Sex when trying naturally

[Brightflowers]

On months when you’re trying naturally - does anyone else’s heaven struggle to finish?

my husband has had this issue about 3 months.

He says he feels under pressure, but I don’t think I do anything to make him feel under pressure

I’m starting to get annoyed as I feel we’re wasting time now.

I also feel like he doesn’t really want to have sex with me or there is more to it - how hard can it be?

Any thoughts appreciated

[Mlove12]

I can relate in terms of trying for a while as it takes all the fun and joy out of sex if you’ve been trying to conceive for a long time. I think your partner is obviously very aware that in order to conceive he needs to ‘perform’ and maybe he feels this is the only reason you guys are having intercourse now instead of for actual pleasure, so it can be off putting. Try something new to spice things up or just don’t mention trying to conceive at all, see if that eases up the pressure x

[PenguinBlue]

Hi, if you’ve been trying naturally for a while now, then it makes sense that he is feeling the pressure to perform. Not sure if you only have sex during your fertile window etc which may exacerbate how he feels without saying anything. Have you spoken to him to understand what’s causing the pressure / stress? Work etc?

I’d advise a few date nights to just reconnect properly if you haven’t done anything like that in a while. Also, not sure if you’re just waiting to have sex during your fertile window - we were always advised to try every 2-3 days throughout the month (tiring!) so that even if your ovulation day moves slightly, you’re likely to be covered.

[BECIO]

Heyy yes I’ve been in this situation a number of times it’s hard we’ve been TTC for 4 years with two failed rounds. It’s hard as he does feel under pressure and we’ve spoken a lot about it and I feel I’ve been through so much with the IVF physically he just needs to do this. But I know he’s trying this best and the pressure gets go him and effects his ability to even have sex. I’ve tried not mentioning if im Ovulating but then thought if he struggles to best to focus on then. It all feels a complete mess sometimes and there are good days and bad days. We try and do nice things and have date nights and reassure him but inside in do find it devastating like we are missing chances. No real advice but you aren’t alone! Xx

[Asha82]

Hi! I think I understand how your husband feels because my fiancee is the same when he is under pressure and to be honest I don't get the interest either when it's planned, it has to happen naturally but don't get me wrong I completely understand how you feel because it is frustrating

[Azzurra79]

I feel that any hint of an expectation puts him off, and so I never mention anything, just try to monitor my ovulation very carefully and get at least 1-2 times during the fertile window. I rely on the fact that I feel quite sexual during the fertile window and that makes it easier for us. In my case he quite reliably gets aroused when I am in bed with him and we haven't had sex in a few days, unless he is tired or unwell. But it is still hard. At difficult times I have also thought that it might be simpler for him to masturbate and then pass me his sperm afterwards. I have never done this though. But if it takes the pressure off why not.

It is important that sex remains at least a bit about pleasure and connection

Seeing a counselor might also help to address any aspect of the relationship and the sexual connection that can improve

Wishing you good luck.

[TTC0011]

Hey there, you said any thoughts and mines probably sounds a bit controversial or not that great but I say it with the best intentions. I read this as you just sound angry towards your husband and maybe he senses that. ‘How hard can it be’ doesn’t sounds understanding or compassionate to how he is feeling or the fact he feels under pressure - although I get you’re just venting here, but maybe subconsciously you are giving off a vibe to him that you’re not happy and he avoids it.

As someone who has been through 8 cycles lf IVF and 6 years of infertility, it’s honestly the hardest thing we’ve ever been through and open communication is key so I’d talk to him (if he’s open to that) and tell him how you’re feeling. Trying to conceive can make you feel like you’re a performance act having to turn up for your show, and it can become very clinical and unromantic - so it can take work to keep it feeling intimate.

Your husbands feeling are valid and if he doesn’t want to have sex, you’d need to respect that (as upsetting as that is) but it sounds like by telling you he is feeling under pressure then it’s a good start to some open communication.

[Brightflowers in reply to TTC0011]

Thanks, yeah that is helpful.

I was feeling annoyed with him, like ‘he had the easy bit’.

He did want to, but felt that he couldn’t.

I think we had a rough couple of days, but things have improved,

Appreciate your repsonse!

[Smudgepinks]

Hey Brightflowers, I just wanted to reply to let you know you are not on your own, my husband and I have been in your situation so many times. The pressure has just got too much for him as he knows how important it is for both of us. I have always been understanding to him but inside feel the disappointment as its almost a missed opportunity. I find it's worse when there are additional outside stresses like if he is stressed at work. So maybe a date night or doing something together that may then lead to a more relaxing and romantic experience sometimes works for us! x

[Sunshine809]

Thanks for your post Brightflowers and for all the responses because it's been really nice to know that I'm not alone in this! Plus it's great to be able to talk about it in a safe and confidential space.

I know exactly how you feel. It's incredibly frustrating to miss our window of opportunity to try naturally when he can't perform, but I feel like I can't say anything because it would just add more pressure. I'm then getting wound up about the fact that I've been putting my body through so much in our ivf cycles and he's got 'one job', which I know is unfair because he's been on the emotional journey with me and feels just as sad and disappointed as me.

And trying lots during the month/fertile period is frankly exhausting as it is, let alone when it feels like it was a waste of time because there was no happy ending!! It's very annoying.

I think as others have said, the key is to not see it as a 'waste of time' if my husband doesn't finish and to try to enjoy it as a way of reconnecting, whatever the outcome. In the end we found quality not quantity helped too. Otherwise it was just too tiring which made it even worse for him and it became a chore for both of us.

Going on holiday always helps us - being somewhere new, a few drinks, not feeling tired from work...! We have found a few times that this has reset our relationship and reminded us of what's important and we've had a fab time which has then continued once we came home 😊

He has been much better the last couple of years with only the odd occasion when the pressure gets too much, but I think we talk about ttc a lot less because we're both exhausted by the journey now (6 years and counting!), plus I've got better at not making him feel like we're just having sex because it's the right time, and actually we're doing it because I'm in the mood and we both want to.

Wishing you all the best in your ttc journey xx

[Brightflowers in reply to Sunshine809]

Awh thanks for your reply.

Yes it really helps to know that we’re not alone!

I’m over 40, I haven’t been trying long but feel like time is running out and we can’t ‘waste’ a month