How to deal with friends' pregnancy announcement

[Archaeologist27]

Hi all,

As you may be aware my wife and I have been trying for over 2 years now with no success. Having been rejected from IVF treatment we decided to focus on getting healthier, losing weight etc with some success but still no positive ovulation.

In the last two weeks two of my close friends have announced their pregnancy and while I am absolutely overjoyed for them another part of me is devastated as its yet another reminder that we haven't got there yet.

I'm trying to remain positive especially for my wife buts it's so hard when often in these conservations I feel as if many people don't consider what the impact on me might be.

If my tests had come back negative or there was something wrong that I could fix I'd feel more in control but as my results came back in the normal range I feel helpless and out of control with the situation.

This isn't much of a question, more of a way to rant my feelings. I don't want to alienate my friends by not being happy for them

[Boo718]

I completely understand how you are feeling. We were ttc for 11 years and doing ivf for 5 years in that time sooo many friends and family fell pregnant and I’d cry at everyone. I was soo happy for them but devastated for us. I wish I could say it got easier but I just had to find ways to deal with it. I spoke to family and friends and told them how I felt and that I was so happy for them but that it was hard for us. I didn’t go to baby showers or anything like that and I took my time visiting when the baby was born. It’s sooo hard but talk to each other. You will get through this xxx

[Adalovelace23]

Some private clinics have wider BMI ranges if that’s an option for accelerating the process whilst getting healthier. Though the one I know was 32 max so I appreciate it’s not a lot of wiggle room. I got down to 30 by transfer and then stopped dieting but it’s all about relative risk. Age for me was increasing and waiting to be thinner is still waiting.

On the question asked, I asked people to let me know by text /WhatsApp first as in person is hard! I also told everyone about IVF so most were cognisant. Post covid, I also hung around with my male friend side of the pairing at their pub nights and things as there was way less baby talk (a cliche I was slightly horrified to learn to be true). (I was often friends with the man first anyway as I did a uni course that was 80% men.) and I let myself be sad. My peak of transitioning from “it’ll happen” to “oh no” happened during the pandemic so I didn’t have to see or talk to anyone’s babies for 2 years really.

Found it very hard to support a friend with PND though. That was too much. Had to step back even though I would normally take that role.

[Emilye92x]

Please don't feel bad for feeling these feelings!!We tried for 6 years and 90% of my friendship group had babies during that time - I found it easy to be happy for them face to face (thankfully) but behind closed doors was a different matter, especially as time went on.

In my mind I was happy for them but sad for me, and thinking of it that way made it a little easier to stop the jealousy but it definitely eeked in at times.

Don't feel as though you have to 'fake it till you make it' its good to process your emotions, maybe talk to your partner about it as I'm sure she will be feeling very similarly. Have a good cry when you need to, remember it's normal to have down days on this journey, it would be weird if you didn't!! And remember it's okay to say no to things too. I've definitely turned down childrens birthday parties and baby showers in the past. It's important to put yourself first especially in the hard times. Be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty.

We thankfully now have our little one, and I have a very close friend sadly going through her fertility journey now. Its easier for me to sympathise as I've been there, but if you aren't already, it may be helpful to be open with your friends with what you've been going through. You may find that they're more sensitive to your situation without making you feel alienated in any way.

Best of luck on your journey and fingers crossed you'll get there soon 🤞 xxx

[Lucy014]

Hello!

I know how you feel. After trying for 5 years we’ve seen friends meet their partners, go on to get married and have babies and we’re still trying. And multiple couples who try for a baby way after we did and are now past celebrating 1st and 2nd birthdays.

I am always happy when I hear someone is having a baby. After knowing all I now do, each one is a blessing and they’re lucky it worked.

I have always known when friends are trying for babies or second babies, and they’re aware of my situation (going through IVF) so are sensitive when they tell me, although I find it sad that people feel nervous to tell me as they should be excited, but I do understand why.

For me, I just think I expect it from everyone now, it might sound silly but if I am waiting to be told they’re pregnant then it takes the shock factor away abit. It’s still tough but at least I just have to process the news rather than the shock of it too.

Good luck with your journey. It will happen for us ♥️ xx