Hi, I haven't posted for a while. I've been in such a funny place--we had a failed fresh transfer in November, hobbled through to Christmas feeling so down about it all. January was still hard but work helped me stay busy. I went to a very dear friend's wedding where I had to be brave as it meant spending the weekend with 2 close friends who are both pregnant and a third who had not long had her second baby. I got through it, but boy was it tough! As February came, I started coming through the other side, preparing to have an FET, signing the consent forms and getting ready. Waiting for my period to start in March and then boom, Corona Virus landed. And everything cancelled. Life is all so uncertain right now. I brushed the Fertility stuff to the side as I was overwhelmed with Corona Virus updates. Then, yesterday I had one of those moments whilst decorating one of our bedrooms (the one that would be for a baby if we ever have one). Will it happen to me? Who knows.... Then today, my oldest friend ever messages me. She got married on December 29th. And what do I see? A scan picture. I closed the message instantly. I know what this means. I should be used to it by now. How do I deal with it? I find this so hard, the conflict of wanting to be so happy for her and at the same time wanting to sob my heart out and scream and shout 'why can't it be me?'.
What do you guys do when you have these announcements? Xx
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Ahh I’m so sorry to hear you’re having such a shit time.
I don’t have any answers i’m afraid. I don’t think I take pregnancy announcements particularly well myself. The last time it happened my sister had just died and three (!) friends made announcements. One such friend (didn’t know our struggles) thought sending me a scan pic would be something to help ‘brighten my mood’...little did she know. I screamed (literally screamed my head off in the car! 🙈) swore, cried, told ‘god’ to F Off, lol. I lost my shit. But then, as we do so often on this journey, we pick ourselves up, send well wishes, attend the baby showers and then listen to all the moaning about sleepless nights and other annoyances that literally we can not comprehend when we all try so hard for that privilege of becoming a parent 🤯
I don’t think there’s any right ways of managing it, just your way. Do what you need to do, let that shit out, wallow for a bit, drink the wine/coffee, eat the cake and then crack on again on the journey, what ever that may look like.
If there’s anything I’ve learnt along the way, it’s that it’s okay to feel crappy, jealous, anxious, depressed. You just gotta do what you gotta do to survive those feelings.
Thank you. I know you are right. It just never gets easier to deal with. That time will come where I pick myself back up and carry on again though. Hope you are ok with everything going on xx
It’s so hard. My tactic is to do both. Scream and cry and allow yourself to feel the pain, then be happy for them too. It is unfair, horribly unfair and it’s so hard to be happy for people who seemingly get pregnant instantly. But try to remember that they may have other struggles in their lives (maybe not now but maybe in the future) none of us know what is in store. So be the best person you can be and be proud of that xxx
Thank you, you are right. Need to feel both, I just wish I didn't have to feel the sadness. When friends tell me they are pregnant, I want to naturally jump for joy, as I would have before I started this journey. That joy for me is always tinged with my own feelings and I feel so guilty for that 😔 It's just something we have to deal with though, isn't it. Thank you for your reply. I hope you are ok xxx
It really is hard, I do what you do. Close it down. Go have a cry/scream/rant what ever you need to do, but then when you can brave it, be there for her and try be happy for her because when your time comes you will need her there and you will want her there to be as happy as you are about your news.
Sounds horrible but I get excited for my friends first baby then when the 2nd arrives I get really low - I just want one! But we all struggle with announcement it’s a side effect of this xxx
Sounds like you have had a really rough time so sorry to read all about it.
I don’t think there is a ‘right’ way. I am sort of split personality when it comes to announcements and babies - the people around me would think I am the happiest person in the world and yet inside I am crying and so so sorry for myself! It’s quite normal though, a mixture of jealousy and grief for what might have been. I have gradually just shut my emotions down.. the closer I get to forever being childless the more I realise I need to protect myself and for me that’s about not even letting things register. It will always be hard and I find it gets even weirder when they have their babies so for example I love my nephew more than anything and want to spend time with him as much as possible (miss him with lockdown) and yet the daily photos and updates about him kick me in the stomach some days. Try just to deal with it day by day
I remember every time someone made an announcement, I was in such a bad mood for days. What really helped me was to get involved with them in discussions about the baby and to take part in their preparations.
It’s difficult and only someone who has been through this can fully understand. Sending lots of love and I wish you to be happy in your life. Because at the end of the day, this is our life and we have to live it to the fullest we can and try to be very happy, first of all for ourselves and our own sanity😘❤️.
Ah I’m so so sorry , it’s just so bloody tough 😔 it’s hard enough dealing with IVF as it is but now with the uncertainty of when we can ever try again and then when you hear those announcements 😔 of course you are pleased for them but then it’s like a punch in the stomach at the same time. I wish I could tell you how to deal with it, I wish we didn’t have to think why not me - and totally feel you over the room , we moved last year and I purposely left the small room until last, then painted it beau teal but it got left empty but now we are both working from home my other half has made it his office - I walked passed today and just thought will it ever be anything else now 😔 but there is this corona virus is our now but it’s not forever - one day we will be able to go ahead again and that’s what we have to focus on for now , don’t be hard on yourself be kind to yourself , shout, scream, drink wine if you feel like it and in a few weeks we can start to get our minds and bodies ready again , sending you much love xx
I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. I also have lots of pregnant friends around at the moment and it’s very hard. I barely speak to them. Usually when I find out of a new pregnancy, I suffer for a few days. After my loss 6 months ago I used to think about it for days. Now they can upset me for s moment snd then I say, it’s not my life and my journey. It’s normal to be upset, especially when they are close friends and you want to show you are happy for them. Hopefully they will understand. I wish you all success when this Coronavirus thing is over. I’m also feeling I want a break now. I want my husband to be present at each scan, I couldn’t go on my own and experience it by myself! Maybe it’s better to wait x
Hi 👋, what a terrible time for you. If i’m honest I learnt several things whist TTC and started to put them into practice everytime the inevitable pregnancy announcements came.
1) Shut down social media accounts. Mainly this was so I didn’t see the scan pics and all the congratulations messages in mu news feed.
2) Distance yourself from those making the announcements if you can. I actually went out of my way to avoid talking to/meeting friends that were pregnant and used whatever excuse was most plausible if they wanted to meet/talk to me. I also used to ignore texts and phone calls as much as possible using the ‘sorry work is really busy’ or ‘parents have been ill’ type excuses. (I even used this for my best mate when she told me she was pregnant). I managed to avoid the baby shower using one of these excuses and after she had the baby she was so wrapped up with her NCT pals that she forgot I existed! So maybe not my best mate after all 🤔
3) Learn to visualise- this is going to sound really odd but this one worked the best for me.....One of my friends came over for a chat, then announced she was pregnant by a chap she had been seeing for 3 months. Yup, 3 months! And it was ‘a bit of a surprise as we weren’t really trying’ I really wished I could punch her in the face, there and then. Instead I smiled at her and congratulated her then turned around to put the kettle on and visualised actually punching her in the face. It really helped!
4) If the person making the announcement knows what you are going through be honest with them. Message them and congratulate but say that for obvious reasons you will be distancing yourself from them for a while/forever!
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