Advice on dealing with friends pregnancy announcements

[Handsinthesoil]

We’ve been trying for a baby for 2 and 1/2 years and then our friends get pregnant straight away! Why does that always seem to be the case? Does anyone have any advice for dealing with the confusing emotions brought up from a friends pregnancy announcement? I’m feeling sad and confused and haven’t been able to reply to congratulate them… should I have to do that? I know I’ll be able to eventually, but they told us over text late and night and I’m going to need a little time to come to terms with them moving ahead of us! It’s all the worse because I feel guilty for not being able to write back…

[Wellington22]

This is such a familiar feeling and I completely empathise. It's not that you aren't happy for your friend or colleague or family member... but it does feel like someone kicking you when you are down.I can only speak from my own personal experience but I always make a point of congratulating friends etc with pregnancy announcements but then keeping a little bit of distance for a while to protect myself. Everybody deals with those feelings differently and it's really tough.

What I try to tell myself is that that's their story - and I'm so happy for all of the good things that happen for them - but my story is on a completely different timeline and that's the story I need to focus on.

I doubt I've been helpful at all but we are all in that same boat and completely get how difficult it is xx

[Positive20 in reply to Wellington22]

I would second this….in my experience I always keep my distance but make sure I congratulate the person with the good news.

I’ve admittedly had some bad lows with multiple pregnancy announcements that have all been in the same week, however I tell myself over and over again that you would never wish fertility problems on anyone and thank goodness they are so lucky not to have had them. I always think that this is my own journey and it’s just not meant to happen yet xx

[CJohns]

We also experienced this a few times, and friends knew of our ‘trying’ and fertility battles.

I would simply give a ‘congratulations’, and explain to another friend in that friendship circle (if this friend is part of one), that you’re happy, but that it’s a struggle and you’ll need to keep your distance from the baby/pregnancy talk. If your pregnant friend then mentions your distance to this friend, then they can mention on your behalf and hopefully give you any space that you need.

It’s bleddy hard, and there’s no easy answer for dealing with it. I certainly found the pregnancy stages with friends worse than when the baby arrived, simply because it was more like an envy of not being able to get pregnant.

I hope you figure out the best way for you to move forward with it ❤️

[Elsidee11 in reply to CJohns]

This is exactly how I feel ! I cannot bring myself to see my pregnant friend or talk about her pregnancy - but babies I don’t find difficult 🫠 it’s so tough isn’t it. Xx

[CJohns in reply to Elsidee11]

So tough. If they don’t understand now, then they certainly will afterwards (once you’ve been able to explain to them when baby is here). My opinion is if they don’t understand or don’t want to try to understand, then are they really having in your life🙂?

Fertility issues have definitely thinned my friends out, but I’m happy with it, and it’s better to deal with less social pressures x

[WillowPark]

Hi Handsinthesoil, it is so difficult. I personally do the minimum "congratulations!" and then try to make excuses to keep space - work becomes very busy and I honestly sometimes just lie about having plans with others just to get out of things I'm not emotionally ready for. Most of our friends don't know about our struggles. (They might be guessing, but we have never confirmed.) And I am happy to keep it that way for now so that means I have to find a way to get through announcements without falling out or causing ill feeling by ignoring someone's massive news.

In terms of how to deal with it internally, I remind myself that I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on anyone, and also that there aren't a finite amount of babies being handed out. Just because someone else got theirs quicker, doesn't make it any less likely I'll get mine. 🥰 I find that logic helps me.

[neonpg in reply to WillowPark]

"I remind myself that I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on anyone, and also that there aren't a finite amount of babies being handed out."

Wow, somehow this clicked something in me. Thank you for sharing, it's so helpful!

[MyeggsRfab]

Hi lovely this is an ongoing issue I've had for years, i congratulate and say this is fantastic news and wish them well, keep my distance, I have learnt to keep my troubles to myself and carry on with my journey and not to take it personally....as when family and friends know of ur situation I find it more difficult. friends and family, work colleagues have no clue or understanding of ur difficultly. Some people have thee most silly of insensitive comments to say about fertility. I have said to folk that we've stopped and that it's not for us, but carry on trying in private... I have had to because of harsh silly comments hope this helps 💗💗💗

[Doodlebug23]

Your feelings are totally valid. I’ve been there. I think that your friend has done it the best way as it gives you time to process it in private. She’s probably been agonising of the best and most sensitive way too. I’ve really struggled with this situation several times, and my advice would be to just reply and say that’s lovely news. Hopefully she will understand and give you some space before you have to really face it head on. If she doesn’t I would say you may have to explain, although I would just not reply - and I’m not advocating that 🙈

[Glaedy]

