Upset with LM

[40plusTTC]

Hoping you lovely lot will be able to share your thoughts and support please. I've been really shaken up today as my LM has given information about me having IVF to someone (albeit someone at HR) without my consent! I'd mentioned that I was going to contact them to get some clarification over where I stand with having paid leave during treatment, and she went ahead and emailed them before I had a chance to which I didn't agree to. There's no specific IVF policy at my employers so I was going to ask generally regarding medical treatment that wasn't cosmetic or disability related. As you guys will all be too aware, with fertility treatment pretty much everything is out of our control. But we do have control over who we share this information with, and today she took that control from me! I understand she probably thought she was doing me a favour by emailing them for me, but I was so upset when I read it that I was shaking and have been feeling physically sick. Has anyone else been through something similar?

[Purpledoggy]

Did your LM identify you to HR or did she ask them more vaguely? If the former then definitely out of order! You could speak to ACAS for some advice on your rights and how to make a complaint, if you want to. Xx

[40plusTTC in reply to Purpledoggy]

Hi Purpledoggy, thanks for replying. Yes, she mentioned my name and Cc'd me into the email. Thanks very much for the advice! I really appreciate it 🙏🏼

[DG2022]

my manager is not discreet either…it’s infuriating. They put down I was sick cos of gynae problem so really obvious to the team. My old manager just asked HR but didn’t mention my name or anything. There was a “hidden” ivf policy which is outdated. But I get 5 days paid leave for appointments but to be honest I just went to my appointments without saying anything most of the cycle. Actually wish I had never told my boss cos she is sneaky and devious and I don’t trust her. Luckily the viability scan next week falls on my day off so I didn’t have to ask for that especially off.

If I could turn back clock I would say nothing to no one

After transfer you are protected more so you can literally go sick and they can’t do anything as you are pregnant until proven otherwise.

Ivf should also be treated like any other medical appointment

If you have problems sign post to big companies that do have ivf/fertility policy and why they are backwards

[40plusTTC in reply to DG2022]

That sounds so difficult with your manager! If things weren't difficult enough going through treatment, we shouldn't have to deal with this rubbish too! I think I'll be keeping information to a minimum with LM from now on I work for a university so you'd expect a policy but unfortunately none. Really surprising and disappointing.

Wishing you lots of love for your scan!

[DG2022 in reply to 40plusTTC]

I poured my heart out to HR as they were asking for people to come forward to share their fertility experiences as they were putting a policy together. This was April. Still no policy. You go on intranet and there’s pregnancy and menopause etc but nothing about fertility. 6000 employees. Unacceptable

[Cica22 in reply to DG2022]

I completely agree workplaces should have a policy on fertility treatment. There’s loads on pregnancy and menopause but they forget about fertility. Sometimes you feel invisible and it can feel like a lonely place to be going through IVF 😔 At my work we have a little section on IVF in the maternity policy which doesn’t feel appropriate to me. We don’t get paid time off, just have to make up the time or use annual leave but luckily my manager has been supportive so far but I still don’t feel she fully ‘gets it’. She said to me that she fell pregnant easily - so insensitive! xx

[DG2022 in reply to Cica22]

That is so insensitive of her. I was asked to take AL as well. Disgusting! We don’t want to be in this situation. It’s a medical condition! So should be treated as such! X

[40plusTTC in reply to Cica22]

Very insensitive! Like a blimmin' kick in the teeth when you're discussing something so personal and emotional!I've done mixture of flexible working and unpaid leave before, but policy so unclear with my work I just wanted to check what days I might be entitled to have paid time off for like for the EC which is an operation.

