve gone through IVF alongside another highly stressful situation in their life? And whether they had a successful outcome?

Any tips or advice would mean a lot. Thank you ❤️

[Millbanks]

Hello lovely,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation - it's so rough.

I sadly lost my dad to a horrific accident during Covid (so all kinds of henious stresses trying to see him before he died etc) and it was right in the middle of my prep.

I had my transfer the day before his funeral and found out it hadn't worked on Christmas eve. It was an incredibly tough time. It was our 4th transfer and the whole thing completely knocked me. I didn't want to wait because I was 37 and really felt time ticking away - I was desperate to have something positive during this awful time.

But honestly if I could go back and do it differently I probably wouldn't change anything. I still feel now that it was the right thing to keep going - and after that fail we had our embryos PGT-A tested and I had NK cell testing, and our 6th transfer was successful 6 months after he died.

I know that it wasn't the stress that caused our transfer to fail - I know that my immune system was attacking them every time and miscarrying them immediately. So I really don't believe that it would have been any different had he not died at that time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is do what feels right for you. I think the only thing that stress adds is that it's harder to mentally get through it all. If you don't want to wait, don't.

xxx

[Rosebud3 in reply to Millbanks]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I’m so, so sorry to hear about your Dad, it’s brought tears to my eyes. How did you find the strength to keep going through all of that darkness? Did anything in particular help? Like you, I don’t want to wait as my Mum’s cancer is very sadly not going to go away, but I’m also terrified about how I’m going to manage the high stress which will inevitably come at times, and my anxieties about what that could do to a potential pregnancy!

I’m so happy for you that your 6th transfer worked ❤️

[Millbanks in reply to Rosebud3]

Thank you - it was hard. I don't know really. I think I just wanted a our baby so badly that I just kept on going. I knew I would do anything it took to have him and even through all the heartache I just ploughed on.

What did help was knowing that my dad would have been so thrilled for us - he was a very pragmatic person and would have hated knowing I was going to pieces. I had another egg collection after he died too and we had 8 embryos from 12 eggs and I like to think it was a little bit of his magic helping us there.

I'm sorry to hear her cancer won't get better. That in a way is much harder to deal with as it can be a long process. My advice would be to try not to second guess how you will feel. You may be infinitely stronger than you think you will be. I'm sure your mum would want you to crack on too - and not be worried about the possible fall out.

xxx

[Rosebud3 in reply to Millbanks]

I can totally understand that. I think the desire to have a child can be so deep and powerful that it can override all things. I certainly felt that way trying to have our first. I think what we’ve been through since (particularly the TFMR and my Mum’s shock cancer prognosis) has totally knocked my confidence, caused me to catastrophise and to try and second guess everything.

You’ve really inspired me with your story and advice, and have reminded me that rainbows can absolutely happen during dark skies.

Thank you SO much xxx

[Millbanks in reply to Rosebud3]

You're so welcome. They really can - I know it's tough right now, but one day you'll look back on this and it will all make sense.

Sending much love and strength xxx

[Dani87]

Hi Rosebud,I saw your post and it caught my eye because it reminded me of how unpredictable life is and this idea that timing and its factors are within our control. Im really sorry also to hear that your mum is unwell- a very close friend of mine lost her mum to cancer not long ago and i know what a tremendous roller coaster that was for her family.

From a personal note, iam pregnant with my second baby from a frozen transfer cycle and this successful cycle coincided with my dad rather dramamtically falling unwell and being diagnosed with a significant behavioural dementia and ending up in permanent care- completely not anything i would have predicted. The stress has been enormous to say the least and not ideal during pregnancy. However, i do not regret it for a second because had i not had my transfer i may have potentially delayed things further while navigating this new family challenge.

I really believe that if you want to and you feel like you have the supports to manage both- then please go for it and dont delay. Unfortunately, tomorrow is not promised to anybody, and sometimes in life we do have to juggle multiple things/challenges at a time. Sometimes timing is in our favour and sometimes it isn't- and this mostly comes down to luck.

I wish you the best chance of success! Dont give up x

[Rosebud3 in reply to Dani87]

That’s so true; tomorrow is not promised to anyone! Life is so short and none of us know what is waiting around the corner! A reminder that we must carry on and make the most of our opportunities, even when the timing can feel far from ideal.

I’m really sorry to hear about your Dad, that must be terribly upsetting. I hope you’re able to find some moments of calm and self care for yourself and bump 💕. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply xx