It is so hard, we are in our trying phase now for over 10 years ( we had our IVF miracle baby after 7 years). First few years were hard when we were in this situations but luckily for me my husband was on duty of congratulations so I wouldn't have to. Or when I had to congratulate I just wished them the best and then cried after I got home 🙈Now after so many years I desensitised myself and it doesn't hurt etc except of few people of course. Like just 3 days before our last FET my sister messaged that she is pregnant AGAIN, and it really really stressed me out. Our transfer with perfect 5Aa embryo failed, I don't know now if it was embryo fault, or maybe this stress, or just bad luck. These situations does feel so unfair, while we are doing everything what we can and sometimes not getting anything in return others just sneeze and are pregnant. I will keep my fingers crossed for your hopefully short journey to your miracle baby 🤞

[Christianbaby]

Hey there, I just want you to know that what you're feeling is completely normal and valid. It's tough when you've been trying for a baby for so long and then friends seem to get pregnant effortlessly. It's okay to feel sad and confused, and it's totally understandable that you need some time to process your emotions before congratulating your friends. They might have shared the news late at night over text, but that doesn't mean you have to reply right away. Take your time. Your friends should understand that you need space to come to terms with their news. It's okay to take care of yourself first. xx

[CarlottaD27]

Hello, I know this difficult feeling all too well! I found it so reassuring to come on this network and realise that others went through that same sinking feeling / angry / it's so unfair / guilt for not being happy for friend downwards spiral. You're not alone. Definitely take the time you need and keep a distance from in-person events, as these can be even more triggering, you have to protect yourself x

[Endo_wishing]

Hi Handsinthesoil

I completely empathise with how you feel, it’s so hard. Over the years that I was trying to conceive it felt like everybody I knew was getting pregnant and it was awful. Some people were very inconsiderate, my sister in law, knowing that I had recently lost my second and last embryo after ivf, while I was still off sick from work with stress from it, decided to come round my house with all the family there on Mother’s Day and announce it. Everybody was looking at me as they all knew, I just wanted to run to my room and cry but I put on a show some how that I was happy for them. Another sister in law announced her pregnancy and all I could say was “what about my hen party?!” 🫣😆

It doesn’t get easier I’m afraid, it the fact she messaged you about it means at least she is being sensitive about it. If you’ve left it a few days I would maybe apologise for the delay and just explain that you found it difficult to hear but are happy for them?

Sending you lots of love and I hope it happens for you ❤️ xxxxx

[Endofitall]

Lots of great advice here and completely valid how you’re feeling.

I think one major thing is that until you message back it’s going to hang over you as this horrible guilt laden thing. You don’t need to do any big effusive message. Maybe just a simple congrats and thank you for messaging you.

It is really good she’s done it over message. I still can’t believe how many will break news face to face insensitively when they know what you’re going through. Also good it was (I assume) sent outside work hours.

Sending love and strength, we all feel this way and you’re not alone.

[Handsinthesoil in reply to Endofitall]

I replied today with a simple message and it did feel better not to have it hanging over me like you say, as a to do and now it’s done I can move forward… it was out of work hours, just unfortunately as we were going to bed so didn’t get a good nights sleep! Thanks for you message 🥰

[Newcastle12]

I really struggle at the moment. To the point I haven’t seen friends with babies in over a year. I stop seeing people when they become pregnant.

We have been very open and honest hoping people would be more sensitive but some aren’t. I’ve had to watch a pregnant friend have a small glass of wine- she was having her second in the space we hadn’t even made it to start IVF. I’ve bumped into my sister-law at my place of work during her induction moaning about it all ( doesnt officially know but I’m sure she’s not stupid). I’m not the best person to advise as I haven’t coped well at all. We are now the only friends without children. But those who have been through it have told me to do what you need to to get through and friends will be there at the end if they are your friends. We have lost a lot of friends- but now I know who when I’m ready I should invest my time in.

The only advise I can give is that I actually have a congratulations template in my notes that when I get the dreaded message I just copy and paste into the message and then delete so the messages don’t come up every time I open my phone:

this is mine:

Congratulations ❤️ you are so lucky enjoy every minute xx

If they are very good friends I just explain that I need time away to protect myself and get through- some understand some don’t but you’ll know who really care!

Hope this is helpful- keep going

[Handsinthesoil in reply to Newcastle12]

Hi, sorry to hear that you’ve become so isolated from your friends… I hope you have a good support network outside of this old friendship circle? And sorry also that you have experienced a lot of insensitive comments and actions… I think unless someone has been through infertility or is it least incredibly compassionate and sensitive, then they just won’t get what we’re going through and tend to say upsetting things! A great idea to have a saved message you don’t have to think about… I’ll probably use that one myself thank you Xxxxxxxxx

[Newcastle12 in reply to Handsinthesoil]

I have a few who have finished their families so I can just about see them. Others I don’t see as I worry that they’ll just announce to my face as that’s happened before and equally some are just so excited and want to chat about it and I just can’t be that friend! Just need to do what you need to do- glad I can help in some way x