irrationally annoyed I missed my chance this month!

[CarlottaD27]

Hello,

Just sharing as I feel really angry at myself and my husband I annoyed at me for not responding calmly.

Also noting that I don’t want to come across insensitive as I’m well aware there are far greater pains and challenges people on this forum are facing. Sorry that I’m being so irrationally upset!

I’m about to start IVF in the new year but was given medication to boost support my cycle and give us a final chance to try semi naturally.

This cycle was odd for me! Had a scan on cd14 and a follicle was only 7mm, my discharge (sorry if TMI) was very thick and pasty (I thought was a result of a recent miscarriage). Anyway, last night in cd20 my opk was positive but I had signs id just ovulated (sore nipples, dry cm). We did try that eve but it felt too late.

I’m now so annoyed at myself that I didn’t do an OPK the day before and catch the ovulation! Feels irrational to be so angry but it felt like my last chance before IVF and I blame myself as it’s one of those things that was in my control to track. I’m trying to console myself and remember it was a wacky late ovulation and weird cm so maybe my chances were low anyway.

Sorry to rant over something so trivial. I think I had this thought in my head that I’d go into Xmas all hopeful for that dream (imaginary) baby and now I’ve ruined it for me x

[Ytrewq123]

totally understand what you mean, happened to me this month when I ovulated naturally (wasn’t expecting it as I don’t often on my own) and still annoyed I think I missed it try not to beat yourself up, you did everything you could with what you knew at the time xxx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Ytrewq123]

Thank you for sharing, glad I’m not the only one! crazy how we can spend so much time researching ovulation and learning from forums then forget to do the basics. Had to pick up and feel positive but it what I have to do! Good luck to you x

[Waiting-for-my-Angel]

I can relate to this though I'm not having ivf yet, any chance I miss I crucify myself over and I day dream about the big pregnancy reveal at Xmas or my birthday constantly.

I've lost three babies now and have no kids so to me I identify with this and its definitely not trivial, this process takes over every aspect of your life and tbh it drives me insane and I'm only 4 years in.

Wishing you all the luck in the world

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Waiting-for-my-Angel]

Thank you for sharing! I’m so sorry for your losses. I have had two very early losses so know just how much anxiety there is with the whole process - conceiving, starting a pregnancy, it never ends.

I’m also so angry at myself and i suppose it’s because we put so much pressure on ourselves. It’s also tough that all the decisions are on us as it’s us monitoring our bodies! I agree that it’s overtaken my thought and life and my husband is really annoyed about that, but I’m comforted to know I’m not the only person out there feeling so wound up in it all. Best of luck to you too, 4 years is a long time in my view x

[Waiting-for-my-Angel in reply to CarlottaD27]

Thanks that's kind, I'm sorry you've also lost babies it's extremely challenging to keep going under these conditions.

I agree the monitoring and vitamin taking the constant scrutiny of what "we" did wring each month that ment were not pregnant is all on us women.

I feel stuck in this never-ending cycle as I can't stop trying mainly because I can't belive I'm going to be that one that never gets a baby but equally I turn 45 on 4th Jan giving me 1% chance of conceiving so I'm trying to come to terms with the fact it might be me and it might never happen.

My babies died of downs and Edwards and each one has taken most of who i used to be, I feel guilty if I laugh at anything and I'm always sad and angry mostly at the crappy parenting I see all around me.

I hope we both get our babies, you are definitely not alone x

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Waiting-for-my-Angel]

Thank you, I really hope you get your very wanted baby too! You’re right that it feels unfair seeing so many parents around and people who accidentally get pregnant. You’ve been through so much, I think you have every right to be sad and angry. It’s tough trying to get on with live though! Hoping for a better 2024 x

[CardiGrey]

Based on what we are experiencing, I don’t think anything is irrational anymore. I think we are having a completely reasonable response for people who are facing something that is just so unfair. I’ve just had this same thing today, so I can relate. I’ve come on today, cycle day 24, which is 4 days earlier than usual. Partner was wanting to try straight after last cycle ended, but I was saying we needed to wait until the following week as that will be ovulation. Turns out it wasn’t and I missed. Anywho! I feel so upset with myself so I know exactly how you feel. My partner doesn’t understand either x