[Cica22 in reply to 40plusTTC]

I think my LM didn’t really think about what she was saying but that’s half the problem, people can be thoughtless. One of my colleagues announced her pregnancy yesterday at work and I had to just smile, congratulate her but inside I was dying… cried on my way home! I’ve just started egg donor treatment (which only my LM knows about) and struggling with everything that comes with that so it wasn’t great to get that news. Anyway I’m going off on one. I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time with your line manager and I understand you’re upset as it’s such a personal thing to share with others, you need to feel safe sharing it and know it will be kept confidential. You’re not alone and I’m grateful we have the forum to vent / share experiences 💕 xx

[Weareback2]

I can understand why you are upset, however i do wonder if she thouught she was being helpful. If there was no policy or if she didn't know if there was, she may have wanted to have the information first hand herself so she can then support you accordingly. I do really think it is manager dependent. On my first round i told my manager and she was so supportive, let me leave early, and work my diary to suit etc She then left and our new manager was a complete chocolate tea pot and a gossip that i didn't tell her. She new we had previously done IVfmF but i didn't inform her of our next round as just didn't want it being the topic of conversation in the office which it would have been with her being known to gossip.

Wishing you all the luck.x

[40plusTTC in reply to Weareback2]

Thanks Weareback2. I really appreciate it. I definitely agree that she probably thought she was being helpful. It was just thoughtless and has left consequences that have broken the trust between us. That's awful you even have to consider being the topic of gossip because of that manager. Not right at all!

All the best to you too 💞

[Twiglet2]

your manager could have been more discreet, sure and you can say that to them going forward please don’t share any wider. Luckily it was to someone on HR who will know better and will likely be discreet. The likelihood is that your manager was trying to help and take the hassle away from you and hasn’t thought about your confidentiality you might want in that. but focus on the fact that no harm has really been done and you will likely get more support now form then both, since there is no IVF policy in your work. You defo have the right to be a bit p**sed off with your manager though!

On a wider note though the shaking and being physically sick over it is probably quite an extreme emotional reaction to any situation and might show that this has triggered something more deeper going on for you around the whole IVF thing (for example you mentioned loss of control) and you might want to take advantage of some of the counselling sessions your clinic offers lovely as this is a really really long and tough journey and you should grab all the support you can get. Hoping you feel a little more at peace with what’s happened today 😘💜 xx

[40plusTTC in reply to Twiglet2]

Thanks for replying and suggesting counselling. Been a while since I spoke to one about this so probably a good idea 💗 It's definitely her taking the power of my own very personal situation away from me that is the biggest issue. I feel the trust has gone with her now and I'm anxious as to who else she might have mentioned it to without my consent or knowledge. I do feel emotionally vulnerable as we're planning to start 4th round very soon so what happened yesterday was definitely triggering for me. I've been through 3 rounds with her as my manager already and this was a new individual at HR that she contacted that I didn't know about.

[Twiglet2 in reply to 40plusTTC]

Completely understandable that you feel the trust has been dented you need to think of yourself first and do whatever you need to do I was just a bit worried about how upset it made you in case it was the straw that broke the camels back type scenario as I know I have been there a few times and had to stop and take some time for myself xx

[40plusTTC in reply to Twiglet2]

Thank you. I really appreciate it. It was just a shock as I expected better from her and I was on my own in the office x

[Doodlebug23]

My work has a policy for IVF, but it’s only 5 days per round and 1 round per year, 3 maximum. I am grateful for the time but it soon got swallowed up in appointments etc in first round. Plus it feels like they are almost dictating when and how often I can go through it. Yet doctors appointments are unregulated x

[40plusTTC in reply to Doodlebug23]

There definitely needs to be some standardised policy for fertility treatment leave in the workplace! It's unbelievable there isn't across industries x

[Rubylou01 in reply to 40plusTTC]

Totally agree! I work for a Scottish local authority and their current fertility policy is: we do not allow any paid time off for fertility treatment but we will allow you to take your annual leave to have treatment 🤣 I recently queried why it was treated differently from any other medical appointment...if am I getting dental implants, changing my gender or visiting a chiropractor then I can have time off for consultation and treatment!? Bizarre!

[40plusTTC in reply to Rubylou01]

Unbelievable! As if it was a favour they were doing that you were 'allowed' to take a/l for it 😒 Change needs to happen!

[Doodlebug23]

I didn’t realise you got the same protection after transfer as when pregnant either x

[40plusTTC in reply to Doodlebug23]

At least that is something that's in UK law!