really down after failed fet

[Nadine86]

first time poster. I’m 37 and ttc around 8 months - suffered a miscarriage in may. I had frozen x6 embryos from a cycle I did electively when I was 31. First fet found out today had failed. Just feel like it should have worked and terrified of trying again and again esp after the miscarriage too and not getting anywhere. Any words of wisdom appreciated.

[Nenad]

Hi Nadine, sorry about your failed fet. Just know that you’re not alone. The fact that you still have frozen embryos from when you were 31 is excellent. Just know that if the embryos haven’t been tested then there’s a chance they won’t all be “normal” which is why you sadly have to keep trying until you get to the normal one. The good news is that a good percentage of those 6 should be normal because of their age, so don’t give up just yet!

I think because you had a miscarriage recently and now a failed fet, could you perhaps request some further testing via your clinic? It would be good to rule out blood clotting conditions, any uterine problems which can happen after a miscarriage (especially if there was a surgical intervention).

Feel free to DM me if you want more info on tests and procedures. I know a lot of the ladies here have experience with those too. Please don’t give up you have a very good chance of success xx

[Nadine86 in reply to Nenad]

Thanks Nenad. This is such a nice reply. My specialist doesn’t seem too concerned- happy with the age of embryos etc jusr said sometimes it takes a while. It’s a good point you made that as they were only 31 no one suggested testing them, so there’s bound to be some that won’t work. It’s just the fear of going through it over and over and over and then still nothing. The 2 week wait was horrific. I’ve decided to try once more and if that is no good have a few months off. Thanks again.

[Nenad in reply to Nadine86]

Happy to hear your specialist wasn’t concerned either. I know it’s awful going through multiple attempts but you’ve got lots of positive markers so fingers crossed it works for you next time.

I haven’t tried this myself but has the specialist mentioned any tests such as ERA which gives them a good idea of how much progesterone you need prior to transfer? Also if they’ll do a medicated or natural FET? Medicated FETs haven’t worked for me so I’m requesting a natural or natural modified next time xx

[Nabsal]

plz give rest to your body couple of months and then try again don’t lose hope. I also had failed cycle in august but now giving rest to body then will try again

[Citizenerased83]

Hi lovely, I'm sorry for your loss and that your FET didn't work. I completely understand how you feel - had two miscarriages and then two FETs that haven't worked, the last we found out about on the weekend.

Take your time to process everything and be gentle on yourself.

And when you're ready, those embryos are waiting for you if you want to try again. Sending love. Xx

[Nadine86 in reply to Citizenerased83]

Thanks so much for this, it’s so kind and I really appreciate it. X

[MrsOrangejuice]

I'm sorry, it took us forever to get to IVF after years of being told there was nothing wrong and doctors assuring us we should have no problem if we did have fertility treatment. And then everything went a bit wrong, and was so delayed. When we got a BFP on our first transfer I really thought that was it. But I know now that it's much more complicated and so much of it is unexplained and 'just one of those things'. After two early losses with 'perfect' embryos (which weirdly our doctors thought were basically successes, because we'd got that far and ruled out loads of other issues by getting to that stage) our consultant said that for a couple like us with no known issues and age not being a factor, it was still numbers and he'd expect 1 in 3. Which he said was about the same as natural pregnancies. So that was hugely deflating and didn't seem scientific at all. But the next one worked and I have a LG from that. Then I had a transfer earlier this year that ended in a PUL, then a BFN on a FET, and the following month fell pregnant naturally for the first time ever (in 10+ years TTC), and am 4mnths. So it was 1 in 3 for us and we still have no clue why it worked on one occasion and and didn't another. The losses and negatives are crushing but we're incredibly lucky and glad we carried on even when at times it felt like it was never going to happen. But it's very personal and depends whether you want to take a break, or do more tests. You have time and are in a great situation with lots of frosties from when you were younger, so try to focus on next steps and think of it as starting over afresh each transfer. Although I know how frightened I was about another loss and am still anxious the longer this goes in, but I just have to accept that - i can't fight it - and try and move past the negative thoughts.

[Nadine86 in reply to MrsOrangejuice]

Thanks for this. It’s the worst isn’t it: the trying and trying and the uncertainty. I think ultimately you’re totally right - acceptance is important. It’s hard not to catastrophise- if it fails once, then what if it fails again, then again… but I suppose anything can happen cant it? My partner is happy enough to have dogs and spend our money travelling 😂 which wouldn’t be the end of the world tbh, I think it’s also the feeling of your body failing you, everything ‘looking great’ then the negative test- it’s torture and the hormones probably don’t help. You’re right to focus on the positives and I do have time and options, but geez it’s not much fun when you’re going through it. I am absolutely focusing on accepting you can only do your best, because otherwise I’ll go mad. Def can’t handle another 2ww like the one I just went through.

[MrsOrangejuice in reply to Nadine86]

Completely get that right now everything is very raw. Once I 'd got over the initial shock I wanted to go straight back in and try again as I needed something to focus on and hope. We'd used our one NHS round and transfer though so the cost implications were also a massive factor. Then I had an early loss again and I thought there was something fundamentally wrong that was being missed, and it was worse we were unexplained as then there was no treatment. It really helped me to grill my consultant and gi through every reason, every test, everything we could change... ultimately not much bar changing type. and amount of progesterone and not sure that was even what did it. Our doctors were so relaxed that it would happen, but it's hard to go through losses and negatives and I hate the 2ww and the weeks after tbh as then when things have gone wrong for us in the past. I also felt detached from body and like it was failing me. But having said that *when* it happens for you, the scars don't go but they fade and all the sadness and anger, and distrust of your body that's really acute now sort of goes hazy, and you can think of it but not dwell. Take whatever time you need and regroup and recover, then have a thorough debrief with your doctors x

[Christianbaby]

Hi! This reminds me of my first FET try which failed. I understand the feeling. I am so sorry for your MC and failed attempt. Embryo testing would be a good move to get better chances with a successful FET. From the 6, there should really be good ones as you had them harvested when you were 31. I know it feels so horrible after a failed attempt. Had to condition my mind to bounce back after our 1st failed attempt. And then again, after another failure. We just kept trying until we finally succeeded.

You'll get there eventually, don't lose hope. Sending you love and light. xx