[CarlottaD27 in reply to CardiGrey]

Oh that is so frustrating with you’re timings! I totally get it as we do so much research and convince ourselves we know our bodies… and then they go and act so unpredictable. I’m sorry you’ve missed you’re window too. I try and reassure myself that the chances of getting a baby out of the cycle were low anyway…

Thank you for making me feel less alone. I was sobbing and my heart was pounding last night to the extent my husband didn’t want to be in the same room. I suppose it’s tough on partners to see us go through this but there’s also a level they will just not understand. I hope you’ve managed to pick up. There’s always anothe cycle I guess …c

[CardiGrey]

You’re not alone. There are so many of us here who completely understand and empathise with one another. I’m so sorry to hear that your husband did not want to be in the same room as you. Unfortunately, this is the ugly side of infertility that people don’t see. Men won’t understand that feeling of longing to carry a child. My partner also has 2 children of his own from a previous relationship too so I’m not sure he can ever understand my longing. Praying that you get your happy ending soon x

[CarlottaD27]

Thank you for your compassion, I’m hoping 2024 will be the year for you too. It’s so tough to keep going at times but we will get there! X

[Lenley81]

I know this feeling all too well. In our early days of trying to conceive, my partner told me to stop telling him when my fertile window was as he felt like i was only interested him for one thing. So I stopped, but then the pressure to “get him excited” at the right time has been immense! The amount of times I’ve cried myself to sleep because he’s fallen asleep earlier than expected or decided to go & visit him mum for a few days right when I’m ovulating. Although so far IVF has failed for us, at least it’s taken the pressure off trying to force bedroom time.

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Lenley81]

Ugh yes, it’s so frustrating when that fertile window falls at a difficult time, like following an argument can be difficult to then get back into the right mood!

I’m sorry IVF hasn’t worked out for you yet. You’re right though that it should take the pressure off a bit as everything will be up to the Dt, not us. I look forward to that! X

[Twiglet2]

I do get why you are annoyed but I wonder whether the strong reaction to maybe being a day late to try this month is being amplified by some of the fears &worries of IVF approaching and something in the back of your mind was hoping for that not to have to happen?

If you think that might be a factor I wonder if turning your mind to that would help as in not focusing on what you may or may not have missed this month but taking the time to acknowledge what you are really feeling about this IVF round and what you might still need to work through there will help you feel a little calmer and more in control?

I find the mindful IVF app really helpful and also following a few people on insta or reading peoples blogs online about there experience has helped normalise it a bit for me too (especially the emotions of it all!) I also used the clinic counsellor (they made me due to donor speed but I actually really benefitted!) and have found out recently my work has access to free counselling too so have decided talking to someone impartial might be helpful. I guess what I’m saying is IVF is a big deal but (for me personally) sometimes my hurt or anger or fear gets a bit misdirected and these types of resources help me work through that a bit more. For example phoned up with my period earlier this week to start a fresh cycle to be told they can’t fit me in until March!! Thought I was over it until I was taking my frustrations out on some tangled up fairy lights last night 😂 has to take a step back and work through it why it’s crap but also any positives (more time to take egg boosting vitamins and can have a drink over Christmas etc) so the fairy lights survived 😜

I hope you’re feeling a bit better today and you can enjoy your last few weeks before you hop on board the IVF roller coaster in the new year 🎢 ps I found everyone on here really helpful too xx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Twiglet2]

Hello! Thank you for your really thoughtful reply - on par with any therapist or councillor I’ve spoken to over the course of the journey!

You’re right that reading more about IVF helps to normalise it, this forum has been great for that and I feel I’m already taking the language of stims and triggers and stuff.

I was reflecting and don’t think I’m too fearful of IVF but certainly deal with a lot of pressure and perfectionism from myself, which is probably why I’m so angry about all the imperfect things I’ve done in the past, and naturally I’m hyper focused on fertility as that’s so prominent in life right now. I really do need to give mindfulness another go and put in the time to build up better coping mechanisms, as I’m sure there will be more bumps along the road.

You’re totally right though - we need to think to think positively and find some outlets (I’m not sure what my equivalent of fairy lights is but will make sure it’s not my poor partner 🤣). I hope you enjoyed your festive break and hopefully 2024 will be a lucky year for us 🤞 x