How do you deal with the pressure

I've been struggling a bit lately as it's my fault that me and my OH can't have children, he wants children so much and I feel like I am letting him down. He tells me all the time that he loves me and what will be will be. I put so much pressure on my self and want so badly to have a baby with him but the pressure is just too much to handle sometimes. I don't want him to miss out on the family he's always wanted and it will be my fault. How do you ladies cope with this feeling? Are your OHs supportive to you?

15 Replies

  • My OH totally views it as 'our' problem. He is quite insistent about it, though the signs are that it's probably due to my age. He is so insistent that I've kind of accepted that it's easier to believe that too. There's no guarantee that he would be able to have children with someone else, and there are many ways to have a family with the person you love. I think it's important to talk about which of the many ways you would each be ok with (e.g. We would probably be ok with adoption or surrogacy but don't want to use donor eggs or sperm). A conversation like this helps you to remember it's about growing the family which is currently the two of you. It's not just about passing on your genes!

    Big love. This is all so hard, but you are not alone. Lots of us on here are wrestling with similar feelings xxx

  • Thank you Lizzie, you're absolutely right and my OH is telling me everyday that he loves me and he's so supportive. I need to stop putting it all on myself and deal with it together. Thank you for you kind words x

  • When we first started IVF my husband was diagnosed with having a low sperm count, he was devastated and I had to reassure him that it was ok and I wouldnt leave him for someone else. Now that we've started ICSI treatment it turns out that due to my age that my eggs probably arent great quality so the tables have turned a bit and I started to worry and feel guilty and that he may want to try with someone else. However he assures me that he doesnt and I guess I have to think back to when I had to say all this to him, its nobodys fault!! I think so long as you talk together lots, we're even talked about where we go from here if our next cycle doesnt work.....donor egg/adoption etc. We just want to be a family and determined to get there together!xx

  • It's in forums like these you realise that you're not alone, there's so many people going through the same thing. Thank you your reply, I'm sorry you're both going through this as well, it's such a hard thing to go through but with the support of each other it'll make the journey easier. I wish you all the luck x

  • This place has been great & I pass lots on to my hubby too! It does help to know that we're not alone! We are all rooting for each other!! Wishing you lots of luck too & a big cuddle!xx

  • Hi beauty I can totally relate to how you feel because I am the cause of our infertility and it is very hard sometimes to accept this. we have some hope that it may work with ivf and it is a long shot but we are going through with ivf and I've told myself for now to just take one step at a time we don't know what position we will be in next year or the year after but this is ture in life in general we don't know what's round the corner for any of us. Since all this has happened I appreciate my bf so much more we don't bicker over still stuff like we might have done in the past and I think we are much kinder to each other ill go out of my way to do nice things for him like stock the fridge if I'm away and I don't stress over trivial stuff like I would have done in the past. For now we know that we love each other and neither of us wants to end our relationship because things are never that simple in real life. I often feel very insecure in myself about all of this but life will throw a curve ball at us all at some point in life and for now this is our curve ball that we have to try and negative our way through some how. I'm here if you ever want to chat xxx

  • Hi nmill thank you for your reply, it's really helpful to know there's others out there with similar feelings. I believe that this has brought me and OH closer and we hardly ever argue, we cherish every moment and make lovely memories. Hopefully they will include a lil bundle sometime soon. Good luck to the both of you too x

  • And the same to you we will get through this and we will come out the other side. I think it's says a lot about a relationship if you can get through all of this and it makes you appreciate what you do have. Wishing you all the best xxx

  • My OH is soooo supportive. We don't know for sure who the problem lies with that we can't conceive naturally because although I have pcos and he has a spinal cord injury we were told, after tests, that we should still be able to conceive without ivf. Fast forward two years and we were doing ivf. Either way I blame myself. When I got a bfn I blamed my body. When we lost our baby I blamed my body. I still do. But I also know this; even if it is my body's fault it isn't MY fault. Does this make sense to you? We are doing everything we can to have a baby. No one could ask for more of us. So how can it be anyone's fault? xx

  • Tugsgirl this makes so much sense, sometimes you just need to be reminded. We can't control what our bodies do we can only try our hardest. Thank you for your kind words x

  • Sorry u are feeling like this. This is a common issue and I think most women find like u have that their OH is supportive and has that what will be will be attitude towards the situation.i think men's emotions in these scenarios are different to ours regardless of how much they want children.its very easy for us to blame ourselves but it's nothing we have done wrong-we've just been dealt a shit OH to says we will have a happy life whichever way it goes.i struggle to recognise that but I'm grateful for his words xxx

  • My OH is the same he says he's happy to have a family of 2, he hated to see me go through ivf with having the injections etc as he doesn't want me to be hurt and putting all that pressure on myself but I don't think I could stop without trying all I can. Thank you for your kind words and I hope you get your happy ending too x

  • I get you gurl. Agree with Tugs and 72cloud. In my case I'm d one with endo but however We were told at 32 ivf is d way to go. But in this past 5 years I've always blamed me and my filthy luck for every failure. When I read stories of people getting there after so many hardships , it gives me a ray of hope . My Dh is very supportive too. As per him we have now got into this and no matter which way it goes we will complete our family. I guess as woman our anatomy is such thT even if we know that certain things r beyond our control but even then too we worry. I know worrying doesn't help, but even then I worry. So basically it's basically bcum part of my personality. It's hard but not impossible is what I say to myself. I fight myself everyday to explain . And d pic of a complete family In my heart keeps me going.


    Love to all d lovely ladies

  • Thank you tiger, it is worrying isn't it :( but it's something we have to go through to get our family. I will keep going for as long as I can and I hope you get your family too. X

  • It's indeed my dear . I hope d same for u xx

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